So I’m very worried about a friend of mine. He is 6’4, and over 400 lbs (I’m not sure of the specific number). Ever since I’ve known him, he has always been heavy, but it seems like lately he is appearing more…swollen…than usual. His right leg is larger than his left, and there is a wound that never seems to heal, and there is some darker discoloration of his skin that seems to be spreading…it’s kind of like a bruised color.
I know he recently gave up drinking soda and iced tea because they started to taste funny to him, which is both good and bad! I’m worried that the reason those drinks started tasting bad is because of his health, and if there isn’t anything deeper going on. He doesn’t see doctor’s regularly, which has me even more concerned. I know he has high blood pressure, and I’m not sure if he even takes medication for it.
I know that only he can make the choice to get healthy…that if he doesn’t want to do it, he will only rebel against it. His brother is losing weight, I am losing weight, and my fiancé is losing weight…I don’t want him to get depressed and reclusive (which I can see happening), I want to include him and help motivate him. I’ve already made the choice to make healthier food in healthier size portions anytime he is over, and maybe that’s enough, even though it doesn’t feel like it.
I just feel helpless when I look at him. He is only 33, and I’m scared that he won’t make it to see 40.
I'm not a professional, but I would just let him know that you love him. For me, the more people talked about their weight loss, the less I wanted to work on it. He'll see the changes in you and the other people in your life. Let him know you care about him. When he's ready, he'll seek the tools he needs. For now, send him lots of love and get back to worrying about you!
Please encourage him to see a doctor if he isn't already. The sore that won't heal, skin discoloration and tastes changing sound like possible diabetes symptoms (I am NOT a health professional!).
He does sound worth being concerned over, but maybe you just started being concerned since you started losing weight yourself? That gets real old, real fast, and might just put a wedge between you. Everyone has to come to their own realization, in their own time. JMO.
I have a different take on it, but it's highly dependent on how close you two are. If he's a good friend, I feel that it is appropriate to have a caring conversation with him. Surrounding the issue of health, not weight...there have been a few dark times in my life when I wish a friend/family member would have expressed concern over my slow-motion suicide. It's not about telling him what he should and should not be doing...it's about saying, hey, I really care about you, and I'm concerned about you...Just my opinion.
I have a different take on it, but it's highly dependent on how close you two are. If he's a good friend, I feel that it is appropriate to have a caring conversation with him. Surrounding the issue of health, not weight...there have been a few dark times in my life when I wish a friend/family member would have expressed concern over my slow-motion suicide. It's not about telling him what he should and should not be doing...it's about saying, hey, I really care about you, and I'm concerned about you...Just my opinion.
I agree with all of this here....sometimes "concern for health" is not the same thing as "concern for weight" and like someone else said, those are symptoms of possible diabetes or other more serious conditions (autoimmune, cancer?) i'm no medical expert by any means but IF I HAD THOSE i'd be taking myself to the nearest doctor asap and he should to....and I would give that advice to anyone regardless of weight
This is a very difficult issue isn't it? It sounds like he's afraid to go to the doctor. I've known lots of elders in my family that never went to the doctor because they were afraid that the doctor would tell them they are sick. Many of them suffer from obvious terrible illnesses like blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, obesity, etc and have died. What really gets me is that had they gone to the doctor they could have been helped! They could have lived longer! My own father refused to go to doctor, dentist, any kind of doctor at all no matter how much I beg him to.
Being trapped in fear is a scary place. If I were you I would definitely not try to make him feel bad about his food choices. But I would have a heart to heart about how worried you are for him. He might be in denial about these frightening bruises/discolorations/taste changes. I think that convincing him to go to the doctor should be the focus, not changing his life.
Also, try to be careful about how this situation affects you. If you are coming into healthy living then it can be a little tricky being around someone who is not. You're not an expert yet and you don't want to get side tracked by someone else's bad habits. If your food choices and activities are being derailed by this then you'll have to keep a healthy distance for your sake. Does he have some family you can speak to?
If your only concern was his weight, I would say leave it alone - he knows he's fat.
However, if he's a close friend you can say, " I've been worried about you, what have you been doing to take care of yourself? Have you seen a doctor about your leg..."
I personally would avoid the weight topic itself, and would simply encourage him to see a doctor, and if he didn't want to talk about it, I'd respect that choice (but I'd probably bring it up again at a later date).
My husband has a friend in the hospital right now who may lose his foot because he's not taking care of his diabetes. He's much thinner than my husband who is also diabetic, so this isn't an issue of weight alone. Hubby is fatter, but is more responsible with diet and exercise and managing his blood sugar (though seeing his friend this way has inspired him to make even more changes).
I think this is a case where it's ok to express concern about his health, but you need to be prepared for any reaction from him. He may be grateful, relieved, annoyed or offended. If you're not prepared for any possible response, then don't bring it up at all.
