I am SOOOO pissed right now, it's gonna be hard to keep my mouth shut!
Or perhaps I just will say to him whats on my mind....
(I know, I'm REALLY new here, and you all don't know much about me or my life yet... but I just HAD to vent somewhere!)
It's about my ex-husband.
Awhile back my step-daughter got hurt pretty bad while with some friends. She's pretty much ok, but now has really bad vision from the fall she took. She's 17, will turn 18 in less than a month.
OK - the point I'm annoyed about....
Her father (my ex) had hired a lawyer to go after the kids insurance company that was messing around and caused her to fall off his car - thus damaging her eyesight & causing her to miss a good quantity of school this past year. Well - the settlement is coming through just now. She'll get the money when she turns 18 (as stated above, thats less than a month away)
I've already mentioned to my ex once or twice that I thought perhaps he ought to have her put it in a joint signature account to make sure she doesn't blow it ALL on crap or her friends. To be sure her decisions are good, as IMO it should be used for college, her future - as well as maybe an inexpensive car (she doesn't have one at all right now) and of course - she should be allowed to blow some of it on crap & clothes & stuff! (It's gonna be somewhere between 10-15 grand after the lawyer takes his share) It's not THAT much money in real life - but for a kid her age it's HUGE!
Apparently, he's planning on letting her get a car... he's gonna let her use maybe 1500 for that, and if she can get a loan she'll have to make payments (OK?)
He's planning on buying himself a television for his bedroom (????)
and he's planning on taking her & my youngest daughter (her sister) on a vacation to Michigan in September!!! (even more ?????)
WHY THE **** SHOULD SHE PAY FOR HIS TV OR A VACATION FOR HIM & HER SISTER???
Basically he's gonna keep the money, and give her a little... and he's making her think thats the way it's supposed to be! He's telling her that because he was stressed about her getting hurt, and had to miss work taking her to Dr. appts and stuff that the money is his too!
I cannot believe he is taking advantage of her this way... basically stealing her settlement! Obviously, the money is HERS - thats why it's being held until her 18th birthday! If she was younger she'd be waiting years... I don't think she understands that because she trusts him- and probably also doesn't want to make waves as she still lives at home with him.
He even mentioned to the youngest one that he may use part of that cash for a down payment on a house!
Lordy Lordy Lordy....
Should I just stay out of this??? Or should I talk to him (which'll be like talking to a wall) Or should I talk to HER and explain that the money is HERS... not his!
OK - so, he's pretty broke (which is his own fault) but using her to get this money is just pathetic. He just moved down further on the rungs of humanity ladder in my book... bigtime!
I really don't know what, if anything - I should do/say.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....
(and on the diet side of things... it's HIS FAULT I had to eat that leftover slice of pizza when I got home and ruin my diet for the day)
Do you really think it will make any difference if you say anything to him? It would be great if you could change his mind....but I don't think it will get you anywhere.
Well, I completely understand your aggrevation...BUT, he's your EX and therefore, she's your EX step daughter and, basically, at the end of the day, not your business, I'm sorry to say. If she were your own daughter, absolutely. But she's not, so don't get involved...in my opinion.
Of course, I can top this...I have a friend I used to work with that her EX was a year or two behind in his child support to the tune of about $3,000. Well, my friend (mostly an acquaintance because I'd never be close friends with someone of this type of moral standard) let her boyfriend borrow it so he could so 'something' with it. Well, come to find out, the boyfriend was married and used the money to take his wife and daughter on a cruise!! I wasn't sure who to be more appauled at...her taking money that was supposed to be used for the benefit of her sons, or him taking it for his family. She actually ended up on Judge Mathis over and won the money back...but man, some people have no tact.
I would talk to both of them...especially the DD. She needs to know that that is HER money and not his and he can't do what he wants with it. I agree that it should be put away for college or her future but with her turning 18 I don't think anyone really would have much say in it. But for the ex to take her money is so very wrong. You said he won't listen but I would talk with him anyway. That is just so very wrong. Why in the world would he think he is entitled to her money. Is there anyway to talk with the lawyer to maybe see if it could be put into a trust for DD till she's 21???? Tell the lawyer what is up??? I think you have every right to look out for her and what is right for her...and talking to them is well within your right.
I too think you should maybe have a talk with the step daughter, in a nice, rational manner. Just reason with her on why the money should be put away for her and used for her future. If she chooses not to listen, that's her choice. If she listens, and makes the money unavailable to her dad, she will be forever grateful that an adult looked out for her. Once you speak to her though, it's out of your hands. I do agree w/ you though, that this dad is pretty low life! As far as speaking to a lawyer about a trust fund, I don't know if you have any legal rights to do that, but you can certainly encourage the stepdaughter to speak to him. It may be really helpful to her.
