Ok... so yesterday I got a weird, unsolicited life-coach speech from my fellow female co-worker. I have no idea what prompted it.
A little background on myself:
~ Late twenties
~ Single and not looking
~ Child-free
~ Living on my own
~ Living within my means
~ Debt-free
~ Making the best money I could ever hope to make, this the best job I’ve ever had.
~ Stable family
~ Fairly stress-free life
~ I do things for myself
~ Don’t complain about my life (minus little annoyances, but nothing personal)
A little background on co-worker:
~ 50
~ Divorced in her 20’s and never remarried
~ Single, but constantly goes on about needing a man
~ Two grown daughters in their 20’s. The one lives at home and makes bad decisions. The other is married with two kids and they all recently moved back in with co-worker.
~ Has a male housemate living with her (allowed him to move in even though he lied to her and is financially irresponsible).
~ In debt
~ Constantly on about not having any money and can’t get her bills in order.
~ Always seeking help because she never wants to do anything for herself.
~ Generally unhappy about her life/job and won’t hesitate to tell you.
It must be said that we do not have the greatest work relationship as she has annoyed me from the beginning. A number of people aren’t fond of her because she speaks to everyone as if they were children – very condescending and holier-than-thou. She has said many times that people here on site don’t like her because they are intimidated by a college educated woman. It takes everything in me to not tell her that the real reason people don’t like you is because you are a straight-up @#$%*
So I was sitting at my desk doing my thing as usual when she came into my area. Thought it was going to be the routine morning greetings but instead she starts in about how much it sucks to work here. As usual, I just kind of tune her out because it the same old thing over and over again. After complaining, she then turns the conversation to me:
Co-worker: “Oh Buddha Gal, there are so many opportunities open to you at your age. I mean, when I was your age I was divorced and raising two kids. You should travel, blah, blah.”
Me: “Uh huh, yeah…”
Co-worker: “You really need to go to college. You need to take out some loans and get yourself an education. You need to do something with your life.”
Me: (a little shocked by the comment, thinking): I’ve been to college, lady. And I’m debt-free, unlike you, so why would I want to take out student loans and ruin that? And who the h*ll said I wasn’t doing something with my life?!
Co-worker: “There are so many degrees available in Human Services that you could get.”
Me: “I don’t like people so why would I spend money to get a degree in a field that would revolve around them?
Co-worker: (ignoring my comment): “I don’t want to see you wasting your life at this dead end job.”
Me: “This isn’t a dead-end job. My last job was dead-end and life-sucking. This job gave me the ability to finally be an adult and get my life back.”
Co-worker: (ignoring me again): “Look, I was able to go to college while raising two kids, so there is nothing stopping you. I got my bachelor’s degree and then later on I went back for my Master’s. I took classes on the weekends to do it. You could always take weekend classes.”
Me: “I don’t want to go back to college. I hated it the first time. And my luck, I would get another degree and be unable to find a job just like last time. I’m not going to waste my time or money on a maybe.”
Co-worker: “My degrees opened so many doors for me…” (starts naming off the jobs she’s worked).
Me: (thinking): You have complained about every single job you just listed. You only stayed a year or two because they didn’t live up to your expectations or you got laid off. I see what your degrees have gotten you – a sting of crappy jobs.
Co-worker: She continues on for a bit, basically reiterating and then ends with: “I hope you take this all into consideration.”
Me: (annoyed at this point): “I’ll be sure to file it away for future reference…”
Later at lunch I told my co-worker friend what was said. I am, of course, all defensive saying do I look or act uneducated? Who is she to tell me what I need to do with my life when she can’t even get hers in order? I see how far her degrees have taken her – her adult kids and their kids all mooch off her, she’s unhappy, riddled with debt, and full of drama. So naturally I’m going to trade in my contented life and be more like her, a hot mess. She knows nothing about my history, my personal life, or my aspirations so where does she get off with these assumptions. It’s like going up to a stranger and telling them about themselves.
Friend Co-worker pointed out that she is most likely just projecting her issues onto me. She probably feels insecure and felt the need to talk up her life and make it sound like she’s done so much. It’s possible that the “get an education and do something with your life” bit is something she’s been wanting to say to her deadbeat daughters but doesn’t have the guts to so instead she preached to the nearest 20-something female.
I guess. All I can say is, if you’re having problems leave me out of them :P
I hate those kind of people and comments, omg!!!! *hugs to you*!!!
I agree, she's projecting her issues on you. People like that will never change and they will never hear anything you reply with no matter if you agree with her or go against her. Just let her yap as you can't stop her anyways!!
I'm happy to read your list about you. It sounds like you are in a good place in your life, your job and your health too (from the other thread with your sister). Keep up the good work, you are making a fantastic future for yourself!!
Just so annoying and you're right, people like that never hear what you're saying. They just keep going on because in their world they know best :P
I'm am perfectly content with my life (doing a lot better than most people I know, less stressed out too) so it really gets me that "Debbie Downer" felt the need to monologue that I should follow in her foot steps. Absolutely ridiculous.
