Question for those who are married/live with someone
You guys are going to think I'm crazy with all the stuff I've been talking about lately but here goes...
Do you of guys that live with someone ever wish you didn't? It just always bugs me that I have to be accountable to someone, you know? Like I don't want to have to answer "what did you do today?" EVERY day. I don't want to feel like I have to the laundry just because I mentioned I might do it. I don't want to worry that I won't be home at 5:00. Etc etc. I don't know if it's because I went from living with my mom to being married or what, but I just want to live be on my own for once. The hard part is I really do love my husband. It's not like we have a bad marraige or anything so I don't know why I have these kind of feelings. He's not controlling either (which this might make him seem). But it's like sometimes I just want to do it on my own. I want to pay my own bills, have dinner whenever I want, come and go when I want. *sigh* Well I think I'm going to quit. I think I've started rambling
Are you certain it's a case of having to answer to him, or just you feeling obligated to do so? Maybe if you talked to him about your feelings, you could possibly be pleasantly surprised about his thoughts on the subject. Who knows, right?
I don't answer to mine. Never have, never will. If I'm not home when he comes from work and we have made no previous plans, well, he has two working hands and electricity, he can fend for himself He knows who I am and he's fine with my being a human butterfly. If he wasn't fine, this would never work.
If you really want to experience life on your own, what do you think of getting a separate apartment for awhile? Or living part time with a friend? I spent one summer on a privately owned wilderness ranch with a bunch of crazy women like me... and I had a ball. It was one of the best things I ever did and you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. We were inseperable for a month or more after I got home. I think living apart like that made us both appreciate the other even more. When we talked on the phone while I was there, it was exciting. It felt like I was having a secret fling or something because we lived apart.
Even solo weekend trips are great for me when I want my freedom and solitude. I go where I want and see what I want, no one to object or interrupt and I'm totally in charge the entire time. Most of my friends have children, so its impossible to call them up on a Friday (which is usually when I "plan" these things) and ask if they want to drive out to the mountains or desert with me for a weekend, so it is always solo unless my husband is invited It's great that way though. I'm very introspective and generally solitary person (not to be confused with anti-social, I just like being my own best friend!) so it's a welcome break anytime. If you can get away like that, consider some solo trips or anything of the sort that appeals to you. Maybe things like this is the real sort of freedom you crave. To just let your hair down, wile out and do something new and exciting on your own terms. I know that sure gets my adrenaline going!
Marriage can be a bummer, no matter how good the relationship, if needs aren't being met. Especially those deeper needs like you're describing. Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for!
I did live on my own for a year, so my experiences are very different from yours. I went from living with my parents to living in college housing to living with my sister and her fiance and his daughter to living ALONE for about a year, and now I live with my boyfriend.
However, even though I did have that freer time, things to get tedious at times. A couple months ago, Jeff went to stay with his cousins for a few days (his older cousin needed to have some tests on her heart, so he stayed with her to help take care of her kids). I didn't get to see him at all from Monday-Friday that week, and I think it did us a world of good. It was actually the first time we hadn't slept in the same bed for a single night since we moved in together. When he finally came home, I could see how much he'd missed me, and I knew I'd missed him, too.
So maybe all you need is a few days to clear your head. Maybe you could stay with friends or relatives or heck, get a hotel room for a few days so you don't even have to clean up after yourself! Just explain to him that it's not because you don't want to be with him, rather just that you need a little "me" time. Everyone is entitled to a break once in a while, and I bet deep down, he might even appreciate being able to leave his towles on the bathroom floor for a few days
I know what you mean! I did get to be on my own for a while when I moved out of state to go to school for a year, and even though I was in a crowded dorm I did feel like I only had to answer to myself. I don't know if that helps me or what. Sometimes though I do tell my fiance that I am going out and don't know when I'll be home so that way I don't feel like I have to call and check in, which is nice sometimes. I think a lot of times too I think I "have" to do something and he doesn't expect it from me at all. I do understand what you're saying though. I think if it's something that is at all possible, plan a night out with some friends, even a weekend trip if that's something that is possible, I bet it would give you a great mental break!
I have always said that a woman should live on her own before getting married. When you go from mom to marriage you feel like, you had to answer to your mom and now you have to answer to your husband and you feel like you missed out on something. I lived on my own for almost two years before moving in with a man. That relationship didn't last and now I'm by myself again and although sometimes I miss the companionship, I love the freedom. Because honestly there is a freedom when you are not connected to someone.
