Anyone experience issues with your significant other due to weight loss?
I have dropped about 40 lbs. of the 80-90 I need to lose. I am looking better and feeling better than I have in a long time. My spouse needs to lose weight too but he's just not in a place mentally to do so at this time. That's okay. He'll get there when he's ready and, if that never happens, I will love him the same as he's loved me through any size I've been.
The problem is that he is feeling insecure about that. We had a lady in our neighborhood drop 150 lbs. last year then totally go off the deep end, abandon her family and turn into some sort of party ho. I have no desire to do any of that but even though he's proud of me, he's starting to get a little weird and insecure (new for him, he's generally the secure one). It's not so bad that he's trying to undermine me (I don't think) but he misses the bubblier personality I had when sugar was part of my diet. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? What did you do to reassure the partner that you're still okay with them? Especially when you aren't totally okay (I want him to lose weight to save his life and even though I try not to bring it up or push, he probably senses that)?
This is a subject that I have been dealing with. Whether you and I would weird out and go crazy after losing lots of weight is really not what is behind spouse responses - I think they do not know how to deal with the changes we are going through. We are in our own bodies and trying to work through this mentally and physically. They are on the outside and not comfortable because they cannot share in the emotions going on in our heads.
Sabotage is always a possibility, however, because they want us back in the territory they can understand. The status quo of the relationship is a place they used to understand.
As far as their own health, it is a mystery. My husband has been gaining weight steadily and I am extremely worried about him. He watches me lose, he watches his daughter and son lose (60 and 75 pounds), yet he is not ready in his own mind.
We cannot do it for them. Just like when we were struggling and most overweight we were not always ready or able to pull it together to face the challenge despite being very aware of our size and health, they have to come to the point where they want to make a change. The switch has to go off for them.
All I did was to find a moment to sit quietly with him and tell him that I am worried about his health and that I want us to be able to retire happily together. I offered to him that I would support him in whatever program he might consider but that having made the point, I would not nag him and that I love him.
As I have lost pounds, I've noticed my husband has started getting more and more depressed and has started isolating himself from me in odd ways. Yet, he is super supportive at the same time. A good example is he calls me sexy and the world's most beautiful woman and he finds is always trying to find a way to touch my shoulder or leg. But cuddling has stopped. Random hugs have stopped. Random kisses have stopped.
I think part of it is a fear that he is going to lose me; a fear that suddenly I will think I can do better. I think part of it is he doesn't understand just WHAT I am going through mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think part of it is my confindence is leaps above what it once was and he isn't sure how to cope with that new persona. I think part of it is he is burnt out on listening to me talk about this food or that exercise or this new outfit or that new low weight that just flashed up on the scale.
He will adjust. As will I. This is new to the both of us. And we deal with it different ways. He is no longer able to communicate with me on the leave he once did because he isn't sure WHAT to talk about. It used to be what restaurant to go to, what to have for dessert, what TV show to watch, what ice cream parlor tastes the best, what game to play, and so on. Now, he is still in that thought process, but I have moved on to other things, like where should I run at today, what veggie would go best with my chicken, should I lift weights or do HIIT, is that fun size bar of candy going to throw me over my daily alloted calories, and on and on and on.
Eventually, this will no longer be new and exciting to me. Eventually, he will slowly get that I haven't changed, I just found a new passion. Eventually, we will find that common ground of things to talk about again. Until then, I'll be as supportive of him as he is to me...neither understand what the other is going through, and that is okay. Just as long as we talk about what we can, encourage each other whether we get it or not, and continue to love one another, things will be fine.
Remember, weight loss isn't just physical. It's emotional and mental too. and not to just those of us losing weight.
We have the same story... I've lost 45 of an 80 pound goal. Just this week my husband has gotten weird and insecure. He has decided to diet (Atkins) which is good, but I think he only did it because he thinks I'm going to leave him. (NOT HAPPENING). I watched a Dr Phil episode with him where the lady got skinny and cheated on her husband, I think that really freaked him out. He says "You are doing this without your family, we are completely left out." I honestly don't know what to do to include him (the kids are fine). I still cook for them, we still do out to dinner. I haven't forced any changes on anyone.
