Sorry, this may be long. I haven't been on the forum in a long time. Back in Jan/Feb I was extremely motivated and doing everything that I needed to do and lost a little bit. And then I got frustrated and fell apart. But minimally I still went to my trainer once a week. But I wasn't eating right or doing any more exercise. So it was helping me to maintain but that was about it.
Well probably about a month and a half ago, I think I started to snap out of it. I was at least going to the gym one more time a week (total of 2 a week), and I was getting better at eating. Not great. But better. I battle depression pretty bad as well and I noticed that this was finally lessening (with the aid of meds and therapy) around that same time as well...obviously a link which I think everyone knows. And then about 4 weeks ago I began to notice that I liked a boy. I say boy, he's actually 7 years older than me, but I feel like I'm 14 again. I've actually known him for about 10 years through work. So not really closely, but I really respect him and know that he really respects me. And we've been working more closely together for like 6 months. And then all of a sudden 4 weeks ago I realized that I really cared about what he thought of me and it was a light bulb moment that I saw him in a totally new way.
So I'll skip forward a bit with some cliff notes. We both travel a lot on separate projects. So for the past 3 weeks, we've been chatting over skype. At first it was just during the work day, but not about work. And then it would start happening at random hours of the day. And it's not chatting like delving into our soul's. It's chatting about silly stuff, books, movies, music, but through it all I realized how MUCH we have in common. It's crazy that I didn't know any of this before. But I know it now which makes this situation harder.
So now I'm at this cross roads. 'Talking' to him has made me so energized that I worked out 6 days last week which I've never done and I ate really well. But I've realized is it going to be too little too late? I've actually almost made it to 200 which I love and am excited about. So I want to keep that momentum going forward. But in the big scheme of things, I still look obese and to me unattractive. And any time in the past when I've liked a guy, it's never gone anywhere because of attraction or lack there of on their part. And this situation feels so familiar. The guy likes talking to me because I'm funny and smart and am on the same wavelength as they are. But then in person, they remember what I look like and that's where it ends.
I had one friend (who is thin and skinny) told me to use this as motivation for weight loss. And even if it doesn't' work out at least I got some benefit from it. She also, almost flat out said, that she didn't think I would ever get him because he's fit and wouldn't be attracted to me. She actually made it sound like I'd never get any man at this weight. But outside of her, should he really be my motivation? In my opinion I want to do this for me and I have been doing this for me. But it's a long slow process and I hate the fact that I've stumbled upon someone I'd like to get to know better, but doubt that he'd ever feel the same. So if/when I finally lose a lot more weight is it even going to matter at that point? Because he's seen me at this weight and gotten to know me at this weight. Would he ever find me attractive even if I'm thinner?
Ugh, I don't know. I know what all the books say and that he should love me for me....blah, blah, blah. But living it is a totally different story, and I've been here before and it's never worked out and I've been crushed. I'm not really sure what my question is. Maybe I just want to hear other people's opinion/experiences. But this just feels like a chicken and egg situation. Does the weight loss help me get the guy or does getting the guy help me work towards the weight loss because I'm feeling better and loved? I just have no idea. But I've realized that I'm so over the fact that weight always plays into my relationships. I'm just so tired of it ever being a factor. So minimally, maybe that will keep me motivated regardless of him.
Who says he's NOT attracted to you? I have guys who are attracted to me and I weigh WAY more than you do. In my experience, most dudes who spend a lot of time talking to you are probably at least interested in being friends, and that's something. He might even be interested in being more. The truth is, you'll never know if you don't try. But as far as him being "motivation" for weight loss, that's NOT a good idea. If your weight is the thing that turns him off after getting to know you, then he's not WORTHY of you. BTW, your "friend" who told you this, she's NOT your friend. A friend builds you up, not tears you down.
If a guy doesn't like you because of your weight, he's not worth your time.
I was friends (classmate) with this guy who was attractive, very fit, and smart. I met his girlfriend and she was not what you would expect in terms of physical beauty -- she was overweight, very. But her personality was amazing! Once I knew her, I knew instantly why he was with her (and they are still together).
My weight has gone up and down (never really dieted, just stuff with my PCOS) and that has never stopped me from finding a relationship. I have gone out with very fit (Marines!) men and with overweight guys -- both for me AND the guys, it's been about the whole package. Liking the guy not only for their physical, but also their personality, their spirituality, their intelligence, their humor, etc.
This can happen at ANY weight.
Whether this guy likes you or not romantically should NEVER be a factor with your weight. Your weight may make you feel insecure, that's YOUR issue.
