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Old 11-23-2012, 08:25 PM   #1  
Krissy Missy
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Default I can't stand my sister's new boyfriend

Over Thanksgiving my DH, little one, and I traveled up to my hometown (about 4 and 1/2 hours away from where we now live) to spend the holiday with my family. While we were there we had the displeasure of meeting my sister's new boyfriend that she has been dating for the past 4 months. I'll call him "Carl".

Carl is 28. My sister is 19. Carl doesn't have a job, goes to community college part time, smokes pot with my sister and mooches off of her and my mother. He does not have his own vehicle and depends on my sister for transportation. Although there is a consideralbe age difference, his immaturity is astounding. He technically lives with his grandmother, but for all practical purposes he's moved into my mother's house as he spends every night there with my sister. He was attached to her hip the entire time I was there (Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday). I felt uncomfortable staying at my mom's house with him there, as he is crude, overly-familiar, and downright dumb.

For whatever reason my sister is infatuated with him, and was excited to introduce him to me. I wanted to like this guy for her sake, but I just can't. He defines deadbeat, yet my mother likes him and believes he is a "good influence" on my sister. I just don't see it. Both my DH and my dad feel the same way I do (my mom and dad are separated), so it's not just me.

Because my sister is so young, I can't forsee this guy being "the one" or anything like that. I am, however, concerned that my sister will end up pregnant, or with an STD, or that she'll get taken advantage of (even more so than she already has been) by this dirt bag.

What should I do/say? Should I even say anything or just stay out of it? Just the thought of this guy seriously makes me sick to my stomach.
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Old 11-23-2012, 08:35 PM   #2  
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I like to tackle these situations by stating for the record up front that I get an "off" vibe. I try not to say anything too negative, but I find saying you feel something is "off" is the safest bet.

Most likely, something is "off" deep down in your sister's own heart, so saying this plants the seed but doesn't make it so she gets defensive towards you.

It will also enable you to remind her to be careful without going too much into the reasons why, just that she should.

you know what I mean? Subtle, yet effective, because most of the time the person knows the right thing to do but needs to come to terms with that themselves.
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Old 11-23-2012, 10:03 PM   #3  
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she is an adult... its her call to make. And if your mom allows them both to take advantage of her.. that's her call. You live 4+ hours away... no need for you to say anything... you won't see him often enough to matter.
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Old 11-23-2012, 10:05 PM   #4  
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I know what you mean about not liking a siblings significant other....I can't help myself when I get those vibes. Daddy always told me, "Don't trust your eyes...trust your gut." One of my bros wives has always rubbed me wrong. She's made it clear that there are certain members of his family that "below her"...excuse me? I'm not the one that got my brother hooked on crack! Believe in your inner voice! You've been given it for a reason...your safety & the safety of those you love.

I got one question...how does Mom feel about the situation?? Since he is basically living in HER home. Because if sis AND HE are living under her roof, she does have some say regardless of how old sis is! Like he DOES need to contribute (if not financially...he should be DOING CHORES), NO drugs (illegal activity in her home can put HER in a bad even dangerous situation) & lastly SAFE SEX!!!

Safe sex because of the following:
1. Clearly neither your sis or him is not in a position to care for a child.
2. Your mom DOES NOT need to raise a child.
3. Bring a child into a life where your sister is already caring for one "child" is not fair to the child nor to your sister.
If any of these things make anyone uncomfortable, then they are immature beyond belief. So immature that they should NOT be together & really need to "grow the #ELL UP". The quote is from my mom...when she had to have basically this conversation with 1 of my sisters.

I don't know if you can talk to your mom or your sister, but something does need to be done before something does happen...like pregnancy. If she gets pregnant & ends up keeping the child...HE'LL BE A PART OF HER LIFE FOR AT LEAST 18 YEARS. Does she think that he'll become more responsible the longer she is with him? Has she seen anything towards that in 4 months? Kinda doubt it...why would he? He's got it made! Everyone's paying his bills, driving him around & he feels he owes nobody a thing!!! Am I close?
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Old 11-23-2012, 10:21 PM   #5  
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She'll figure it out on her own in time, nothing you say will make her see what you see. Saying anything negative about him will only piss her off, make her defensive and possibly cause her stop talking to you. I'd stay out of it. I've got too much experience in this department.
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Old 11-23-2012, 10:59 PM   #6  
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I'm with the other girls saying to leave it alone. If both your sister and mom don't have a problem with it, nothing you say will change it. You're not there everyday with him, so you might be missing something.

