[Silverfire]

So, some back story...

I have worked with this particular person on and off for the last 6 years, and over the years, we have become friends. Way back in the day, we hung out after work, he had parties at his place and all that good stuff. We got along quite well in fact. Work changed and we didn't spend as much time together for a while, and then more changes happened and we worked as a duo for a solid year. We got along very well then, were an excellent team and pushed through huge amounts of work through our area. More company changes moved us around again and we didn't work together for almost two years. Now, for the last 6 months, we have been working together again. He is my senior in the dept, and has been training me in my new position.

Now for a bit about him. I don't know what to call his personality type.. I will try to explain it as best as I can... He thinks that he is better than everyone (even though he likes to add "I know I am not better than anyone else... but" and then would proceed to say something to the contrary) He recently married another coworker and got a step son in the process. He's 6. The father of the kid, is not a great guy ( have met him, not just hearsay). Emotionally abusive, bipolar, really bad family issues (issues go on and on) So, there is all this crap that goes on with the families and stuff. He was raised in a strict Vietnamese household and has had his own daddy issues over the years too. Anyway hes very particular, a neat freak and a little OCD. This doesn't really tell it all but its the best I can do without sounding MORE petty I think

He just doesn't have anything to say that I want to listen to anymore. He constantly complains that his step son is stupid. Has to be disciplined constantly (in ways that I personally don't care for, tho I am not a parent, so I probably don't fully understand) Complains that they dress the kid in 50 dollar (insert brand name here) shirts and has to discipline the kid for spilling his juice on it! Complains that the kid slopped some food off his plate, splashed his bathwater on the floor, wants to open the car door by himself, wants to pick his own clothes, wants to talk to his dad on the phone.... Things that I would consider normal kid stuff I guess.

He and his wife just had a new baby a couple months ago. Super happy for them, she is a very cute little girl.

But he made a comment about his car the other day that really made me angry.

He has a fancy sports car. It's his baby. He wants to hang onto it, so he can pass it down... To his daughter. The boy, is not allowed to drive it. At all. I asked him why?! I couldn't understand how he could justify not letting the boy drive it. He said, because, he is not my kid. That blew my mind. I mean, I get that he isn't your biological kid, but that doesn't mean that he isn't a part of your family now (They have majority of custody) and should be treated as such. I told him I thought that was terrible and that he should love his step son as much as his own daughter. He said he would never "Love" his step son. I just about cried right there. I don't even know what to say to him anymore when he starts talking. I used to try to make suggestions as things he could try to help whatever hes complaining about at that time. But he just doesn't want to hear it and moves onto a different complaint.

(I don't think I have used the word complain so many times in my life... wow lol)

Also, this really gets me. He is aware of my $$$$ situation (lack there of lol) and my old and broken car... His second favorite thing to complain about is that he cant decide what new car to buy (Has that fancy sports car, a 2 year old car, 2 year old big truck) Does he really think that I want to hear him hmmm and haaa over this range rover or this BMW. This leather trim or that 5000 buck add on. Here I am with a car that is older than I am, leaks oil like a sieve and he thinks that I am going to be sympathetic to his plight!

I'm not really sure if there is a point to all this. I just needed to talk about it. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. Fortunately most of these conversations happen over instant messaging at work and I can ignore much of it with "Uh huh"s and "Oh yeah, I get that"'s , but I part of me wants to tell him to shut the F up and quit b!tching about it, but I would much rather have a civil work environment I think.

You would think that he would be more willing to listen to your complaints in return... NOPE. Cuts you off in the middle of yours to talk about more of his

I know someone else out there has to deal with someone like this and I could really use some tips on not just telling him to shut it!

[PreciousMissy]

I really don't have any advice for you aside from: maybe it's time to distance yourself. During personal hours just make up an excuse as to why you're too busy to listen to him. During work hours, if he starts to complain, you can tell him that you'd love to talk but you really want to get ______ done.

Being direct is one way to go, but I've seen situations such as yours go extremely south in the work place when someone had their feelings hurt in office friendships.

[elvislover324]

My heart breaks for the son. Hopefully his mother gives him enough love to cover for the father and the step-father. And yes, that's how a 6 year old acts (wanting to pick his own clothes, makes a bit of a mess, etc.) and I know that much not even having one! It's called kids being kids!

I have no advice for you except to say I've been there/done that and those types of people are mentally exhausting to me. I think the easiest way to handle him is to steer clear of him and keep the conversations to a minimum. People like him are so self-centered you'll never get him to listen to you or have sympathy for your situation so it's not even worth trying.