Looking back at our 20 year marriage, I realize how comfortable it has been for him to have me fat. He's not real social, and I was so unhappy that I was OK sitting at home with him. He loved me no matter what I looked like, and I was thankful for that (Bonus for him too, being the hero)
We'll get through this I imagine, but I won't stop doing what I want to do just because he is insecure. In fact, his insecurity is strengthening my resolve to lose weight. If I can't lose weight because of him, I will lose it to spite him. I hate to sound bitter, but this is the first time in my life I've done something for me... something that isn't about my family, and I just wish he could be OK with that.
My husband was extremely supportive and encouraging when I went on Atkins a few years ago. I was 242 when I started really dropping on Atkins. I had been 248 when we married. My husband never held my weight in importance, even though he was a lot smaller than me, I out weighed him by 100 lbs.
He didn't change his amount of affection, and always encouraged me telling me he had never known such willpower.
While he didn't seem directly affected by my losing weight I noticed his answers to me on certain things changed. I used to tell him my insecurities, when I was over weight, nervous when others stared at me, spoke to me, or speaking in front of others..a look at the grocery store from someone would send me leaving my cart in the aisle.
After losing almost 100 lbs I noticed his answers changing. Instead of telling me not to feel bad, or insecure, express his love etc. when I came to him like this, he began telling me "well they are probably staring at you cause your a good looking woman". He was trying to encourage me but those were his answers now.
Our intimate times haven't changed, we were always very affectionate, kissing, cuddling, spend lots of time together..but as I lost the weight my husband seemed to think that MY self esteem would go up while the scale went down. He had always put up with these little phobias, being embarrassed by my body, hiding myself etc..he seemed to think that now I would gain self confidence. He slowly started expected that the things I had been uncomfortable with while obese I would suddenly be ok with-showering together, not covering up, walking around unclothed, not embarrassed during sex.
My husband didn't expect me to be attracted to others, like I'd run around on him, I never would. I had seen that happen to several friends of mine who had lost weight or whos spouse had. In fact we talked about it during my weight loss journey and I assured him that wouldn't happen.
What my husband did tell me was that I should expect men to start looking at me in the way that my husband had always seen me, attractive, desirable. In some cases an over weight spouse is used to be overlooked by the outside world, when they lose that weight suddenly others begin looking at them and they can be tempted by all the attention and self esteem boost. Didn't happen to me, I was thankful to have my husband when I was obese and I am thankful to still have him.
All DH ever tell me now is that I am more confident, I'm not more beautiful, or desirable to him because i weigh less. He had always told me I was beautiful or desirable, but that now, I might just believe him more because I don't see myself and go YUCK. Wonder how he could be attracted to such an embarrassing and disgusting body. I never accepted or believed those compliments from him. Even when he asked me on our first date I thought is this guy crazy? Look at me. Maybe because I don't hate my body as much I am will to accept the way he loves it?
You have to remember that these people never gave you a second look before and saw thru the weight to the real you, and they wont look at the new thin you and see the person inside either.
You have to remember that these people never gave you a second look before and saw thru the weight to the real you, and they wont look at the new thin you and see the person inside either.
My husband lost 170 pounds with a Lap-Band three years ago. So while we started out our marriage comparably sized (and with comparable eating habits), before I started IP at the end of July I was twice his size. So I was the one with the issues and the problems with his weight loss prior to that. I'm happy to say that he's far more supportive of me than I was of him in the beginning of his weight loss journey and that things do seem to get better. But from my perspective I was always wondering...is he going to seek out a thinner person because he's lost weight...is he still interested in me...you know the questions that run through your mind. Patience, communication and understanding are necessary as you become the sized person you want to be.