I wouldn't suggest living apart for a while as this is your husband and not just your boyfriend. I like Jill's suggestion that you maybe just take a few days and hang out at a friend's house and have some time to clear your head. Maybe every few months or so you could do that. We all need a break sometimes.
I had three years of living alone before my fiance moved in. It's funny, I seem to have the opposite problem of y'all, though -- I'm always the one to ask how his day was, if he did what he said he would do, what time he'll be home... Mostly, though, it's because he's not a very communicative person and he needs asking in order to share basic things sometimes. I ask when he'll be home so I know if I should make dinner for him or just for myself and let him fend. I'm sure I get naggy sometimes, but I try not to.... So I'd say be patient with the one you think you're having to answer to, as long as it doesn't seem like they're *controlling* you with their questions. They probably just genuinely care.
But if you do need a break, I agree with teahoney re: jill's suggestion. Take a few days off. Go camping, go visit family alone. What works for me sometimes is even just not sleeping in the same bed for a few nights -- it helps with the crowded feeling.
Marriage/long-term relationships are like puzzles you have to solve. Sometimes it just takes a little more work to find the right piece... but it's very important that you do find it and don't ignore the problem.
Well, I’m married going on 7 years; I got married when I was 22 and we dated for 6 prior to getting married.
Yes, sometimes I wish I didn’t live with someone. I don’t ever wish I wasn’t married but gee my cutie can be very messy. Sometimes it’s just aggravating to not have things exactly like you want them. However, I have the type of marriage that does not require me to tell my hubby where I am at all times of the day. And if I’m not home at 5:00 PM it’s no big deal, but of course we have a child so we do have to know each others schedules. But if I have the baby with me and need to run errors then I can just run them and not worry.
I can totally relate, I moved right from my parent’s house into our house. But for the first 2 years of marriage we had absolutely no structure. If I got home from work and he wasn’t home it was no big deal, I would eat dinner, watch TV or go to dinner with friends. We have very different interests so one weekend he would be fishing and I would be spending it in Vegas with girlfriends. It was only after we had our son that things became more “structured”. I’m a big believer in family and separate vacations. We each get away on our own, or together or one with the baby etc
I think that's part of the problem, a couple of you mentioned it. We don't have anything seperate. Everything he does he WANTS me with him. It's not like he wants me around so he knows where I am, he just genuinely wants me to be with him. Even when he's with his friend (they dirtbike and jetski together) he wants me there. I'm sure his friend is probably sick of it. Then on my side I don't have any friends here. I had one in school but when I didn't go back this semester I never got my phone calls returned.
We have some some time apart. Every 6 months or so he has a work conference he goes to for a few days. And usually once a year I'll visit my friends/family alone. However that never really feels like a vacation. Since I'm under 24 I can't rent a car and end up being hauled around like back in junior high.
I've told him before (gently) we need to pursue some seperate hobbies. That lasted about a week and consisted of him buying a couple drawing books.
I'm a little lost here. I know I probably shouldn't have gotten married so young but what's done is done. And I don't want to mess it up.
I know how you feel, too, stacy. I have been dating the same guy since I started high school (yep, 14 years now!) and we got engaged about a year and a half ago. We lived together for one year while I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, and I very often felt cramped in our little apartment.
Our relationship up to that point and since then has been long-distance (which i don't reccommend), and when you're that used to having your own space and doing your own thing with your own time, living together is a HUGE change. I insisted on a 2BR apartment for us because I was afraid it was going to be a problem. And it WAS, but it usually only flared up occasionally.
I say you need a little bit of a vacation. It's sweet that he adores you so much, and that you want to be around to make him happy... but, you ahve to be honest with yourself, too. If you're feeling cramped, say so. You're not saying you don't love him, or that you regret getting married, or that you want to split up... All you're saying is that you are feeling a certain way, and you need to get away for a few days to sort it out. You'll come back feeling much closer to your hubby, I'm sure!
