[WaterWater]

I have been doing pretty well on my program, but I am beginning to have fears of old habits coming back to haunt me.

This is hard for me to put into words - I hope that I can make some sense here.

As hard as it is for me to admit, I purged for a lot of years. I was never diagnosed and to my knowledge, no one but me ever knew. I have not done that for a very long time now, but the thoughts of doing that have crept back into my mind a bit these last few weeks. It is very scary to me that the thought that that may even be an option would enter my mind. I KNOW better and I have not acted upon those thoughts, but it is scary to have the thought at all.

I have obviously been obsessed with food for many years. I am now working on my food plan, reading so many inspiring stories about weight loss, actively working on recovery through OA, etc. - which is all a good thing - but at the same time, am I not still obsessed? It seems that food is all that I am thinking about still. Even though my thoughts have turned to healthier aspects of eating and trying to heal, I am STILL obsessing about food.

Over the years, I have tried everything under the sun - diets, starvation, purging, fasting... I feel that I am much healthier in my thinking now, but I still feel obsessed. Is this just the way it is? Will I HAVE to continue to be obsessed in order to find my natural weight and then maintain it?

I have not had a binge for 24 days now - which is a wonderful thing, but at the same time it scares me tremendously! I keep thinking "what is going to happen when I DO binge?" I am so afraid that if I do, that there will be no turning back.

Arrrgghhh! I guess I am feeling a bit weak this morning and just needing to vent a little. Sometimes it STILL feels like I am the only one in the world that has this weird obsession - and even though I probably should know better - it still feels like there is no way out.

[ellis]

Water, I'm just rushing out the door, and don't have time for much of an answer, but I just wanted to say... take comfort in the fact that you have been able to overcome those obstacles. You have it in you. That shows tremendous strength, and if you do it once, you can do it again. You have it in you.

[Kate109]

waterwater, donīt panic! Everything is alright...
I just can tell you my expiriences. When I give up something or make a lifestyle change (however you want to call that), it works wonderful in the first time. After a while, it seems as if these change had woken up ALL MY OLD demons. All these ugly things and thoughts, hidden in the left backside of my head...they come back very massive. When I donīt give in, itīs like a death- struggle for them....you understand....I am afraid it canīt really discribe it. But sometimes things get really worse before they really start being better. The closest hour of the night is the hour before the dawn....

I am binge- free for a few weeks now. And that scares me, too. I read the confessional thread and wonder: When will I relapse? I donīt trust my binge- free time....Donīt know why. BUt I try to keep two things in my mind:
1. When you think you never could have a relapse, you are very, very close to relapse
2. Itīs FOOD, not crack. One binge, one relapse means not that you canīt stop it and have to go on with binging. Itīs not deadly. But you have to stand up again after that. Fall 1000 times, get up 1001 times.

And about obsession with food: I really noticed that as well. Staying binge- free is nearly a full time job! All the thoughts, plans etc. I can make statements about the food thing, but I know the first weeks when I got sober. Just the afford of not drinling filled my day. Meetings, AA- literature etc. I was obsessed with that as well. Maybe thatīs the point why there is that "90 days, 90 meetings" thing in AA.
All I can say to you is: it gets better (was my experience with alcohol). The obsession about your drug of choice cools down with every sober or binge free day. Like you are allergic or something: you know it, you take care of it, but you donīt think of it each second of the day.
If you go on with your program and you are patient with yourself, it getīs better.

Hope you are feeling better soon! Stay strong!

Kate

[Hungry2Live]

WATER - I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am going through the very same thing right now. I'm on my 29th day binge free if I make it through the day. I can't even remember when the last time was that I was this successful at being binge free! I'm really hoping to make it 30 days and then just keep on going. But even though I haven't had a binge in this long, that lingering food obsession still remains with me. Everyday I think about food, everyday I fight binging, it is a constant battle, a constant struggle... and it's hard as heck!! I'm trying to keep myself in a healthy mind frame, I have been exercising nearly everyday and trying to keep my calories low - ALTHOUGH - I still don't eat very healthily. Sure I eat less but it's still more junk food than anything. I can't seem to let go of carbs and sugar. There have been times where I have come extremely close to binging, where I eat maybe a little more than I should of one thing, but then I stop before I get too out of control. Then I hurt my back, and got so discouraged because I could not exercise (l couldn't even stand, walk, sit..etc). But I'm recovering now and last night I went out for a 23 minute jog instead of eating (i was VERY hungry). Today as I squeeeeezed into my old size 8 jeans, saw the scale under 160 lbs (159.8 to be exact! ).. I'm regaining my motivation. But as I was having my morning walk I was contemplating going to McDonalds for breakfast. yes my old self keeps on trying to tempt me. anyway I know how you feel, it is a very hard struggle, but please keep your head up, be strong. How AWESOME does it feel to be 24 days binge free? I know I feel wonderful. I don't want to have that "so full I'm about to explode food coma" feeling. One more thing before I go... don't deprive yourself. I try to treat myself every now and then when I get a craving. But then I'm good for the rest of the day (or semi-good). well, gotta go. you've been doing great, keep it up!!!

[telemetrynurse]

Waterwater~

You've gotten some excellent information and encouragement from Hungry, Kate & Ellis. For some reason, my brain doesn't want to work right now (maybe I need caffeine? ) but I do want to say.......
Please never feel alone ---there are many of us that struggle and will be there for you to vent or to

Good luck in your fight~ you CAN do this!

[purplepansy912]

Take a long deep breathe and see where you have come from. One day atta time and all will be good
I have better days than worse ones. I'm hoping to remove the bad ones, but I know in my recovery that will take time
good luck

[da fat n da furious]

Water,,,you were there for me at my moment of weekness,,,Im there for you. Not sure if Im much help...I know like the others I am scared all the time. But I know that I can get passed this. I think about junk alot,,,and yet I am holding out. Im playing mind games with myself...stupid i know but its working. Just know you are not alone...

[WaterWater]

Thank you all! I know I am not alone in this, though sometimes I feel like I am, but you all are so wonderful and understanding and make me feel so great! THANK YOU!

[DairyQueen]

Try your best not to binge, but if you did it wouldn't be so horrible. We're humans, we're supposed to eat and every now and then we all have too much. In fact, I bet almost everyone has had a binge at least once in their life. Even Kate Moss. If you've seen Over the Hedge, it shows how us Americans live to eat. Its a huge part of our culture, so it isn't that abnormal for you to be interested in it. And having too much wouldn't be poison, it would just be overdoing what is initially a good thing. But not so horrible, and you shouldn't have to feel the need to "make up" for overeating by restricting yourself. You just made a mistake that won't really effect you too much in the long run. What WILL effect you in the long run though, mentally, is if you purge. That's the one thing that isn't OK to do even once.

[Penngirl]

Water,
Everyone that has posted has given such great advice. I can tell you too...you are not alone. I am a recovering bulimic after 14 years of on-and-off binge&purge. Yep, that's a long time. I constantly think of food and/or dieting. I have gained a large amount of weight, and am currently trying to get it off healthfully. Girl, I know what you're going through. It's tough to handle the food, the low self image, everything. But each day you wake up and feel lucky you took those steps out of bed. I'm lucky I still have my health, my teeth (for those of you purgers...you know what I mean)...and my sanity. My advice to you is be strong...know that you are not alone out there...and come here for support anytime you need a boost. This site actually gives me the support that for so long I was lacking.
Cheer up!