I could have written some of these posts. My husband admits he is jealous of my success. He does not understand why I want to lose any additional weight. He keeps telling me I am perfect the way I am right now and I try to explain that I have never actually gotten to goal, and this time I am determined to. I am ready to be off of this roller coaster.
The other night he said he had a bad dream that I had a boyfriend. I laughed it off, but he kept talking about it. He said the next night he had another such dream and went on to tell me more about the dream. I have tried to reassure him that I am not looking for anyone else, and to please stop worrying about it.
He has recently gained weight and has numerous health problems I worry about. There was a time in the past when I weighed more than him, and now he beats me by over 100 pounds. I know what it is like to be not ready to do something about my weight so I definitely understand and have compassion, but I want him to get healthier so we can do things together. I also know that he can lose weight pretty easily and I wish he would try, because I need him.
This is a great thread...it is very insightful. I have to say I think I am on the other side of the coin on this. I am the insecure one. My DH and I are both doing IP or the alternative. In the past 7 weeks he has lost 41lbs and I have lost 32lbs. Which is great for both of us. We are supporting each other through this and no real jealousy with each other.
I grew up in a family of cheating men; so I am a bit biased. I am secretly stressed out about his cheating...in that what if a women comes on to him? He has pretty low self esteem and I have tried to boost that by reminding him how sexy he is even when he was 313. Truth be known women would hit on him then. He's very good looking and has that rugged biker look.
I did mention it to him once "I hope you don't get all hot and thin- then leave me." Just as I would answer and similar to all of you, he states "Never!"
We have been married for 14 years and have a very affectionate marriage...so I need to deal with my on insecurities and let it go. My mom always said, " have you seen any proof that what you're making up in your head is the truth? If not...LET IT GO!"
Thanks for the insight on the other side.
Last edited by BuffieLynn; 11-09-2013 at 12:45 AM.
When I lost 100 pounds and reached goal weight, my husband initially thought I was too skinny. He also thought some of my new clothes were for someone who was looking for a date! Now this was crazy as I am middle aged and have been married for many years. I will tell you that two years later, he is comfortable with the new me and does not feel threatened by my clothes.
Thanks for bringing this up - My boss gave me an article titled "when No-one likes the new you" about this very struggle between spouses and sometimes even friends when one person loses a lot of weight. I guess its quite common.
Thanks for the insight Maile, from you, a successful maintainer, it means a lot: sounds like this, like everything else just takes time. I'm glad it resolved w/your husband.
My husband is not supportive - never says anything encouraging or comments on how I look. I asked him once about it because I worry about how I dress now with clothes that fit instead of tents: he simply said if you looked bad I'd tell you. It is hard for me emotionally when everyone else has something positive to say except him. he did say when I was down about 100 lbs something to the effect of you know I never liked skinny girls. This really hurt my feelings but in many ways has kept me on track and like someone else said I will succeed almost in spite of him. I asked him about that comment last week now I am down 140 lbs or so. He said he never said it and what man doesn't like skinny girls....do I think he is a chubby chaser?? Quite insensitive - but that's how he is.
He has weight too lose and many health problems. I can't do it for him. I cook healthy food which he chooses not to eat. He has tried and gives up quickly - someday he'll do it or his health will continue to deteriorate. Its his choice and I'd happily help him but he's not ready: we all get that and have been there.
He makes little comments that he thinks are insignificant but do sting: He said just today he thinks I have OCD because of the way I eat.
I know he struggles with it and feels badly because he is not able to change and feels this has been effortless for me. Of course it was not effortless: but i'm not a complainer: I decided to do it and this time I actually did it.
Time will tell what happens here: hopefully it will work itself out. But maybe it won't and that's fine too. I won't let it kill me. I won't let myself fall apart or give myself an excuse to gain all this weight back. Losing wight has made me stronger in a lot of ways and maybe that's what the problem is.
