This is such a sensitive topic for me, but I feel the need to get it off my chest.
I have been married for 2 1/2 years (we have been together a total of 5 years). When I met my husband in 2001, I weighed around 250, was fairly active, and happy - I even had my eating under control. I looked the best I had in a long time, even though I still had much weight to lose.
Everything was great between us.
Then I got on Depo provera and gained weight (June 2001 - Aug 2002); got on Meridia and lost weight (Sept 2002 - May 2003). Couldn't afford to stay on Meridia and gained weight (this was the summer before we got married, 2003)- it has been a slow and steady gain since we got married.
My husband truly is a non-judgemental person. He is friendly to everyone and doesn't care what they look like. He never gossips about anyone's size - in fact he never mentions it. He says he doesn't care if I try to lose weight or not, just whatever will make me happy. This is all great, however, I cannot shake the feeling that my weight tremendously impacts our relationship - even if it is on a subconscious level. I don't even know if he realizes it, but the more I think about it, he does treat me differently now that I am my highest weight (and every time that I have gained weight).
When I lost weight on Meridia, I got to about the size I was when we met, and I was wearing all these cute clothes and was generally happy with my size. He flirted with me all the time, and just overall seemed more loving toward me. Shoot, for all I know, maybe it wasn't my size, maybe it was just because I was happy with myself.
I don't want to say that my husband is not loving now, but it is certainly much different. I am certain if I lost alot of weight, it would be different again.
Obviously, I am very self-conscious about my size or this wouldn't bother me much. I don't know if anyone else has noticed things like this with their significant other, but I just needed to talk about it because the thought of being treated differently by the love of my life because of my size is extremely hurtful.
buckettgirl -- Oh, our weight seems to affect so many parts of our lives, doesn't it?? I can't speak to your exact situation, but my story has some parallels to yours. I met my husband 7 years ago when I weighed about 220 -- I had lost about 30 pounds and was feeling great! We were married 4 years ago. Over the years, I ballooned to nearly 300. I know he still loved me and have no doubt about that. But I also know that I felt worse about myself, and had less energy. I felt anything but sexy, my sex drive flagged.
A marriage is a dynamic system -- both of you affect your interactions with each other. It is possible that you feel worse about yourself and send off different signals and that he is less likely to flirt with you for those reasons.
Also, as a marriage "ages" our emotions toward each other shift naturally. The "new relationship energy" flags as we become comfortable with each other. This is something that happens in MOST marriages!
So, any changes may have nothing to do with your weight!
I recommend you a) talk to your husband about this issue and b) try to examine how you feel about yourself and c) talk to your husband!!
I can relate so much on this....but in my case,I think it was my own self loathing that prevented my husband from getting close and effectionate with me(he still wanted to get close,but I pushed him away...until he stopped trying anymore).No matter what I weigh,my husband tells me he loves me and I know he does,but back at my heighest weight,to me it didn't feel that way.I didn't like myself though...and it showed in everything I did.
Since losing some weight things have definately changed,but I know a big part of it is that I am feeling better about my body.I exercise daily and even that has had a wonderful effect on how I feel about myself...even when the weight wasn't moving downward yet.
I'd talk to my husband about it,but I know what he'll say,lol.He'll say he loves me regardless of what the scale and my clothes say.Hmmm,but in thinking...I'm not sure if I would have been ready to hear something different...if he honestly felt bad about my weight.
You say at a lower weight you were wearing cute clothes...maybe take a bit of time to pamper yourself(every now and then I do this.Buy some inexpensive items like a facial mask,foot massage lotion,etc.and do my nails and hair..just to give myself a little boost when I'm feeling down) and wear some cute clothes again.I was wearing my husband's clothes at my heighest weight..certainly NOT attractive to him,and I didn't feel attractive in his clothes.
Hi ladies! I feel like I'm looking in a mirror when I read your posts! Yep! Ditto! It has to be at least 80% (if not 100%) of how we feel about ourselves. Our husbands all seem to be great, caring, honestly in love with us kinda guys. (Cause mine says all that stuff too!) Well Bucketgirl I don't have any better advice than that of the others, but I do feel the same way and I wanted to give you a big ol' and tell you you that your not in the "bucket" alone! lol! A little pun to try and lighten the mood!
Good luck and stay focused!
ACtually, right at the moment, I feel quite frumpy.... Usually I wear sweat pants and t-shirts around the house because they are comfy. I always change before we leave the house... I don't usually take the time with my looks like I used to because I can't hide my size anymore, so I figure what's the point.