I can see what her intentions may have been but the blatant assumptions and the self-righteous tone put my hackles up. I really wish I had said, "Go tell it to your daughters - I'm not the one living at home unemployed and mooching off my mother." I always think of something to say after the fact :P
I agree about projection. You sure know a lot of personal stuff about her, I'm guessing she shares this freely to people? I think people like this are best left avoided in a professional setting. Obviously you have to work with her, but I'd really try and steer out any conversation about personal stuff.
Ah, you know what they say... Those who can't do, teach. It's much easier to trot out advice when you're unhappy with your lot than to take a good long look at your own issues and work on fixing them. You basically sound a lot like I was a few years ago (minus the debt free part, damn! - I'm now in a 4yr relationship but nothing else has changed) and I've had these lectures as well! The when are you getting married lecture. The when are you having kids lecture. The why do you live on your own lecture... So tiring!
I see exactly why you're venting. And you know it's true that was all projection on her part. It's a shame her life ended up the way it did, but what are you meant to do about that? Keep on keeping on, it sounds like you know where you're at and what you're doing, so try to take comfort in that fact! It sounds like you have your life set up how you want it, which is no mean feat. What more can I say, but... congrats!
Wow, 50 year old co-worker sounds like quite the character! I think friend co-worker is very insightful. This is one of those head shaking situations. Sometimes its best to just not engage with crazy people!
Last edited by Missy Krissy; 04-16-2013 at 01:22 PM.
@sacha: The co-worker is an over-sharer. She'll openly complain about everything and anything: friends, family, financial issues, love issues, etc. Since we work in an open trailer it's difficult to get away from it and I definitely don't engage her haha. This conversation was a surprise attack. I thought she was just going to say hello and then it turned into "you need to do something with your life."
@ the shiv: I at least like to think I know what I'm doing hahaha. I'm finding most of the lectures I receive are from people doing worse than me. Like you said, it's easier to talk then fix their own messes. But they can talk all they want cause in the end I'm the one living the life I want.
Your friend is right. She is likely projecting her misery on to you. She is a train-wreck. We all know people like this and it's ironic that they are always the ones who want to give "good advice," yet are unwilling or unable to make good decisions in their own lives. Sorry you have to work with her. Maybe earplugs would help!
I know you said you're just venting. Does it help you process and let you move forward without holding onto feelings/judgments? (Honest question, not pre-supposing.)
I have a different perspective from other posters after reading your post about your coworker and the one about your sister. Mainly, I see a lot of frustration about how other people in your life behave - but also some judgment about how they're living their lives. You're expressing unhappiness here about your coworker judging your life, but it's pretty clear that in doing so, you're judging hers. I realize she created the entire interaction and you were just reacting to it - but are your reactions helping you?
Hopefully this comes across right (I don't mean to offend). I've come to a place in my own life where I've realized that "venting" doesn't usually accomplish what I wanted it to (for me). I've also realized that when I feel frustrated or otherwise emotionally 'pinged' by an interaction, it's either because it actually is hitting on something vulnerable deep down or because there's a gap between how I want people to act or be and how they actually are. (This includes their judgments of me). It's really hard, but I'm struggling to stop suffering from my own expectations and trying to work at accepting people as they are -- because that seems like the sure way to not feel negatively impacted by those kinds of interactions. (And of course it's so, so easy to say and so, so hard to do.)
I may be way off the mark, of course. Edit - and it strikes me how really ironic this post is, given your thread title. Either way, I hope you can find or create a less frustrating work environment!
Last edited by Desiderata; 04-16-2013 at 03:34 PM.
I have a friend that used to work in the same place I currently do. She absolutely hated it! When she quit and got a new job she rode me for 2 years about how I should quit and that my work was toxic. She couldn't understand that I enjoyed my job and the people I work with.
You sound like a very polite person and I think held your tongue better than I would have. Should she start in again maybe you could tell her "I'm very happy with my life and where I am. I just don't think our versions of happiness are the same."
Friend Co-worker pointed out that she is most likely just projecting her issues onto me. She probably feels insecure and felt the need to talk up her life and make it sound like she’s done so much. It’s possible that the “get an education and do something with your life” bit is something she’s been wanting to say to her deadbeat daughters but doesn’t have the guts to so instead she preached to the nearest 20-something female.
I guess. All I can say is, if you’re having problems leave me out of them :P
Wow! I agree with your friend. Sounds like the other co-worker has regrets or wants to stress how much she has done, which has nothing to do with you.
Good job restraining yourself, I'm sure you wanted to smack her.
I have a different perspective from other posters after reading your post about your coworker and the one about your sister. Mainly, I see a lot of frustration about how other people in your life behave - but also some judgment about how they're living their lives. You're expressing unhappiness here about your coworker judging your life, but it's pretty clear that in doing so, you're judging hers.
I think she was just trying to give us background information on this person to help us understand why the interaction was so annoying.
BUT - you do have a point as sometimes the things that bother/irritate us the most are things that touch a nerve...
Unsolicited life-coach speech from co-worker
Either way, I hope you can find or create a less frustrating work environment!
