[GlamourGirl827]

So for anyone that doesn't know, my mother and her side of the family (which was often involved in fights and grudges with each other anyway) are no longer in my life. I have contact with my dad's side of the family.

He is struggling with something. Maybe narcissism, or some kind of social anxiety...not really sure. He was absent from my life for a while, he's "present" now as long as he doesn't have to do anything but call a few times a week. He has missed most of our kids bday parties over the years. He never celebrated mine with a party. (Mom did try for my 5th and 6th bday then stopped as she got worse mentally). I can give 1000 examples of how dad has made it clear he will never help me, especially with life and the kids, but I'll just give one. Had a gallbladder attack a few year back (it needs to come out) and was up all night in pain and vomiting (good times)...DH was at work and I called dad at about 7am (he gets up like 5am) and asked him to come sit with the kids so I can go to the hospital (I literally lived 5 minutes away at the time)...and he said no. Take the kids with you or stay home. This has been his attitude his whole life toward ME. He goes out of his way to help other people that can do something for him. (neighbors and friends of his that lend him stuff, help him fix his car that always breaks down etc).



So anyway the rest of his family (5 sisters, so I have 5 aunts) help their own kids (my cousins), and my cousins have each other that are brothers and sisters. Like most of my aunts have 3 or 4 kids, and those kids are siblings help each other. I have a brother that does not have contact with the family. And even if he did, he's like my dad anyway. All about him.

And DHs family lives out of state.

So we have no help. DH is gone at work a lot and all odd hours (hospital). I have 3 kids now and one on the way that wasn't planned. I'm terrified of having a newborn, a 20 month old, a 4 year old and my oldest is special needs and requires a lot of attention and behaves more like a toddler emotionally (though intellectually is very bright).

When we had our last baby, my dad only with my step mom present agreed to watch the kids on the following stipulations. That they not be dropped off until after 8am, that they be picked up before bed, or they could sleep on the floor (which let me say is filthy there). And the day had to be planned (induction) no surprises...He REFUSED to come here, so the kids could have toys and things to do and go outside the kids are not allowed outside at his house, he doesn't allow it (long story), and go to sleep in their own beds if need be. Oh I should mention, dad has one very small box of toys that I bought when my oldest son was born (7 years ago) so there would be toys there for him. Dad has never bought more toys for it. We had bought a booster seat and exersaucer for their house and he threw it out with asking if DH and I would like it back!! He said it took up too much space!!

So DH and I hired a baby sitter instead to come to the house...this time I am not going to be induced, so there's a good chance that I will be bringing the kids to the hospital. Which is not going to go over well.


So my point is, I read in these situations to find mom groups, churches etc and build a network that way, but I ALWAYS feel like a burden to everyone in our life (friends included) so I don't ever ask for help from friends. I cannot except help, it makes me feel so guilty that I've inconvenienced someone and I am clearly not worth anyone's time of effort to help me. I know this comes from my dad and over 30 years of being told that no one owes me any help, that having kids was my choice and no one should have to lift a finger to lighten my burden. I makes me physically ill (I actually get sick to my stomach knowing someone is helping us with anything) the idea of someone helping me. I feel like I am indebted to them and they will hate me if I don't find a way to pay them back.

I've tried mom's groups and such and I just cant bring myself to accept help anyway, even if its a back and forth (we help them they help us) I will never feel worth anyone's effort to do anything for me. I feel like my own family doesn't care, why would a stranger. I was taught that when someone offers help they don't really meant it (its just to be polite) and its rude to take them up on it. And its selfish to want help.

I'm not really sure what to do. Its like I'm drowning but I don't feel worth the life preserver. I'm not sure how to get over this or work through it.

Any suggestions?

[novangel]

My motto: Expect nothing from others and never feel disappointed.

At least you have a DH. Some families are great, others not so much. We got shafted in that department but it is what it is. I raised my son alone and it was h*ll sometimes. My Mom helped a little when he was a baby but she was sick and passed away. I chose to "marry and procreate with a loser" so that was my bed to lie in according to my Father. He said he did not feel the least bit sorry for me. Gee, thanks.

Exes family was totally worthless and I wouldn't trust them with a goldfish let alone my child.

I only had one child so I can somewhat relate, not fully though.

[twish]

Originally Posted by GlamourGirl827

I will never feel worth anyone's effort to do anything for me. I feel like my own family doesn't care, why would a stranger. I was taught that when someone offers help they don't really meant it (its just to be polite) and its rude to take them up on it. And its selfish to want help.

I'm not really sure what to do. Its like I'm drowning but I don't feel worth the life preserver. I'm not sure how to get over this or work through it.

Any suggestions?

I really related to this part of your post. I am not in your situation- I am single with dogs, not kids- but I have been very ill over the past few years. It took me getting to a point where I really had no choice but to accept help from friends. I still didn't feel worthy and probably overdid it with thank you's. My doctor kept reminding me of all of the things that I do for other people and asked me if I offered just to be polite. It's quite a shift in consciousness to realize that some (not all) people are sincere in their offers. But it certainly can hurt when family won't step-up to the plate.

You will get through this- we are survivors. Could you come up with a baby-step in terms of accepting help from someone who is offering it?

[PatLib]

Please, please accept help from your friends! They want to help, they really do or they wouldn't offer or would say no.

I think you just need to make yourself a new extended family now that you do not have contact with your birth family. DNA is just a bunch of letters in a sequence. Embrace the Mommy group and your friends and don't let the damage your family has done to you be long lasting.

I am always happy to baby sit for my friends! Even though I don't have kids and they can't "reciprocate" they are willing to listen to me complain about my dating woes and let me have a place during Thanksgiving dinner when I can't go home. That's what family is really about!

[Mountain Mamma]

I sympathize. We had zero help with our kids - mom died before they were born and both families lived out of state.

To heck with what your family told you; it's not true. People DO want to help. Accepting help can be a humbling experience but one I think everyone at some point in their lives will experience, whether it be illness, an accident, a disaster, whatever. And clearly, from your post, it would not be a one-sided deal because you believe in reciprocating

So, accept the help. And pay it forward.

[forkeeps2013]

I totally relate about not feeling worthy of help. I am a very helping, giving person myself so it doesn't make sense that I can give it but not take it, but that's just the way I am; I absolutely HATE asking others for help and will avoid it at all costs. It's something I've really struggled with in recent years, especially now that we have kids.

As for family, the only person we have here is my mom who is in her 80s. She watches the kids for us occasionally but she won't be able to do that much longer. Other than her, we have nobody, not even friends. My husband's family is about 4 hours away but they are practically strangers; our interactions with them consist of twice yearly visits (family reunion and Christmas) and consist of nothing but polite small talk. They don't even know us, really.

I am sorry you feel this way and I am sorry I don't really have any advice. Except to say, I can and do help others, and I know it feels good just to do something nice when someone needs it. Sometimes people just need to help others for reasons of their own, and you may never know those reasons. But respect them enough to trust they will say "No" if they can't or don't want to, and if they say "Yes", let them do it and then simply say "Thank you".

[yoyoma]

Although you may not feel worthy of help, realize that some people feel joy in helping others, and you are denying them that pleasure by not accepting their help. True friends feel their friendship is deepened when they can help out. I think you can tell if they are offering help "pro forma" or if they genuinely want to help you out. Similarly, people who join religious groups to help people really want to help people (why else would they join?). If your situation is a match, they should be happy to offer their services.

If that doesn't work, or maybe in addition, can you work out some sort of babysitting coop arrangement with other moms? There are support websites and kits out there that suggest rules you can use.

Good luck; I hope you can find and accept the support you need!