I'm sure that my personal misery with my weight has a larger role than I realize. Perhaps he has just given up trying to get me to feel better about myself - and I wouldn't blame him for it.
I know my husband will love me at any size, but I also feel like I am an embarassment to him when we are in public. I really do think that people look at us and think "what is that good looking guy doing with that fat cow?"
Having a weight/food problem really does have a multi-faceted impact on a relationship... If I talk to my husband about this he will just tell me that I'm not fat (YEAH RIGHT) and won't discuss anything else.
I just hope that this time I will lose weight and it will be lasting. I'm sure if I can get right with myself, our relationship will improve (it certainly is not bad, but, like all things, it could be improved).
My husband is a big man, so I basically DARE him to say something about my weight. My husband and I both need to lose weight. Although my husband is a big man, he is very well put together. He is a college student (he's 14 years younger than I) and people constantly compliment him on the fact that he doesn't dress like the average college student. He wears suits often, or at least a nice sweater and dress slacks. Now, his complaint about me is that I could do a better job with looking more attractive and being more confident.
Now ladies we, myself included, must shake this "frumpest" attitude. Dress up; look pretty! Take time to beautify yourself while you are working on the weight loss. It is proven that we can help to make ourselves feel better when we take the time to get beautified. If you dress frumpy, you will feel frumpy. When you feel frumpy, you do not exude confidence, which is helpful in our daily lives. I had a high school classmate to tell me that on days when she didn't feel good or feel pretty, she took even more time and effort to dress nicely and put on her make up, etc. She said that by the time she finished, she felt more confident, and could go on with her day.
For us, because we are heavier, people expect us to look a hot mess when we go out. They think we are too lazy to exercise and lose weight, and too lazy to look nice. Some think that all we will bother to put on is a t-shirt and some sweat pants. Others think that's all that we can wear because we are so big. So, it would behoove us to do what we can to eradicate these sterotypes!
I also think it would also be good if we work on the emotional aspects of being overweight. For those who believe in prayer, pray and ask God for guidance and for deliverance from the emotional baggage that comes with being fat, such as insecurity and fear. Speak positively about yourself. Don't be down on yourself. Positive confessions and affirmations are a great help. Find a good friend to talk to. Get professional counseling if need be. I am certainly thinking about it.
Be encouraged ladies. We are beautiful now, and will be even more beautiful when we learn to love ourselves and take care of ourselves. Whatever weight we are at this moment, the truth is that we are fearfully and wonderfully made! God took his sweet time to fashion and shape us in his image. We are what I call "THE DESIGNER'S ORIGINALS." See Psalm 139:14
I have a wonderful husband who has a great sense of humor, who is loyal and would never cheat on me. He loves me at any weight, even though he is as thin as a rail, without an ounce of extra fat on him.
When I get fat really fat, he doesn't treat me any different, but when I start to get thinner, I respond more to him, because I feel more confidence in myself. He does check out cute girls, and I would LOVE to be one of them. I would love to look like some of them look. I would LOVE to wow him with a great wonderful figure. So the fact that I can't bothers me more than it does him.
He loves my big bust, so sometimes he will say something about it, and I might say "yeah the rest of me is big too". I can't help myself. I don't like my overstuffed body. I said that the other day and he got turned off and said "don't do that." Not that my body is too big for him, but that he doesn't want me calling attention to my flaws. It is like taking a compliment and turning it into a negative. That IS a turn off to him. And I can certainly understand. Fat isn't attractive. But if you are attracted by the person you don't really see the fat, so much as the person inside.
I remember having a relationship with a guy who was really fat one time. At the time I was fat too, but I was working out at the gym a lot and was really trying to reduce my weight, and wasn't looking too bad (at least not in comparison). Anyway he made some comment at a critical time about his being heavy and I was a little bothered by the comment and told him that I was fat too. Like "why are you bringing THAT up?" Why draw my attention to it? Yeah you are right it is a bit of a turn off, but I wasn't with you or not with you because of what you look like it was the person inside I was attracted to.
Plus because he was heavier than me I didn't feel so unattractive myself, but because of him bringing up fat, I suddenly felt self conscious too!
So because of my experience with him, I can relate to my husband and why he wouldn't want me to mention it. He does compliment me and help me feel more attractive when I lose the weight, but I think that is not so much because HE cares, but because he knows I care, and he wants me to feel good about myself. I'm more responsive to him when I feel more confidence in myself. And I feel more confidence when I look better.
