I've been separated for three years, divorced for almost a year. 2014 was the most turmoil I've ever seen in my life. My spouse of 25 years had enough of being married (mind you...I was a great wife; cooked, cleaned, did all the laundry, worked outside the home, did all the grocery shopping and took care of my hubby very well - including the intimate stuff!). We did argue at times and he didn't like that. Other than that, we were good.
Talk about major life changes. Feb 2014, our house sold (this was his idea; I wasn't ready for any more changes after he left). March 2014, I had moved out of the house and into a condo. May 2014, wound up getting VERY sick (it wound up being colitis, which caused me to constantly get sick to my stomach; not to mention the horrible diarrhea and intenstinal pain). August 2014 the divorce was final.
Back to 2012; I had lost 100 pounds - felt the BEST I ever had. Wound up gaining it all back by the end of 2013.
It's been so hard getting back on track. Mostly because I have pretty much given up on life. No, I'm not suicidal, but I struggle with sadness - mostly due to my weight gain and yes, the divorce.
Been trying to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. I re-started my healthy eating program on Sunday (July 19th) and I have been doing good so far. Exercise is painful to do (my hips have inflammation and just the excess body weight sucks). But I keep pushing thru it. I cry halfway thru my workouts because I'm so disgusted of how I look and how tired I am as I am doing them. All I remember back in 2012 is how much energy I had. I would come home and get changed and workout doing cardio; then go downstairs into my basement and do weight training.
I have all the equipment in my condo to do all of this with. My mindset isn't the same for some reason. Maybe because my ex husband lifted weights with me and was my "cheerleader". Whatever the reason, I need to know how to push myself through this.
Not with the weight (as I lost it and managed to keep it off) but I am recently (1 year in) separated after 9 years of marriage with two small kids who now live outside the country. It sucks.
For me, my diet and exercise are really the only things that keep me going. They give me relief from anxiety and allow me to focus on me. And they're two things my wife cannot take away from me. Which gives me comfort.
You are right with the arguments. Once they become regular, the writing is often on the wall for a marriage. That and regularly sleeping in separate rooms (a result of arguments for me). That will kill it too.
And, of course, people change.
An old boss of mine once gave me some good advice I should have listened to. It was never go to bed or leave for work arguing with your spouse.
Good luck! You need to find the new you. And life will get much better.
I'm so sorry. Divorce up close is always so much more tragic than it appears from the outside.
I haven't been through a divorce but I parented a child with reactive attachment disorder while simultaneously parenting three other kids. It was so stressful that all I did was gain, gain, gain. It wasn't that I was eating, it was that I was in sort of a one day at a time daze. I was simply pulling myself through and not thinking about my food choices or my lifestyle. I just didn't have the energy to spend on myself.
But as time went by and my son began to heal, I became more unhappy with myself. I knew I was going to die if I didn't change something. First it was just doing what I could. Sometimes I'd walk or do Pilates, but nothing really regular. And then I began looking at my most unhealthy habits. For me, number one was my nutrasweet consumption. So then I began making one change at a time. First, I cut out the nutrasweet. I didn't lose a single pound, but this change was not just about weight loss, I was healing my body. Then a few months later, I cut out the sugar. Then the weight started to come off. Then I committed to daily exercise. Now, I'm getting healthier everyday. I'm sleeping better. I have more energy.
So I guess I would say don't try to do everything all at once. Do what you can NOW. Incorporate that change and then make another. I think you'll eventually find that healthy living will give you control over your life. Hang in there.
Not with the weight (as I lost it and managed to keep it off) but I am recently (1 year in) separated after 9 years of marriage with two small kids who now live outside the country. It sucks.
For me, my diet and exercise are really the only things that keep me going. They give me relief from anxiety and allow me to focus on me. And they're two things my wife cannot take away from me. Which gives me comfort.
You are right with the arguments. Once they become regular, the writing is often on the wall for a marriage. That and regularly sleeping in separate rooms (a result of arguments for me). That will kill it too.
And, of course, people change.
An old boss of mine once gave me some good advice I should have listened to. It was never go to bed or leave for work arguing with your spouse.
Good luck! You need to find the new you. And life will get much better.
Like Ian, when I was approaching my divorce and going through it, my commitment was much stronger because it was something that I was doing for myself and nobody else could take it away. It gave me a focus that I wouldn't have otherwise had, and looking great was a much needed self-esteem boost.
What is nice is being 100% responsible for the foods you bring into the house. Meal plan, eat only what YOU like, and be kind to yourself. It does take time to really get back to feeling like you again, and sometimes that "you" is better than the one before.
Thanks Ian and Treasa. I really appreciate your kind words.
It's funny...I thought at almost a year of being divorced I would be over everything and happy again. I guess being married for so long can be pretty traumatic. And, it doesn't help that I didn't want the divorce. I think if we were in agreement about the divorce, things would be much different for me.
So far, exercise has been something I really am struggling with. I do it, but I'm taking frequent breaks doing the DVD. And last night I couldn't even finish the DVD. I had about 10 min left of it. I was feeling light headed so I stopped the DVD. Have no idea why that happened. I layed down for a bit and it was gone. I'm just determined to do the same DVD again tonight. I will tweak it a bit different; won't use any weights for the second sets.
On the plus side....I lost 4 pounds since I started my program as of Sunday! That's always nice to see the scale moving. I'm hoping I can lose like I did the last time. I averaged 3 pounds a week. I might not be so lucky this time because I am going thru the change, which stinks.
Like Ian, when I was approaching my divorce and going through it, my commitment was much stronger because it was something that I was doing for myself and nobody else could take it away. It gave me a focus that I wouldn't have otherwise had, and looking great was a much needed self-esteem boost.
