So last night I got into a big argument with my boyfriend.
I was using his iPod touch and I thought I'd look at his pictures. He looks at The Chive a lot, which if you don't know already is a site for men primarily and they often have hot women picture threads. They also feature funny/cute pictures too so it's not like a porn site. Anyways. So he uses The Chive app which allows you to save pictures you like to your iPod so you can look at them again.
While I'm looking at his pictures, there's a lot of cool pictures, but then I start coming across the occasional picture of women. These women aren't famous, they're usually random girls who submit their pictures to the site to be featured in one of their hot girl picture threads. Now, all these women are beautiful and of course THIN.
At first I wasn't that bugged...but when it started to sink in I felt so paranoid about my own body and my own image in comparison to these women that he looked at and felt the need to save the pictures of. At first I said "So, WHY do you save these pictures?" and he said he didn't know the reason other than they were "aesthetically nice". Some of them were classy pictures obviously taken by a professional, but I couldn't match up that reasoning with others that were clearly just a girl with an iPhone taking a selfie.
So we ended up having a pretty heated argument about the pictures. I was saying that they don't make me feel special, that they make me feel really self conscious. He was adamant that he does not compare me to those women, that he thinks I'm gorgeous and it's not like he looks at them and says "oh I wish my girlfriend looked like her." To which I said "well, why feel the need to save them, you obviously want to look at them again."
He got a bit pissed because he felt like I was trying to control him and what he could do, which is not the case. Ultimately I said that you can do what you want; you can watch porn, you can check out someone in the street, you can appreciate an image on the internet. BUT if you start SAVING those pictures then it gives me the impression you want to be checking out that same woman again which doesn't make me feel comfortable.
He said he would delete the pictures and not save any more because of how it affected me, which is nice and all but I couldn't help but feel deeply affected by the fact that I am no where near as pretty/in shape as the women he's attracted to on a shallow level. I know my boyfriend loves me and I know he finds me attractive, but still I can't help but think "well I'm still not his IDEAL type." I know it's not my job to be his ideal type, but still it just left a bad taste in my mouth and made me feel like a bit of a hippo in comparison to the slender ladies he goes for. I'd be the first person to say "don't compare yourself to other women" but when these are women that my boyfriend clearly wants to look at over again then I start to feel paranoid.
So I figured I would make a thread to see what you girls think about your partners who REALLY look at other women who are thin and gorgeous. Does/would it hurt you? Are you ok with it? I was interested to see what everyone's opinion is.
Last edited by Riestrella; 07-21-2013 at 10:11 AM.
It's complicated. It's soooo complicated. Sometimes I think the best you can do is say something like, "look, I know you're not going to understand this and I don't even know how to explain it to you, but you saving pictures of other girls makes me feel TERRIBLE and I'd feel a lot better if you didn't do it - or at least hid them somewhere I never had to know about it."
First, let me say I'm sorry this even happened. It was obviously very upsetting and concerning for you, and I can understand why.
Its so hard to say what is and is not "ok" in a relationship and I think most of it comes down to what the couple are comfortable with, and what makes each party feel less than loved or attractive.
I can give you my personal opinion, but that's based on my relationship with my husband. Perhaps if I was married to a different guy I would feel differently.
My husband and I met when I was 19 and he was 17! And when he turned 18 he moved in with me. I lived in an attic apartment. The first couple years I was very insecure. I'm not saying you are as I agree that your specific situation would concern me too. But I always felt that anytime a girl was thinner than me, that he was wishing he was with them.
Now, we have been together almost 13 years and married almost 7. My husband has never been the disrespectful kind of guy to oogle or comment on other girls. But he IS a man, so I assume he still looks from time to time. After a few years together, knowing that my husband (bf at the time) did actually find me attractive, I became very secure with him. He and I actually went to strip clubs (my idea since he had never gone) and I had no issue with him looking at sexy pics or whatever online. But at the same time, he was never the kind of guy to hang swimsuit caledar, or buy issues of playboy or point out what he found attractive on other women. He was very good about knowing appropriate boundaries. I'm not sure how, but he just always seemed to know what would have crossed the line.
But like you said, your particular situation is different.
