First let me start by saying I love my family. Very much. That's why I'm so frustrated and angry with them.
I'll be 24 this week. For 24 years all I've known is obesity within my family. When I was around 5 my grandmother had to have a double bipass. It was a big deal, of course. We were living in NM. My aunt flew in from OR and my uncle flew in from CA to be there JUST IN CASE.
She pulled through, but nothing changed. We'd go to the movies and popcorn got lots of oil ('butter') in the middle and on top. We'd go to BK or McD's and the family would still get large value meals. We'd go out to eat and they'd eat all that was on their plates. At home there were at least 2 servings per person. I naturally followed in those footsteps. And I was never denied the food I wanted.
I'm now, as I stated, almost 24. I have a 5 year old child. When he was 1 we as a family joined Weight Watchers, and we all did wonderfully. But due to finances and time crunches, we stopped attending the meetings, and from there everything fell apart.
I tried so hard to continue following the plan, but at the time I still lived with my family and it's difficult to follow any weight loss plan when you don't do the shopping and there's nothing beneficial to weight loss in the house.
When I moved out I continued the downward spiral.
Last year I decided I was sick of everything. I was sick of the cruel stares and comments from children and adults alike. And so I began changing my life as a whole.
I live on my own and I do the shopping. I meal plan 2 weeks out and put a lot of time and energy into all of this. When I tell my family 'I lost another 2lbs' I get a nonchalant 'good job' or 'oh that's great', but it seems so empty. Like it simply doesn't matter.
On Saturday, my weigh in days, I reached 248lbs. A 50lb weight loss and officially under 250lbs. I have a long way to go, but I've also come a long way. I was basically ignored when I called my family ecstatic with this news.
'Likes' on my FB status updates regarding these accomplishments mean close to nothing for me.
My mother and grandmother are both diabetic and take Metformin to control it. My 13 (almost 14) year old brother is pre diabetic and has high cholesterol. Yet nothing has changed.
My mother and I fight regularly about my food bill. She is astounded that I spend as much and sometimes more on food for myself and my 5 year old than she does for, basically, 3 adults. But I point out that EVERYTHING I buy is healthy. She claims she does too, but my thought is 'if that were the case, why aren't you all losing weight?'. They're maintaining. Clearly to maintain obesity you have to be eating more than what you need (in terms of calories, carbs, fats, etc).
A few days ago, while visiting, I poked around. Doritos, Lay's Potato Chips, Fritos, veggie chips that they didn't like (I thought they were great.. and healthy!!!) and they gave to me. There were homemade tamales (2 for lunch!? That's NOT healthy!), 2 different types of ice cream in the freezer, spam (ew!) and more.
No, this is not healthy.
I enjoy spending time with my family. They invite me over for dinner from time to time, but the meals are not respectable to my dieting. Never. I now bring my own food just in case salad isn't available. This kind of defeats the purpose imo.
I am afraid for my family, especially my brother. And I'm frustrated by what feels like a total disregard for my efforts of a healthier me and setting an example for my son.
I've tried talking them into dieting. I've offered to help them in anything they need help with. I have my weight loss blog in hopes they'd be interested in reading more about my journey, but they don't.
I created a recipe blog primarily in hopes that my mother, who is the one who does the shopping and meal planning, would follow. Even if it starts as one healthy meal a week.
But still, nothing.
I just wanted to vent in a place I knew I could, and where I actually get support.
I think its great that you're concerned for your family and from what you've said it sounds like you have every right to be.
My own family are slim and healthy and were for a long time before I started to lose weight, they probably could have written your post about me. I only started to lose weight on my own terms and when I was ready to make that change. Before my change of mindset, if anyone criticised me about my weight or told me I needed to lose weight, I would take it very personally, go on the defensive, shut down, refuse to talk about it, and continue exactly what I was doing. Eventually I decided to lose weight on my own, and I have been very successful in doing it in my own time and my own way. The point is, sometimes you can only help by continuing to follow your healthy eating plan, maybe once they see the benefits it has for you and your son they'll follow suit. Maybe you could invite them over to your house for dinner and make healthy recipes?
Hope it all works out.
Last edited by IsobelRose22; 10-18-2011 at 04:01 AM.
You made the healthy choice for yourself. Congrats on your 50 pounds lost!! That's amazing!!!
Sadly, the have to make this choice for themselves. You can give them all the help and support but if they don't want to change then you can't do anything.
Don't fall back, just stay OP and I'm sure they will eventually come around
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I enjoy spending time with my family. They invite me over for dinner from time to time, but the meals are not respectable to my dieting. Never. I now bring my own food just in case salad isn't available. This kind of defeats the purpose imo.
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Just a thought here ~
You say you enjoy spending time with your family
Then you say bringing your own meal to a dinner invite defeats the purpose...
purpose of what?
Spending time with your family?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
If you take your own food you stay on your plan
and you keep putting yourself in position to "HELP" your family
EVERYONE I know that is overweight came to the LOSE WEIGHT PARTY late!
Then you say bringing your own meal to a dinner invite defeats the purpose...
purpose of what?
