I am just starting on the path towards WLS. I have met with a doctor and a dietician. I have spoke with insurance. The next required step is to attend an "Informational Meeting". It will be held next Thursday July 12.
The paper I got said it was me and my significant other. My hubby will be at work (although he may try to take off). My hubby is very supportive of this decision. Although, I think it is because he thinks this is 'the easy way'. He is clueless about weight loss! He has never had to lose an ounce, and has in fact been told by doctors to gain weight.
HOWEVER- My mother has been less than supportive. Telling me of "people" who have had WLS and had everything from hiccups to hernias and diarhea to death and everything in between. For a woman who has succh a small social circle I am surprised she knows THAT MANY people. I know there are risks, but there are risks to weighing over 300 lbs too.
So finally...my question. Should I invite Mom to come along to the informational meeting? Do you think there is anything covered at that meeting that would put her at ease or change her mind? Or do you think her negativity towards the surgery would just be a big downer to the whole group (and me)?
I think it really depends. Different presenters/practices have very different presentations. I went to two when choosing a surgeon, and one was MUCH better than the other. The "other" was extremely UNHelpful, and I really felt I learned absolutely nothing by attending. The better one was much more informative and less "sales-pitchy." Someone closed-minded to WLS may have benefitted from the better one, while the other one wouldn't have helped at all.
God Love my Mother...but she will find a way to shoot holes in whatever someone says if she disagrees. I really want (even need) her on board before I actually have surgery. Which I know is a fairly long way out.
The thing she keeps repeating (like a broken record)
"People have the surgery, then they have to 'eat special' the rest of their lives to lose weight and keep it off. So why not just 'eat special' and skip the surgery. Surgery is just a way for the doctors to make money. Find out what / how you will have to eat after surgery and eat that way if that's what you think you want to do."
Kate - In general, it might be a good idea for your mom to learn more about the surgery. However, as Jilly suggested, it might be best for you to go to the informational meeting ALONE [or maybe with a friend if your husband can't go], and take your mother to a later one. you can always go to more than one of these meetings. in fact, you should so that you can talk to as many post-ops as possible.
this next Q isn't meant to be at all rude, but i realize that it may come out that way. here goes. you said that you need your mom to be supportive - and that you need her on board with this. Why? [and BTW, it really doesn't matter what your answer is - as long as you understand what you want your mom to do in the way of support.
are you hoping that she'll babysit the kids while you recover? or maybe that she'll serve WLS-friendly options for you while you heal and re-learn everything you ever knew [or thought you knew] about food and eating? or that she'll be your partner in this?
the answers you give will help you decide whether or not to take your mom to an informational meeting. if, for example, you might want her to be your partner, you may need to take it a step further and have her meet with your doc and perhaps go to a couple of support meetings in addition to the information meeting. BUT, from what you've said, you might not be able to get her to move to this.
I'm not sure i saw what form of WLS you're looking into. Gastric bypass and duodenal switch involve malabsorption, which means vitamin supplements. lapband and vertical gastrectomy are restrictive, and maybe not so many vitamins.
So, I'm not sure what she means by 'eating special.' small meals? yes. higher protein? yes. lower carbs? yes [but not ZERO carbs, and an emphasis on healthier carbs].
IMO, this doesn't qualify as 'special.' After all, it's just that we generally eat a smaller portion of the general dietary recommendations, with a bit more protein. Now, if she wants to talk about supplements for life, that's a different story.
Let's be honest - do you - or your mother - know ANYONE in the US who truly eats anything and everything they want without gaining weight? I sure don't. everyone keeps an eye on what they're eating and how they're exercising, and everyone makes choices.
The seminar that I went to was most definitely a sales-pitch informational meeting, with very little negative press given to the two surgeries they perform: lapband and RNY. They never mentioned the VSG or DS, nor did they discuss long-term concerns with living with the surgeries they perform, like Reactive Hypoglycemia.
The program I used is considered a Center of Excellence practice and the surgeon has very positive feedback, yet there are many things that I now find questionable about the program. While I do not regret my surgery, please realize that the center you use is trying to sell you a service and go forward with that in mind. Don't necessarily believe everything they tell you.
Regarding your mother, I would probably NOT take her, but then again, I don't feel the need to justify my decisions to others and wouldn't want to deal with defending my choice all night. If you find it to be very helpful and they address the concerns your mom has, you could always take her to the next one. They typically have Q/A sessions at the end of the meeting, where her specific concerns could be addressed.
To the answer the question Why I want or need her support...What I need is for her to NOT try and find every little negative thing she has EVER heard about WLS and throw it in my face. I need her to NOT suggest a Blizzard or an Applebee's Blondie anytime we go shopping. I NEED to know that when I do have this done she will be at the hospital (which I know she will) and IF I have any complications she WON'T lay on the "I TOLD YOU SO" treatment.
I did talk with her last night. I think she is just scared. My Aunt and Uncle had friends, a married couple and both of them were obese. I can't say for sure their weight, but I would guess they were both over 500 pounds and maybe close to 600. Both had WLS (this was in the late 70's) both dies with in 12 years of their surgery. HOWEVER, I pointed out to my mom they both had other health issues. She couldn't remember if their death were surgery related or not, nor could I. She couldn't say if they followed the doctors orders after surgery. I know they both drank regularly too. I would say 2 to 4 cocktails every night. I pointed all these things out to her, I could see her wheels turning.
