What to do if your weight affects your relationship?!
Hello everyone! I'm new here, for myself mainly, but because of other things too.
I was 27 when I found my first (and still only) boyfriend. Yes, 27! We have been together for over a year, and he has always said that he finds me attractive. However, he told me recently that he wouldn't marry me unless I lose weight and become healthier. I have no health problems now, and I understand that being overweight can lead to many health problems. I weigh 250 now and would like to lose 75 lbs., but losing weight and keeping it off isn't something I have been able to do before.
I don't know what to do. When I was more secure with myself, I would have told a girl in my situation to find someone else, but I can't for certain tell myself that now. He's the first guy that ever paid me any attention and liked me for me. He tells me all the time that he loves me more than anything, and we plan out future together, but there's this ultimatum hanging over my head that makes me wonder if I'm wasting my time if I fail another time at trying to lose weight!
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
I will be up to you to decide. In one way what he's asking is understandable, on the other hand it's not fair to date you for over a year and ask for you to now change something this profound especially if you are not ready for the change.
I would never marry a smoker (allergic to the point of asthma) but by the same token I'd never date one either because it's a deal breaker for me. It would be unfair of me to date someone for a year then spring the quit smoking ultimatum. What he's telling you is your weight is a deal breaker for him, quite late in the game I might add.
I met and married a lovely handsome man that hasn't said boo about my weight through the years. If you are hanging on because you think there won't be another man to love you, that might not be the best reason in the world knowing that he won't marry you unless. Still, it's your call.
Last edited by vintagecat; 09-18-2013 at 11:54 PM.
I know I have to lose weight for myself. I tried to lose for someone else before and that was a disaster! It isn't like he didn't know what he was getting into when we met, I've hovered around the same weight over the year. I need and want to lose the weight, so hopefully both of our goals/wishes will coincide with each other. I guess time will tell.
I think I'd feel very uncomfortable about marrying someone who said something like that to me. For one thing, it would make me feel pretty crappy and I wouldn't want to be with a guy who'd make me feel that way. But also, I'd want a guy that understands that people have all sorts of baggage and issues and its all part of one package and they can't pick and choose ones to accept and ones not to accept. What if, after you're married for ten years and have a couple of kids, he springs some new huge thing on you that he doesn't like about you and you have to change? It just doesn't seem right to me.
I will be up to you to decide. In one way what he's asking is understandable, on the other hand it's not fair to date you for over a year and ask for you to now change something this profound especially if you are not ready for the change.
I would never marry a smoker but by the same token I'd never date one either because it's a deal breaker for me. It would be unfair of me to date someone for a year then spring the quit smoking ultimatum. What he's telling you is your weight is a deal breaker for him, quite late in the game I might add.
I met and married a lovely handsome man that hasn't said boo about my weight through the years. If you are hanging on because you think there won't be another man to love you, that might not be the best reason in the world knowing that he won't marry you unless. Still, it's your call.
I agree with this. It's completely understandable to want a healthy partner, but at the same time, it seems unfair to ask you NOW. If he was unsure about dating someone your size, he should have brought this up a long time ago IMO. Maybe he thinks this will motivate you? It sounds like he does love you for you, however it's really low to use weight as an ultimatum for marriage. He may not understand how this is coming across. I would talk to him about it before making any decisions. It's ultimately up to you to decide if you can handle the ultimatum. My only question is, say you do lose the weight and get married. What's the next ultimatum going to be?
I also wanted to add, you CAN find other guys!!! You are an amazing person that deserves to be with someone who appreciates you, and you CAN find this. I'm not saying to dump your boyfriend immediately, just please don't stay with him b/c you think you can't find someone else. I know from experience that this isn't true.
He's the first guy that ever paid me any attention and liked me for me. He tells me all the time that he loves me more than anything, and we plan out future together, but there's this ultimatum hanging over my head that makes me wonder if I'm wasting my time if I fail another time at trying to lose weight!
Really? He said that to you and you can still say he likes you for YOU? Sounds like he likes you for you as long as you're something you're (currently) not.
If he loves you more than anything, the number on the scale wouldn't matter.
You seem to already know that this is wrong and that you should walk. You even say that back when you were more confident you would have. Trust that instinct.
Sometimes being alone can be better than having someone control you or make ultimatums every time they want you to conform. Do what you feel is right in your heart, even if it means waiting that little bit longer for the right guy to come along and he will come along, just believe in yourself and be comforted by the things that are lovable about you.