I remember my life before I got really fat. When I was thin, I projected confidence. I attracted people because of how I felt about myself. After I had gained only a little weight, I was not as attractive in my own mind so although I probably still looked pretty good, I stopped projecting that same aura of openness with people. After going to the gym and losing a lot of weight (even though I wasn't as thin as I had been years earlier when I was not projecting confidence) I had regained a sense of pride in myself, and was again attracting people to me. Heavier than at the "just gained a little but hating myself" stage, and yet still sending out good vibes to people.
Right now I'm heavier too, but because I'm losing I feel good about ME, and that feeling attracts people. It doesn't matter if it is hubby or others. Confidence and feeling good about oneself is attractive!
He flirted with me all the time, and just overall seemed more loving toward me. Shoot, for all I know, maybe it wasn't my size, maybe it was just because I was happy with myself.
You hit it on the head--you were happy with yourself! You projected that flirty, sexy image and he responded accordingly.
I know that with me right now, I don't feel very flirty or sexy because I feel so large. But magically, once I start eating right, exercising, and take care of myself by having regular hair appointments, manicures and pedicures, I feel as sexy as any thin woman! It's all in how well you treat yourself, how you value yourself.
I'm trying out the philosophy that to become what you want, you should act like what you want. In other words, if I want to BE thin, I should start behaving like a thin person.
I have no advice to offer in this situation, but, this thread was very interesting for me to read because I am getting married in July and it would be surprising for me if these issues came up... But I would say that I agree with Jen415 in that when we feel sexy, confident, and desirable, our mates definitely pick up on that. How you feel about yourself without a doubt reflects on your interactions with others. All the best...
I'm not married, but I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of over a year. He truly doesn't care about my size or what I look like, and I mean, if I think about it, I know it's true, just by the way he acts! LOL! But whenever he tells me, "you're so cute", I tend to roll my eyes or something to that effect. I know he loves me unconditionally, and truly doesn't care about my size. He supports me in my weight loss venture, as he's been there before. He used to weigh nearly 400 pounds, and has gotten down to 230 pounds. It's just my mindset, although, it's getting better with the more weight I lose...I know if I would have never started this journey, it would have hurt our relationship, since I'm so negative about myself. I really don't have any advice to share, as I am terrible with the way I treat myself, but I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in this.
I've been married to my husband for 1 1/2 years. I agree with all the other gals here that when we believe that we are attractive that we are more attractive, and feel more confident. It's human nature for others to see us as more attractive when we exude that attitude about ourselves.
That said, I would also add that we are often more critical of ourselves than others are. We notice that little extra roll or extra pound much much more than others do. When we look at that extra weight or feel the extra pull in our clothes, we see it or feel it a hundred times larger than it actually is. We forget that we are so much more than x number of pounds. Our husbands see us through the eyes of love. They aren't seeing an extra roll. They are seeing the wonderful, loving, amazing woman they fell in love with and married. Sounds like alot of us have married wonderful men who love us for the persons that we are. Next time your husband gives you a big hug and tells you he loves you, try to see yourself through his eyes. I also recommend going out and getting yourself a really cute outfit, complete with accessories, that fits you well at your current weight. Why not? You are loved!
One more note, I note that you were taking depo-provera. One of the side effects of this and other contraceptive drugs is weight gain. There is a method of family planning available that is 100% natural, as effective or more effective than contraceptive drugs, with no side effects since there is no medication involved. My husband and I use the Creighton Model FertilityCare System. It is NOT the rhythm method of natural family planning of years ago, which was NOT always accurate in determining the time of ovulation. The Creighton method is a scientifically researched family planning method. It involves the easy and non-invasive tracking of characteristic biomarkers to accurately determine fertile and infertile days. It can be used both to achieve or avoid pregnancy. To avoid, it is as effective or more effective than birth control drugs and devices. To achieve pregnancy, it is effective as well. 75 percent of couples who use the system to achieve pregnancy become pregnant within 1 cycle.
Additional benefits of tracking the biomarkers is that it gives you information about your health. It is possible to identify gynecologic problems such as ovarian cysts, causes of unusual bleeding, infertility and its causes,
and other problems. It increases marital bonding because it is a shared system. Why should the woman bear all the responsibility for fertility anyway? And why should we have to take a pill to suppress the gift of our fertility as if it is a disease? And take on all the side effects? I would rather work with my body naturally and be in it together with my husband. Our marriage has flourished because of it.
It does involve taking a few classes with a creighton method practitioner to accurately learn the system, and periodic followups are recommended at whatever interval you are comfortable with. Now that we know the system, we meet with our practitioner every 6-12 months. It is inexpensive to learn and once you learn it, it is free. I can't recommend it enough. And I can't believe how few people seem to know about it. I'd be happy to give you more info if you are interested. Feel free to post a question or pm me.
