I'm really struggling today and for the past few days. Not just in keeping to my calorie level, which is true, but just with the whole weight loss thing in general. It's such a mental battle. Like everyone else here, I've gained, I've lost, I've regained and re-lost and just keep this game going.
It doesn't matter where I am on the scale, I have days where I feel strong, capable, in control and slim and days where I feel like a pathetic fat cow that will never be anything but a fat cow. If there was some tie-in with reality, it would help. If I felt "fat" when I truly was or thin only when I am, it might make more sense. But it's really irrelevant. I'm sitting here today at 170lbs which, compared to where I have been is great but yet I feel awful. Why? Why did I feel great before? Sometimes I think that it's not weight that's the problem, but my mental state and I need to learn to just accept myself.
Why am I physically and mentally incapable of eating and being satisfied with 1500 to 1700 calories per day? I'm either on track with 1200 to 1500 and exercising and losing and feeling great or eating 2500 and laying around feeling awful. It should be a pretty obvious choice as to which life I would rather have, so why can't I make those choices all the time? I like healthy food and when I'm doing it, I don't feel deprived and I genuinely like exercise. So, why do I keep having these times when I just want to be a lazy pig? It feels self destructive. Like I want to do something bad for myself. But maybe it's not bad - just indulgent. Does this indulgent behavior make me weak or mean I don't have the proper will power? I think things like eating cookies and going for chips and margaritas is "normal" to most people? So, why when I do those things (that clearly don't fit on my planned calorie budget) do I turn into someone not of normal weight?
I've seen people that are naturally thin and they have the strangest habits that I completely can't relate to. They push away incredibly yummy food because they are "not hungry anymore." Not full, stuffed or otherwise, but just not hungry. What?? It tastes good, right? They aren't on a diet or even thinking about their weight. Just don't want it. They have cookies and ice cream in their kitchens and forget it's there. Huh?? I've realized that the answer to this is that food is just not their problem. Maybe it's something else, but its not food. Someone who smokes or drinks that wants to quit, while it's very difficult, can. But those of us that have eating problems, can't stop eating. We tell alcoholics or people that smoke that you can't have anymore, ever - what if we told them that they could have just one every day but had to stop at that? Could they do it? I doubt it. I'm not trying to compare all of the two addictions, but there is that part of it that makes it so hard.
I remember what it was like to be 225lbs and I don't want to ever go back to that. Really - it was so hard and more than just about vanity - it was about quality of life. So how do I make sure that I won't go back to that when it seems like maintaining a healthy weight is a struggle at best? How do we lose the weight and get to goal for good and stop the endless battles and yo-yos? I guess that's the age old question. I'll be alright - it's just getting to me today. I'm feeling like a hamster on a wheel about to "really swear" that I'm on board "this time" all the while just going in circles.
Hugs and hang in there. I think most people on this site can relate to your feelings, which are excellently explained in your post. It is good to type out those feelings and thoughts and hope it helped you today.
I don't have any answers because I often feel exactly the same and I've never found an answer. It is just that it is necessary to keep at it because we know what happens when we don't keep at it. But some days it is hard.
I don't think things like eating cookies and going out for chips & margs are normal for most slim women. The slender women I know do stuff like that, but very occasionally and usually adjust their diet in other ways to make up for it. They also all run or do sports or work out a couple times a week or more. They're also pretty concious of weight gain - even 5 or 10 lbs is a reason to cut back and get serious about eating right again. Clearly, some people are blessed with naturally quick metabolisms and small appetites, but for the most part thin people work for it all the time. It just doesn't show to the rest of us.
<< Why am I physically and mentally incapable of eating and being satisfied with 1500 to 1700 calories per day? >>
I totally relate. I'm not satisfied with that either. I'm not even satisfied with my 2,000 maintenance calories. But I "push on," to use Krampus's expression, because right now I'd rather be thin than have a completely satisfied stomach. Some day my choices may change (or not).
<<Does this indulgent behavior make me weak or mean I don't have the proper will power?>>
No. It just means that people like you and me get more out of food (whether enjoyment, numbing of feelings, or both) than many other people. In other words, food is our drug, so it's harder for us to say no than it is for people who don't relate to food as a drug.
Take alcohol as a related example. While I have a glass (sometimes two) of wine almost every night, I don't have any alcoholic tendencies. It's something I've always known about myself. I can have booze in the house for months without thinking about it, and I don't turn to it when I'm depressed. Someone with alcoholic tendencies, on the other hand, would be acutely aware of all the liquor in the house and would be waging a constant battle with herself to turn it down. It's not that I have more willpower than such a person has, but that there's less temptation for me to overcome.
<< I think things like eating cookies and going for chips and margaritas is "normal" to most people? So, why when I do those things (that clearly don't fit on my planned calorie budget) do I turn into someone not of normal weight? >>
Nope, not normal for thin adults (as you note yourself in the quoted comment below). The day after a chips & Margaritas evening they may skip breakfast and go light on lunch, or naturally (or deliberately) cut down on their eating for the next few days.
