Have you deliberately missed a family event due to your weight gain?
To make the long story short, I decided, today, to skip out on my sister-in-law's baby shower next month. Why? Here are my reasons:
1. All relatives on my mom's side of the family and most on my dad's side of the family will be there. I've gained a lot of weight since last seeing everyone about 3.5 years ago. Most of my relatives are mean/rude and do not filter their negative comments about my weight. I come from a South Asian family and if you aren't a size 6 or below, then you are fat and people think it's "ok" to insult you to your face about it. It's happened too many times at previous family events and I know it will happen again...especially now that I'm at my heaviest weight ever.
2. My parents do not defend me whenever my relatives make snide comments about my weight. This really hurts my feelings. Yes, I'm a grown woman, but I believe their slience during my relatives' verbal abuse towards me actually makes my bullies/relatives think it's okay to continue to insult me. They laugh at me when I defend myself....saying I'm too sensitive. It's hard NOT to be sensitive when you hear comments like "Why did you get SO fat?" or "Wow! Your face has gotten even more rounder since the last time I saw you." or "You really need to lose the weight unless you want to end up being fat and lonely. This is why your younger brother got married before you...because no man wants you because you are fat right now. Lose weight." These are just a few of the comments I get.
3. I am already suffering from anxiety over this family event/baby shower. I didn't know just how much anxiety I had about it until I decided NOT to attend. I felt a physical sense of relief when I made that decision.
My SIL and brother aren't close to me to being with (they will probably be even more distant when I don't attend the shower). We barely talk/email/text each other. It's not a strong relationship at all. I don't know how upset my SIL and brother will be if I don't attend the shower....but I know my mom will be upset for sure.
I have to take care of my mental and physical self. I don't want to attend an event with a room full of my bullies.
Am I wrong for skipping out on my SIL and brother's baby shower due to my weight gain? Have you skipped out no family events in order to avoid judgement and verbal abuse?
I would do the same. Send a nice gift and a nice note, and do something you'll enjoy that makes you feel good that day instead. Yes, you'll take some flak, but it sounds like there would be even more waiting for you if you go. No sense feeding the emotional vampires.
I think only you know what is right for you and how you will feel about it. How will you feel about the "fall out" of not going? (Potential guilt trips and drama from the family) Ultimately you know what feels right for you.
I think only you know what is right for you and how you will feel about it. How will you feel about the "fall out" of not going? (Potential guilt trips and drama from the family) Ultimately you know what feels right for you.
At the moment, I feel justified in my decision. If my relatives actually kept their negative thoughts and rude comments to themselves, then I wouldn't have a problem with attending the baby shower. If my parents would actually defend me (for once) whenever I did/do get insulted, then I wouldn't feel so hurt...parents are supposed to stand up for their kids regardless of their kid's age, right?
I think I'll just send my SIL and brother a baby shower gift. This is their first baby, my parents' first grandchild, and my first time being an aunt. I rather come visit when the baby is born at the end of August (I already booked my flight) and I told my mother this a couple of months ago....but my mother told me I HAVE to be there or else it would be considered a major insult to my SIL and her family (and make my family look "bad"). *sigh* I can't win.
BUT...I need to do what's right for me. If I attend the baby shower, I WILL get insulted...no doubt about it. I need to protect myself...even if it means protecting myself from family members.
I dont blame you. My "outlaws" (ie the ex-husbands mom) always says something. I dont think or feel like its mean spirited, but she definitely speaks her mind.
insert hispanic accent -> "mamita, you used to be so skinny, what happened?"
In your situation, I would absolutely do the same, and I have in the past (but not for the same reason as you)
You definitely need to prioritize your own mental health and it's an understandable decision, if you feel like you definitely need to avoid that situation. ... That said, my own SIL is expecting and it's the same deal (first baby in the family, we aren't super-super close), and I try to imagine not being a part of the joy. I think I would immensely regret it. A baby shower's not the be-all/end-all (no event is) -- and each family is different -- but this does strike me as a decision point that would likely have ramifications for a long time for your family relationships.
All that's going to weigh out differently for you than it will anyone else. I hope you make the decision that is best for you and that you feel peace with it. Good luck.
As it's your family and, unfortunately, you can't choose them, try your best to make an excuse that's believable. As another poster mentioned, if you work shifts, pick up and extra one, make sure you have a "big project with a deadline" or whatever fits your employment.
I don't normally think skipping out on events due to someone's weight is advisable because it's usually ones own securities that's making it seem like everyone is judging them. In this case, it's just toxic. I'd say do what you can to limit contact with them without alienating yourself from your family entirely.