I too, have a muscular beefcake of a husband who can, and does, hike 25 kilometers in one day.
I always believed that he didn't care about my weight, he never said anything negative or hurtful to me...ever. That is..until one fateful night about four years ago when he said something that changed our relationship forever. He said that he was having a hard time being sexually attracted to me and that he "just couldn't take it anymore" (my fatness)...it broke me to my very soul.
I do have to say that at the time he was also turning to the internet for his own sexual needs which made everything a hundred times worse.
I wish he'd never uttered those fateful words...and I'm sure that he wishes the same every day. Because knowing the truth deep down inside makes thing rather interesting from that day on.
Now that I weigh somewhat less than I did then...I've gotten my own confidence back up..and in the four years or so, I've had enough therapy to get me to a place where I really don't care whether he's attracted to me or not..that I'm lovable and there are people out there in the world who would be attracted to me just the way I am.
Things are good between us today, quite good actually....but it's always there..those are words you can never take back.
Marriage is tough..but it is worth it if you have two people who love enough to work through the s*#t.
I hope all of you ladies who's wonderful men have never uttered an unkind word..get to keep it that way forever
Linda - I'm happy you and DH are in a good place today. So true though, words are very powerful.
I've been married for almost 6 years, and we've been together for nearly 8. I was "on a diet" when we met and had gotten down to 200 pounds from about 230. I started gaining weight quickly (once he was mine!) - all the way up to 284 - then back down to 170 for our wedding - only to find myself back at almost my high weight 6 years and 2 babies later.
My DH has been maintaining a healthy weight for years now, but it doesn't come easy for him - he has to work at it. Plus, before we met he had hit a high weight of 310. So, he understands where I'm coming from. To a degree. He doesn't understand the poor body image thing though. Some guys even when they are overweight don't lack any self-confidence I guess. He has never said anything negative about my weight, he's never pressured me to lose weight, he's always saying he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful (especially after having babies ) ... and it bugged him to NO END when I used to go on and on about my ugly body and how icky I looked in all my clothes. It was a huge turn off to him. So I quit with the negative talking awhile ago. Yes, I'm still self-conscious sometimes in public as well as in the bedroom from time to time. But it's getting better. I know that as I'm losing weight, being active and getting healthy, I'm starting to feel sexy again and he senses that. It's all about being comfortable in our skin, liking ourselves - no matter our size. I'm not prancing around the bedroom yet... Soon, though!
One more note, I note that you were taking depo-provera. One of the side effects of this and other contraceptive drugs is weight gain. There is a method of family planning available that is 100% natural, as effective or more effective than contraceptive drugs, with no side effects since there is no medication involved. My husband and I use the Creighton Model FertilityCare System.
I couldn't find anything online about how many days a month a couple has to forego intercourse for this method. That would be a very important determiner in my decision for birth control (ha, more important to weight gain to me!!). How many days is it?
I'm considering switching from the pill to the Nuva Ring, the hormone level is a lot lower than oral contraceptives and you only have to fiddle with it twice a month!
Maybe he senses your feelings and lack of confidence as you become less happy with your weight. My boyfriend says he can't really tell (yet) that I've lost weight, and didn't really seem to care that I put it on in the first place... but he DID tell me that I seem "much happier" now that I've started going to the gym, and got my food under control. He's even joined me in some of the dietary changes.
Considering he and his family have some rather... "large" people, I really don't think my weight is the issue, as much as my diminishing self-confidence at my own weight-gain. He says he just wants me to be happy, and it makes him happy to see me happy.
Being Married and Being Fat
I can relate so much on this....but in my case,I think it was my own self loathing that prevented my husband from getting close and effectionate with me(he still wanted to get close,but I pushed him away...until he stopped trying anymore).No matter what I weigh,my husband tells me he loves me and I know he does,but back at my heighest weight,to me it didn't feel that way.I didn't like myself though...and it showed in everything I did.
) ... and it bugged him to NO END when I used to go on and on about my ugly body and how icky I looked in all my clothes. It was a huge turn off to him. So I quit with the negative talking awhile ago. Yes, I'm still self-conscious sometimes in public as well as in the bedroom from time to time. But it's getting better. I know that as I'm losing weight, being active and getting healthy, I'm starting to feel sexy again and he senses that. It's all about being comfortable in our skin, liking ourselves - no matter our size. I'm not prancing around the bedroom yet... Soon, though!