<< I've seen people that are naturally thin and they have the strangest habits that I completely can't relate to. They push away incredibly yummy food because they are "not hungry anymore." Not full, stuffed or otherwise, but just not hungry. What?? It tastes good, right? They aren't on a diet or even thinking about their weight. Just don't want it.>>
One of my good friends is like that and it drives me nuts. She claims to love food and knows the names of all the celebrity chefs in town, but gets full after a few bites! I tease her about it (though in a sense I envy her). Apparently it also drives her husband nuts. She'll decide she just "has to" buy a bag of yummy cookies, then satisfies her yearning after eating one or two. The bag stays in the pantry, beckoning to her husband, who jokingly calls himself "a slim man with a fat guy inside longing to get out."
Yes, that's the secret to being naturally thin: not WANTING to eat very much. The only other secret is boring ol' discipline.
<<I'm not trying to compare the two addictions, but there is that part of it that makes it so hard.>>
Totally agree.
<< So how do I make sure that I won't go back to that when it seems like maintaining a healthy weight is a struggle at best? >>
I wish I had the answer. For the time being, having a fabulous new wardrobe seems to be a pretty good motivator for me. That and exercising consistently, which I never did until now at age 55.
Freelance
Last edited by freelancemomma; 12-11-2012 at 05:52 PM.
I definitely relate to your post, pretty much every single part of it. I definitely haven't found the answers to really ANY of the questions you are asking. And I've always envied those people who just can stop eating when they're not hungry anymore like it's nothing. I can do it with a lot of will power, but I'm always a little bit resentful about having to stop before I'm really done.
Kind of just what Freelance said while quoting Krampus, I kind of just. . . Push on some more.
Some days are HARD, some days are easy! Some days I plan to do XYZ and I do not do even X. I think I try to just have more good days than bad days. It's a struggle at LEAST 50% of the time (it was probably a higher percentage months ago).
I've definitely had tons of days like you're having today. Big hugs!
I just want you to look at your language and the mean things you are saying about yourself. You don't deserve that!
I know what you mean about not being able to abstain from food altogether and how that makes it harder. It's so true. On the other hand we don't have to never taste our favorite foods again. In small quantities, very occasionally, we can have fried sugar. But that is also a little bit like torture. I don't know which is worse, saying goodbye to a substance you adore forever or only being
allowed teaser amounts.
In small quantities, very occasionally, we can have fried sugar. But that is also a little bit like torture. I don't know which is worse, saying goodbye to a substance you adore forever or only being
allowed teaser amounts.
I'm not sure I agree with this. We can have large quantities of fried sugar more than very occasionally -- as long as we compensate for it. Everyone has a different style of weight loss and maintenance. My own style is to indulge fairly regularly and then compensate by eating slightly less for the next couple of days, or to have a single indulgent food (such as a large slab of cheesecake) as my lunch or dinner on occasion. Other people do better with total abstention, still others with the "teasers" you mention. The challenge is figuring out which style suits you best for the long haul.
F.
Last edited by freelancemomma; 12-12-2012 at 09:43 AM.
Thank you to everyone who wrote back! I really appreciate the time you took to help.
I'm doing better - still not on plan, but not as emotional about it. I am going to spend some time thinking about a new plan - one that is more balanced. I might not lose very quickly, but I think you guys are right - there is room for moderation but it comes with adjustments. I've tried a higher calorie goal before and what ends up happening is that I just slip into losing sight of any restriction and I just backslide. But it's not a dramatic backslide like it is when I am on a low calorie goal and then just go crazy eating everything in sight. The progress is motivating and I'm afraid if I don't see much progress that I'll lose focus also. I don't know what the answer is, but giving up and just gaining it all back isn't it either.
Maybe if I come up with a list of trigger foods and try to just eliminate them but stick to an overall calorie goal of 1700 or something, I will be okay?
I have days like this and ask the same questions. Some days are just harder than others. I swore years ago that I would NEVER weigh over 300 pounds again. Then I let myself get all the way to 336 or possibly higher than that, that's the highest weight my doctor has for me - I never weighed at home back then. There definitely were some issues I was having that definitely didn't help, such as having radioiodine treatment for my thyroid to kill it off because it was all out of whack, I quit smoking, was on prednisone for a year and a half because of my RA and I was so depressed, mainly because of my weight. Since I'm a food addict that's what I used to cope with everything. It made me feel better for the moment. They finally got me off of prednisone and got me on a good dosage of thyroid hormone and it has helped a lot. I didn't go back to smoking, but like you said I don't have to smoke a little every day. I do have to eat every day and I am rarely satisfied with a reasonable portion of anything. Losing weight is the hardest battle I've ever had to face and unfortunately it will be a lifelong battle. Sorry to go on and on. I really just wanted to say I feel your pain.
Need some encouragement