Spending time with your family?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
If you take your own food you stay on your plan
and you keep putting yourself in position to "HELP" your family
EVERYONE I know that is overweight came to the LOSE WEIGHT PARTY late!
but they still got in
It's all about the "invite"
I agree with this. Bringing your own food doesnt defeat any purpose... but eating off-plan food may defeat your efforts to lose. I wouldnt pressure them to make the change. If someone is not ready, it will be setting them up for failure which may, in the future, make it more difficult to start a regime in the future for fear of repetetive failure. just my $0.02.
Here's something I learned in Al-Anon when I was a teenager...you can't change anyone but yourself, no matter how much you love them. That's a very hard thing to hear especially when what you want will only benefit them.
I agree with everyone, bringing your own food does not defeat the purpose of spending time with your family. It's actually a silent, but visual, way of suggestion. Remember before you made this decision to make a healthy life style change how you felt...did you like people telling you how to live or that you weren't good enough because you were overweight? None of do.
You can only live for you, and guide your son on his path. But whether it is weight, or alcoholism or a life that you don't necessarily agree with, these things you have no control over, it's their path and they have to be the ones to make choices. Your love and support is all you can give and it sounds like you are doing that. It's hard, I know, I watched my mother choose liquor over me, but we have to put ourselves first.
You, by the way, are doing fabulous, congrats on the 50lbs down! It's hard for others to get excited for us but that's their issue, not ours (by the way, I'm in that boat too. Not a lot of excitement, but who cares...I've lost 58lbs.)! Keep up the great work, maybe just by example they will join you. Also remember, like you, while your brother is living at home, it's hard for him to change his eating habits. When the time come, be his support system that's all you can do.
Welcome and congratulations on losing 50 pounds, I would echo the advice of the other posters. As much as we care about them and want the best for them, they will do what they want to do. Hopefully you will be a good example for them.
Carry on with yourself and your son and your program. You are def seeing progress and doing great!
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When I tell my family 'I lost another 2lbs' I get a nonchalant 'good job' or 'oh that's great', but it seems so empty. Like it simply doesn't matter.On Saturday, my weigh in days, I reached 248lbs. A 50lb weight loss and officially under 250lbs. I have a long way to go, but I've also come a long way. I was basically ignored when I called my family ecstatic with this news.
What more do you want them to say? Are your wants/requests/expectations reasonable?
Remember that they aren't INTO weight loss like you. If you were into football and your team won and they were not into sports and said "Oh, great! I'm glad for you!" That's polite, they are as happy as can be for you. Isn't that enough for football?
Or would you want them to learn all about football and pick the same team to fan as you so they could pick the game apart with you better? Because YOU want to watch football and you want to pick it apart? If they dug football like you, wouldn't they ALREADY have a team to fan?
I think the weight loss is like that. They are as happy as they can be for you, but they aren't fans. What more can you ask? They have to arrive at this for themselves, just like you did.
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My mother and I fight regularly about my food bill.
That's odd. Why fight over it? She does hers and you do yours, right? It isn't like she buys both. Don't get sucked into that unproductive conversation if she is the one starting the fight. And if it is you starting it... don't go there. Every person is responsible for their own self and their child. You be responsible for you and your child.
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I enjoy spending time with my family. They invite me over for dinner from time to time, but the meals are not respectable to my dieting. Never. I now bring my own food just in case salad isn't available. This kind of defeats the purpose imo.
That depends. What was the purpose you were wanting? To spend time with them? To get a break from meal planning and cooking?
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I am afraid for my family, especially my brother. And I'm frustrated by what feels like a total disregard for my efforts of a healthier me and setting an example for my son.
They say they are happy for you when you lose. That seems supportive.
You can't expect them to be on the same diet as you. That seems like an unrealistic expectation.
You could try having a heart to heart with Mom. And if it doesn't go anywhere right now, you can let it go and know that you tried. Sometimes it takes planting a seed and leaving it alone to blossom by itself. Picking at it is not going to make it grow any faster.
Other times, you just let go. Here's a meditation I like below.
HTH!
A.
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Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
I think you are expecting too much. You can not change anyone else but yourself and you are going to have to accept that. I wish they were more excited for you but at the same time I am sure you are bringing up some of their insecurities.
You have done wonderfully!! so great! but until they want to (and they may never will) you will be alone in this. Keep up the good work but I would let go of wanting to control how they eat. It's their choice just like its your choice to kick butt and get fit!
You are not the food police. Take care of your own diet and leave your family alone. Only they can determine when they want to make changes and lose weight. Your nagging only makes them more determined to continue overeating.
I understand it is frustrating for you, but you can only make changes FOR YOU & your child - anybody else must "lie in their own bed" so to speak.
And hey! -you've lost 50 lb & THAT IS AMAZING! - YOU'RE DOING IT!!! And this is SO GOOD for your child to see as well! Eating with the family can be difficult and maddening when you're focusing on eating healthy & they clearly are not focused at all.