She said a woman we both worked with had WLS years before I started I working with her, probalby late 70's to early 80's). She lost minimal weight and then regained. I know when I worked with "Lulu" (not her real name) she said many times, "I'll eat what I want we all have to die of something.' IMO I don't think she ever would have been a good canidate for WLS because of her attitude.
The other thing mom said is, "I have just never heard of anyone who has had the surgery and said, 'I am sure glad I did that. It was once of the best things I ever did!'" To that I said..."Log on to 3 Fat Chicks, read the stories, do some research."
I explained to here it has come a long way since the "old days" of WLS. While I don't have studies to back this therory up, common sense tells me it is better to have the surgery at 300 lbs rather than 500 lbs. Meaning if I do it now rahter than wait, and gain more weight (which I am afrraid will happen) I have a better chance of success and should have few complications.
To address what she mean by "eat special" is find out how (weather it be calories, serving size, types of foods to eat/stay away from) post surgery and do that now. Not have surgery. If I eat that way I will lose weight and if I can't stick to that I shouldn't have the surgery because it won't work if I don't stick to it.
I explained a smaller stomach, combined with malabsorptions, hormonal changes etc. will help me eat the smaller portion and feel full. She still isn't buying that...I got the Mom Eye Roll
Kate - you've hit EVERY one of the main points, including the fact that WLS has come a long way over the decades. and you're right - it IS better to have surgery at 300 pounds than at 500 pounds. Although many surgeons will say that we can lose as much weight as we want to or need to, they'll also say in the next breath that we may very well hit a set point.
A 'success' in WLS is considered losing half of your excess weight. So, if you're 300 pounds, and you should be 150 pounds, you would have 150 pounds to lose. Losing 75 pounds would be considered 'successful,' and you'd weigh 225. And, of course, many people lose more, but some lose less.
if you weigh 500 pounds and you should weigh 150, you have 350 pounds to lose, and half of that is 175, leaving you at a weight of 325.
Yeah, i'd rather have my body settle at 225 than at 325!
but i also have to add that my main reason for having surgery was NOT to lose the weight, but because it gave me the best possible chance for keeping it off. the years of yo-yoing had wrecked my metabolism, and nothing worked. that's a really important point. just 'following the diet' doesn't really work.
right after RNY surgery, we're consuming about 300-400 calories. for months. can you do that? seriously? no one can.
you're right - you and your mom may have to agree to disagree and you may have to set some ground rules with her. I'd like to think that she'd do some research on the subject.
Aren't moms fun? I have two moms in my life and within months of my surgery, both of them ended up living within 30 miles of me and each other. It's really making holidays and family visits a giant mess.
My own mother is very supportive - in fact, she was my dad's support surgeon for his surgery (MGB - mini-gastric bypass) and then was mine, since my hubby started a new job a week before my surgery date. She knows more about ghrelin and bypasses and vitamins than any non-op I know. She even keeps me supplied with foods I can eat, and she is aware that those foods may change from week to week. But until she sat through a few classes, she didn't really get it. It took having a guy with "M.D." behind his name to explain to her about hormones, malabsorption, and potential post-op issues for her to get fully on board.
My mother-in-law, God love her, doesn't get it at all. She loves skinny people and she wants me to get that way, but she just doesn't get surgery. Every time I see her she asks if I'm hungry. Some of it is just cultural disconnect - my daughter is vegetarian by medical necessity, and Grandma kept trying to feed her burgers and bacon. So it's not just me. But she is convinced that if people would just eat better and go for a walk, they'd get skinny. Because she is naturally thin, she has no idea.
My July 4 was me not keeping anything down all day (stress, most likely), but trying to make my own tiny dishes; my mom all worried that I wasn't keeping anything down; kiddo and I trying to explain that you have to grill the veggie burgers BEFORE you grill the meat ones or the urea from the meat will get into the veggies (kiddo can't have uric acid - kidney stones); how cheese is good for me, bad for her; and how no, I'm not hungry, I am not going to starve to death, and no, really, neither of us wants a hot dog. Sweet tap-dancing Moses on a cracker.
And I'm not especially high maintenance as a rule. Gack.
All that tl;dr post is to say that your mom might really get on board after a seminar, or she might not. If she does, awesome. Makes life easier. If she doesn't, will that keep you from having surgery? For me, it wouldn't. I'm always going to have to deal with people who don't understand my stomach or my weight. I just traded "ooohhh, why don't you just eat right and get thin" for "aren't you hungry? I'd just be hungry all the time if I ate like that", and I'm okay with that.
Good luck with your journey toward health! It's pretty exciting. What surgery are you looking at?
First off if my mother doesn't get on board NO it won'T stop me from having surgery. I have rolled this idea around in my head for years before I finally decided yes I should do this. I don't know how to explain it other than it just feels like what I need to do.
I still have not told my best friend; I am sure she won't like the idea; but I know she will do her best to support me. But i am only going to take on one battle at a time!
When my MIL was alive both her and my mother were in the same town. SIX Miles AWAY! Yes holidays were crazy! Yours sounds like mine on food issues, only my MIL was not thin. But she was clueless as to how many calories things had in them. And she loved to feed people. I remember one holiday she said, "Kate i know you are dieting so I made a fruit salad for dessert." Well her "Fruit salad" was made from blueberry pie filling, cream cheese and cool whip. Then she cried when I didn't eat it. I truly don't miss those days!!
I posted in another post that I was looking into RYN, but have myself open to other options. I have been doing lots of research!
Informational Meeting- Should I bring Mom?
I have two moms in my life and within months of my surgery, both of them ended up living within 30 miles of me and each other. It's really making holidays and family visits a giant mess.
