[jansan]

Hi all, I have been working on wl for a number of years now, and always seem to self sabotage myself when things start going really well. I have maintained about a 35 pound loss for several years, but always above 200. I've worked on the emotional reasons behind most of my weigh issues, feel good about myself, have life tools I never had before, no longer binge, yadda, yadda. Yet I remain heavy.

I was journaling today and here is something I came up with. I really like my life right now. There is not too much I would change in a major way about it, except for afew things such as weight, being messy, etc. Weight loss is indeed change. Major change. And when change occurs, there is no way to really predict what the eventual outcome will bring. No matter what we plan, it will aways turn out different than we expect, sometimes better, sometimes worse. And I really dont want my life to change in any substantive way. (Of course I dont know how much better it possibily could become....) Perhaps I fear wl will change things more than I might want, so I resist it. And then there is fear of the unknown that a different body would bring.

What I have to remind myself is that over the years I have given myself tools that I didnt learn growing up, and didnt have as a younger woman. I now know how to better deal with people and situations than I formerly did. It boils down to trusting myself. Do I trust myself enough to know I can deal with new things that come along, or do I not, and resist change in any way, and hence avoid having a chance at an even better life than now?

Change is inevitable -- in fact it cant be stopped. Why not attempt to channel it in the way I think is healthier? And that is going for sane, reasonable weight loss, as opposed to the life change of degenerative disease- the result of remaining too heavy. And, yes, I do trust myself to deal with what comes along with it. I got tools now.

Jan

[pyxie]

Hi -
I felt like you did in many aspects before I lost weight. I liked most of my life and knew that in the past, loosing lots of weight can upset the apple cart so to speak. This time tho, after 100 lbs lost, I hadn't rearranged any of my life in a major way other than the diet and exercise stuff.

This seemed to be a controlled change this time. When an illness comes up that is exacerbated by weight, that is an uncontrolled change. I do notice that I am not so afraid to go to the Dr with a problem as when I was 250+.

Now I also can just throw on some clothes and go out shopping - whereas when I was overweight I made sure to put my make-up on and have my hair look good;and was more careful what clothes I put on. I had to make sure I looked as good as I could to go out.... even for a quick run to the grocery store. Now, it seems easier to just scoot out without fussing as much to look great. I seem to know in my soul that I look more "average" and can blend in with a crowd and not be noticed.

When I was heavier, I felt folks looking - but not directly at me. I was the visible Invisible woman. I can dash out now and still get noticed, even in my grubbies. I still get smiles and nods and help in stores. Whereas before when I was larger, I just didn't get that same notice... even tho I put more make-up and better matching clothes.

I don't know if this will help you break thru any psychological resistance or not. Just know that you are in control of your response to the major changes in your life. I didn't want my life changed in any major way - and I held myself to that bargain. I just notice a bunch of smaller changes.

Another important change for me is that when I wake up from a dream..... I am the weight that my mind's eye had me in my dreams. That is a good feeling. I remember years of dreaming thin and waking up heavy. Now- it's a seamless transition. My body is as my inner self desires it to be. And that is very powerful.

Allie

[jiffypop]

jan- are you sure we're not twins? throughout all my yo yoing, there was always a part of me that realized that i was 'safe' when i was heavy. and i was also afraid of being thin. normal. more normal. whatever ya wanna call it.

and you're right - it's change. MAJOR change. but for me, the clincher was the weight workouts. they made me feel strong, in control. let's just ignore the improved metabolism because of the muscle mass. i feel safe because of the weights.

and i NEVER EVER NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS would have considered that weight training would have such a huge impact on my psychology!!!!

so you're also right that we have no real idea where the journey will take us, but i gotta tell you, it's been interesting,. challenging. and i'm soooo much better off!

[jansan]

Thanks for the responses Allie and jiffypop.

You said a couple of things Allie that I found helpful as I try to re-inforce that the changes weight loss will bring will be more to the good than negative.

Allie said: <<This time tho, after 100 lbs lost, I hadn't rearranged any of my life in a major way other than the diet and exercise stuff.
This seemed to be a controlled change this time.>>

This I liked to hear. I sometimes watch 'I lost it' on discovery health, and so many of the losers chronicalled there seem to have their lives changed way too much for my comfort. I sometimes forget I dont have to do anything I dont want to do, smaller body or not.

And:<<I seem to know in my soul that I look more "average" and can blend in with a crowd and not be noticed.>>

Very good to know. Being fat keeps one more safe by being in one way invisible, but... being a more normal size in some ways also serves as keeping one not noticed - if that is what one wants, and I do. I also like the part of being better helped in stores. While fat invisibility can have it perks , but all too often I have felt invisible to sales people in stores until I go grab 'em by the scruff of the neck and drag 'em over to help me.

And Jiffypop said: <<so you're also right that we have no real idea where the journey will take us, but i gotta tell you, it's been interesting,. challenging. and i'm soooo much better off!>>

I am reminding myself frequently that weight loss is indeed big change, that all change is not bad, that if I am ready for controlled change, it will be a wonderful, exciting, and yes, challenging experience.

Gotta come up with an affirmation on this one. 'change is interesting', 'change is good'
or, 'wl is change, and change is exciting.'

Jan

[jansan]

Weight loss is change.
Change will bring me what I want.

And this is what I want:

To be lighter on my feet.
To be faster and stronger
To take the stress off my joints and organs
To be 'normal' sized, whatever that is
To blend in better with people
To be able to buy clothes off regular racks
To take better advantage of thriftstore clothes
To be healthier
To live longer
To still enjoy food and eating
To finish the job of wl
To have the body that reflects the person I truly have become.

Weight loss is change.
Change will bring me what I want.......

Jan