How do you keep your head up high when the world doesn't want you to?
I posted on here three years ago, and surprise surprise I'm still very overweight. Approaching 400 I'd believe. I'm 27 now, dreading reaching the big 30 with nothing accomplished in life. I lost my father early in life to drugs, still miss him to this day. My mother had a stroke in my early 20s and I took care of her 24/7 while I still lived with her.
Since I last posted, I have moved out and experienced life all on my own. It's hard. Most days I don't want to get out of bed. I don't work, I don't have offline friends, I don't have family around hardly ever. Maybe once a month if they feel like stopping by. I've never had a relationship. There's honestly nothing good in my life. I had an emotional support feline my psychiatrist prescribed who passed away suddenly nearly 8 months ago from a rapid virus when he was only 16 months old. I loved and cherished him dearly. I've since gotten a new kitty friend, but haven't bonded with her nearly on the same level. I still miss the other one very much.
I'm disabled from mental health issues .. but the plan was to lose weight and hope the anxiety and depression go away with it.
I just live the same day. I wake up. I sit all day by myself. I go to bed. I rely on myself for transportation. I don't have a car or a license so I'm limited to wherever I can get to on foot. I barely have 20 dollars to spend from my SSI after I pay my bills and get necessities like toilet paper, cat litter/food and change for the laundry facility. public transportation is too expensive, so I just have to walk everywhere. Even in -15 degree weather this winter.
Some days I go on walks, but recently -something- always happens that ruins the experience and makes my anxiety worsen. Guys have been screaming out "YOU FAT LOSER B*TCH" from their car windows as they drive by.. which.. of course feels wonderful. Normal weight women get cat called, whereas I get insulted and humiliated.
I was more active before my first cat passed away. He gave me a lot of comfort and confidence I never had before. I was losing weight. I was okay.
I tried joining two nearby wellness centers but they rejected me because of my size.
Not a single day has gone by where I've not thought about my weight and my health. Doctors scold me, belittle me, talk down to me like I'm stupid. I'm really not... it's just.. how do you motivate yourself when no one else in the world cares? Everyone feels the need to knock me down a few pegs when I'm already struggling. I find no joy in eating, and every time I do, I hate myself even more.
Being told to put down the fork and get out there doesn't really help. I barely eat 2,000 calories a day. That's over a 1k deficit of what I need. If I eat any more I feel stuffed and sick. The only time in recent memory where I know I consumed over 2k calories was the week after my cat died. I hadn't eaten food for nearly a week and a half - I got a footlong veggie delite and 6 donuts. I ate all of them within the day. I will admit I'm not very active, not at all.
I don't know why I'm here. I just don't know where else to go.
1) An intelligent person. You write well and articulate your emotions clearly.
2) A sad, lonely and depressed person.
Note: The first trait is much more permanent than the second.
Hun, you got what lots of other folks don't even know they lack: a brain. And feelin's, too, for that matter. I'd bet money you also have a wicked sense of humor.
It's hard to have hope when life throws turds at you. I try to have hope anyway. And duck lot.
...keep coming back and let us know how things are going...
1) An intelligent person. You write well and articulate your emotions clearly.
2) A sad, lonely and depressed person.
Note: The first trait is much more permanent than the second.
Hun, you got what lots of other folks don't even know they lack: a brain. And feelin's, too, for that matter. I'd bet money you also have a wicked sense of humor.
It's hard to have hope when life throws turds at you. I try to have hope anyway. And duck lot.
...keep coming back and let us know how things are going...
I second this and also send you big hugs . You are clearly a smart, caring person. That's a lot more than what many people in this world have.
Years ago a very good friend taught me about "opposite to emotion" action, and it has helped me tremendously in many aspects of my life. I'd like to encourage you to research it via google, etc.
Also, if your doctor is treating you with disrespect, I would encourage you to find another if that's feasible. Have you had blood work done to see if there's anything going on medically that needs to be addressed?
I cant help but feel for you. The others are correct, you come across as an intelligent, emotionally aware, interesting person with so much to give and get from life.
I have never been where you are personally, but i have experienced great loss and depression which can be so isolating. For years when i was facing depression and in an abusive relationship i felt my only real friends were online and they were. There is nothing wrong with that. yes it can be physically isolating and lonely, the lack of a friendly arm touch when you say something touching or seeing the smile on a friends face when you share a joke. Im not saying this will be the right thing for you at all, but have you ever thought of trying to meet some of them? Even via FT or skype. Its how i met the love of my life - via world of warcraft, we then progressed to FB and FT/skype until one day he was visiting his mother who happened to live an hours travel from me. We met for a drink and 11 hours later at about 4am we realised how late it was and that we had to say goodbye.
You mentioned trying to join wellness centres - are these weight loss clubs? If they are then shame on them. If not, have you looked into the possibility of those near you? Where you will meet people in a similar situation to yourself?
I dont mean this cheekily but if you dont go out for walks as much anymore because of the bullies (and yes thats what they are) what do you do all day? What i found helped me was looking at motivational transformations on youtube etc. Many of them tell you how they started out simply by doing basic everyday tasks more often. For me, it was putting music on while i did housework - you naturally sing and dance along. Yes it takes longer to do tasks but the benefits are immense. You exercise without knowing and it made me feel so much happier wiggling around to happy music.
This may not work for you but please think about giving it a try.
Some of the ladies at my work also swear by standing up and sitting down for the duration of their favourite programme - ever just till the first ad break.