Sometimes being alone can be better than having someone control you or make ultimatums every time they want you to conform. Do what you feel is right in your heart, even if it means waiting that little bit longer for the right guy to come along and he will come along, just believe in yourself and be comforted by the things that are lovable about you.
exactly you know you can do sooo more without someone? trust me i know when i wasnt with my husband for 1 year cause of personal family probs i losted 50 pounds yeah 50 cause i was active not really thinking about anything but my health and job i was motivated! and then moving in with him these passed 4 months i gained 60 pounds!!!! crazy huh?.. trust me your better off doing things on your own.. coming from experience...
and another thing i forgot to mention was. you deserve way better!! not someone who calls you fat and **** I`m sorry but if it was me I would move on.. but sometimes men just say that soo you get more healthy, you know cause they care my husband has told me a few times, but he said he was in it with me even though hes a ****ing personal trainer lol but still hes there with me and going threw every step with me.. talk to your boyfriend see if wants to go to gym with you! men love the gym thats basically the man cave I`m sure he wont say no!
Yeah, honestly, I'd dump him. You can do better. I can understand weight gain affecting relationships (as well as in some cases weight loss) but if someone met you at your current weight, then I'd hope they'd accept you for who you are now. Weight loss, weight gain and weight maintenance are tricky things and as time goes on, our weight fluctuates.
So my advice as someone who met my husband at 30 and over 300 lbs, dump him.
Marriages are based on conditions all the time. Mine is conditional on fidelity, kindness, support, etc. I can control these things, and am confident about that. If I were confident that I could control my weight, and my marriage was conditional on that, I guess it would be okay.
BUT, my marriage isn't conditional on that. If it was, I think I would always be looking over my shoulder, concerned about extra weight creeping back on. That's not how I choose to live. I don't think I would marry someone who put me in the position of feeling that ongoing stress.
Being kind, loving, and monogamous doesn't place stress on me. For some people, keeping their weight down doesn't place stress on them. I'm not one of those people.
It sounds like you love each other. Maybe you both need to explore this a little more.
ETA: I've been married for 22 years and have never wavered on ability to maintain fidelity, kindness, and love. I can't tell you how many times my weight has yo-yo'd.
Last edited by newleaf123; 09-19-2013 at 07:54 AM.
It's a complicated issue. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that your size doesn't matter to him in terms of attraction. He was obviously attracted to you and still is. I'm assuming that if he's contemplating a future with you (which is great) he's also contemplating the consequences of your weight in your shared future. Obesity affects a lot of things, our ability to maintain our health, our ability to participate in physical activities and it even affects fertility. So while he may initially been drawn to you without prejudice the more he contemplates what he wants in the future (children, an active and healthy lifestyle etc) he may see those things as been affected by your weight. I don't think that makes him a bad guy. If he's your age I wouldn't expect him to have figured those things out until he was ready to settle down and it sounds like he is ready to move forward.
Oh your side of things, I think it's never a good idea to lose weight FOR someone else, and I would hate that kind of pressure to lose weight, stay skinny etc. I wouldn't do it, this sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Especially since you're still young and there are other opportunities to meet men and if this is your first relationship then you can stand to gain a little more experience. Just be careful that he's not making this demand as a way to distance himself from you.
A few years ago, here or on a similar site, I read a very similar thread. The OP in that thread got much the same advice, only with a louder chorus of "dump hims."
Only later in the thread, did the background information come out. The OP had a heart-to-heart with the fiance and he admitted that he was trying to help (which she had been complaining that he never did). She'd also been stating that she wouldn't marry him until she lost the weight. He thought echoing her statements would speed along the process because he was actually anxious to marry her, and was starting to think she was dragging her feet for the weight loss because she didn't want to marry him.
I'm not saying this is true in this case, but the only way to find out is to talk - maybe starting with the question, "why is this so important to you?" because his thought process could change the dynamics of the decision op has to make.
Personally, I don't feel I know enough about OP, her boyfriend or their relationship to give anything resembling good advice except for OP to find out more and to communicate openly herself about how the ultimatum felt.
You guys are awesome! It is so important for us to realize our own self-worth, and to find an equal partner that wants to be with us for who we are.
I can understand where he's coming from. My Mom has joint issues and heart disease runs in my family. He's never shown an issue with my body, physically. He says he has my best interests, and maybe I should just believe it. Trust is everything in a relationship anyways. We both need to lose weight, granted me much more than him, and he's ex military/LE so he knows how. Hopefully I can be less sensitive about it seeming like an ultimatum and move forward with losing weight for myself to be healthier for the both of us.
What to do if your weight affects your relationship?!
