[smarkey]

I'm putting this on the South Beach section because it's the plan I'm following and it's where I spend most of my time on the 3FC forum. Just doing some self-examination, and it's helpful to get it all down in a safe place.

LIES I TOLD MYSELF

About how much I weigh.
To be fair, I only weigh myself at the doctor’s office, a place I rarely go to, and then they insist on weighing me. My last weigh-in was 160 lbs. But I finally weighed myself on a friend’s scale the other day (not sure how accurate it is) and I weighed 155. Considering I’ve dropped a pant size, I’m guessing I’ve lost more than 5 lbs. So my starting weight was probably 165 -170. When I went over 150, I went into denial, I think.

About what my clothing size really is.
I’ve been wearing a size 12 pair of pants for years and large shirts because I’m pear-shaped and carry my weight in my thighs, hips and butt. However, before I started on South Beach in January, I fitted very, very tightly into a size 12 and one or two of my shirts were extra-large. Now my size 12s are roomy and loose, and I fit very tightly into size 10 pants (I own one pair of size 10 pants that fit snugly – somewhat comfortably, but I’ve tried them on so many times, I’m sure they’ve stretched). So my starting size is 14. I’ll stay with large on the shirts, since most fit.

About how much I actually eat, which was "not all that much."
“All that much” used to mean a croissant in the morning 3-4 times a week. And I told myself they were better than pastry. Actually, they are, but they are still very fatty, bready and probably set off cravings for the rest of the day. Just not eating those things probably would have helped me drop some weight off. Same with Luna bars, which I love. Not the best breakfast and also probably part of the craving problem – but I told myself I was eating good snacking food. And I used to literally forget what I had consumed in the morning, so could talk myself into more snacks in the afternoon. Now I'm South Beach, and that has helped me make sense of food.

Nutrition and whole foods are very important
Better preacher than practitioner of "food heals", which I sincerely believe. Some of my preaching rubbed off my kids, but they need a better living example. The example I point to of what can happen when you don't eat right is my 80-year-old mother who has many health issues related to her life-long bad eating habits. I don't want to be that. I don't have any health problems, so truly believe I can save myself.

I look ok.
Actually, this is what my friends tell me. I’m 5’2” and have a pretty small frame, but for who knows what reason, I carry the weight well. I tried to believe them – that even 30 lbs was too much for me to lose, but then I would go clothes shopping and see myself in a mirror and have nice looking stuff look crappy on me. Just before I turned 30, I got down to 110-115 lbs. I felt great and clothes were fun. I don’t look ok and I hate shopping for clothes. More importantly I don’t feel good – but I’m feeling better.

I’m pretty active, so it’s ok that I weigh a little more.
In the first place, 50 lbs too much is not "a little more." In the second place, I was pretty active, but over the last two years (I’ve been saying one year to friends, but it’s now more than two), I’ve been pretty sedentary. I stopped using my bicycle to get around, I have a laptop and can work at home. That means I sit longer with my computer because I’m comfy on the couch, and I get up only to use the bathroom or the kitchen, but don’t go out for those long, lunch-hour walks. I just went skiing with my kids – I know I’ll never keep up with them, but how utterly out of shape I was really showed for the first time in the most painful way – I felt it in every muscle and joint – I was near tears several times and had to drop back to the bunny slopes where I haven't been in years. I love to ski downhill and cross-country, but just thinking about a cross-country trip exhausts me. My energy went down as my weight and up. So my exercise routine before I got started on this first ever attempt to consciously lose weight and get in shape amounted to nothing.

TRUTHS

Listed above - my real starting weight, level of activity and clothing size.

I am over 50, so this is going to take longer than when I was under 30.

I’ve been making myself go out walking several days a week – roughly a mile. That's a start. And I'm in Phase 2 (1.5) of South Beach, have stuck with it and have taken off weight, so am motivated.

Based on advice I’ve been reading on the forum, I plan to:


--Join the Y and participate in a regular exercise program - looking into that next week - it's a scheduling and money issue. Exercising on my own except for cycling to get somewhere or gardening has never worked. We're more than a month away from gardening season, and there's not as much heavy work out there as there used to be. I may redo a large part of the yard outside the front door, though. Being in better shape before then will make it easier.

--Start weighing myself once a week (not every day - someone on the forum wisely advised that every day is setting yourself up for disappointment because of all the day-to-day variables)

--Keep a food diary

--Keep an exercise journal

--Keep reading and posting on 3FC because it has been so helpful. I didn't expect that it would be; I was just looking for recipes. But the success stories and the problem-sharing and support have become very important to me.

Thanks everyone for being here and for listening. I'll readjust that weight tracker once I get going at the Y.

[Lexxiss]

You put alot of thought into this, Samantha. It will be great for you to reread this many times as you continue on your journey to health.

Best wishes!