What you have to remember is that even if you are at your perfect weight, that does NOT guarantee that you can find a lasting romantic relationship -- I have a friend who weighs 120 lbs soaking wet and she hasn't been in a romantic relationship in YEARS. She doesn't even get asked out -- and she looks great. It's not about her weight (I love her, but she is not easy....).
Losing weight may have some men approach you that otherwise would not have approached you before -- but that doesn't mean that you will find them attractive or worth your time.
With this work guy, I would focus on enjoying his company but not necessarily trying to jump into a relationship -- not because of your weight or because you think he may not like you, but because he is a guy at work. You need to be careful when you dip your pen in the company ink!
If he makes you feel good about yourself and you want to go to the gym extra, sure, take advantage of it. But remember that your motivation at some point, has to come from within... because these new feelings are great, but they aren't going to last forever, even if you end up dating him!
I was 230lbs when I met my husband and 10lbs heavier when I married him, and he has loved me, and been attracted to me all the way up to 280. A man of quality cares primarily about who you are, and not the package its wrapped in.
It sounds like your friend has some issues about her weight and attractiveness. Perhaps deep down she thinks that her body is what attracts men and feels like no one would be attracted to her for who she is.
Sounds like the first bit of weight you need to lose is your "friend". If you have issues with depression, that's definitely not a healthy relationship.
I'm just getting serious about weight loss and I've been married for almost 5 years. My husband has loved me and been hot for me before and now. He supports me losing weight and never shamed me when I gained. He's the right guy for me.
The idea that we should just fall in love with who a person is and not their looks does not compute with me. I BETTER be attracted to the person I am sleeping with, married to and growing old with. It may not be hot passion all the time, but attraction is important. So if a guy is not attracted to me because of my weight, height, or any other reason, he is simply not the man for me. No one is right or wrong.
You enjoy his company which is great. I think continue to enjoy it for what it is, but really focus on yourself, your process and health. Find a way to own it and surround yourself with more supportive people.
Throughout high school and the beginning of college, I hovered around the border of overweight and obese - so, solidly fat. I never had much difficulty finding partners, and not only that, everyone I dated then was a great person who treated me well and liked me for me. My best friend, a gorgeous size 4 with hourglass curves, would complain to me, "Everyone you date is so smart and kind and interesting. How come I never meet people like that?" I shrugged - I didn't really have any advice for her. It wasn't hard for me to meet quality people.
Then I went to Russia to study abroad, and between all the walking and a distaste for the Russian cuisine, I came home not fat for the first time in my life. And I had so much male attention, I was overwhelmed and flattered. I went on lots of dates, and though these guys acted interested at first, they didn't really care about my thoughts or opinions at all - they were just trying to get in my pants. All of them. It seemed like I was suddenly submerged in a sea of *******s.
"This was easier when I was fat," I whined at my sagely size 16 friend.
"Of course it was - you had the Fat Filter. ******* were automatically sorted away, no effort required. Before, the only guys interested in you were actually interested in YOU. The guys who just wanted to bang a hot chick - they went after your size 4 friend. You got the guys who were more interested in being with someone smart and funny than someone thin. Now, you have both groups interested in you, and no experience differentiating."
This guy is clearly interest in you - he's not skyping you just to be nice or because he has nothing better to do. He likes you. The Fat Filter removes 90% of fit guys from your dating pool, this is true. But you don't need all the guys. You just need one.
"Now, you have both groups interested in you, and no experience differentiating."
God that really hit home. I'm in my late 20's and have never had a serious relationship. I was SO shy and insecure about my body all through high school and college that I never even dated. Now I weigh the exact same I did in college, but my confidence is a lot higher (for various reasons, including a dash of 'well eff it, who really cares what anybody thinks') and suddenly I'm being asked out. In my entire life I'd never been asked out by a guy. Then about 6 mos ago they start popping out of the woodwork. I don't know what to do - I'm freaked out, unsure of how to handle even basic things like flirting and dating. It's pretty bad.
I'd say, being fat doesn't preclude getting guys. It's a lot more about confidence. So hey, definitely use this as motivation to work out / lose weight - if you're anything like me, it'll give you confidence WHILE you're still overweight. Which is far more important.
Honestly, I still wish I could get with the one guy who liked me when I was fat(ter) (and who is unfortunately already taken). Knowing someone sees you for something beyond your physical appearance is the best feeling in the world.
