I haven't been able to post here as much as I'd like to lately because I'm working so much which is taking a toll on me physically. Since my husband was laid off 3 weeks ago, I've been trying to pick up the slack and have totally neglected tracking or even caring what I eat. I'm exhausted in every way possible BUT today I decided it's either all or nothing and I'm back in the 'All' mode.
For the past 6 months I've been on and off plan, binge eating then starving to balance out my binges. ****, I would have been at 130 by now if I had the same drive to succeed as I did in the beginning. Life happens but I've also realized, I can't do this anymore. Binge eating is the most difficult disorder I've ever had to control and every single day is a challenge.
If someone told me the hardest part about losing weight was the mental aspect, I would have given up a long time ago. People tell me all the time how amazing I look and how much of an inspiration I am but when I look in the mirror, all I see is a disgusting body I am not happy with. How can anyone think I am an inspiration when I can't even inspire myself right now!
Today when I woke up I had a moment of clarity, that things could be much worse. Even though my husband was laid off and I have to work extra, doesn't mean I have to put myself last. My health comes first because if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of my family. The one good thing I can say is after each binge, I still went to the gym. I didn't have the mentality where I thought that just because I binged, going to the gym would be a waste of time.
So from today and everyday, tracking is a must and binges are totally out of the question..
I'm very glad you got back on your feet! I know how hard it is to keep going, when everything around you seems crazy and out of control... But I'm glad you took the decision to take care of yourself first.
I don't do WW (I'm a calorie counter), but I can certainly relate to the all or nothing mentality. I can also completely relate to the vicious nightmarish cycle of binge eating. Even though I'm within my goal range, I'm hanging on just barely. I don't even want to weigh myself because this past month, I've had so many out of control binge days. I'm not talking about one bad meal or a few bad hours. I'm talking about where I go insane all day and look for ways to stuff myself sick. I just want you to know that you're not alone. You're also not alone in having tough life stuff going on. I really like what you said about making your health more of a priority. That is truly so crucial. You know what works and you know what to do and you got thrown a few curve balls but you can most definitely get yourself on track and do what you gotta do to get to where you wanna be.
I was thinking about you earlier and hoping it was going better for you. I actually mentioned you to my husband today. He is doing WW and has lost 55 pounds and is 10 pounds from goal. The scale is not really budging for him. Well, it is up and down. I mentioned you to him because I know you have struggled with that last 10 pounds as well.
Back when I got to lifetime I remember how hard that last 10 pounds was. By then, your metabolism has slowed down (research seems to support the idea that weight loss permanently slows your metabolism), your hormones fight you and increase appetite to try to get you back where you were, and you maintain or even gain on the same calories that early on would have enabled you to have a healthy loss. The result is that it can take so long to lose those last 10 pounds!
I even mentioned to my husband that it is an option to get a doctor's letter setting goal weight a few pounds higher than the top of the range and for many people that may be way preferable to just giving up and regaining.
I think it is very common during those last pounds to have weeks - many weeks - with no loss or even a gain (DH gained 3 pounds week before last!). The one thing I do tell DH is that if he gains 2 pounds, then loses it, then gains 3 pounds, then loses it, then gained 1 pounds, then loses it -- he is at least learning how to maintain weight loss.
My leader told a story about a member who lost quite a bit of week then had an entire year where she simply maintained. She didn't get a single star during that year. Yet, the member took it well and pointed out that it was the first time in her life that she had maintained a weight loss. Apparently her body just needed to settle into that loss. The next year she lost the rest of her weight.
There are so few who could do that. I'm not sure I could go through a whole year with no loss and not give up.
When I joined WW the first time, I got to 12 pounds above my goal weight (that was even within a healthy weight range for me but I was younger then so set my goal weight lower than it is now). I messed around and gained about 4 pounds over a 4 month period (yes I have a chart of all this).
Then I have a gap in my chart of 8 weeks when I went back in and weighed in a full 12.5 pounds heavier! So, by then I was almost 30 pounds above goal weight! I made no progress for a couple of months then buckled down and 3 months later was again back to 10 pounds above goal weight.
Two months later I was 3 pounds above goal. The next week I gained 6.5 pounds putting me, sigh, back to 10 pounds above goal weight. The good news was that this time I didn't give up. So often that gain would have cause me to leave and eat everything in sight and come back another 10 pounds heavier. I stuck with it and 10 weeks later finally got to goal. (Alas I got to lifetime but my goal was not sustainable so I didn't stay there long).
Anyway, I got to goal 15 months after I first got to 12 pounds above goal. And, the biggest reason it took me the 15 months was because of giving up, bingeing out, gaining 20 pounds and then having to lose it all over again. And I did this a couple of times. My "if only" is to wish that when I struggled I had simply concentrated on trying to maintain my losses and not gotten so discouraged that I binged and went in the wrong direction.
