Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 yrs of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the Detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people . .
Somebody stop her before she puts any more jokes up
Kitty Litter Cake
1 spice cake mix
1white cake mix
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
1 package vanilla sandwich cookies
green food coloring
12 tootsie rolls
1 new kitty litter pan
1 new plastic kitty pan liner
1 new pooper scooper
Prepare cake mixes and bake as directed (any size pans).Prepare pudding mix and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup of crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix with a fork. When cakes are cooled, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. (Mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten.) Line new kitty litter box, add mixture. Microwave three unwrapped Tootsie Rolls until soft. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with three more Tootsie Rolls and bury in mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter. Heat three Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake, sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top of the cake; sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top. Take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs. Place box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around. Serve with the new pooper scooper.
Last one, I swear....can you tell I'm cleaning my Inbox?
Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
Friday giggle
I liked them all!