Had I found my husband was saving pictures of those selfie photos you were talking about, I would be uneasy by that. Even if he had a photographer pic of a girl on his phone, that wouldn't bother me, although I'd be concern onky because that's something he'd never do. So that would make me think something had changed in our relationship. But the more amateur pics would upset me. I would see those as more of the kind of pics a girl might send him if he knew her, or were cheating. I think that might be the appeal of those types of pics as well, that they feel more "real" like the girl is more attainable, like someone he knows. The kind of professional photos of models, in my opinion, they appear out of reach. Maybe thats why those pics wouldnt bother me as much.
I agree with how you felt. I also think that you handled it well. Even though you said it ended up in a pretty big fight, I think for the purpose of this post, you articulated very well why it bothered you.
I agree that finding those types of picture would lead even a secure woman to question her own appeal to her boyfriend/spouse. I know I would.
If I were you I would see how this situation unfolds and his actions. As of now he said he would stop saving pics, but he was also mad and felt you were trying to control him. That would concern me. People make mistakes, especially young men when it comes to their judgement regarding sexual stuff. (I'm not condoning cheating, I'm just saying that guys sometimes fail to think when it comes to looking at a pretty girl) However, he did see your hurt as trying to control him. *That* would make me wonder if he feels that his actions were no big deal, BUT is changing them (by not saving pics) to appease you. If he does not personally feel that his actions were an issue, or doesnt understand why they would have been hurtful (even if he acknowledges they were) that would lead me to think he might just be a little more careful not to get caught next time. I wasn't there, so I can't say if he was truly motivate by not wanting to hurt you or by just getting you to leave him alone about it. If its the first, then good, the latter, I'd be worried.
I wish I could give you more advice, but its really about what you think and what you are comfortable with. If the feelings that came from those pics are still pretty strong in the near future, maybe you should consider talking to him about it. I would then put a lot fo weight on his reaction to that talk rather than his original actions of saving the pics. If he really seems sorry and just did a really bonehead thing, that would be a good sign that he really isn't comparing you to them, and really was just doing a stupid thing without thinking. On the other hand if he is defensive and annoyed, and acts like you shouldn't care, I would take that as a sign that he dosnt see the problem with what he did even after it being pointed out. And it shows that he is more annoyed with not being able to save pics than how it affected you.
Hopefully it was just a stupid mistake he made and now he gets why it was a bad choice. You really have to gauge whether or not this is a small issue or the sign that you two dont see eye to eye when it comes to those types of issues in your relationship.
I'm not my husband's ideal type physically. He's not mine, either.
His celeb crush is Drew Barrymore. I will never look like Drew Barrymore.
He's never going to look like any of my celeb crushes either.
I "look" more often than he does (or he's better at hiding it), and my sex drive is much higher, as a result, my perspective would probably be considered more stereotypically male.
Personally, I probably wouldn't have been bothered unless these were pictures of women he knows personally or women he was chatting with online.
If I were bothered, and we fought over it, hubby and I both would probably become defensive and angry DURING the argument (it's hard to argue without defensiveness and anger creeping in), but I am also confident that hubby would delete the pictures just because I asked him to.
Would he resent it, and think I was overreacting and trying to control him? Maybe at first, buy probably not for very long, and I wish I could say the same if the roles were reversed. Hubby and I both have very laid back attitudes and we're both quick to forgive. I however, have the VERY bad habit of dredging up the past during a heated argument, and even if I don't bring up the past in the argument, I'm rehashing it in my head.
Everyone is different, and there are very few absolutes. So while I sympathize with you (and your boyfriend), I can't give any specific advice except communicate and negotiate, whether or not you understand the other's perspective.
I'm so sorry! I too would feel that saving the pictures is really crossing the line and I think I would react exactly the same way if my boyfriend did that. I'm sure he wont' hold it against you and will mellow out about it in the logn run, but what concerns me the most is your feelings. Do you think that you'll be feeling more insecure and comparing yourself to other women more and feeling paranoid because of this? Because that's exactly what I would do. I know I would start obsessively looking up pictures of girls I thought he'd like and compare myself to them and that it would take my a long time to feel confident again.
My boyfriend does pretty well at not looking at women when we're out together, but he'll look online and make comments sometimes but it doesn't bother me that much. But one time he did let slip that his ideal woman would be of asian decent. As you can tell from my avatar I am blond, blue eyes, and as far from that as possible. It took me months to get over it. Now I'm confident enough to realize he really does find me attractive and it doesn't bother me anymore.