I don't even know who their lawyer is.... & I'd feel REALLY odd going THAT far!
& Yes, she is my EX step-daughter, but she was MINE (no natural mother around) from the time she was almost 4 until she was almost 14. Her father & I do have a daughter together so she's still family to me, and my daughters blood-sister. I see her a few times a week still do things for her on an as needed basis, still have her over my house on occasion to visit, etc.
She lives with him, yes - she is his biological child & not mine - yes.... but I still think of her as one of my own (even though she's not) It's hard to just let go when you've got that mother/daughter bond, ya know?
IMO I've done a pretty good job of staying out of a LOT of things that go on over there regarding her.... because it wasn't my place (discipline, school, friend situations, his moving a complete stranger/woman he only knew from the internet into his house without even telling her, etc) Most of the time I keep my mouth shut. I just really feel like he's screwing her over and she doesn't even know!! If she wants him to have some of the cash because he's gone through all this with her, that'd be fine.... I just think she ought to be aware it's a choice. It's HER money & not his!
I'm thinking I'll talk to him first... I know he's gonna be all defensive and get mad at me for even mentioning anything. I think I'll mention to him that perhaps the lawyer should have a talk with her to explain her options.... (hoping the lawyer will make things clear)
UGH - I'll feel guilty if I say nothing... I hate this!
I really don't know if it'll make a difference or not.
Yes, do say something. My dad always does this to us (his kids). Every year he collects our Christmas money that my grandma gives us, among other things. All it does is makes us feel used, and that we owe it to him for some reason.
Yes, do say something. My dad always does this to us (his kids). Every year he collects our Christmas money that my grandma gives us, among other things. All it does is makes us feel used, and that we owe it to him for some reason.
See... I just DON'T get that!
There's been times in my life when I was so broke I only had 15$ for 2 weeks of groceries for myself & 2 children... there is NO WAY I'd EVER take their birthday or Christmas money!!
Anyway.... Thanks everyone for such quick replies!
I think she needs to be protected. It doesn't sound like it'll do any good to talk to either him or her, since she doesn't have the authority. I'd try to get in touch with the insurance company so that the documents can be worded in a way that will protect her interests. Or, I would call legal aid or do a free consultation on the phone with a lawyer about protecting her rights.
If you are close to your ex-step daughter, I would talk to her and make sure she knows that the money is hers and hers alone - to do with what she pleases.
However in response to your idea with what should be done with the money:
Quote:
I've already mentioned to my ex once or twice that I thought perhaps he ought to have her put it in a joint signature account to make sure she doesn't blow it ALL on crap or her friends. To be sure her decisions are good, as IMO it should be used for college, her future - as well as maybe an inexpensive car (she doesn't have one at all right now) and of course - she should be allowed to blow some of it on crap & clothes & stuff! (It's gonna be somewhere between 10-15 grand after the lawyer takes his share) It's not THAT much money in real life - but for a kid her age it's HUGE!
She will be 18 when she gets it... it is her own responsibility to manage the money herself. If she blows it, she blows it. No one has any right to take the money away from her and save it or to tell her how to spend it - neither you or her father.
Parents really don't seem to get it that they cannot control an adult child... An issue similar to this was on a Dr. Phil episode were a woman's ex-husband died and their only son was the sole beneficiary to his life insurance. She thought it was owed to her too to spend on things like a nicer house etc. Well, the son was 18 or just over and wanted to blow it... that's his right. Just as it is your ex-step daughter's right.
You can attempt to guide all you want, but the harder you push the more likely they are to feel: untrustworthy, the need to sneak around, the need to lie, and the need to rebel.
If she is a good kid and has specific goals for the future, she will save a portion of this money without others pushing her into it.
If she decides to blow it, then she will have learned a hard lesson... and it is her lesson to learn.
should be done with the money:
She will be 18 when she gets it... it is her own responsibility to manage the money herself. If she blows it, she blows it. No one has any right to take the money away from her and save it or to tell her how to spend it - neither you or her father.
Parents really don't seem to get it that they cannot control an adult child...
If she is a good kid and has specific goals for the future, she will save a portion of this money without others pushing her into it.
If she decides to blow it, then she will have learned a hard lesson... and it is her lesson to learn.
We don't have the right to control an adult child.... you are correct. But I don't feel an 18 yr old has the life experience to make certain decisions, which is why I have my other kids money set aside til later!
My other daughters (biological) have inheritance money that was left to them by their grandfather when he passed away. They don't get custody of that cash til they're 21 (slightly better IMO- right now they are 17 & 20) My husband, who was 20 when his father passed away had to wait til he was 25 to get his. It was in his will.... and the money my daughters have set aside was actually put into an account by their grandfathers wife/brother who were in charge of his estate (my second daughter wasn't even born when her grandfather passed away)
You know.... their father blew his cash (almost 60 grand) in one summer. The only money left from his fathers inheritance is the cash that was set aside for my daughters when their father & I divorced.
