[March09]

Feel like a failure today. Nothing different from yesterday, so no big deal.
A bit of history: I have been overweight/obese most of my life, though I was a normal weight when I met my husband. I starting gaining weight a couple of years after we started dating and by the time we got married (6 year into our relationship) I was already 180lbs.
My husband, always athletic, stayed at the same weight, more or less, still looks great for mid 40s.
I lost about 65lbs a few year ago (from 275 to 210) in about 3 months and I got really sick. I know, it was stupid, I was starving myself, but after I started losing weight, I cut a lot from my diet plan, (almost half of the calorie intake) and I ended up in the hospital. To cut the story short, I gained everything back in the following year and now here I am again, starting again, trying to lose the weight in a healthy way this time.
After my first week, I was very happy, I lost 4.5lbs, doing great mentally, not so well with my plan, but still making healthier choices than before. So, at the dinner table, my husband looks at my plate ( veal cutlet with salad) and proceeds to preach that I will never succeed if I will not follow my diet plan, that why should I change the plan that was working ( obviously didn’t work if I am again 275lbs) . I told him to stop, that I am trying to eat healthy, even if it’s not the plan from few years ago. He just told me that he knows better, as he never passed 200lbs in his life, so obviously he is the more competent one to give advice.
Something snapped in me and I got up and left. I don’t understand why the need to put me down when I am doing well, why the need to call me names, why the need to make me feel worthless.
So, maybe someone can make me understand how to deal with this. He’s been calling me names for a long time, I wouldn’t say he is abusive, but when he gets angry he tends to get into my space and just hurls all kinds of words at me. I know he is frustrated with my weight and it’s very hard for me to believe him when he says I’m beautiful when just a few hours ago he was mad and getting into a fight about my weight. He even told me that if this weight problem would disappear, we wouldn’t fight at all.
I was just thinking … We started dating when we were really young… but I am sure he wouldn’t pick me if it was to start a relationship now. He wouldn’t even look at me. But I am pretty sure I wouldn’t pick him either, emotionally we are not on the same page. And this is a sad thing to realize after 25 year together.
So, half of my brain says he is right, why should he put up with an obese wife when he is so fit and perfect, and the order half of my brain says I deserve better than this. Yes, I am obese, but I am more than that: I am a good mom, and a good cook and I bake amazing cakes, and I have a successful carrier, and I am a great daughter and sister and aunt and friend.
Sorry for the long rant… I am so lost and need a word of advice…

[VermontMom]

Hey, you are right, you should NOT be getting preached at and worse, being called names, when you are actively trying to stay on track. I know some people will say, 'don't let what others say hurt you' but ****, when it's your husband, that is not right. I guess he is frustrated, but he is not being helpful AT ALL by reacting that way.

I don't think anyone ever lost weight better because someone is nagging them. 'maybe' he thinks he's being helpful by giving you advice, but he sure doesn't know how to do it tactfully.

That he still says you're beautiful is wonderful and I bet you ARE. Because you are beautiful inside and out, you are a great mom, sister, daughter, aunt, all that ( and I would love to hear about your amazing cakes, as I am a pastry baker) you are a great PERSON.

I don't have any diet advice because I struggle myself with binging/restriction, I don't have a healthy relationship with food, but I bet you will get there on your own terms, your own time. But I do advise to find a 'place' here on 3FC because the friendship and info here is great!!

[Mazzy]

Actually, I think you're doing amazingly well to have the insight you're having....to be able to walk away and defend your right to kindness. It's hard to experience the pain, but I think you've got it figured out...you just need to keep going the same way you are now. Eating for health and well being when you may have emotionally eaten in the past may cause things to arise that feel more challenging than you're used to. Let these issues come up and be brave enough to face them. I love the Sarah Bareilles song where she says, "Say what you wanna say, let the words fall out, honestly. I wanna see you be brave." You've got this 100%.

[IanG]

Your new diet sounds great.

But your marriage sounds like it is on the rocks, although not yet broken.

I would advise marriage counseling.

[curvynotlumpy]

March09! We're happy to have and support you here! Wow, your message is breathtakingly honest and heartbreaking Oh, I have so much to say, but I'll try to keep it brief.

on losing 4.5 pounds! If there is one good thing about being at our heaviest, it's that when we do make changes (and sometimes they don't have to be very dramatic) the pounds come off more quickly. A lot of it is water but when you see that number on the scale moving down it is a HUGE incentive.

Lose weight for you, not for him! Whether married, single, or divorced this is about you and your health and the goals you want to achieve. It's wonderful that you have a plan and that it's working. Clearly, you know what doesn't work and you don't want to get sick again. Losing weight quickly and starving yourself takes a toll on the body and you are destined to regain it. Fight the impulse to "want it all now." You'll thank yourself later.

Your husband is wrong; if weight was not an issue it would be something else you'd be arguing about.

I wonder if his bullying behavior and angry outbursts stem from him not wanting you to lose weight. Think about it; if you lose weight your confidence builds, you might tend to yourself differently so that your outer beauty is more aligned with your inner beauty you already possess, you might get more active in your community, at the gym or pursuing hobbies that you put off due to feeling depressed about your weight. And heaven forbid, what if you lose weight and start getting positive attention that you never had before?!! I'm sorry, his behavior has insecurity all over it.

Let him know in no uncertain terms that you want your health and you have a plan and you will eat and exercise accordingly. If he cannot support you in action and word, his comments are going in one ear and out the other. You know what you want. The more you toughen up and "push back" the more empowered you will feel.

Finally, prepare yourself for the times when you won't be on plan and he tries to throw that in your face suggesting that you are either weak, not serious, or not trying. Why does he get to be the only fit/in-shape person in the house? that!

Big to you. Good luck and keep coming here and posting! So many great people on this site.

[March09]

Thank you guys for the support. Your words meant a lot yesterday!
He apologized last night and said he will never do that again. Heard that a hundred times, so it doesn't really mean anything to me...

I am staying strong, sticking to my plan, it's a long road ahead, I need to be mentally strong !
Thanks again.

[Ronja]

An obese wife of a fit husband here! I know the feeling of not matching your spouse physically. On the other hand, I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds during our 15 years marriage and my husband never said a word. He supported me when I was losing and he kept his mouth shut when I was gaining. Granted, with me lot of it was related to my health issues, such as long corticoids treatment, so he was mostly just glad I was healthies, even if fat.

Here's a thing: you can take all the negative comments, name calling and shaming, and use it as an excuse for not being able to follow your diet. Or you can use it as a power that helps you push through the tough times and stick to your determination. You CAN lose wight, you CAN keep it off and you WILL be healthier and happier when you do it. You may have a good marriage, or you may have a crappy marraige, or you may have no marriage when this weight loss journey is over, but you will have a new body and new confidence either way. And that really counts.