Hi, Aileen! Thank you so much for thinking of me. You know, those thoughts must have been calling to me, because this morning was the first time in a long time that I've felt up to visiting the board. I haven't been following the program either, big time. I miss this board and all you girls. But I've been feeling like when I come here, all I do it take because I'm not feeling strong enough to give. You know? No one here makes me feel that way, of course. It's just in my head and I feel like I'm being selfish.
Joe said something to me the other day that made me take a step back and look at my feelings about weight loss. He's be in AA for 10 years. It's really a wonderful blueprint for life, even if you don't have a problem with alcohol. Even people who think they have no addictions can learn great things from it. But that's beside the point. He started a new job last week and was talking one day with his new coworkers and the discussion turned to drinking and someone asked Joe what he drinks and he said, "Vodka used to be my drink. I've been sober for 10 years."
Now in those 10 years, there have been those rare times when he's had a slip, took a drink out of frustration. Once or twice, it was more than one drink. But he always gave his will back to God and found the strength to get back on the program.
That inspired me. He wasn't lying to the guy, but he can say that because even though he's had slips (and may again), he's still an actively recovering alcoholic. He never let those slips make him feel like a failure. And he told me that in the past, when he was "trying" to stop drinking, he'd go a few days, lose the willpower, have a drink and submit to this image of himself as a drunk. And if all you are is a hopeless drunk, why the **** not drink? But once he stopped thinking of himself as a drunk and saw himself as a person, flawed and human like everyone else, he was able to see the slips as minor setbacks, not a reason to give up altogether and crawl into a bottle.
If you replace "alcoholic" with "overeater" and "alcohol" with "food" in that scenario, you'd have me, and probably more than a few others. I talk to him a lot about addiction and humility and the tenets of AA, and it makes a lot of sense. But I don't think I should get into it here because it does get kind of spiritual. But I do know that in a very dark moment last week, I reminded myself that I'm not in control of my eating, that it controls me and then I prayed for help. That night, Joe recounted that mundane conversation with his coworkers to me, and I knew that was my answer. Or part of it.
Plus, I've been being really hard on myself. For various, boring reasons, we have been so broke. So I haven't done much full-scale grocery shopping. And when there's no food in the house and I have $10 for gas, breakfast, lunch and dinner, I find it hard to buy a $6 salad from Whole Foods and wind up going for the $2 cheese steak from the lunch truck. So I got paid on Friday and before I pay a single bill or do anything with that money, I'm going to write out a shopping list that will stock me up for the week with good foods that I can build meals around, and I'm going to put aside the money I need for the gym, THEN, I'll pay everyone else!
God, sorry for rambling ladies. It's been a while!
Maggieshines!
