Yeah, I know I haven't been around in a while. While I didn't fall off the wagon, I didn't exactly stay on it either. I've had a lot going on in 2014 and I think I needed a mental break from dieting after being so careful the year before last and being vigilant throughout my pregnancy.
My little dude is 8 months old now. Time flies! My all time high weight was 360, and I've either slowly lost or maintained for ages throughout the past 10 years (with one relatively minor regain). I managed to get down to 215, my lowest weight ever as an adult, when I became pregnant in early 2013! So I was extra careful about eating well and exercising throughout most of the pregnancy and gained a healthy 25 pounds or so. Most of the baby weight came off in the first month if I remember right, and within another month or so I was under my pre-pregnancy weight. Not bad, right? All very exciting for me because I'd never been anywhere under 220 as an adult, so I felt all the more accomplished that I was able to this so soon after having the baby. I even managed to drop down to 204, my lowest weight ever. So close to finally getting under 200! Nothing was going to stop me, right?
But postpartum hit, quickly followed by a first-time diagnosis of a pretty severe case of general anxiety disorder, which has actually been a life-long issue for me (ironically, my anxieties made it impossible to seek proper treatment over the years). At my worst a while back, I wasn't able to drive anymore or even leave the house on my own. While I'd worked hard to get better after having some traumatic experiences, it still affected my daily living, to the extent of which I'm still coming to terms with. I've been getting treatment and therapy since February, and have mostly shifted my focus from weight loss to mental health, and of course, taking care of my new little one.
Not that I haven't been eating well, but I've been splurging. A lot. It found it extremely difficult to make myself care, constantly finding myself thinking things like, "Screw it! I know that ice cream is 800 calories but I don't care." And after logging my food religiously for the previous 2 years, I completely lost interest. Oh, I tried to start up again a few times, but I'd either shrug it off or forget by the time the day was over. And while I accomplished a few 5K's after finishing up the C25K program this spring, I lost the drive to run. I blamed the heat (I live in Vegas, and it's still in the triple digits well after sunset).
A few interesting things happened in the meantime. For almost as long as I can remember, I've been very particular about the texture of meat, disliking most of it to the point of gagging and/or crying at the mere thought of it. Especially anything fatty with a lot of bones or tendons. But upon going to a BBQ place with the hubby, I realized everything on his plate looked good to me! I sampled ribs, shredded pork, chicken still on the bone, and more of the like. I couldn't believe it! So I brought it up with my therapist, and after answering many questions I was told I also have OCD. Which explains why my lifelong issue with meat was quickly fading, and the obsessiveness I'd lost over the food logging once I'd had a certain amount of treatments (the meds have been changing a lot of my issues that I thought were personality quirks or even things that were simply "wrong" with me). It's a lot easier to clean now, of all things! It's alright to get my hands dirty and I don't feel constantly judged. It's been liberating.
Apparently the GAD and the OCD were constantly feeding off each other throughout my life. Although all the changes I've been going through recently are great, it's been a little scary. It's like more of my real personality is revealing itself now, no longer hidden or filtered by irrational fears and habits. So for the first time in my 38 years, I'm just figuring out who I really am! I'm comfortable and relaxed instead of always on edge, ready to cry over anything unexpected. It's improved my relationship with my husband. Casual conversation with strangers no longer sends me into a panic attack. And I don't feel so extremely, irrationally self-conscious about my looks as I used to. The smallest of things used to completely overwhelm me, often taking away my basic functionality. I've often described it as clinging to a buoy at sea with no land in site, unable to swim. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've waded out of the water onto solid ground. And I don't feel like I'm going to have an emotional breakdown over every little thing!
But in the past few months, I lost my will to do much of anything past the daily motions of taking care of the baby. My house has been such a mess, I'm always exhausted, and I completely stopped caring about what I eat. I was then diagnosed with depression, my meds dosage was changed, and in a few weeks I started feeling better again. So apparently part of that was the depression, and the other part is my OCD fading.
So here I am! I still have a lot to work through in therapy, but as all this implies, I'm doing much better, and I feel I'm ready to focus on weight loss again. One disadvantage I've had for several months is that I've no longer been going to my weight loss meetings. Not by choice, as the weekly group therapy I attend as part of my treatment is preempting it. I bought myself a new weekly planner from the Target dollar section, and as of today I've logged a whole week of my food. I think I've made a great start, and once it cools down somewhat I'm going to restart C25K.
And throughout all this, I think I've only gained 6 pounds since I seem to be around 210. I'm still happy about that! I'd like to see where I am in a couple of months, and really want to get out of the 200's once and for all by the time this year is done!
Anyway, I've missed you guys!
And I think an important part of my plan is revisiting this forum every single day, even if it's only to lurk.
Hope everyone's been doing well!
ETA: It seems my anxieties and OCD have greatly contributed to my life-long weight issues, making me all or nothing when it came to either bingeing or dieting. Now that my brain chemistry and mood is much more balanced, I'm hoping that I can relax and get the rest of this weight off without overanalyzing every single little thing I put into my mouth or stressing that maybe I took one too many bites of something. Time will tell!
Time for Another Reboot!
