For those of you already familiar with my posts, I'm sure I've mentioned numerous times that I've
always been fat; not just overweight, but
obese and beyond. Aside from my lower grade school years, I've never felt "normal." And looking back, it saddens me when I realize how much of my world completely revolved around my weight. I felt restricted from doing everyday things by either feeling like I was too fat or actually being told so,
even if I really wasn't. It has affected every single little aspect of my life, turning my negative emotions and predictions into self-fulfilling prophecies of doom.
I'm still in the process of convincing myself that dammit, I'm not too fat for all these things, no matter what my weight might be. We all deserve to be happy and enjoy life to its fullest, to love ourselves and feel worthy. It's really difficult to enjoy anything in life when we don't feel worth it! Here are some examples of unhealthy thinking/bad patterns I've recognized within myself that I'm working on acknowledging and changing for the better. Some are from the past, some are still current struggles, and all have hindered my enjoyment of life in some way or another. I don't want my entire life and well-being to revolve around my weight! I'm hoping that listing them out like this will be therapeutic for not only myself, but for others too.
Here goes . . .
You're too fat for a boyfriend. While it may seem silly to point out now that I'm married, one of the reasons I didn't even go on my first date until I was in my mid-20's was because I honestly felt I was too fat to have a boyfriend. I don't think anyone told me this but myself, but I believed it to the point that I shut out all potential guys that might have shown interest in me. I actually remember when a male friend came into my work to ask me something, a coworker asked if the guy was my boyfriend. And my first thought was, "What the heck, of course he isn't, who would want to date someone as fat as me?" Instead I gave a simple "no" and wondered how on earth my coworker thought I was "normal" enough to attract the opposite sex. Wow, that's some really disordered thinking there, and is probably why I stayed in my first relationship (which was emotionally abusive) for way too long. Luckily I'm in a better place now.
You're too fat to wear high heels. I've been told how many times it simply either doesn't look good ("hippo on stilts") or is actually dangerous ("your weight will break them")!
These days it's more of a balance issue, but I no longer feel I'm not thin enough to feel entitled.
You're too fat to wear bold nail polish. My mom often drilled it into my head when I was a preteen/teenager that I couldn't wear any nail polish other than light pastel pinks or clear. Bright/bold/dark colors were bad because they'd draw attention to how fat my fingers were. I used to wear a size 10 ring (even back when I was 14 years old!) and it's still shocking to me that I now wear a size 7. But I still see my fingers as these fat little sausages because I can't stop hearing how fat and ugly my fingers supposedly are.
You're too fat to wear a dress. Especially anything with an empire waist. Another thing my mom often drilled into my head was that anything that allowed my stomach to even slightly stick out automatically made me look pregnant, which was the worst possible thing for people to say or think. I still struggle with wearing dresses; I'm still just not comfortable in them and hate the way they make me feel. I'm hoping that'll change one of these days and wish it wasn't so directly related with the shape of my stomach.
You're too fat to work at such-and-such job. This one may sound a little crazy, but it's yet another thing my mom drilled into my head. When I was in junior high, my older brother's girlfriend worked at Bergner's (a department store). Being a typical preteen, I absolutely loved the mall and expressed that it would be so much fun to work at a store like that. My mom told me flat out that I was too fat to be an employee there, that they only hired pretty girls that took care of themselves. I'm sure my mom was trying to provide me with motivation to lose weight, but it only made me feel hopeless about not only myself, but bitter over how others saw me. I think I'm still trying to get over that all these years later.
It probably doesn't help to know that I got passed over job opportunities in the past because of my weight.
You're too fat to be active in public. One of my best friends in high school made the cheerleading squad and she literally stuck out because of her weight. Even though she could do all the moves required, people often gossiped about her, denying there was any way she could have made tryouts on her own. They claimed the only way she got in was because her mom threatened to sue to the school for discrimination (which of course, never happened). To this day I'd be willing to bet that many of our old classmates still remember her as little more than the "fat cheerleader."
And why did I never try out? I was told that if I indeed made it, I'd always be remembered as the "fat cheerleader" too. The feeling still sticks with me whenever I catch myself wanting to do something physical in front of others, like dancing, bowling, swimming, or jogging. I feel like I'm just too fat and will look like an idiot because of it.
I'm working really hard on that again.
You're too fat to make any effort to look pretty. This is something I've had to slowly ease into. I remember just feeling ridiculous trying to look "pretty" or "hot" long before I was familiar with the phrase, "lipstick on a pig." I just felt putting forth any effort into my appearance would be utterly futile. It was especially difficult at my highest weight when I had so few options for clothes, so really, what was the point of makeup, wearing contacts, or doing my hair? I already looked like a slob based on my weight alone, right? It's still a struggle, but with a lot of hard mental work on the subject, it gets a little better over time.
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So do any of your struggle with similar issues? How have you worked through them? What do you still struggle with?
What have you been "too fat" for?
