This is really a TMI thing but I honestly have no idea who to go to about this or what to do about it.
I have HPV. I found out in April via an abnormal pap. I wasn't showing symptoms then, the next month, or the next month. When I was diagnosed, my doctor told me not to worry about it -- it wasn't a big deal, I could go about life like normal, and that was that. I honestly thought it wasn't something to worry about. So I didn't. Well, last night, I discovered two strings of what I believe is my HPV acting up. Very tiny, something you wouldn't notice unless you were looking for it.
Now here's the problem: my doctor, because in his mind it was a non-issue, told me it wasn't necessary to tell anyone about it. He said it would be like telling someone you had a cold once. This was all fine and dandy at the time because I was not showing symptoms. Well, I've met, started dating, and had sex with my current boyfriend since then. So naturally, this sounds like a perfect time for HPV to turn up, right? (Note sarcasm.) And, I think we can put two and two together here. I didn't tell boyfriend. Not because I wanted to hide it; I honestly thought it wasn't an issue because my doctor made it out to be that way. But now, since I definitely know it's there now, I need to tell him.
I don't know how to go about this. I don't want him to think I lied to him; I really wasn't trying to do that. I was just going by what my doctor told me. And the (I guess) good news is we've been using condoms for the most part, and as far as I know I wasn't showing symptoms the one night we didn't, so I think the likelihood that I gave it to him is low. But I really don't know how to tell him this. I feel like a really horrible person; I should've been upfront about it from the start but I was just so confident that it wasn't going to be an issue.
You need to fess up and tell him. While HPV in many cases is harmless, and may even clear up on its own, it also can lead to loss in fertility, genital warts, and increase in likelihood of cancerous cells.
I say tell him EXACTLY what you told us: that you weren't showing symptoms and that your doctor told you it was a non-issue. Tell him you don't know for sure if that diagnosis has changed, but that you and he should both get tested. You're adults who engaged in sexual contact, something that is never without risk, he's aware you had prior partners, I take it? It's always good practice to get your partner's sexual history. If he gets angry at you then he's not being mature about it, especially when you explain that a medical professional suggested that it wasn't an important issue. If that doctor was right or not, I don't know, I find it strange that he would advise you not to share information about any STI, no matter how trivial.
If he isn't infected, have him get immunized for it. Problem solved. If he has been infected (and, really, because symptoms show up so rarely, he might have been infected by a previous partner and not known it) then there are options he can discuss with his health care provider.
I'm surprised at your doctor. HPV is an STD. Some strains cause genital warts, other strains cause cervical cancer and other types of cancer. Guys can carry it, and pass it on to other women. Your BF needs to be told so that he can take steps to protect future sexual partners, and you need to be up front with your future partners as well.
I don't even know how to go about bringing it up to my boyfriend. I'm really scared he's going to break up with me; he's had major trust issues with previous girlfriends and I really don't want him to think I'm just like them. I feel like a horrible person.
You wanted to tell this person you loved them a few days ago. If you love him, then you should want him to be healthy, even at the cost of some unpleasantness.
Lay the blame on your doctor, tell your boyfriend you didn't mention the HPV on advise from your clinician. Tell him that you discovered something was amiss now and that you're seeking a second opinion.
I have HPV, and my (now husband) also has it, we are not sure who give it to whom, because I never had an abnormal pap smear in my LIFE until a few months AFTER we started dating, having sex, etc. We both had genital warts as a result of the HPV. We didn't play the "blame game" because neither of us knew who had it and passed it onto the other person. Now, just to calm yourself down, MEN are not at risk for cancer if they carry HPV or have warts. It's only us women that have to worry about it. I had warts for a few months and then suddenly they just disappeared overnight. The Doc told me that your immune system can fight off the warts. Yes I still have the virus, but my warts have never reappeared, and that was over 2 years ago. My hubby still has warts but will need to have them removed.
