So I have basically been spending the last 3 months seriously thinking about my weight loss aspirations/goals etc. and I had a moment in the last week that finally made something click in my head.
And so the story begins...(lol)
So I was spending some time with an old friend from high school, catching up and such, now I am the person that everyone went to to talk about anything that was happening in their lives and I have gotten really good at directing conversations so that other people spend the entire time talking about themselves. Now for me this skill(?) I have for directing conversation sort of arose from two things. 1. I know that if I keep a person talking about themselves then the attention is on them and i don't have to answer any unwanted questions. 2. because I like being able to make my friends feel better by letting them vent(i'm just a friendly ear, not a professional or anything). I see that as a part of friendship.
So back to what I was saying. I was spending time with an old friend and they got this really strange look on their face and just blurted out "You never talk about yourself". Which I laughed off to begin with and just basically said that I don't really have much to talk about, my life is kinda boring. I felt like he was a bit upset about my response, so I just told him that I don't tend to talk about myself to anyone and that it is really hard to do. So this went back and forward for a couple of minutes, until he finally got the absolute shits and refused to leave until i just fessed up. I was frustrated and upset myself and basically told him that I don't talk about myself because I am ashamed about the person I am.
Now you know that moment when someone looks at you like your an absolute moron, well that was this moment, and my response was to start muttering about the fact that I am ashamed of my weight and that I know I am judged on it and that I don't think it is fair that someone should have to listen to me complain about my weight, when I have the ability to change it.
Now his response to this:
"Well how the **** are you suppose to deal with your own day to day problems, as well as listening to a dozen other peoples, when you don't have anyone to talk to?"
Good point right.
So I went home and had a bit of a think, and a bit of a cry (if I'm being honest), and I realised that he was/is completely right. I can't tell you the number of times I have been upset about something and instead of finding a friend for help, I've gone into a locked room, given myself and hour to cry, scream etc and then emerged like nothing has happened and overloaded on food so that it couldn't come out.
Now I know from other posts that many people have family members that bluntly criticise their weight, this was never the case in my family. My weight was never an issue that was directly raised with me. So by the time I was a teenager I knew that it was something to be ashamed about because it was something that was never acknowledged in public or prive for that matter. So i supose the point I am trying to make is that I was always told indirectly that my weight was shameful and that talking about it wouldn't help to make it better.
it just strikes me as strange that the inability of my parents to address the problem of my weight has directly lead to my inability to talk about me as a person, because all of my selfworth is wrapped up in my weight.
I don't know if any or all of this made any sense, but I thought that I would get it out of my head.
Thanks for the ear