Hey everyone .. I apologize in advance if I sound kinda down in this since I'm usually a happy person lol .. but I've just gotten to the point lately where I'm fed up with a lot of stuff ... and pretty much 99% of it is surrounding the fact that I'm very self conscious and not happy with my body ... My BF and I live together (have for almost 9 months now) and plan on getting married sometime next fall/winter (2005) ... we're extremely happy and things are great with us ... the problem is that lately I've started to get a bit depressed about the fact that I'm still about 30-40 lbs overweight (I'm about 165-170 right now, down about 60 pounds from 3 years ago) but I'm still not really happy ... my BF isn't into all the "skinny" chicks, and I KNOW he loves my body and all that ... and I feel bad b/c I try to cover up a lot when all he wants to do is just be able to look at me ... I'm starting to get more depressed about it all b/c I know that bothers him, and that makes me feel worse b/c I start to wish that I could be one of those girls that are "overweight" but still always happy and cheerful and who love their bodies .. I don't even have a horrible body ... I think its just that b/c my BF and I are so open (sorry if this is TMI) with sex, porn, etc ... that lately when we watch it, or I see on the computer that he's looked at it while I was at work (keep in mind, he looks at stuff online sometimes even if he's not going to "pleasure himself" he just does it b/c he's bored, or b/c we both go to a bunch of different sites from time to time for fun) ... but lately I've started to compare myself more and more to the girls so I haven't been as willing to watch it or look at stuff and that's starting to bother me .. my BF isn't one of those "ohhh ... I wish Ang had a body like THAT girl" and he's definately never sitting there thinking that the girls are prettier/better looking body or anything than me ... *I'M* the one sitting there thinking that and then I shy up on him .. even outside of sex and everything else I just look in the mirror sometimes and want to cry ... and I don't even know why ... my biggest "problem areas" is basically my stomach .. and I'd like to tone up my upper arms/thighs a bit, but other than that its not like i have a horrible body .. just the more I look at myself and think about things, the more upset I get...I was on weight watchers a few years ago with the points system and I did GREAT on it, only problem is that sometimes I do start to get a little "obsessed" and I either start eating way under my points, or I give up for a week or two if I make a mistake ... I lost about 35 pounds on the points system last time and I'm really wanting to try it again .. . it is hard though b/c right now my BF and I work semi-opposite shifts (I'm done early and we still get "lunch" time together and all that, plus his days off, and any days I'm off we get the mornings/early afternoon) but its tough for us to be able to cook and eat meals on a normal schedule ... not to mention with our work schedules being different, my sleep is way screwed up which I think is another part of the reason that I get so upset sometimes and am more apt to being depressed about other things (I.E. my weight...)
I've always been "active" but never really been able to come up with a good 'work-out' program or something and with fall/winter coming soon I know my days of being able to go outside & walk/rollerblade are quickly coming to an end .. I guess any advice I'm looking for is from anyone who either is going through what I am, and just some things that maybe help you make it through it and stick to things ... and if anyone has any good exercise tips or whatever .. I'm going to check out a lot of the recipes so that I can start cooking more and all that, but I know that a HUGE part of weight loss is your attitude and confidence ... right now I'm not very confident and I'm just worried that I'll end up giving up again and continue to be unhappy ... and I feel awful for that b/c outside of my weight I'm extremely happy ... my BF loves me to death, and I love him more than anything .. we've got a great future ahead of us, I guess I just want a little LESS of me to be there for that future lol .. my "goal" is to at least get to a point where I feel happy again, I want to get down to about 130-135 pounds (I'm 5'6") but if I get to 140 or 150 and I'm happy with my body then I'm not going to push it and make myself look sick or anything .. I posted on the Buddy board thats on here as well, but it'd be nice to have a buddy either just to chat with online to give/receive support through all this weight loss stuff ... or someone in my area (windsor, ontario) that might be able to get together every so often to maybe start working out or just hang out with someone going through what I am ..
sorry I rambled on for so long lol .. its just been a rough week and the BF just left for work so my mind's been racing about all this stuff lol .. I know they don't really want us to put our email addy's in here, but if you're interested in at least chatting, and you've got either MSN, AIM, or Yahoo messenger, you could send me a PM or leave a post here or something so I can get my addy's to you .. I wish you all the best with your weight loss and look forward to getting to know you all better! And I PROMISE that I'll try to be more upbeat from now on lol ... I normally am, just like I said it's been a rough week ... well a rough FEW weeks lol ..
Don't fret, we all get into funks now and then. I'll try and not to go too Dr. Phil on ya or anything, but you do have a lot going on. Conflicting schedules are always tough and it can be stressful. Maybe start non-food journalling and figure out how you feel about yourself. I know for a while (okay even now), I did get insecure when my BF talks about what a good body so and so has etc sometumes. I also was scared at that point about other things going on. Our bodies seem to be something to focus easily when other things are bothing us, I think a lot of us cope that way.
Anyway, feel free to join us on the daily thread and WELCOME
Hey Ali! Thank you so much for the response. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to ya. We've had a softball tournament all weekend and I had to go shopping for a dress for a wedding we're going to next Sunday so I haven't had a ton of time on the computer...I agree with you, that when we've got a lot going on in our lives, sometimes it tends to cause us to focus on things about ourselves that we don't like...my BF doesn't go on about how "good" other girls look, but when I see a pretty/thin girl walking by, I start to think about how much I wish I 'looked like her b/c he's probably thinking how much better she looks' ... yet I know he's not like that at all .. thats just me and my insecurities lol ... I've been thinking about starting a journal again (food and non-food related) as I used to keep one and it helped out TONS ... I've done better the past few days with eating (although I haven't "officially" started the WW program yet, I'm planning menus, looking up info, etc, and plan on starting within the next week) but I've been eating a bit healthier and started stocking up on foods that I'll be able to eat without going over my points ... I don't think it's that I have to be "thinner" to be "happy" ... I think I just want to feel healthy again, to know that I'm not putting a ton of junk into my body, and then maybe my body feeling better physically (due to healthier eating & the weight loss so I'm not as sore all the time) will at least help me get outta this lil funk I've been in lol ... thanks again for your response! I'm trying to keep up with the boards more as I've seen a lot of support on here, and would really like to be more a part of it, both receiving advice, as well as giving advice and support!
Thanks again, I look forward to seeing you around the boards!
Another newbie ... definately needing support
And I PROMISE that I'll try to be more upbeat from now on lol ... I normally am, just like I said it's been a rough week ... well a rough FEW weeks lol .. 
We've had a softball tournament all weekend and I had to go shopping for a dress for a wedding we're going to next Sunday so I haven't had a ton of time on the computer...I agree with you, that when we've got a lot going on in our lives, sometimes it tends to cause us to focus on things about ourselves that we don't like...my BF doesn't go on about how "good" other girls look, but when I see a pretty/thin girl walking by, I start to think about how much I wish I 'looked like her b/c he's probably thinking how much better she looks' ... yet I know he's not like that at all .. thats just me and my insecurities lol ... I've been thinking about starting a journal again (food and non-food related) as I used to keep one and it helped out TONS ... I've done better the past few days with eating (although I haven't "officially" started the WW program yet, I'm planning menus, looking up info, etc, and plan on starting within the next week) but I've been eating a bit healthier and started stocking up on foods that I'll be able to eat without going over my points ... I don't think it's that I have to be "thinner" to be "happy" ... I think I just want to feel healthy again, to know that I'm not putting a ton of junk into my body, and then maybe my body feeling better physically (due to healthier eating & the weight loss so I'm not as sore all the time) will at least help me get outta this lil funk I've been in lol ... thanks again for your response! 
