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Old 01-21-2013, 10:13 PM   #1  
Make it to the moon...
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Default "Amazing" friend or... NOT

Back story…

I’m going to call her my “Amazing” friend for this post as you may want to substitute “Amazing” for something else by the end of it… My “Amazing” friend and I have been friends since 7th grade, putting us at 16-17 years of friendship. Since middle school I have had other friends tell me about this “other side” of my “Amazing” friend, but I had never seen it and won’t write off someone because of what other people say. This past November she got engaged and asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. My "Amazing" friend is getting married in the summer of 2014. At the end of December we decide to become buddies on the Lose it! ap and work on losing weight together starting the day after New Year’s. My “Amazing” friend is the same height as me, but about 180lbs. whereas I started at just shy of 285. We’re built very differently however. She was a sprinter in high school, I was a thrower in high school and ended up competing as a competitive weight lifter and thrower in college. We may be the same height, but there is a big difference in our goal weights. Even though my goal weight is about 25-30lbs. higher than hers, I still have a lot more weight to lose. Annnnnnnd…

The whole idea of being buddies on Lose it! was to give each other support. I’ve lost 15lbs. since January 2nd, my "Amazing" friend has lost 4lbs and for the last week, I have been getting these comments from my “Amazing” friend … “you’re not eating enough calories.” “400-500 calories are way too many to burn in one workout.” “I want a scale like yours.”
I’ve been ignoring her comments and pushing on. I am eating the suggested calories; I’m just not eating my exercise calories so it looks like I’m eating less than I should. I know I’m doing okay… And the my "Amazing" friend goes nuts… Here is out text messaging conversation from yesterday…

“Amazing” friend: Bridal party is all set
Me: Cool, the girls are?
“Amazing” friend: Not you.
Me: Huh?
“Amazing” friend: Not you.
Me: Ok… Can I ask why?
“Amazing” friend: I can’t have anyone in my bridal party that might look better than me on MY day.
Me: Ummmm… What?
“Amazing” friend: Really? You know what! You can still come to the bachelorette party and even the wedding, but you’re not a bridesmaid anymore.
Me: This is a joke right?
“Amazing” friend: No.
Me: Hmmm… I think you can count me out on the bachelorette party and the wedding.
“Amazing” friend: Now you’re being selfish.
Me: Deleting you now…
In a five minute span I get…
“Amazing” friend: Seriously!? Don’t be childish.
“Amazing” friend: Can’t we talk about this?
“Amazing” friend: Hello?
“Amazing” friend: Really? Ignoring ME???

And it went on for another few minutes before it finally stopped…

Today I get a phone call from her mom telling me that my “Amazing” friend had a bad night last night and wants me back in the wedding… WHA…??? I’m still pretty ticked and not sure how I feel about this whole wedding thing… I’m really thinking I should say no… If we were best friends… maybe… but we weren’t and I don’t know how I feel about our friendship as a whole now. Yes, people have a bad day. But what’s going to happen when I stick with the program and lose the weight? Is she going to give me crap the whole way? Should I really have to tell her to back off when she knows what it’s like to be overweight and what a struggle it is to lose the weight?

So annoyed right now…

***1/23/13 UPDATE***

*Update*
My friend (I’m not ready to completely give up on our friendship) and I talked this evening and are planning to get together to spend some time trying to talk this out on Saturday. I want to say thank you to those of you that realized that this post was a vent post as well as a thank you to those who made me take a step back and take another look at both the situation as well as this post. I was angry and should have taken some more time to think things through before putting this post up. I have a tendency to be hot headed as well as sarcastic shortly after something has made me really upset and this post unfortunately reflected that. I posted shortly after talking to my friend’s mom… As for the situation itself; I admit that my “deleting you now” text did not help the situation, however it was very late at night, I was upset and I lashed out. I would also like to point out that I did not ask to be a bridesmaid nor did I EXPECT it. I was asked.

We are no longer friends on Lose It! I never bragged about my weight loss or made a big deal about it with my friend as it is something I normally don’t even talk about with friends, family, etc. (my past experiences have been full of others around me trying to micromanage my weight loss). Sharing how I was doing with someone I see regularly was completely new to me and I let the ap itself do the “sharing.”