I live far away from my family as well and don't see them regularly and my younger sister got with this dude that I couldn't stand. He's also older, can't hold a job, immature as all h*ll, rude, ignorant.... etc. etc. I made my feelings well known about him and all it did was drive my baby sis away. She married him and they're still together after 15 years. He's still the same dude that I don't really care for, but he loves her and she loves him and that's their life. Just leave them be and let her figure it out on her own.
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Old 11-23-2012, 11:13 PM   #7  
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all you can really do is be there for your sister if everything goes pear shaped...help pick up the pieces so to speak...let her know that you are there for her if she needs it...nothing much you can do.. it is her decision in the long run...just be supportive when she needs it...thats what familys are for...through the good and the bad!!...all the best!!...cheers liz
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Old 11-24-2012, 06:38 AM   #8  
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If you try to put your sister off this man, you will only cause a long-term rift and push her closer to him.
In time your sister will hopefully see how much of a freeloader he is and ditch him.
However I would agree with other posters that the only person who may be able to influenec her is your Mum. She should be laying down some ground rules if he is to stay there. Tricky though........good luck.
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Old 11-24-2012, 08:08 AM   #9  
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I hear your concern about her getting pregnant or ill or whatever, but I think all you can do is hope it doesn't come from this. You sound like you come from a good home and should know about safety.. Your sister should be educated and smart enough to think about this. Him being in college (even part-time) and not having a job probably means that there is no way he's even thinking about kids right now so let's hope they're both careful.

But aside from this, you should allow your sister to make her own mistakes. If he's that bad she'll realise it eventually. Like you said there is a big age difference. She's only 19 now but very soon she will "outgrow" him and realise that he's just not mature enough for her.
My younger sister also has the worst taste in men but I've learned not to meddle. If she's that hung up on him she wouldn't listen to you anyway.

That said, as far as I'm concerned you don't have to pretend to like him either. Sharing your concerns in a very subtle and non-intrusive way might help plant a seed in her mind, like BreathingSpace said.
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Old 11-24-2012, 10:41 AM   #10  
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You don't have to like him, but I would encourage you to hide your feelings and not express your concerns at this time.

Expressing your feelings, especially after spending only three days with him, is going to be dismissed as you being critical and judgemental. She'll ignore everything you say (and even her own better judgement) because "you just haven't given him a chance because you just don't like him."

She's young, but at any age, when your friends and familyh show instant disaproval of your romantic partner, the natural inclination is defensiveness. If you can say, "it bothers me that he doesn't have a job and is so much older, but I'll try to keep an open mind," and can remain polite and friendly (you don't have to pretend to think he's great, just accept him for your sister's sake and let her come to see his faults on her own - you pointing them out isn't going to help).

Even if she comes to you at some point complaining about his faults - don't agree with her and tell her that you never liked him anyway and knew he was a loser - because that too will probably make her defensive. Because when you bash him - you also bash her judgement, her intelligence, and her ability to choose worthy partners. By calling him a loser (even subtly) you call her a loser, and she will defend her choices, even if it means proving you right.

If you LISTEN to her when she does complain (and she will eventually, if he's such a loser) and when she does, ask her questions like "is that something you can see yourself living with in the long term?" In other words, open-ended questions that help get to know him better without being put in a position of having to defend him to you or to herself.


My husband looked like a bit of a "loser" to my family. He's younger than I am, less educated, doesn't dress up (could barely get him to wear dress shoes for our wedding and he was back in tennis shoes for the reception), is loud and opnionated, and has absolutely no tact whatsover. He also has a less goody-two-shoes past than I have (no criminal record whatsoever, but he does talk about his "wild youth" at times which horrified my family).

He's also loyal to a fault, so generous that he will give a friend or even a stranger the shirt of his back, he worships me and can't believe someone as intelligent and beautiful as I am (his words, not mine) loves him. My family doesn't have to love him, because I do.

