I feel so sick. I've been doing well, back to maintenance for several months after the last baby weight. Now I'm bloated and feel pukey all the time.
My sister is visiting. She is far more overweight than I ever was and is a fast food addict. She is from out of town (way, way, way out of town) and been on a food bender.
How do I let her live how she wants and say NO to these things? I actually feel nausous from all this food. I don't even eat a lot of it, but what I do it, my stomach churns. Like a donut last night (I had 1 small Godiva truffle earlier as my treat).
For example, she goes to McDonalds, Starbucks 3x a day seperately, a food court Indian (this was within 2 hours!!), and chips/OJ all night long. This is so hard. But it's her vacation.
So tough. You gotta lay down the law with YOURSELF and stay off that junk.
She has to make her own choices. I know how hard this is. My husband is still eating the way your sister is eating (maybe not quite as frantically, but ordering pizza, gobbling halloween candy, hitting drive-thrus, bags of snack chips, etc.), I went through 2 drive-thrus over the weekend with him (without ordering anything) and I'll admit that when the truck smelled like french fries for our whole drive home I wanted to SHOOT him then stab myself in the heart.
You gotta gut out the first few NOs, then you'll get on a roll of saying no and it will get a little easier (hopefully? maybe? sometimes?). But the first few NOs are gonna be tough.
You can do it. You don't achieve the kind of success you have without the skills to get through this tough time.
Thanks you are so right.... just have to get out that willpower. Make better choices. In the end, food is food and there's no reason I can't have grilled chicken instead of a creamy pasta. I actually feel ILL which is part of the problem, I don't think I've truly gained, it's just the ill part. Plus not working out (I really don't feel like it, since we spend all day walking downtown while I'm hauling a 25lb baby on my back in a sling).
She is very unhappy with her weight but is not ready to make a decision to change yet. I've been there, I know how hard it is, I'll be there if & when she's ready. It's vacation binging too, on top of general issues. She's here until Thursday, I can survive 4 days!! I'm just so happy to see her
What stands out to me is how much your sister eats out. Even when I'm not feeling manic and binging I hide my binges and it always surprises me when other people don't go to the great lengths I do to keep it secret and get rid of evidence. Perhaps your sister feels a certain amount of safety around you to go completely out of control with her eating.... which would make you an enabler. Just hear me out for a second, is it easy for you to sit by and watch your sister eat all that crappy food meal after meal? Maybe it's an opportunity to confront her, I know you say she isn't ready but this public binging may be a cry for help. How can you not intervene?
Even if you don't want to confront her directly about HER problem maybe it's time that you said "I really can't eat another unhealthy meal, my body is screaming for a salad right now and I don't even want to LOOK at a french fry, please please please can we skip the drive thru?" Or maybe you can cook her a nice healthy meal instead? Offer her some fresh fruit? And after all, it is your house and you are fully entitled to ban chips, soda and other junk from it. Think of it like smoking, someone is fully entitled to their right to smoke but they most certainly are not allowed to do it in my home.
As for going out for meals with her, well we're all in that same boat aren't we? No excuses there, just make better choices at real restaurants. But avoid fast food, there are no good options there.
When it comes to going to places like Starbucks and fast food I often motivate myself with sociopolitical reasons for not going. Like I'll say to myself "I do NOT need to pay $6 for a tall glass of sugar, I'd rather support the corner deli who charges me a buck and needs to feed his family rather than mega corp" or "People who work at McDonalds can barely afford to feed their own families, yet McDonalds makes hundreds of millions of dollars per day, no way I'm giving my money to them for a bunch of mystery meat." Know what I mean?
Last edited by Palestrina; 11-04-2013 at 08:15 AM.
I see what you mean and you might be right, I guess i'm just not sure how to approach it. She's about 250lbs, she's aware of her size and my family (all rail thin) tend to give her a lot of flack for her fast food so I'm not sure how to approach it? She's 20 and I'm 10 years older than her, I think most things I say to her she tends to perceive as a lecture.
I guess I don't want her to feel I am judging her, she tends to be quite sensitive about this (moreso than average). I am taking her for her birthday lunch today to an Italian place, maybe I will recommend 'better' items and say that they are great and I've had them before...
Oh no, that's really sad. I don't think there is an easy or gentle way to approach someone who is so blatantly hurting themselves. She's so young and has so much life ahead of her, and she's setting herself up for so many health problems. Even if she doesn't want to hear it, it's worth saying. Even if she perceives it as a lecture, I'd rather say it. I had to do that with my Dad about his smoking and his bad eating habits, I mean who really needs to put 4 tablespoons of butter on their toast? After gentle coaxing and moaning I finally had to yell and scream and cry and tell him he disgusted me. It just came down to that, that every time he stuffed as much food in his mouth as possible (why do you need to eat a hot dog in 2 large bites? are you in a contest or something??) I would go beserk I just couldn't take it any longer. He still eats unbearably fast and too much sometimes I can see that he's starting to make better choices and he's quit smoking. But it took so many years of me pleading and harping on him until I finally exploded and accused him of not loving me because if he really loved me he wouldn't want me to have to take care of a sick father dying of lung cancer and type II diabetes. Everytime I saw him butter his toast I would curl up in disgust or I would just start crying right then and there. It got pretty bad but I really felt so afraid for him that I couldn't contain myself.