Thanks for bringing this up - My boss gave me an article titled "when No-one likes the new you" about this very struggle between spouses and sometimes even friends when one person loses a lot of weight. I guess its quite common.
Thanks for the insight Maile, from you, a successful maintainer, it means a lot: sounds like this, like everything else just takes time. I'm glad it resolved w/your husband.
My husband is not supportive - never says anything encouraging or comments on how I look. I asked him once about it because I worry about how I dress now with clothes that fit instead of tents: he simply said if you looked bad I'd tell you. It is hard for me emotionally when everyone else has something positive to say except him. he did say when I was down about 100 lbs something to the effect of you know I never liked skinny girls. This really hurt my feelings but in many ways has kept me on track and like someone else said I will succeed almost in spite of him. I asked him about that comment last week now I am down 140 lbs or so. He said he never said it and what man doesn't like skinny girls....do I think he is a chubby chaser?? Quite insensitive - but that's how he is.
He has weight too lose and many health problems. I can't do it for him. I cook healthy food which he chooses not to eat. He has tried and gives up quickly - someday he'll do it or his health will continue to deteriorate. Its his choice and I'd happily help him but he's not ready: we all get that and have been there.
He makes little comments that he thinks are insignificant but do sting: He said just today he thinks I have OCD because of the way I eat.
I know he struggles with it and feels badly because he is not able to change and feels this has been effortless for me. Of course it was not effortless: but i'm not a complainer: I decided to do it and this time I actually did it.
Time will tell what happens here: hopefully it will work itself out. But maybe it won't and that's fine too. I won't let it kill me. I won't let myself fall apart or give myself an excuse to gain all this weight back. Losing wight has made me stronger in a lot of ways and maybe that's what the problem is.
wow, what a story. He actually sounds really mean and insensitive. It would be tough to live with someone like that but you're doing great in not letting him get to you. I've had many boyfriends in the past tell me about my weight, but the one I"m with now loves me for me. I know he does. He complimented me when I was heavier and compliments me now. Every woman should feel like that. Good luck to you. I hope your husband gets the help he needs to work on his weight, so the two of you could go about life full of confidence in each other's love.
My husband would like me to stop dieting now...I think he is just done with the diet. I have never been thin since we met but I have fluctuated like 60 pounds that he has never seemed to see. I love him but if he gained 60 pounds I would notice... Lol
This is sort of off-topic but I was with my boyfriend at my heaviest. We broke up after a year but then we ran into each other after I had lost 100+ pounds. He complimented me, but, then again, never made me feel like my weight was an issue when we were together.
I know that I'm going to eventually start dating again. For those that have, did you bring up your weight loss? I'm sure dinner will be involved and I'll have to vocalize what I need to eat (ie. meat and veggies.)
I don't want to look "high maintenance" but going to a pizzeria is not an option for me. (There are several pizzerias in my area that do not serve anything other than pizza...no salad, no grilled chicken, nothing.)
This is sort of off-topic but I was with my boyfriend at my heaviest. We broke up after a year but then we ran into each other after I had lost 100+ pounds. He complimented me, but, then again, never made me feel like my weight was an issue when we were together.
I know that I'm going to eventually start dating again. For those that have, did you bring up your weight loss? I'm sure dinner will be involved and I'll have to vocalize what I need to eat (ie. meat and veggies.)
I don't want to look "high maintenance" but going to a pizzeria is not an option for me. (There are several pizzerias in my area that do not serve anything other than pizza...no salad, no grilled chicken, nothing.)
Dating is already difficult enough!
I was on Atkins when I met DH. It was the time I lost 100 but never got to goal and didn't learn a maintenance strategy to keep it off...anyway, I digress...
So, yes, I dated on a "similar" plan. It would have had to come up if inappropriate restaurants were suggested but not if I knew I could eat there. I kept dates on a "need-to-know" basis and not everyone needed to know! You are right, the less I brought it up, the less high-maintenance/drama was brought into those early dates.
Anyone experience issues with your significant other due to weight loss?