I think skipping the shower is fine. I probably wouldn't go if I was in the same situation!
I would however, send a gift in advance and let your SIL/brother know that you're not coming. That way they still know you care and aren't surprised/offended when you don't show up!
Honestly, you have to decide for yourself in the end, but I think you made the right decision. I say this because I can understand your situation. I have family just like that, though they are not right out with it but say things off to the side but I still hear about it, and it's not good for YOU. Sometimes the word "family" can be used too loosely. If some people are just rude and mean without taking your feelings into considerations that's just how they are, family or not. Took me a lonnngg time to stop making excuses for my families behavior in general, especially my mother. It was hard, at first, but let me tell you my person is better from being around such negativity. If it's helpful, how can it be a bad thing?
Sometimes, you have to do what is good for you as a person. If you deep down, very deep down, know that you'd suffer emotional blows and it's not good for you mentally then be happy to know you made the right decision. Someone once told me "you can't choose your family" and I do think that's true and it is hard. But, if it's not good for you then it's harming you. That's not good at all.
You should try talking to you SIL or brother personally about this as well, especially if you want to have a relationship with them. Send them something grand! . Just don't feel bad for not going if you ultimately feel you should not go. Be firm with whatever decision you choose!
Has your sister in law personally ever insulted you? If so, I wouldn't go and if asked id say specifically that.
Now, if she hasn't and you want to actually go (or fear it would strain your relationship) I would go.
I've had my share of insults but I refuse it to let me stop living life. Yeah, I'm big - point it out me, ridicule me, whatever. It's not going to change who I am.
Its so terribly sad when family are the ones causing the pain. Weight shouldn't be a reason to destroy a family.
Ugh every family reunion is a reminder about my weight - uhh I am in my own body 24/7, I know what size I am!!
I've missed events, I don't regret them, but I don't tend to care if I miss them weight related or not, so I guess it depends on how important the event is to you. If it causes you - overall-more misery than happiness no matter what, and you won't deeply regret it if you miss it in the long run, then maybe not going isn't a bad idea.
Sometimes I do regret missing them, but it tends to be because I am too lazy to go out, not due to weight. I do dread the family reunions though *shudders*
Send a card/gift for the new baby and skip out and don't feel guilty at all.
We all have relatives we are related to that we don't click with or looooove. Life's too short to be spending it meeting social obligations to family duty ALL the time. Hang with the people that feed you, not suck you dry. And when family duty calls, decide what those times are. Weddings? Funerals? Once a semester? Twice a year? Make some choices.
Then attend your minimal obligation ones, pay your respects, and get out. Don't expect the parents to stick up for you. Stick up for YOURSELF.
Done it myself.
Years ago I walked out on my father for his verbal comments on my weight. I simply warned him it was NOT up for discussion, it was between my and my doc. And if he brought it up I'd go home. I was frustrated enough dealing in my PCOS/IR junk without a backseat driver, you know?
Dad doesnt' respect boundaries and was at it again in short order. So I simply got up without a word and went home within 5 minutes. Mom didn't even see me -- she was still in the shower. She called. I said I wasn't upset. But I wasn't hanging around to be listen to nonsense and I'd visit next week. But it is OFF THE TABLE. If I still got flak, I'd react same. Get up, just go home, visit over. I'm a good daughter and I pay my visit each week and sometimes go out of my way to do it. So no. I don't feel like going out of my way to let Dad rain crap on me. How is that fun for me?
I have better things to be doing than listen to nonsense. *shrug* Keep it up and maybe I just stop coming period.
Dad said I was being "too sensitive" -- I said "Yep." Got up, went home. Let him deal with it. You want to visit with me? Great. Behave. Don't? I leave. Because I'm "sensitive" doncha know.
I'm actually not sensitive -- he's being RUDE and just didn't want to police his mouth or have good manners. Sometimes relatives feel like polite can go out the window because you are family. I think it is SAD that you'd treat a stranger more politely than your own kin.
So yay, I'm "sensitive" now. And I don't have to hear silly any more.
Have you deliberately missed a family event due to your weight gain?
It's hard NOT to be sensitive when you hear comments like "Why did you get SO fat?" or "Wow! Your face has gotten even more rounder since the last time I saw you." or "You really need to lose the weight unless you want to end up being fat and lonely. This is why your younger brother got married before you...because no man wants you because you are fat right now. Lose weight." These are just a few of the comments I get.