And you know what? The more I "manipulate" situations, the more I find I CAN "manipulate" situations. Meaning ...visits don't have to revolve around food. Simply visit when it's not "food time". I'd even suggest eating BEFORE you go to visit them. Enjoy your visit! Talk, laugh, ENJOY! - but you (& your child) have already eaten, so no need to stay & eat. When it's time for them to eat, take your child outside to play (or take a walk, or some other form of "fun-time exercise".) You CAN manipulate almost any situation... be creative.
You are not the food police. Take care of your own diet and leave your family alone. Only they can determine when they want to make changes and lose weight. Your nagging only makes them more determined to continue overeating.
This.
You can't force your family to make changes, and shaming them into making changes isn't the way to go. Back off, keep doing what you're doing and maybe they'll eventually follow your example.
You are responsible for what goes in you and your child's mouth and no one else's as much as it hurts to see a loved one basically eating themselves to death. There's nothing you can do. Before you were ready to make the change, you wouldn't have liked people being combative about your diet with you. Just as you had to come to your own realization. Everyone has to come to that point by themselves. That's the only way this whole weight loss thing works. It doesn't work if you're doing it because someone is making you do it, it's not easy, you have to be that committed and no one but yourself can make you so. All you can do is continue to try to be a good example, and an inspiration to them and hope seeing you succeed triggers something in them. But otherwise, that's it. You need to focus on you and your child. That's the best you can do.
First, congrats on the 50lbs. and also taking care of your child. Ya!!! Your a GREAT Mom and remember that.
I love my family too and have the same exact challenge. I live with my elderly Mother and it is very challenging.
It would make it so much easier if everyone got on the healthy kick, but I don't know about you but when I was not eating healthy and someone tried to tell me what to do, it just made me angry. They meant well, but it was like they knew everything and it made me feel stupid and worse.
Now that I have lost 70lbs. I know they care about me but sometimes I feel like they want to compete with me. This can be good and bad for many reasons.
If your family is anything like mine, the conversations and get togethers are usually ALL AROUND FOOD!
I really have to plan ahead and make sure I eat something healthy before we get together so that I am not hungry and get caught up in the emotional eating. Sometimes I do, just I make sure I don't pile up my plate like they do. But eating healthy before really does help.
I think a really good HEALTHY support network is important. Somewhere other than family. Even just getting on here before you see your family will help!
I have to say my motivation was my daughter when she said she wanted me to be around for her. My health issues were huge, diabetic on insulin and super high cholesterol and severe depression. Most of it's gone, 70lbs. later. I have alot to go yet but I'm on the right track.
Remember yours doing it for yourself and for your son. Keeping your focus on the goal always helps!
Think, 5 years from now, how do you want things to be for you and your child? What you do now and who you spend time with will make all the difference in the world.
I first want to say thank you for those who have so many words of encouragement and support. It means a lot because truthfully, I'm not getting it from my family.
To clarify some stuff. When I say they say things like 'oh that's great' or 'good job', it's so nonchalant. Like a parent ignoring her child and saying 'mhmm' just to appease the child. However that child knows better. And do do I.
The whole 'it's not what you say it's how you say it'. The way it's said is without a care in the world. I wish you could hear it. It doesn't even sound supportive. It sounds like empty words. No care or emotion behind them.
Second, I do not hound them on their eating habits. In my head I'm screaming, in my heart I'm crying, but otherwise I say nothing. I have made comments in the past, but it was simply when I was offered something I'd say 'oh.. Nah.. Would't mesh well with Weight Watchers, I'm sure' and that was it.
Also, the fights about my food bill is because money is really strapped for me. But as long as my head is afloat enough for me to breath, it's not the end of the world for me. I won't sacrifice health and fitness. That was done for me, without my permission, all of my childhood, and it's time for me to make a change. I scrimp and save and struggle to pay my bills, but I'm always sure we eat healthy. I don't even know how it comes up. It just does. My mom will ask a question and I'll tell her, and she'll respond with 'if you didn't spend so much money you wouldn't feel that way/be in that position/be putting off that bill to the last minute/etc'. My reaction is 'good thing the money isn't going to frivolous items like getting my hair or nails done' and then automatically it becomes about food. I try to avoid it like the Bubonic Plague but honestly, it's hard because SOMETIMES.. yeah.. I ask for a couple dollars here or there to get me along. Right now it's tough. Until school starts, I'm going to be struggling.
The last thing I want to note on is that a lot of conversation takes place around the dinner table. And I want that conversation and time with them. It's the only time my brother isn't a *complete* twat (he's such a typical 13/14 year old). And it's the only time we can gather together in a room, talk and enjoy each other, and a television set isn't in the room threatening to interrupt us.
But it seems so rude of me to bring my own food when it's a dinner invitation that brings us together, and that's what I meant by 'defeating the purpose'. Because to me, THAT is rude. But if I'm not rude, I'm failing myself. It may only be for one day, but from past experience, that one day CAN make me or break me. And often times, it wins, and then I'm struggling to get back on track.
Frustrated With Family
And this is SO GOOD for your child to see as well! Eating with the family can be difficult and maddening when you're focusing on eating healthy & they clearly are not focused at all. 