As for what I “did” to potentially cause this situation. My friend has said nothing, I can’t think of anything and we believe it was actually the result of something that occurred between my friend and someone else the night before. My friend spent Sunday watching Season 7 reruns of The Biggest Loser with another friend of hers. This woman at one point compared me to Tara and somehow it turned into a conversation about where we will all be in a year which somehow led to my friend becoming very upset. I don’t really understand it, but hopefully she will be able to clarify this weekend.

As for the wedding… I don’t know. I’m leaning towards attending, but not being a part of the wedding party. Again, Saturday will hopefully help me answer some of the questions above.

As for the “petty” women posts, etc. Ummm, wow..? I’m glad to see that people realize pettiness is not gender specific.

Last edited by KimL1214; 01-23-2013 at 09:53 PM.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:21 PM   #2  
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Wow.... Honestly, if you feel like down the road you would be upset about having missed her wedding then by all means, be there. In my opinion, she is putting vanity before your friendship, shows how much she really cares....that's sad!

That being said, it's not uncommon for people to get emotional during the wedding planning process as there is lots of stress and high emotions ready. Though if she isn't getting married for another year and a half I don't think she could use that as an excuse! Just know that you are the better person by not thinking so shallowly about the appearance of your friends and realize they your time and friendship is worth more than that.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:22 PM   #3  
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And that being said, I wouldn't accept an apology or an attempt to reach out coming from her mom. If she was sorry she would say so herself.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:28 PM   #4  
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She sounds like an insecure selfish witch to me!!
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:34 PM   #5  
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I don't know If you are familiar with the show real housewives of New Jersey, but Theresa once said something which was surprisingly smart. "There are evil people out there in the shape of our friends". Be glad you could realize this and maybe filter out this toxic friend.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:35 PM   #6  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KimL1214 View Post
But what’s going to happen when I stick with the program and lose the weight? Is she going to give me crap the whole way?
Yeah, probably.

Honestly, MY heart even kinda dropped when I read that text message exchange!

That's not a friend. It's an insecure person who doesn't know the true meaning of friendship and is willing to take it out her frustrations and anxiety about her own crap on you.

I wouldn't be a part of the wedding party even if she begs, cries, etc., because I can guarantee you something like this will come up again between now and September 2014. Better to just stay out of the wedding stuff altogether. I would also drop her as a friend on the lose it app so she can't obsess over your stats and calorie counting.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:38 PM   #7  
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You are in your late 20s and her mother is calling on her behalf?? She seems childish in her behavior, and that just confirms it!

I guess if she is a friend and you want to be in the wedding party, you should have a heart to heart with her. You have to ask yourself if this is something you are willing to throw out the friendship over. Hopefully not and you can make amends. Choosing to not go to the wedding will likely end the friendship, I would think.

Good luck.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:41 PM   #8  
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I agree with Lindsayanne, an apology from someone's mother is meaningless. Also, I don't care whose wedding it is or how good of friends you are or how stressed out the bride is-YOU'RE IMPORTANT TOO!! you don't have to bend over backwards for someone just because they're getting married (unless of course you want to). I don't think you have to put up with this. If you're uncomfortable continuing this friendship, I think your response was totally valid.
P.S. 15 pounds in a month is amazing-keep up the great work!!
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:57 PM   #9  
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Takes two to tango ...

Your friend - for her telling you you're out over a text message

You - for txting "Deleting you now…" what follows after, and your post itself tells me volumes.

Someone who has been my friend for 17 years I would give the benefit of the doubt for temporary insanity.

If it isn't tempoary insanity than this isn't coming out of the blue. Obviously you're competetive and maybe she's sick of it. I'm not excusing her behavior but I am guessing her side of the story is quite different.

My wife has always told me how petty women can be and it's posts like these that confirm her thoughts. If you were a big person you would call her and talk it out. Instead ... you come here to post about what an "amazing" person your friend is?

Just my opinion but ... you posted in an open forum so I'm entitled to it.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:38 PM   #10  
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I don't agree with what she did but she'd clearly threatened by you in your determination and success with weight loss.