I pretty much agree with everyone else. You're sincerely worried about his health & longevity, & I think you should address it, but from the topic of health instead of weight. If it were me, I would probably try to approach it indirectly at first, very casually, & say something like "Oh, your tastes really are changing. That's weird. What do you think that's about?" Lame, yeah, but at least it's not something that could be perceived as an attack on his size. At the very least, there's no harm in letting him know you care about him & his health.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I truly appreciate it!
I think I will have either myself or my fiance talk to him (he is my fiance's best friend). I am more concerned over his health than anything...the wound that doesn't heal scares me. If it was just his weight, like you guys said, I would leave it be. But if he's not going to a doctor, he needs to.
I've always felt he had some deeper health issues, but I think I would gloss over them when I'd see him because I didn't know much about them. It's true that now I've started to get my life healthier, I see the unhealthy things he does more, and I find myself biting my lip when he does them. I don't want to create a rift between us, but it kills me to see him eat fast food and take-out 6 out of the 7 days a week.
Thanks for listening! It's a tough spot to be in, to watch my friend's health decline, but you're input has cleared a few things up for me, and I'm hoping to have a heart-to-heart with him soon about it. It is ultimately his choice, but I hope he realizes that it's because we love him that we are talking about it, and want to see him get healthy.
My father, who was morbidly obese, would end up hospitalized for months at a time at least once a year due to infections in his legs. Painful and very dangerous ones. You're right to be scared.
If you're close enough, you may want to risk a frank talk. I say risk because close or not, weight is a sensitive issue. make the focus on his health, but maybe try and get him to talk about why he won't seek medical care. If it's shame, then you've at least opened a dialog to help him get past it. He may have had a bad experience with an MD with a fat bias, and that won't help either.
Wow, that leg sounds concerning. My dad had discoloration and eventually had gangrene and an amputation. Not saying that to scare you, but to emphasize how serious this issue could be. My dad was diabetic and lost the leg in his 70's. Your friend is only 33 I think you said. That is too young to be facing a lifetime of health issues.
I'm guessing, like others have posted, that he is paralyzed by fear. I know I was afraid to go to the doctor at my heaviest. I was afraid that I was going to be told I was diabetic, or had heart problems, or some other serious health issue. And I didn't want the "you need to lose weight" lecture from the doc.
Volunteer to go with your friend to the doctor. Or an urgent care clinic, where they typically don't weigh you or give you as many lectures.
Wow, that leg sounds concerning. My dad had discoloration and eventually had gangrene and an amputation. Not saying that to scare you, but to emphasize how serious this issue could be. My dad was diabetic and lost the leg in his 70's. Your friend is only 33 I think you said. That is too young to be facing a lifetime of health issues.
at my heaviest. I was afraid that I was going to be told I was diabetic, or had heart problems, or some otheI'm guessing, like others have posted, that he is paralyzed by fear. I know I was afraid to go to the doctor r serious health issue. And I didn't want the "you need to lose weight" lecture from the doc.
Volunteer to go with your friend to the doctor. Or an urgent care clinic, where they typically don't weigh you or give you as many lectures.
I had a good online friend many years ago now who was a hermit by choice, very heavy, and with Asperger's and she refused to see a doctor even though she was gradually becoming more painful in random places. It began to hurt to lay down, hurt to sleep, pain flares in her back, lots of things. Finally the pain became so bad that she called for an ambulance despite her fears of going places and the doctors. By that time it was too late The cancer had spread throughout her entire body and there was nothing the doctors could do. She went to hospice care and passed away in less than a year. I still think about her all the time.
I had a good online friend many years ago now who was a hermit by choice, very heavy, and with Asperger's and she refused to see a doctor even though she was gradually becoming more painful in random places. It began to hurt to lay down, hurt to sleep, pain flares in her back, lots of things. Finally the pain became so bad that she called for an ambulance despite her fears of going places and the doctors. By that time it was too late The cancer had spread throughout her entire body and there was nothing the doctors could do. She went to hospice care and passed away in less than a year. I still think about her all the time.
I'm so sorry for your loss!!
So I saw my friend tonight, and while I didn't have the talk I wanted with him, I did have a talk with my fiance, as he was just willing to brush it aside saying that "he is an adult, he should know how to take care of himself". I brought up the points about fearing what you might hear, and pretending the issues don't exist, and I think it helped him see the issues I see.
What we are going to do is talk to my friends brother first. We know that he is going to the gym, and resuming additional physical activity outside of his home. If my friend is starting to change his lifestyle to match his brother's (they live together), we don't want to seem overbearing or like we are prying into his life. If he isn't changing, though, my fiance and I are going to talk with our friend about the concerns we have for his health. I'd rather have an uncomfortable conversation with my friend rather than see him suffer through horrible health concerns or the possibility of early death.
Worried About a Friend
The cancer had spread throughout her entire body and there was nothing the doctors could do. She went to hospice care and passed away in less than a year. 