When it comes to weight loss, I really think we're actually taught to fail. By watching everyone else do it, we learn that "all or nothing" mentality is the appropriate method - and weight loss is almost inevitably temporary.
Humans just do not learn well by the "do as I say, not as I do, method."
We learn to ignore the stated, written rules and that the "real rule" is "do it like everyone else is doing it," and with weight loss how "everyone else is doing it," is to try for a while, quit, and then regain.
To really learn how to lose weight, you have to find a way to do it differently than everyone else.
But that's harder than it sounds. It's like getting an employee handbook, and realizing there are rules in that handbook that everyone (including the boss) ignores. And if you follow the written rules, you don't get "brownie points," you get ostracised by your fellow co-workers (and often even the boss).
If you bring it to the bosses attention and ask about it, usually you're just told "just do it the way everyone else does."
I always hated that as an employee, because I don't like ambiguous rules (especially those in which "everyone else does it" wouldn't be an excuse I'd feel comfortable using if something bad happens... and it always seems that those rule discrepancies were always about situations in which something bad could happen).
But it is how humans learn. We learn "the rules" by doing what everyone else does, even when that means "saying we're go to one thing, but really doing the exact oposite."
Succeeding at weight loss almost inevitably means finding a way to be ok with "breaking the unwritten rules."
And since they're unwritten and unspoken rules, we often don't even realize that we're just doing what everyone else does... we think we're the only people who are screwing up (because that's what we've been "taught" by example to think).
Thanks so much for all the wonderful replies, I really appreciate the support. Yesterday, once again I had a horrible binge. I think this was the worse one I've ever experienced because I ate ALL day and even though I was stuffed/nauseated, I continued on to the 2 pizzas I made. I couldn't sleep because my belly was in knots and it seriously felt like I had the stomach flu, I was that nauseated.
I was going to try and maintain what I've lost through the holidays but I realized, that's giving me a reason to binge. I don't want to maintain, I want to keep losing. I really need to fix my ticker because the number listed is wrong, this morning when I hopped on my home scale, it was up to 173. I know this is due to water retention but it's absolutely discouraging. I hate that I focus on the number rather than how I feel. Everyday is a struggle just to keep my head above water when it comes to food. Work is excrutiating because I'll pack a nice healthy lunch, then my partner will stop at Del Taco, Burger King, or McDonald's and eat fries, burgers, etc. The smell alone triggers a binge when I get home at night.
I was at the bookstore the other day checking out the 'Diet' section and came across a book titled - "Binge Eating - Take Control" I ended up purchasing this book and I swear, everything in it describes me to a T. I felt better knowing there is actually something wrong and I'm not the only one with this disorder. In fact, it wasn't even recognized as an eating disorder until a few years ago. The book outlines a plan on how to take control by eating 6 meals a day at scheduled times, and also eating at the kitchen table. It states that by eating in bed, on the couch, in the recliner conditions people to eat because it triggers thoughts of food. I'm thinking this book is just what I needed to get myself back on track for good.
These past 6 months I have bounced around from Weight Watchers, Calorie Counting, Atkin's, South Beach, etc. I'll try a new plan for a day or two, binge and say to myself, "Well that plan isn't working for me, I'd better go back to Weight Watchers." From this point on, I'm sticking to the plan I started with, Weight Watchers.
I was hoping there would be a challenge on this particular forum, the Biggest Loser Challenge really helped me stay on track because I was part of a team. If anyone knows of one, please please let me know!
It sounds like the book is going to be helpful for you so it is great you found it.
To the extent that you find lower carb eating helpful for you then it is entirely possible to follow WW and use SBD or Atkins or your own lower carb plan.
Some people find that they are more likely to binge when they eat carbs particularly the refined carbs. Although there are people who find that even whole grains can set off binges.
One thing you might do -- if you think carbs may be causing you to binge -- is to see if you can tie bingeing to eating more carbs. One thing I do like about Atkins is the way they have you systematically start at low carb and then add in specific types of carbs at specified amounts until you find that weight loss stalls or you start bingeing. SBD is not that systematic but is easier to stick with for many people and many would say it is an overall healthier way to eat.
On the other hand, not everyone is sensitive to carbs and you may find that your bingeing is not tied to your carb consumption. I've found that I can eat up to 100 carbs a day without it really triggering bingeing. However, I find it easier to stay on program in terms of points if I eat lower carb.
I don't know if there are still signups allowed but there is a November/December challenge.
All or Nothing
I really like what you said about making your health more of a priority. That is truly so crucial. You know what works and you know what to do and you got thrown a few curve balls but you can most definitely get yourself on track and do what you gotta do to get to where you wanna be. 