Anyway.... you are correct when you say it's a parents place to guide, and hope they child makes good decisions. I'm afraid thats not whats going to happen in her case (which is why I REALLY hope the lawyer gets through to her) She's a good girl with a good head (most times!) Just very very very young.
I also realize that this money is a pay-off for an injury & not an inheritance... different situation, although it woulda been nice if the lawyer kept the money til she was 21 instead of only 18. Nothing I can do about that though.
It just hurts me to know that HE is the one who's gonna blow it for her... she's not even going to have the short term joy of that!
I agree,it is hers to do with whatever.I would just make sure she knows that it is her money and hers alone.If she wants to keep it all for herself and share none then that is her right.Beyond that she is 18,time to make decisions for herself.Just hope that the years you had with her have a positive influence on what she decides.
It just hurts me to know that HE is the one who's gonna blow it for her... she's not even going to have the short term joy of that!
This is why you need to have a heart to heart talk with her.... Since, from the other posts, I assume you are her mom for all intents and purposes, you need to tell her that this money is for her and not for her father, that he has no legal right to the money. Explain to her that this is a settlement for HER injury and that her father didn't ever have a legal right to get compensated for missing work or stress. In the course of the conversation, ask her what kind of goals SHE has for the money. If she would like to save or invest, tell her that you are more than happy to help her get set up with this stuff (a money market account would be a good place to put some of the cash). Tell her that you trust her to make good decisions and that this can help out with her future. But also make sure she knows that you won't hate her or get downright critical or "I told you so" when/if she does just blow it.
I think it would be good for the two of you to sit down and write out her goals (if she has any) or to have her think about what goals she has; and then plan a timeline and how much money it would take for each. In this way you can guide her (and make sure she is doing "good") and she thinks it is all her idea.
I wouldn't talk to the father at all. Just let it come to a complete surprise when she doesn't hand him any money. She needs to be able to tell him no on her own. Certainly, learning to be assertive with parents (especially those trying to use you) is a healthy quality.
LEAVE IT BE ~ It is between her and her father. If you are close she may come to you for advice and then you can be free to give her some. It is her $$$ ~ if the sob takes it and messes with it, then her relationship with him will only become worse ~ she may come to you then ~ be there for her. Who knows, maybe they will have a nice fun trip ~ but that amount of $$$ will go quick! If she is going to college she just may be sharp enough to figure this all out on her own. Good luck in pickin' up the pieces.
Of course, I can top this...I have a friend I used to work with that her EX was a year or two behind in his child support to the tune of about $3,000. Well, my friend (mostly an acquaintance because I'd never be close friends with someone of this type of moral standard) let her boyfriend borrow it so he could so 'something' with it. Well, come to find out, the boyfriend was married and used the money to take his wife and daughter on a cruise!! I wasn't sure who to be more appauled at...her taking money that was supposed to be used for the benefit of her sons, or him taking it for his family. She actually ended up on Judge Mathis over and won the money back...but man, some people have no tact.
TECHWIFE~ I can top this!
Years ago my now ex-wife and I went on a whale watching trip with our kids and a group of families from church. My ex invited a friend from work since her MARINE husband was away in the Gulf War. The gal brought a "friend" of the male species. Low and behold if she doesn't start this guy up on the boat. I was livid!! My kids, little at the time, knew that this was not her husband ~ and with our church no less. Several months later I find out that the guy was a BUDDY of the husband AND when he came home from the Gulf War she was going to divorce him. he comes home, forgives her and says that he understands ~ things happen ~ she still wants a divorce. The papers come to her home, she SIGNS and tells my wife that he didn't want to sign ~ that he will give her a week to think about it while he is out on exercises for the Marines ~ she is sooo pissed off ~ she wants this!....sadly, he is killed in a training accident. The little "sweetheart" tosses out the papers ~ tells his family that she was going to reconcile with him when he returned ~ collects the $$$$ from the MARINES and other insurance and moves back to her home state leaving the other sap in the dust!
I am SOOOO pissed right now, it's gonna be hard to keep my mouth shut!
of the husband AND when he came home from the Gulf War she was going to divorce him. he comes home, forgives her and says that he understands ~ things happen ~ she still wants a divorce. The papers come to her home, she SIGNS and tells my wife that he didn't want to sign ~ that he will give her a week to think about it while he is out on exercises for the Marines ~ she is sooo pissed off ~ she wants this!....sadly, he is killed in a training accident. The little "sweetheart" tosses out the papers ~ tells his family that she was going to reconcile with him when he returned ~ collects the $$$$ from the MARINES and other insurance and moves back to her home state leaving the other sap in the dust!