I cannot seem to stop hating myself and feeling ashamed and disgusted with my behavior for long enough to think rationally enough to actually work on my problems with food. Excuse my grammar; I hope that made sense!
I used to be anorexic and I miss it. I know that is a horrible thing to say, but it's true. This out-of-control feeling around food is robbing me of my life. I am young and used to have so many hopes and dreams, but now I just don't give a d*** about anything.
I don't know what I want out of this. Hugs? Personal stories of triumph? Right now I really don't want to be alive anymore (NOT suicidal, just exhausted)...and I know you guys will understand.
JEWCY ~ well, I will send you some hugs becuz you need them, but you know that it is true that we can get down on ourselves too much; and you are today, hon. You do have some other good qualities that you are ignoring ... the sum of your weight is NOT the sum of your worth, darlin'!
Firstly, another ED (anorexia) is not the answer to another ED (i.e. binging); you weren't in control then either (you just thought you were). Whether you eat too much or too little -- you are out of balance. The best thing is to look forward, to a better future.
Plus, you can start today and work on creating a healthier lifestyle and a healthier YOU! Yes, I am a former binger; and I have been learning how to manage my emotions better so I don't eat my feelings. You are eating in response to feelings, and feelings are as fleeting as the weather (meaning they change all the time).
Secondly, you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF for not fulfilling your expectations of perfection. OK, you made mistakes; so what? We all do. You can only move on if you choose to. By wallowing in self-pity, you will stay stuck where you are. Sorry if that sounds harsh; it isn't meant to -- I just want you to be aware of how you sound ... defeated!
It is sad to see a young person give up on themselves so easily. You are NOT defeated. As long as you are alive on this earth, you have another chance to make a new life for yourself. Each day is a gift -- take it and use it and enjoy life to the fullest. And, if you are not happy with the way things are, then change them ... one-thing-at-a-time, one-day-at-a-time!
QUITTING IS NOT AN OPTION! Fight, girl, fight! And start NOW! Look inside yourself and you will see that you have what it takes to do whatever you want to do in this life. Now, move forward, and never look back ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 03-24-2012 at 04:26 PM.
The feelings of shame can sap all the energy right out of you and make everything feel so unbearable. I understand. I'm going through them right now, too. Depression is hard and it's hard not to be hard on yourself about the wrong things when your mind & mood aren't cooperating with your goals. I could tell you to forgive yourself, but it won't help. Sometimes, venting does, though, so it's good that you're doing so.
I know this will sound a little weird, but why not try to rack your progress on something visible and visual. It is something that helps me when I feel overcome.
I have a monthly calendar on my wall. I jot down progress on it each day for my various goals and it helps me keep my perspective in check. I weigh myself every day and write it on the box for the day, as well as my calories consumed, calories burned or time exercised, and mood (and various other goals I'm tracking). If I don't do something or didn't keep track, I'll just write an x or n/a in the box. Next to each week, I'll mark if I've kept my goal or not.
The good thing about this is that it allows you to get outside of yourself and keep track of what you're doing. Depression makes it hard to see things as they are and it distorts your perception. This is a tool to help you avoid that. When you can connect feelings of shame to activities it helps motivate you to do something other than let the feeling overtake you. It may not always help, but sometimes it can keep you from spiralling too far downwards. Give it a try if you like....
You said it yourself - you are young, that's such an amazing gift! You are the only one who holds the power and you can gain back control over your life. Don't be discouraged, everyone has ups and downs, it's how you manage them that makes you a strong person. Perfection doesn't exist, you set up your own standards and fight to achieve your personal goals.
Don't give up your hopes and dreams, fight for them, and even of some of them seem quite unattainable, the fight will keep you young
It sounds to me that while being anorexic you just never learned how to eat healthily. When you say that you miss it you felt in countrol because you just didn't eat. Would you get mad at yourself if you didn't know how to drive a car? Or would you just learn it? There's no need to feel bad about yourself because you didn't learn how to eat healthily. Just learn. And, as with anything, there is a learning curve. Ups and downs, but no reason to be ashamed of yourself! Good Luck!
I often feel the same way. In my late teens/ early 20s, my ED was like 75% starve, and 25% binge. As the years have gone on, its flip flopped and I miss the control I had over food when starving. Now life feels like one big out of control binge. I don't have a lot of advice to offer, since I am not recovered, but I can say that looking into ED help (therapy, groups, treatment centers, a nutritionist ect) can help. I used to feel that since I wasn't under weight or didn't make myself vomit, that I didn't have a ED, which is not true. Its a great first step that you reached out on this site. There are a lot of people on this site that have battled ED. Start reaching out in your community. You deserve to heal. We all do.
First of all, sorry about the ALL CAPS MELODRAMA of my title. I was feeling a bit of a drama queen when I first posted.
Secondly, I lack the energy right now to go through and give individual responses, but I want you all to know that I've read everything closely and taken it to heart, and that I truly appreciate everyone's kindness & insight. I hope I can do the same for someone someday. Thank you.
Jewcy, visit the April binge-free challenge (and the March binge-free challenge, for that matter) and you will see you are not alone in this struggle. I binged for around 40 years till I could find my balance and understand what was "wrong" with me. You get the chance of learning about this ED while still very young, so I am sure you will recover and lead a very happy life. Just know that food is a friend if you are a friend to yourself: don't be afraid of it, because you can control yourself if you learn how to.
Good luck!!!!
Can't kick the INTENSE shame.
Right now I really don't want to be alive anymore (NOT suicidal, just exhausted)...and I know you guys will understand.
JEWCY ~ well, I will send you some hugs becuz you need them, but you know that it is true that we can get down on ourselves too much; and you are today, hon. You do have some other good qualities that you are ignoring ... the sum of your weight is NOT the sum of your worth, darlin'! 