Good luck and vent to us whenever you want or need to. We will let you get a word in, even if you get long replies like mine!

[Silverfire]

Thanks PreciousMissy, that would be perfect advice, however, unfortunately we are almost always aware of what the other is working on, and even more unfortunately, there hasn't been much to do around these parts recently. Perfect opportunity to rant for hours on end lol I try to let him get it out there without having to provide lengthy responses and such, I know everyone needs to vent and rant (see above ) But does it really need to be all day every day?

[Lecomtes]

That just plain SUCKS. I admire you for maintaining composure and professionalism. I tend to get all sorts of emotional/preachy towards people like that...I have to admit I think he is a downright fool to say that about his step son, and if I were his mother I would want to know! (Not trying to suggest you tell her, lol, I realize that would be nuts...just saying I would drop that guy quicker than a handful of thermite.) What a jack@ss. I'm sorry he can't be avoided due to the working arrangement. Kudos for telling him he was/is out of line!

[GlamourGirl827]

Originally Posted by Silverfire

He just doesn't have anything to say that I want to listen to anymore.

Originally Posted by Silverfire

I don't know how to talk to him anymore.

I think these two statements really say it all....For this situation and for anyone that has moved on from a friendship.
I recently (finally) exited from a friendship that I was feeling this exact feelings for well over a year. The friendship was dead dead dead but I kept it going like Weekend at Bernies!! lol (tell me you've seen that movie, its a corney classic..anyway...)

Since you are dealing with a work friend (a little bit more tricky) I would say to bring the basically dead friendship down for a smooth seperation...now, because if you don't good chance is it will eventually end in an explosive finale. Especially since it seems he has already crawled under your skin in several areas, and his personality irritates you, resentment will likely build the longer you force yourself to listen to him go on and on when it sounds like you'd like to tell him to STFU.
Start by distancing yourself now, and slowly. Get some new hobbies, or tell him you have. Get into a good book, and read on your down time at work. Be busy, a lot. Or try to get him to distance himself from you. Start hunting if he's a vegan, or vice versa...(I used to be vegan so I'm speaking tongue in cheek, but you get my point)

It sounds like your "friendship" has already reached a critical level of irritation, and if ignored, it could be trouble. ANd because you work together its best to avoid that kind of ending.

I tried to ignore a friendship like that, and truthfully she just got under my skin. She began to embody the very personality and lifestyle that I really cannot stand. We didn't just have different opinions, the more I got to know her the more i realized that she went against my moral grain, and lacked all traits that I respected in others and strived to be. SHe also possessed all the personality traits that I just can't stand! It was like everything she did (or more like didn't do) was annoying, and she complained ALL THE TIME about how her life sucked but she did NOTHING to fix it. It drove me nuts!!

Near the end of our friendship, I was in need of a vent session after talking to her, because I couldn't stand her. That's a red flag. Friends should BE your vent session, not cause them!!

I only know about this what you provided, but from what you said I would not try to salvage this friendship. Its really not about who he is or isn't or what he has or doesn't have, its really about your feelings and reaction to him and if you have anything left in the friendship you value. And if what you value is big enough for you to ignore the parts of the friendship that make you want to run away screaming.

[alaskanlaughter]

yet another reason I thank heavens there's no instant messaging capability at my work

I would suggest what the others said...distance yourself and keep busy...even if it's taking a college course and studying during your down time...or pick a hobby that keeps you busy during down time (can't message if your hands are busy knitting etc)...or even just ignore his message for a good 10 minutes before you reply with "oh im sorry I didn't see that message, i was busy"...let the friendship fade away with messages like "wow that sounds like a hard decision...I gotta get going, I have a test to study for"...repeat as needed until he finds someone else with more time to listen to him

ive had friendships both at work and personal just slowly fade away because i'm simply too busy to keep it going...

on a side note, you mentioned him being Vietnamese and having family issues and I wonder if the whole "willing the car to his biological daughter" thing might have cultural aspects to it....where lineage is important...but I don't know, i'm not familiar with that culture At All

[Dane74]

Originally Posted by elvislover324

My heart breaks for the son...

Yeah, that just killed me as well. Not that you're personal issues with this dude should be ignored, but the "it's not my kid" comment just hit me in the gut. Personally, I've not seen or heard from my dad since I was 16 (I'm 39 today), and not having a father figure in your life is not always the easiest.