What is nice is being 100% responsible for the foods you bring into the house. Meal plan, eat only what YOU like, and be kind to yourself. It does take time to really get back to feeling like you again, and sometimes that "you" is better than the one before.
Thanks, Munchy Yeah, the funny thing is when he left, I still remained working out. I think what happened was I really thought he would come back. When he signed the lease to his condo for the second year, I starting getting depressed and realized this was probably the end. And what made it worse was several times he tried getting back together with me. After he broke it off the second time of trying to get back together, I completely fell apart and turned to food. After our house was sold and I moved into a condo, I didn't even want to continue living. Kept praying to God to take me home with Him. And yeah, I still feel the same way now. That's probably why it's been so difficult for me to stay on the horse; although I've been doing good since Sunday. Still riding the horse
What also hurts is that my ex has a girlfriend that he's serious about. They are in love with each other. And, she's tiny, petite and blonde. He's always wanted one of those. So....it makes me feel that much insecure.
I had to make a tough decision. I cut all ties and communication with him. I even changed my phone number so he can't call/text me. I need to heal, and I can't when we stay in contact with one another.
It's funny...I thought at almost a year of being divorced I would be over everything and happy again. I guess being married for so long can be pretty traumatic.
I know. A year in and I still feel in shock. It's like a bomb going off in your soul. I swear I have a ringing in my ears. And I find myself walking around in a daze sometimes. But things will slowly get better. Time does heal. But slowly. I hate the flashbacks.
I know. A year in and I still feel in shock. It's like a bomb going off in your soul. I swear I have a ringing in my ears. And I find myself walking around in a daze sometimes. But things will slowly get better. Time does heal. But slowly. I hate the flashbacks.
I can't take anymore crying. It really stinks
Good analogy. A bomb going off in your soul. That's exactly how it is. Once I moved and all the craziness of having to pack the house up, make all the moving phone calls, etc., I felt like I hit a brick wall. I lost who I was. Who was I? I was a wife (a damn good one, too), a friend, a confidant, a mom. I'm still a mom, but I lost my soul mate. It's like a limb was severed from my body. And what hurts the most is seeing him with someone else. In LOVE with another person. I just wish this freaking pain would go away.
I'm sorry you got a divorce, It will get better, Since We are close to losing the same of weight I will be your weight loss buddy if you want too. You lost 4 pounds and I've lost 5 so thats pretty close to the same.
Ive been divorced for 3 years now too... and it's been hard, but after a while I enjoyed looking after myself for a change instead of him and his needs (cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc!)
it will get better, you can turn it around and try to see the positive side of things, like your nice new condo and more time for yourself.
I'm sorry you got a divorce, It will get better, Since We are close to losing the same of weight I will be your weight loss buddy if you want too. You lost 4 pounds and I've lost 5 so thats pretty close to the same.
Thanks Terra And yes, I would love to be your weight loss buddy!
Ive been divorced for 3 years now too... and it's been hard, but after a while I enjoyed looking after myself for a change instead of him and his needs (cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc!)
it will get better, you can turn it around and try to see the positive side of things, like your nice new condo and more time for yourself.
CheesecakeB, sorry to hear about your divorce as well. Yes, I have to admit that the constant cooking for that man was getting really old. And back in July 2011, I went on Nutrisystem; that's how I originally lost my 100 pounds. I remember I changed the way I cooked and he would complain constantly about it. Yeah, there was no more homemade gravy (pasta sauce as non Italians know it by no more of my baked ziti, no more of my homemade cheesecake. No more fattening foods. And I wasn't about to cook two different types of meals! It would have been way too tempting. I cooked clean and lean and he hated it. So that's when I started buying Trader Joe's meals that were easy for him to cook. But he HATED cooking, so he complained about that as well.
It's so ironic. Now he's with a new woman that doesn't even COOK! And that was a deal breaker back in the day if a woman didn't cook.
Mine was british and wanted bread/butter and meat and gravy at every meal... then I would make a totally different meal for myself that he would scoff at.
I feel your pain.... so ENJOY, like me, making your own decisions & food and new interests!
Okay...I'm now crying my eyes out after reading this thread...so afraid that I'm headed down a similar path. But, I'm trying to learn from others here and take care of myself now. Not for him, but for me and my confidence. Exercise does help me with the stress level too. (As long as I don't over do it).
It looks like you've already made some friends here who will support and cheer you on. Find a positive place and state of mind....don't let the negative thoughts enter....just push through one day at a time. I'll be cheering you on too!! Living well is the best revenge!
Okay...I'm now crying my eyes out after reading this thread...so afraid that I'm headed down a similar path. But, I'm trying to learn from others here and take care of myself now. Not for him, but for me and my confidence. Exercise does help me with the stress level too. (As long as I don't over do it).
It looks like you've already made some friends here who will support and cheer you on. Find a positive place and state of mind....don't let the negative thoughts enter....just push through one day at a time. I'll be cheering you on too!! Living well is the best revenge!
Thanks Minnie Great people here on this board, for sure!
Well, if you are heading down the same path, definitely don't do what I did. I abandoned my healthy eating program and stopped exercising. And wound up not caring about anything. And you are right, living well is the best revenge. I kick myself in the butt when I think about the wonderful progress I made 2 years ago....and I sabotaged everything good that I did for me. I allowed him to get the best of me.
I truly hope you can work things out cause divorce sucks. Sorry you cried reading my posts Just stay focused on you. I'll keep you in my prayers, for sure
It's been a REALLY rough road :(
no more of my baked ziti, no more of my homemade cheesecake. No more fattening foods. And I wasn't about to cook two different types of meals! It would have been way too tempting. I cooked clean and lean and he hated it. So that's when I started buying Trader Joe's meals that were easy for him to cook. But he HATED cooking, so he complained about that as well. 