Your sister is young, she's probably not feeling the physical ailments yet but she's probably dealing with the insecurities associated with obesity such as not fitting into the clothes you want, the dating scene, having skinny friends, not fitting in etc. It sounds like she needs to be educated, to get some shock in her system or something. I'd watch movies like Food Inc, which show you exactly what goes into McDonlds food, movies like Fast food Nation and other stuff. I found the Skinny on Obesity on youtube to be extremely helpful to me! Maybe somebody needs to say "No dear sister, it's not normal to eat fast food 3x a day... and where is the rest of my Halloween candy by the way?" And of course, of course of course you know that you need to thow out that halloween candy right?? Even if you dont confront her about the candy I would throw it out and replace it with apples... she'll get the hint.
Am I sounding harsh? I probably am, I mean the girl is on vacay and she wants to relax with her sister and I totally get that. I just wish sometimes I had somebody grab me by the shoulders and knock some sense into me. I've often thought to myself, how does my husband let me get away with this? doesn't he notice the extra pounds? Why doesn't my mother confront me? The truth hurts but denial is no pic nic either and at the end of the day when you love somebody you want to help them.
Last edited by Palestrina; 11-04-2013 at 08:39 AM.
Personally, I would not confront her while she's on vacation and it's her birthday and she is clearly in the middle of a huge struggle.
I would lead by example, I'm sure she's incredibly aware of every single bite you take (and just as aware of every single bite she takes). If SHE brings it up then share your journey/difficulties/advice/the benefits, etc.
Thanks guys I see what you both mean. She actually lives 5000km from me so maybe I could be more involved if I was nearby, it's just hard when she is so far away, we see each other once a year.
I was going to say what Mrs. Snark said -- lead by example. Order healthfully. Suggest a restaurant with some better options for you. Get a cup of tea at Starbucks. If she drags you to 5 unhealthy places a day, have a treat at one of them.
Also -- by eating junk with her, you are supporting the illusion that somehow she, too, can be thin while eating junk. She won't see how you will go back to plan once she leaves.
Only you know whether or not to discuss it with her. But it sounds like she's in a bad place and needs help.
(as an aside, how does a 20-year-old afford Starbucks 3x a day?)
That's a tough situation to be in. I don't know that an intervention is necessary or would even be helpful. I don't believe it is possible that your sister doesn't know she's obese and has a problem. Being more than twice the size of the media's portrayal of your demographic isn't something most 20 year olds can just ignore.
Take her to Chez Cora - they have awesome fruit options!
You said that she gets comments all of the time from other family members about her fast food, she is 20. I have kids that age. She may be on a binge right now, because everyone else is always saying something and she is proving that she can "do what she wants" (insert snarky defiant 20 year old voice here).
I would not "confront" her about it. But like others have said, I would find a tactful and gentle way to change direction when she is headed for the Food Court or Drive Thru. Just open the line of communication with her. She does not want to hear it. No 20 year old on the planet wants to hear about how they "should" be living or choices that other people think they should make. Afterall, all of us over 20's have never been 20. We all just magically popped onto this earth at 30+, so we cannot POSSIBLY understand what they are thinking and feeling.
She will get there, or she won't. But either way, she has to come to that conclusion on her own, in her own time. Just like you did. You cannot control what she is eating, or how much. you can only control yourself and your choices. Make better choices for yourself, and perhaps it will be a monkey see monkey do kind of thing.
Well you can set an example for her. Show her its possible and how great it feels. I had to disengage weight loss from my wife. She has less to lose then me say 50-60 lbs to my 85 or so.
But I was ready. One day I was ready. And it had to be me. People are not ready at the same time.
The best thing you can ever do is keep going and espeically at fast food, just say no. It will be so good for her to hear and see that yes it can be resisted and you are not going to eat no matter how many times she will.
And it ISN'T about her. It is totally completely about you. YOU are choosing not to eat it. Not everything is always about another person a great lesson for her to learn as well.
You are you, she is she this is your journey. But you can be a great example.
I've learned that it's not generally worth dealing with someone else's food choices, just my own. My family can be much the same way, and I know they derive much pleasure and leisure from food and food vacations. So I just get something appropriate for me, or worst case scenario I grab a diet coke or iced tea, and ignore the rest with the smile. If they ask me, I may explain that I can't eat that much without feeling sluggish or that I'm satisfied and don't need more food, but it really depends on who I'm with. Sometimes I just tell them to enjoy themselves, and I do so, myself, in my own way
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 11-04-2013 at 01:22 PM.
Oh, and I was morbidly obese at 20, and losing weight by 22. Sometimes people just aren't ready for such a big change when we want them to be. Obviously you know how my story has gone - I'm still at it and very successful. But I was NOT in the right headspace, even as a married woman with a baby on the way at 20, to work on weight. And all the prompting of my family didn't help, not because I was a know-it-all or overly prideful, but just because I wasn't in the place where I understood a real path forard for enacting those steps of change, and keeping at it. It's got to come internally in the end, and it sounds like she's not at that point. So I'd provide information if she asks but stay serenely silent otherwise. One day she may be ready, and as her sister you will still be there, willing and able to help.
My sister is visiting and I'm eating garbage
She ate almost half of my son's Halloween candy, I've been finding wrappers everywhere from food.