Basically, I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN. Yes it's embarrassing, but hopefully your BF will be understanding.
find another Doctor NOW. How incredibly irresponsible of a clinician to advise you in such a morally inappropriate way. If your Doc is that irresponsible on this issue what else are they doing that's ethically questionable. Find a new doc, get checked again, have your records with you so they can test for a new strain of HPV, you might be dually infected and it might be your new partners strain that has caused an eruption. And, TALK to your boyfriend about it ASAP. He deserves to know, for his health and the health of anybody who might be his current or future sexual partners (never assume monogamy).
HPV is by far the most common STI and isn't a "dealbreaker" for most people. Just be honest and upfront with him, no activity until the flare goes away, keep us posted!
The doctor that gave me my colposcopy (the one that told me all this) is not the regular doctor I see that gives me pap smears, I go to a midwife for that. I'm taking the necessary precautions; I'm going Thursday to get it checked out and to make sure that what I think is an outbreak is actually an outbreak and get it removed.
I plan on telling my boyfriend exactly what I told y'all, and I just hope like IDK what that he doesn't think negatively of me for it. I really didn't want to do this to him and I feel like an *******. I honestly thought it wasn't an issue.
Edit: just want to get y'alls' opinion: but would it be wrong for me to act like this is the first time it's popped up when I tell him? Part of me would feel guilty for lying, but it would escape the fact that I already knew upon having sex with him. That's really the part I'm worried about -- not telling him that I have HPV, but the fact that I had sex with him prior to telling him I had it. I feel like he's going to think I hid it from him on purpose. I wish I wasn't such an idiot sometimes.
Last edited by mimsyborogoves; 07-10-2012 at 07:35 PM.
In all honesty, at this point he deserves to know the whole truth. You knowingly jeopardized his health and it may be a painful lesson to learn, but I feel it's selfish to not tell him everything. So far you knowingly withheld important information and now are wanting to lie to him. If you were coming on asking advice about a guy that had done the same to you, I'd be telling you to bail and bail fast. Not a healthy, mature relationship.
Do what you want but you should tell the truth and not lie, and that's what it is, a lie. If you build your relationship based on lies is it a good healthy relationship? Will it last? Get it all out on the table, and honestly, can you blame him if he breaks it off?
You're right. I guess I'm just trying to figure out an easy way to handle this. I told him I wanted to use condoms up front, but all I said was because we didn't know each other very well and I wanted to be safe (I wasn't really ready to tell him yet). But then one night we were mid-act, and he wanted to take it off, and in the heat of the moment I forgot about my condition and let him go on with it. And really, up until now that's how much of a non-issue it's been -- I never think about having it because up until I found what I think is an outbreak, it was like I never had the virus to begin with, which is another reason why I didn't think I needed to tell him. It wasn't an issue for me, so I didn't think it was going to be an issue for him -- why worry him about things unnecessarily?
Do y'all think I'm a bad person for not telling him?
Would it be better to do it in person? I'd prefer to do it in person but I don't know when the next time I'm going to see him is... and I will have had my doctor's appointment by them. I almost feel like I should go ahead and call him and do it over the phone but I don't want to do that. Ugh.
Tell him everything, and it's okay to say that you were worried to tell him but also that your doctor told you in the beginning that it was "no big deal"... but at the same time that you want to let him know now.
I went through something similar... long story short, I had an abnormal pap, dr thought it might be HPV, had colpo and it was confirmed, visited a friend later on that year who took advantage of me (forcefully), told boyfriend everything including the friend (boyfriend knew about the HPV before) but then somehow boyfriend thought I was cheating and that I had gotten HPV from cheating (that was a fun day...not...). When I got into a new relationship, I was very straightforward with talking about HPV before we talked about being intimate. We're getting married now with our first baby on the way, so I guess you could say it worked out!
If saying the words is what kind of intimidates you or worries you, you can write down what you want to say and either (a) read it to him or (b) give it to him to read.
*hugs* Don't worry about what you think he's thinking. Sometimes that just makes it worse because then you have these imaginary conversations in your brain with the other person that freaks you out!!!! Just be honest with him. That's what relationships are about.
TMI thread. I have a problem. (long)