However I think sitting down with her and talking about it will give you the right answer. I wouldn't point the finger and call her out, but I'd definitely not hold back. You need to have a serious talk and show that not only did she hurt your feelings, but she hurt your friendship.

If one of my friends did this to me, I'd probably drop all contact and not put forth and effort. Is that the right move? Most likely not, but I'm a bull headed person and I'm trying to work on that.

My advice would be have a talk. Not just a meet for lunch and talk before the meal comes. I mean have a serious talk.

Good luck!
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Old 01-22-2013, 12:39 AM   #11  
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It sounds like she might be feeling very insecure at being overweight at her wedding. Maybe she is finding it very difficult to stay on track and is envious that you don't seem to be having the same struggles. If this is the first time she has ever acted like this with you (as opposed to being an example of her everyday behavior, in which case she is -toxic-), then a 17 year friendship to me would be worth investigating the real cause behind her meltdown. Losing weight is a very challenging process physically and emotionally, as is getting married. Working on both at the same time could cause anyone to have meltdowns or act erratically.

That being said, there is also your own well being and health to consider. If staying her friend would require you to stop your efforts to become healthier, then obviously that is not a relationship you should foster.

The first time I successfully lost weight I was shocked by all the negative comments I received from relatives and "close" friends (all women). It was like they were attacking me for my weight loss. My m-i-l tried to convince my husband that I must be hiding some serious illness like cancer. My husband told her he had never seen me happier or healthier.

This time even at the beginning of losing weight (hopefully for good this time), already I am getting comments like "you are just fine", "you don't need to lose weight" which sound like complements, but really?? I am Obese! This time around I am focusing on blocking any non supportive comments out of my head. There are many roadblocks along the path to living and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and unfortunately "well meaning" friends and family are near the top of that list.

Whatever happens, good luck to you, and great job so far!
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Old 01-22-2013, 12:52 AM   #12  
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I totally agree with JohnP - even though she was being insecure and a wee bit bridezilla about things, texting back 'deleting you now' and then coming here and posting this sarcastic rant just shows that you weren't willing to have a mature conversation with her. Planning a wedding can be very, very stressful (I was engaged for two years and was stressed to the max the entire time - to the point that my hair was falling out in huge clumps - and I was only planning an 8 guest wedding without a wedding party!) and it's par the course for brides to have moments of insanity. If you can't give a friend of 17 years the benefit of the doubt and at least try to talk things out with her, you absolutely should not be in her wedding party and should probably not attend any of her wedding events.

It's also worth noting that even if you've been friends this long, you don't have a right to be a bridesmaid. I can't imagine being this upset over someone deciding that they'd prefer I be a guest than an attendant.
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Old 01-22-2013, 01:03 AM   #13  
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I think this would just fuel my fire. I would take it as a personal challenge. I agree that even if she did say sorry, there would be more problems down the road. Maybe just show up to that wedding as a guest, and looking your very, very, very best.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:33 AM   #14  
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Quote:
It's also worth noting that even if you've been friends this long, you don't have a right to be a bridesmaid. I can't imagine being this upset over someone deciding that they'd prefer I be a guest than an attendant.
I don't think she thought she had the right to be a bridesmaid. She explained earlier in the post that she was supposed to be one. That's when she was nixed for "potentially" looking better than the bride. After the comments she has been making, I understand why the op is upset. I've been a bride myself and I never treated my friends like this. I don't think planning a wedding can really explain this person's behavior. She seems jealous at her friend having more success than her. I am sure if I told a co-worker (who is my same size) about my recent successes, she'd retaliate in some fashion herself (since she is stuck) due to jealousy.

Honestly if you do decide to talk to her again, I'd explain that these snide comments are hurting you and explain to her that you will lose weight at different speeds. Yours will come off a lot faster than hers will but congratulate her on her success so far. I'd try to support her in any weight loss endeavors but I'd also lose her as a weight loss buddy since she isn't being supportive.
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Old 01-22-2013, 08:00 AM   #15  
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She intended for you to feel bad, just look at the transition from 'bridal party is ready' then 'Not you'. I think this person has issues and it is not worth it for you to spend your time with someone with these kind of problems. There are problems and there are problems, some people you just shouldn't bother with because they are toxic.
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