Good luck with working this out and I hope you feel better!
I'm sure I can't offer any comfort that hasn't already been alluded to above by these other sage women, but know that you're not alone. My man dated a rail of an Asian girl before me, and the couple of times I've seen him watch Asian porn, I had minor flip outs. I'm very white, very blonde and have a physique more like the train on the rails.
Over the years as I've gotten more secure in myself I've gotten less concerned with him looking at other women. He's pretty discreet, and doesn't comment on other real women. But he will make "omg boobs" type comments in movies or comment on actresses. At which point, I look at him and jokingly say, "Why? Why do you do it?" with a half head shake, and he finishes the joke with a little self-deprecating and laughingly apologetic, "I really don't know......." In moments where I am genuinely upset with feeling like he's not physically into me as much as he would be with, say, Amy Adams, I remind myself that if we lived in the land of fairy tales, he would be a cross between Taylor Lautner, Dwayne Johnson and Brad Pitt. But I'm still attracted to him as he is.
If he finds the girl in short jean shorts and a bikini top walking past us on the street desirable, I remind myself that the dude who sits behind me at work has a jawline that won't quit and a smile that knocks my socks off. Despite the attraction, it doesnt change my love and attraction for my man. Just like seeing slutty mcboob balls in her bikini top doesnt change his feelings for me! We're all human, and we all see people whose physical appearance we appreciate... We just have to work hard to push down the insecurity-based jealous rages.
In terms of him saving photos... Well. Men jerk off to photos. He's not pining for the slutty chick in the selfie, he's just getting his jollies on to a pair of boobs, the magical miraculous things that men are inexplicably attracted to, no matter whom they're attached to.
I may be the only person to suggest this as a solution... But your man's clearly visual, and is going to look at pics. Now, presumably you're in the same boat as me and are not at all comfortable with your bod. HOWEVER, regardless, for Valentines day this year I bought a couple of corsets I could squeeze my stomach into, took a TON of timed selfies, sifted through a million pics where I looked teeerrible, and pulled out the few where I felt I looked pretty sexy (for every twelve awful ones, there was one good one). I'm also a graphic designer by profession, and as a result have touched up more than one boudoir shoot. Touched up acne spots on arms and back, fixed uneven skin tones... And in one or two places, hid my belly when necessary. Sure, they weren't EXACT representations of me, but neither are half the pics on the internet. Besides, I looked hot as ****, and felt good that my man then had those saved to his phone and could enjoy MY pics.
You might hate the whole idea... but if you dont...
I can't be certain you'd be comfortable with this, but if you want a super non-judgmental chica who touches up lady photo shoots all the time... I'm happy to pitch in for free. I love helping make girlies feel ther best! Just PM me.
Otherwise, try to remember that all men are disgusting beings (ha) and are biologically drawn to boobs of all shapes and sizes. And just because he's attracted to some that might not look like yours doesn't mean he isn't just as attracted to yours. He loves yours even more cause he loves you!
My boyfriend had a collection of about 300 pictures of naked women saved on his computer and set them as his screensaver so that the pictures would change every 3 seconds.
How much it bothered me depended on the particular girl. The more she resembled me, the less it bothered me. In fact, it made me feel MORE secure. However, if a girl came up who just looked nothing like me, it would make me feel very insecure. It would make me wonder which girl he liked better: the one who looked like me, or this girl who I will never, ever even resemble? It made me wonder if a girl who looked like the second girl decided she wanted him, would he leave me for her? Is he resentful of me because I don't look like that, and is that the underlying reason why we fight?
Overall, I hated the pictures. Whenever I would tell him it bothered me, it would cause a fight. He would say he likes all different kinds of women, and the fact that he likes these ones doesn't mean he finds me any less attractive. But it would still bother me. I always felt like I wasn't enough.
I think men are always going to be checking out other women. It's just a fact of life. They're wired that way. But to rub your girlfriend's face in it, when you know it bothers her, is crossing the line.