My family has come to see some of what I love in my husband, but they're mostly still mistified. They "love him" because he's family (ten years now) but they don't like him very much, and visits can sometimes be tense.

The drug use concerns me more than anything, but it's hard to judge out of context. If your Mom isn't concerned about it (assuming she knows - though it would be hard not to from what you say) that makes it sound like your sister isn't new to pot use herself. If she was a regular pot-smoker before meeting him, that's not going to be such a shock to the family.

The rest doesn't concern me so much, because I have a large number of family and friends who married much younger and/or older partners (including a 22 year old cousin who married a 55 year old man, and they've now been married over 20 years). I've seen men and women "grow up" in their 30's and even 40's, and his college attendance suggests that he's at least trying to do something with his life. If he's as dumb as you say, then he may only be able to handle part-time classes.

I do believe that if you keep your criticisms to yourself, your sister will have the best chance of seeing him for who he truly is all-the sooner. Maybe she already does, and she's decided that he's perfect for her, just as he is. Regardless, sharing your feelings is probably only going to alienate her and make her more likely to defend him, not only to you but to herself as well.
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Old 11-24-2012, 07:39 PM   #11  
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kaplods gave an excellent suggestion when she said this:

If you LISTEN to her when she does complain (and she will eventually, if he's such a loser) and when she does, ask her questions like "is that something you can see yourself living with in the long term?" In other words, open-ended questions that help get to know him better without being put in a position of having to defend him to you or to herself.

I think it's really spot on.
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Old 11-26-2012, 12:33 PM   #12  
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At 19 she still probably doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and may be just entering into her adult sexuality. I did a lot of dumb crap at that age, like meeting strange men off the Internet and sleeping with them, having no/low standards, and assuming I knew everything about how the world works.

Your sister will figure it out. I third kaplods' advice of being available to listen, but keeping your own complaints to yourself for now as voicing them might push her into his arms.
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:05 PM   #13  
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Thanks everyone for the thoughtful advice. It helps to have outside perspective from people who aren't involved

@Breathing Space - I like this approach, and I think that if my sister ever asks me what I think I'm going to use your words. Although saying that I get an "off" vibe from him is the understatement of the year, I don't think she'll be too offended and I won't feel like I'm lying to her.

@Mrs Trying Again - "He's got it made! Everyone's paying his bills, driving him around & he feels he owes nobody a thing!!! Am I close? " You're dead on! As for my mom feels about it, she likes Carl. She's been experiencing some significant health problems and I don't think she feels taken advantage of, althought that is certainly what is going on. I think she feels obligated to like this guy because she and my sister have had a strained relationship and by liking him it's made it easier to get along with my sister.

@Novangle & Mountain Walker - That's exactly what I don't want: for her to get defensive and cling to him out of spite or cognitive dissonance or whatever. I just hope she realizes what a tool this guy is before something irreversible happens.

@Kaplods - As always, you give sagely advice! Concerning the drug use, my sister has a medical marijuana card for her migraines (which is laughable, as she's only had migraines a few times a year and gets high daily, the card is to keep her from getting into further trouble with the law as she's had previously in high school, but that's a whole other issue and I digress). I'm worried about the possibility of her getting mixed up in heavier drugs, or mixing drugs with alcohol. I've seen pictures she's posted on facebook and it looks like she "parties" extensively. I'm also worried about her self image, as she's made comments to him about how other people can notice that she's lost weight even if he can't (she is approximately my height and weighs 117 pounds). Obviously weight and body image are very personal things, but I just don't want her to feel as though she isn't thin enough for this guy, or any guy for that matter. I've said to my husband that if Carl has one redeeming quality, it's that he is making my sister happy at the moment. I guess this is one of those situations where only time will tell, I just really, REALLY don't want this guy to hurt her or my mom. The open ended questions you mentioned are a good idea, I'll keep them in mind should she bring up problems with Carl to me.

So, in a nutshell, I think I'll keep my yap closed for now. Honesty is something that is very important to me, and I don't want to pretend to like him for her sake, but I suppose it's possible for me to keep my feelings to myself for the most part without betraying what I really think. Thanks all!
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