Please dont ever feel like you are alone - we are here and online friends are still friends. Sometimes even better friends because you can tell us everything and anything and not be embarrassed or scared of knee jerk reactions.
I know how much it hurts to be yelled at and harassed while out walking. But I can tell you that even the times that I got cat calls I felt violated and humiliated too. Please don't think it's a good thingwhen women get catcalls. In both instances a man is displaying disrespect towards women and that says more about them than it says about you.
I get the feeling that you think life happens TO you and that is a pov that doesn't serve anyone well. It's not possible to make relationships with people if you don't put yourself out there and that's true for anyone. Find something you are interested in doing and go do it, fully aware that there may be negative consequences along with positive ones. You gotta take the good with the bad. It has everything to do about attitude, that's where your life starts.
Weight is a factor but not as big as you think it is. This is a diet forum, diets don't work, and diets make people miserable. But life is good and you don't have to lose weight to make it so! I'm in the process of learning how to accept my body as it is. There are things that are helping with that such as intuitive eating, Vedic meditation, and plus size fashion. I have an Instagram account and I subscribe to beautiful plus sized fashionistas - most of them bigger than me who are dripping with style. Fashion may not be as important to you as it is to me but the pictures of these women's lives is so inspiring to me, daily! It's really shaping my mind in a different way and everyday I feel a little more confident to wear clothes I didn't think I had the right to wear. This positivity infects my whole attitude. If you don't have positivity is your own learn from others until it feels like something you can take on for yourself. Get out of the house and feel stuff!
I sent you a private message, Yigg, but I don't know if it got through. I hope you will contact me because I may be able to help you with some of your problems as I've shared some of them myself (my highest weight was around 370 so I've been where you are).
You're suffering from an impoverished life in every respect and it's very hard to break out of the situation you are in. This is one of the things that people who aren't poor and don't have your issues can't really comprehend. Your world is small and it's very hard to make it any bigger under the circumstances, but I've also spent a lot of my life similarly impoverished (economically, physically, relationship-wise, etc.). You need some hope and some encouragement that is meaningful to you. I don't know if I can give you those things, but I may be able to point you in some directions where you can find them. I'm not talking about vague things, but about concrete steps and actions that should be within your ability to manage even with your present limits and issues.
I'm not trying to be vague and cryptic, but I also don't want to come across as spammy or promoting something inappropriate (and, no, I'm not trying to get you to buy or sell anything). Neither my husband nor I had jobs for 2.5 years and I found several ways to do things which were free or cheap or got me a little extra luxury here and there. They aren't big things, but they were enough to focus my attention and to give me some small indulgences occasionally. This is just about helping you cope with the economic impoverishment, but I think that you may also be able to slowly expand your quality of life over time with some psychological guidance. If you want to contact me, check your private messages. I gave you my e-mail address.
Yigg, I can only imagine what you are going through and what you have had to deal with, as I've never lost a parent. With that, I have respect for your struggle, and feel sympathetic towards you. I have struggled with treatment resistant depression and anxiety nearly my whole life, and with being obese myself, so to some extent, I do understand, but maybe on a smaller level. I also understand to some degree what it's like not to have the proper support system to help hold you up when you need it most.
Losing both parents at a young age, and especially having to care for your sick mother at a time when you are coming of age as an adult is a tremendously difficult thing to deal with, and probably has a huge impact on your relationship with your body and with food. Have you had a chance to work on these issues at all, either in therapy or on your own? What steps have you taken to help improve your situation?
I've had some of your issues, on welfare with disability, chronic pain, mental health problems and autoimmune disease. I too am isolated, and it's hard to not turn to food for comfort in these situations. I would encourage you to focus on one small thing at a time to feel better, and give you a sense of purpose and achievement.
For weight loss, I am seeing far more weight shift when restricting my calories to 1200 a day, and not worrying too much about exercise at this point. Your limit may be different as I am 205 lbs right now.
This forum is an excellent source of support. You can do this. Just one day at a time.
The only thing I have to add to these responses is that sometimes people are unkind . Imagine if you screamed at someone out of a car. Wouldn't you feel bad about yourself? That's not ok behavior, and it's not justified, but it reflects poorly on them, not you. If you're doing your very best to improve your mental and physical health, people, including doctors, shouldn't be putting you down. It's a problem in our society that they feel like it's ok to treat overweight people badly, but just because it isn't widely recognized as a problem yet doesn't mean it's not a problem. Racism was still not ok even when most people thought it was. It's an ugly part of our society, but it's not your fault. I would also add that I think jerks will find a way to be jerks and get away with it. You're the target now, but if the culture was different, they'd probably find someone else to pick on just as much. Again, it's not your fault, and it's not reasonable criticism.
Also, I have had a lot of struggles with doctors not believing me when I described my symptoms or vaguely attributing everything to my weight ("I don't know what it is, but if you lose weight it will get better.") Eventually I got fed up and switched doctors. I don't know how medicaid and medicare work in your state, but in my state it's not hard to switch primary health care providers. If the next one doesn't work, switch again. You deserve high quality health care.
I'm really sorry these things have happened to you, and that you feel isolated. But you seem nice, reasonable, and intelligent from your post, and I really think that when you feel better and are able to make some progress on your mental health and financial situation you will be able to find some friends who appreciate you for who you are. I wish you the best of luck.
How do you keep your head up high when the world doesn't want you to?
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