I met my fiancé online 8 years ago. Like, not a dating site - we met on a game we both played (an MMO). We started out as friends, playing together all the time. He lived in California and I lived in Arkansas. Something funny is, he never really asked me to be his girlfriend or anything - it just happened over time. I enjoyed talking to him so much and he me. We would stay up until early morning hours, just talking. Look forward to each other getting online, etc. This continued for a long time and one day I did tell him I was overweight and diabetic. He never asked, I just felt like he should know - because if he had a problem with that, I was already deep in trouble because I was in love. He didn't care. Fast forward through years of phone talking / skyping / gaming / etc, he flew from California to Arkansas to live with me. I was about 220-230 when his plane landed and we saw each other for the first time without flattering camera angles. And he didn't care, I didn't care - we just kinda fell into to each others arms and squeezed and cried and kissed. Our emotional bond is too powerful for much of anything else to matter. He's much taller than me, and super skinny, eat anything and not gain weight. I'm short and fat. we probably look silly together. It doesn't matter. We've been living together for nearly 3 years now, we're engaged, and we still play games together and still have that emotional connection.
My point of my story is, emotional connections can null everything else. It's so important and to say he won't like you because you're fat an he's not is silly, especially if the two of you are connecting on a level greater than physical to begin with. To **** with people telling you he won't like you because you aren't skinny. Believe it or not it really doesn't matter when you just connect with someone on a greater level.
Thanks everyone for the support/stories. I think my other issue is just patience. I want to just wait this out and see where it goes. I am enjoying what I have now. But this doesn't happen to me that often and I just want to know if it even has a possibility to go anywhere. I guess one of the good things is that he's never made me feel like I was overweight like some other guys do. And maybe that's why I'm more comfortable with him. But then when he's busy or doesn't respond to me, then my mind immediately goes to, oh he's already gotten bored or is not interested in me becasue i look disgusting. I don't think about the fact that he might actually be tired or do something other than talk to me. That all just comes down to patience. I've never had it. I would love to hope for the best and find someone who would love me now the way that I am. Because I do feel like it would take some of the stress off of weight loss and make it more about my health than looks. But maybe because I don't understand why anyone would like me the way I am then I don't ever let myself it would believe that it's possible. I don't know. In the end, the skyping has already lessened. Who really knows why. :-) Not sure if it will pick up again, but now I feel a bit desparate waiting around. Sometimes it just sucks being a girl. I just don't want to let potential disappoint be a reason that I lose momentum. It's just that these past few weeks have been so much fun. I just want it to keep going and I'm worried that very shortly it won't anymore. And that just sucks. In the end, I'm just really tired of constantly thinking that it's my weight that is affecting the outcome of these situations. I just want to will that potential factor away. :-)
I've thought about this subject a lot. I feel like if you're fat and you are in a relationship, it's more like "the real deal" because the person loves you despite your weight. Yet, if you think about it, most of the world is shallow. If a man won't date you because of your weight, then it is not true love. I've always wondered if many relationships are based on "true love" or just lust or physical attraction. It's really a sad thought.
Anyways, I'm at the highest weight I've ever been and I have a steady relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. When I met him I weighed about 275ish. During the first two years I've gained 20 pounds and he still loves me. It's actually funny because he's terrified of me being stick thin (and I don't want to be that way) so I settled on a weight that is healthy but won't turn me into a twig.
I'd see how it goes. It is possible to have a meaningful relationship when you're on the bigger side. Actually, I've found that most relationships involving a bigger significant other are more successful in general.
Here's the problem with using a man as motivation for weight loss: if things go south, you lose your motivation. I was dating a guy for almost 2 years (who turned out to be a huge douche/a**hole/scumbag/etc) and when he left me, it completely derailed my weightloss. It took me almost 6 months to finally get back on the wagon. Yes, part of that was just the emotional burden of losing someone I thought I loved. But another huge part was that I was losing weight for him. I wanted to be pretty for him, and make him more sexually attracted to me. When he was gone, I couldn't help think "What's the point?". So you have to be careful with using him as specific motivation. Or rather, don't make him the focus of it. As a fun added bonus to your weightloss, though, that's fine. :P
I've read the responses and how a guy should love you for you, for who you are and not the package you're wrapped in. But in life, there is a reality. People are attracted to different things. This fit guy might not be attracted to fat girls and only noticed you since you started slimming down. Or maybe he noticed you because you are interested in health and fitness. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't know why we think of people as shallow if they pay attention to looks. Sorry, I don't think fat guys are attractive, and I'm not a shallow woman. Now if I got to know a fat guy, who knows what would happen. But based on surface only, it's a whole other story.
Likewise, a guy who's attracted to a fat woman might not be attracted to a skinny one. You might meet Mr. Wonderful who loves you for who you are on the inside now, and find himself less attracted to you or even threatened by your shape when you lose the weight. It goes both ways.
So my point is, you are taking a leap no matter what you do or who you are when you get in to a relationship. If we are lucky, we find that guy who loves us no matter what size we are.
