Hi JKBun!
First of all you are totally in the right place. You've made a really important step in coming here!
I know exactly what you're going through and so many others here will as well.
I can understand your fear of getting on the scales. When I was at my heaviest I got on, saw the number, said "Oh, well done" and cried! You are definitely not alone.
First of all, its
never too late.
Every positive step you make from here on in is going to do wonders for your body, health, and mind.
Secondly, and this is the most important thing that kept me going so far, is that
the time is going to pass anyway. It's easy to say "Oh, that's going to take me so long I may as well not bother". This was my downfall many times! Yes, it may take months, or a year, or two. Those years will pass anyway. November will come around anyway. But you can make changes that will make that time worth it!
I'm very familiar with the self destructive cycle and have only just managed to break it myself since Christmas
I also suffer with anxiety and depression and sense that you, like myself may like nice food as comfort!
There really is no easy solution as you probably already know. It's an arduous task and requires an enormous amount of strength, attitude and lifestyle overhaul. And I 100% believe you have all three of those! Take one day, one meal at a time. Opt for healthier, low calorie choices.
If you want chocolate I recommend Special K's chocolate cereal bars or one of those mini kinder bars. Skips are only 78 cals per pack, Quavers are similar i believe. Find a fruit you like (I'm addicted to apples right now!). Serve your portions as if you were feeding a child. My favourite meal right now is 3 hash browns, 5 chicken dippers and 200g baked beans. I'm not even ashamed!
I also order kids' meals in restaurants because I can't stand salad. May as well eat something i'll enjoy, right?
Snack on carrot sticks dipped in 50g of houmous. Treat food as if it is a precious life force. Enjoy every bite, put your fork down between mouthfuls.
Most important of all, remember that you don't need to wait til you reach your goal weight to feel beautiful. Paint your nails, use expensive shampoo. Wear bright lipstick and have long hot baths
Your body is your vehicle in life, and even whilst we're working on improving it it's important to take care of yourself. You are beautiful!
Best of luck and sparkles to you!