I lived on my own for 4 years before my fiance and I moved in together, so I got lots of time to myself. We have a pretty small house (the housing market here is ridiculous, so we took what we could afford!), so it's hard to have time to yourself at home, unless you're in the office with the door shut! I make sure I do a lot of stuff out of th house and on my own - I go out with my friends, go to the gym, hang out with my dad... sometimes my fiance comes along, but usually not. He has his own stuff, too - poker nights, movies with friends. It means that when we do spend time together, we enjoy it and each other. Sometimes I even feel like I'd like to spend more time together, what with both of us working, and my night classes. The point of my long and rambling reply is that I truly believe that no one is meant to spend 24 hours a day together, no matter how much they love each other! We need space and we need personal time. I needed so much personal time that I left him here for 2 1/2 months while I traipsed around South East Asia for a summer, but that might be pushing it!
It is sweet that he wants to spend time with you, but it can get smothering, too. I think maybe you should find something you can do away from him - do you have a gym membership? It's somewhere you can go on your own, and the more space you need, the better shape you'll be in! Or maybe take a class in something you've always wanted to try - art, a sport, bellydancing... something that'll get you our of the house and let you meet new people. Besides, having reasons like these to go out won't hurt his feelings. Don't englect yourself, because these feelings won't go away.
So read your thread ealier this afternoon. I am now coming back to post. I have been living with my boyfriend for only a month, we have been together for 6 years. But only after a month I am finding that having to be accountable to someone else is pretty annoying. Like for instance my boyfriend came home and immediately asked "did you go to the mailbox?" I didn't and he asks why not...umm cuz I didn't feel like!! Or when he asks what I did all day...
I've lived alone for 6 years now, ever since i graduated high school. i love independence but i'm lonely. what you're describing sounds wonderful. i'd love to have someone care enough to ask me about my day.
We've been living together for nearly 3 years and yes it does get smothering sometimes. Especially when I'm out a lot of the time, he moans that I'm not there, but when I make an effort to get home, he's either working late or out drinking
Anyway... I like the idea of just going somewhere by yourself, like a hotel room or away on an adventure holiday where you don't know anyone, or just like a little spa place or something for the weekend. I do love my own company and I feel like I get that little bit of space if I go out for a run at lunch from work. I also like getting back early on a Friday night - I have an hour or two to myself.
Why not take a day off work without telling him, just to spend some quality time at home? I did that yesterday and got all my batch baking done, and I had a nice lie in, then my music on full blast and after I came home from my kickboxing lesson all was good. Whereas sometimes if I've been on the go all day it can be smothering for him to moan at me that I'm always tired!! (Yeah! That's cos I come home at bed-time!!)
I understand the having no friends thing. I moved to Texas to be with my Hubby after 15 months apart (Iraq, then Germany while changing units). I don't work, and he is Active Duty Army, which means that he works from 5:30am until as late as 8pm, then is gone for days, or weeks, or months at a time. I know exactly 3 women here: 1 whose hubby works with mine, but otherwise I have nothing in common with, and 2 former neighbors from Germany that hate each other. Not exactly a social scene.
We've been married almost 5 years, but because of deployments he's been gone for over 2 1/4 of them. I get used to having the house to myself (my daughter is in school all day) and being in total control of every little thing. Then he comes home early for a few days, or has a 3 or 4-day weekend and it's like "Okay, enough! Go Away!"
We all go to the lake together on the weekends. He loves to fish. I don't. He fishes. I sit on the shore and enjoy the scenery and read.
When we're all home (in a very small house) I try to keep myself busy with my usual routine while he and my daughter play video games and watch movies.
I guess my point is that you need to find a balance between couple time and YOU time. Do you work? Go to school? The gym? I go between too much of my hubby, and not enough of him. It's having my own routines, even if it's just cleaning house, baking muffins, and a step class somedays, that keeps me feeling like I'm still my own person whether he's home or not.
Don't let him smother you, because in the end you will resent him for it and the relationship will suffer.
Good Luck!
Erin
Question for those who are married/live with someone
He knows who I am and he's fine with my being a human butterfly. If he wasn't fine, this would never work. 
It's great that way though. I'm very introspective and generally solitary person (not to be confused with anti-social, I just like being my own best friend!) so it's a welcome break anytime. If you can get away like that, consider some solo trips or anything of the sort that appeals to you. Maybe things like this is the real sort of freedom you crave. To just let your hair down, wile out and do something new and exciting on your own terms. I know that sure gets my adrenaline going! 
Just explain to him that it's not because you don't want to be with him, rather just that you need a little "me" time. Everyone is entitled to a break once in a while, and I bet deep down, he might even appreciate being able to leave his towles on the bathroom floor for a few days 