In terms of your situation and that guy - just try to distance yourself. Try not to waste too much of your time and energy on him (even thinking about it). He clearly has a nice big bag of issues himself (must have confidence issues with the need to talk about expensive items and such). On top of that, it sounds like his marriage already has a lot of junk, so let me dwell in his own misery.

An expensive car (or 3) is obviously not a key to a fulfilling life, so simply feel sorry for him and how pathetic he is instead of getting personally annoyed with all his complaints.

Just my 2¢ anyway.

[Silverfire]

All excellent advice and thank you! however I should have been more clear in that we (thankfully) are now only work "friends". Aside from going to his baby shower, that is the first time we have seen each other outside of work in more than a few years. So thankfully these issues don't extend much outside of the work zone! But work is still 8 hours of my day lol!!

Elvis - Yes it is very exhausting! I really want to care about his problems, but I don't think I have it in me anymore

Lecomtes - Thanks! Sometimes its so hard to bite my tongue lol! There have been a few times where I have spoke my mind (edited of course lol) but he wasn't very receptive!

GlamourGirl827 - I am sure everyone has had to deal with someone like this at some point (you did!) and I am glad that you were able to make a fairly clean break from your now non friend I know what you mean, feeling like you have less and less in common. I often wonder how we became friends in the first place. A lot can change over 6 years!

alaskanlaughter - I'm going to try and be more distant, more busy as much as I can!

Thanks again everyone for reading my big long rant and the good advice. It's something I am going to have to either suck up and deal with, or work on distancing myself from.

Wish me luck

[Silverfire]

Thanks Dane74! I liked your 2¢. I should be glad I don't have a fraction of the issues hes got I guess!

[Remington90]

I've had to end a few relationships in my lifetime. The last one in particular was a very good friend. "best friends" as someone would say. It got to the point where I had to either stand up for our relationship, or stand up for myself.

I chose myself, and I'm damn glad I did.

My personality tells me to tell it like it is, rude or not. I try to refrain from causing a catastrophe, but I also won't let my own emotions, moods or anything between be affected by toxic people. Unfortunately, as of right now a very close family member is thrown into that category of toxic people, and it's a shame. But I'm going to live my life for ME.

My advice? Stand up for what you believe in and if that means you'll lose friendship with this man, then so be it. It sounds like a toxic relationship and you don't need that. I 'm not suggesting to be rude and go off on a tangent, but if he keeps trying small talk, I'd just say "look, I'm in a different place right now and I think I need my space". You don't need to specify from him or from anybody. If he keeps prodding, I'd speak up and say specifically him, but on the other hand I would have said that to start. I'm a bit aggressive.

There are times I think about my friendship with the friend I mentioned above. It is "sad" that we've lost touch and that it went down the way it did. But it's been a year and a half of not one word exchanged and honestly, I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

I get you have to work with him and that will play a role in how you need to deal with this situation. But that should be even MORE of a motivation to deal with it accordingly; and soon.

Sorry to hear and good luck!

[Keep Moving Forward]

Some people just don't deserve to have children. I mean, if he's going to discipline a 6 year old for spilling things, why does he even have children? It's what they do. I'm 27 & I still spill things all the time. It happens. I wonder how his wife feels about it? Surely, she sees how her husband doesn't have an ounce of love for her son.... I just feel so bad for that poor child who will never understand why his stepdad doesn't love him I hope he has a strong, loving father figure elsewhere in his life.

I don't know how I would deal with him, honestly. I would want to keep the peace at work, too, but I would be HIGHLY tempted to tell him exactly what I thought of him every time I saw him. You're a better woman than I am for being civil to him for all of this time.

[sacha]

That must be very hard to hear. As a mother, it breaks my heart.

However if he is Vietnamese, I can understand why he perceives it in this manner. I don't wish to stereotype, but it is not unusual that a Vietnamese man would not consider a step-child as his own or treat the step-child the same as his biological child.

I would just continue to go in, do your job, and just try and change the subject. There's really no reason for him to discuss such private matters at work anyways. I get that you guys were buddies, but it's gotten a bit unprofessional so use that as an excuse to stop the discussions.

[Silverfire]

You guys are awesome. You all gave me something to take into consideration in dealing with this guy. I might just end up taking a page from each of your books I feel better having had talked about it. He isn't a terrible guy, and I hope I didn't make him sound too awful. I sometimes just get fed up I guess. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day I hope and I will just start distancing myself and take it from there. We used to rock the team work and I don't want to lose that as we really are the only ones in this department...

[Lecomtes]

"I'm 27 & I still spill things all the time." Bwahahaha! Me too, me too. That cracked me up.