Personally, I would just not get involved with someone I work with. Then if it doesn't work out, in this job market.... awkward and painful. But that's me. I'm always playing it safe. However, over time who knows where this thing is going to go. Just take it a day at a time. And quit fretting when he's not around! Keep yourself busy with your own interests and try to change the way you talk to yourself (which you said you try to do. It's not always about you and your weight, he could just be busy).
And why not use this to motivate you? I see nothing wrong with it. Nothing like the attraction of the opposite sex to push you forward. I'm telling you this as a married woman. My husband (who has loved me through all stages of fat and thin for 17 years) loves my new shape as I work out and become fit, and I really want to keep improving on that. I want to be hot, not just for me but for him. The fact that other men have noticed me too is also really helpful. I like how it feels, so it makes me want it more. I don't know if there is something wrong with that. Even if there were, it doesn't matter. It's working for me, so I'm going to use it.
I've read the responses and how a guy should love you for you, for who you are and not the package you're wrapped in. But in life, there is a reality. People are attracted to different things. This fit guy might not be attracted to fat girls and only noticed you since you started slimming down. Or maybe he noticed you because you are interested in health and fitness. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't know why we think of people as shallow if they pay attention to looks. Sorry, I don't think fat guys are attractive, and I'm not a shallow woman. Now if I got to know a fat guy, who knows what would happen. But based on surface only, it's a whole other story.
THIS!! Thank you! Honestly, I think some of the posters are being WAY too harsh - yes, people are not going to like someone because they are overweight - doesn't make them shallow or anything. The first thing someone sees is the outside packaging, NOT your personality. You can't help who you are attracted to!
Yes, in time you can come to develop feelings for someone who INITIALLY you weren't attracted to b/c you got to know them but come on, let's not be so harsh. My husband is really fit - it's important to him. He works out, eats right, doesn't smoke etc. If he were single, he would go for someone like-minded. I know know my husband loves me, no matter what weight I am at or will be at [or have been] because he knows all of me - he's been w/ me through the weight gains, smoking, etc., but if we were strangers and I was still overweight & smoking...nope. Can I blame him? No. Why wouldn't he want to find someone with like-minded interests? I wouldn't date a smoker ...I don't think that makes me shallow.
NOW - all I'm saying is there is nothing wrong if someone is not attracted to someone overweight - that's NOT AT ALL to say he's not attracted to you BECAUSE you are overweight. Obviously there are millions of people who are attracted to qualities of a person immediately regardless of their weight. Some people prefer someone heavier to someone thinner. Spending time with someone can also show you/them in a different light. So spending time with this guy could be building up to more than friendship/attraction if it wasn't there initially.
I also don't see the harm in using this for motivation - heck you should use ANYTHING you can for motivation. If you are working out 1 day/wk and this causes you to push it up to 6...seriously?? Yea, keep doing what works.
THIS!! Thank you! Honestly, I think some of the posters are being WAY too harsh - yes, people are not going to like someone because they are overweight - doesn't make them shallow or anything. The first thing someone sees is the outside packaging, NOT your personality. You can't help who you are attracted to!
I don't see how anyone was being harsh, to be honest. And I have to disagree with not liking someone because they're overweight NOT being shallow. I've gone on dates with different types of guys, NOT because of the way they look, but because they seemed sweet. I've learned that just because something's shiny and beautiful doesn't mean it's necessarily better than something that's not quite as beautiful. It's the content of your soul that matters, not the package it comes in. You can get a pair of dirty socks wrapped in beautiful, glittery paper but, guess what, it's still gonna be a dirty pair of socks.
I don't see how anyone was being harsh, to be honest. And I have to disagree with not liking someone because they're overweight NOT being shallow. I've gone on dates with different types of guys, NOT because of the way they look, but because they seemed sweet. I've learned that just because something's shiny and beautiful doesn't mean it's necessarily better than something that's not quite as beautiful. It's the content of your soul that matters, not the package it comes in. You can get a pair of dirty socks wrapped in beautiful, glittery paper but, guess what, it's still gonna be a dirty pair of socks.
I think we all deserve to be with someone who loves us for who we are AND lusts after us. I was reading recently about the aftermath of marriages after one person has a gastric bypass. It is interesting because the divorce rate post surgery is very high. I saw an article interviewing men whose wives had the surgery and then left them. Interesting how the men went on and on about how they loved their wives for who they are and not their looks. But how dissatisfying I think it would be for looks not to be a factor in my partner's attraction to me. They really love my personality and my soul? That's wonderful. But I need to see some lust. Now with two kids at home and being busy with life, that one lustful look from my husband can make my day.
What came first...the man or the weight loss?