I may be the only person to suggest this as a solution... But your man's clearly visual, and is going to look at pics. Now, presumably you're in the same boat as me and are not at all comfortable with your bod. HOWEVER, regardless, for Valentines day this year I bought a couple of corsets I could squeeze my stomach into, took a TON of timed selfies, sifted through a million pics where I looked teeerrible, and pulled out the few where I felt I looked pretty sexy (for every twelve awful ones, there was one good one). I'm also a graphic designer by profession, and as a result have touched up more than one boudoir shoot. Touched up acne spots on arms and back, fixed uneven skin tones... And in one or two places, hid my belly when necessary. Sure, they weren't EXACT representations of me, but neither are half the pics on the internet. Besides, I looked hot as ****, and felt good that my man then had those saved to his phone and could enjoy MY pics.
This is a great idea! I have only done this once, barely, when I was close to goal, the only time when I felt comfortable to do this, even after 13 years with my husband. But about a week ago I was in our hot tub (this house has one in the bedroom ) I was wearing a small bra, and it was only small because the girls are bigger being prego, and undies. (because none of my bathsuits fit at this point ...lol)
I was alone, DH was outside with the kids. I realized I had no bare belly pics with this baby, so I took a few pics with the jets on so everything beneath the water which was under my belly and legs was not visable. I DID NOT, repeat DID NOT take them for a sexual purpose, and was embarrassed by my size, though like Jelbb said, I deleted the terriblely unflattering ones and keep ones where there was no rolls! lol but my belly was still huge and stretch marks up to my bra top. Anyway I finally got up the courage to show DH and he was like "oh wow!" like he was looking at them in *that* way! I was like "seriously, I'm fat and pregnant!!" He asked where I got the bra from because he really liked how I looked in it (it was one I dont wear often, I've hoarded like 50 bras over the years) and hubby was like "are you kidding? You pregnant with *my* baby, of course you look good!"...yup stretch marks and all
My point is we many look at ourselves and see unattractive, but that's not what our men are seeing, otherwise why would they be with us?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jelbb
Otherwise, try to remember that all men are disgusting beings (ha) and are biologically drawn to boobs of all shapes and sizes. And just because he's attracted to some that might not look like yours doesn't mean he isn't just as attracted to yours. He loves yours even more cause he loves you!
This is also very true of men, which is why it might just have been a bone head move on his part. I don't know of you are a Ron White fan, but watch this link, the part of his skit starting at the 2:00 minute mark, its about guys wanting to see all women naked.
It is human nature to look. Your boyfriend is with you for many reasons; the collection of good memories you've accumulated together, things that he looks forward to in the future with you, and the emotional connection you share. Nothing that a picture or glance at a "hot" girl can give him.
Yes, he might have saved some pictures to look at a few times, but I wouldn't think of it anymore than someone saving pictures of a celebrity or maybe a piece of art. It's just candy for the eyes. Men (and women when they aren't in denial) are very visual beings and enjoy visual stimulation. Does this mean your boyfriend loves you any less, no. Do you enjoy seeing a hot person every now and then, probably.
It all largely depends on the trust you have established with your partner. My husband could basically ogle a woman in front of me and I wouldn't feel any less secure in our relationship or even offended, but he constantly makes it a point and strives to tell me how important I am to him.
I think freaking out about what your partner is looking at can cause more problems than fix though. They will want to hide more things from you to avoid fighting and hurting you. It is often a blow to their self esteem because they can feel like they're not good enough for you to trust. Not to mention, it sets off their "control freak" sensor.
Wouldn't you rather your boyfriend just causally keeping his pictures saved in the open because he trusts you aren't going to flip out when you see them rather than him feeling the need to hide them and delete his web browsing history?
Basically, there is a saying I learned a few years ago and I thought it was funny, but very true:
It doesn't matter where you get your appetite from, as long as you're eating at home.
This is also very true of men, which is why it might just have been a bone head move on his part. I don't know of you are a Ron White fan, but watch this link, the part of his skit starting at the 2:00 minute mark, its about guys wanting to see all women naked.
Hahaha! I knew it was gonna be that line, I always remember that bit from the blue collar comedy tour movie. "Back me up fellas, once you've seen one woman nekkid, you wanna see the rest of them nekkid. She could be an old biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to HERE.... but she's like, "Yuh wanna see mah titties!?" "...Yeah, I do."
Riestrella, you are young and from the pictures in your blog, your curves are in all the right places. You are gorgeous and have no reason to think these other girls are "ideal" compared to you. I'm sure your guy feels the same way and that's why he gave you some lip.
Majority of men don't prefer the model thin, slender girls we're striving to become, but those are the girls that post the most picture on the internet because, sadly, healthy looking women think of themselves as overweight.
Like you said in your original post, don't compare yourself to other women. Your guy is lucky and you remember that next time you're feeling self-conscious.
Hahaha! I knew it was gonna be that line, I always remember that bit from the blue collar comedy tour movie. "Back me up fellas, once you've seen one woman nekkid, you wanna see the rest of them nekkid. She could be an old biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to HERE.... but she's like, "Yuh wanna see mah titties!?" "...Yeah, I do."
I really enjoyed the blue collar comedy tour! lol And really this little skit is so true. I just think men think differently than we do, with certain things being at the top of their priority list. Of course that doesnt give them a free pass to do whatever they want regardless of their parteners feelings, but I do think sometimes they do things because they are being boneheads and really feel bad afterwards for what they did.
Yanno what I got out of this? You communicated something that bothered you before it got out of hand, didn't yell or throw things, and he agreed to stop doing it because it bothered you. That's a good guy you have there
It is weird when it's amateurs he could communicate with if he wanted to versus "professional" models, actresses etc. The pool of self-selecting selfie-posters is also very narrow, and if The Chive is anything like Reddit and uses an upvoting system, the overwhelming preference of the mainstream for thin women would result in all the "top" AKA EASIEST TO FIND photos to be them.
Either way the worst thing you can do IMO is let this reflect on you or take it personally as an affront to his attraction to you. Think of what you like in celebrities, I love THE ROCK and CHRISTIAN BALE but I don't count my attraction to them in ANY WAY against my boyfriend who doesn't look like that.
I'm so sorry! I too would feel that saving the pictures is really crossing the line and I think I would react exactly the same way if my boyfriend did that. I'm sure he wont' hold it against you and will mellow out about it in the logn run, but what concerns me the most is your feelings. Do you think that you'll be feeling more insecure and comparing yourself to other women more and feeling paranoid because of this? Because that's exactly what I would do. I know I would start obsessively looking up pictures of girls I thought he'd like and compare myself to them and that it would take my a long time to feel confident again.
My boyfriend does pretty well at not looking at women when we're out together, but he'll look online and make comments sometimes but it doesn't bother me that much. But one time he did let slip that his ideal woman would be of asian decent. As you can tell from my avatar I am blond, blue eyes, and as far from that as possible. It took me months to get over it. Now I'm confident enough to realize he really does find me attractive and it doesn't bother me anymore.
Good luck with working this out and I hope you feel better!
I have the same thing with my boyfriend. He is into Asian women and Latina women... and I am blonde haired blue eyed, and very pale.
It made me very self-conscious for a long time (still does occasionally). He spent some time in Taiwan and has a fair amount of gorgeous female Asian friends, a few of whom he went out with on dates. I know that he looks through there pictures on facebook, and the pictures of some of his other attractive female friends, and it's frustrating to know that no matter how in shape I am, or how well I dress, etc. I cannot and will not ever look like one of those girls.
We set boundaries - no flirtatious conversations - in some cases he has entirely stopped speaking to them, because of their flirtation. He doesn't save their pictures, and he tries to reinforce his attraction toward me. But insecurities happen. We have been together for almost 2 years, and I still worry sometimes (though less and less).
I think asking him not to save images is an appropriate request. I also think that explaining that his behavior is understandable and not necessarily "wrong" but does bring out your insecurities, and that you are asking him to stop as a favor to you. I think asking sometimes comes across better than demanding.
Maybe focusing on the problem of the insecurity will help open up dialogue on other ways he could help reinforce his attraction to you etc.
Wow. I'm so overwhelmed with your responses. I just wanted to quickly say THANK YOU and a detailed reply to your thoughtful words is coming. I'm a busy lady it seems! Love you guys!
Boyfriends/Husbands looking at other women
I'm so sorry! I too would feel that saving the pictures is really crossing the line and I think I would react exactly the same way if my boyfriend did that. I'm sure he wont' hold it against you and will mellow out about it in the logn run, but what concerns me the most is your feelings. Do you think that you'll be feeling more insecure and comparing yourself to other women more and feeling paranoid because of this? Because that's exactly what I would do. I know I would start obsessively looking up pictures of girls I thought he'd like and compare myself to them and that it would take my a long time to feel confident again. 
