I need relationship advice! (...........please) - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

KellyGrrl · 08-23-2011, 04:39 PM

I haven't posted here in awhile but i've recently found myself back browsing these pages. Still on my weightloss journey.

I'm wondering if you ladies had any advice for me when it comes in insecurities in a relationship.

I have a boyfriend who I've been dating for a little over 3 months (although I've known him awhile) and he is wonderful. Lately as I've been letting my walls down I've begun to become insecure about my looks and weight and have old trust issues creeping into my head. I recognize it and have been working on it.

The other day he was showing me something in his phone and scrolled by something faster than all the rest. It set off a little red flag in my head! I noticed the name was a girls name I didnt recognize. We'll call her "Sara" I pushed it out of my head telling myself I was crazy and to move on. About 3 days later I was on his bands facebook page and this girl "Sara" had written that she was excited to see his band play in Orlando - where they are going for a week to play (We live about 14 hours away) She had seen them play last year and lives here. Early on in our relationship he mentioned that he hoped we could go together but now that we're a "couple" he has yet to invite me and its next month so pretty sure that invite is not going to come.

All the sudden my relationship insecurities have taken a MAJOR turn for the worst. I feel obsessed with this. I really dont want to assume or blow things out of proportion but my mind has a million scenario's since he has NOT invited me on this trip!! I'm not sure how to handle this - or myself - or these insecurities.
I don't want to approach him about the girl because it could be innocent. I also don't want him to feel OBLIGATED to invite me on his trip.
Now I'm thinking "Oh she's thinner than me - he probably likes that" and "I need to lose weight - I'm so fat" It's HORRIBLE!!!

HELP LADIES!!!!! How can I overcome this!?

kelly315 · 08-23-2011, 04:43 PM

If he wanted a thinner girl, he'd be with a thinner girl. It's that simple. There's a lot more to being with someone than liking their body- and while the fact that he's with you definitely means he likes your body- there wouldn't be a relationship if that was the only thing he liked (it would be a one night stand

). I know it's hard to get rid of those doubts, but you need to remember that he chose to be in a relationship with you for a lot of reasons.

Scarlett · 08-23-2011, 04:46 PM

I have all sorts of insecurity and anxiety issues.

I just pay a bunch of attention to my energy level. When I start to feel that anxiety creeping up I excuse myself and take a few deep breaths on the toilet. Let myself calm down. Then once I'm calm I pump myself up with positive slogans. It takes ~5 min but makes a huge difference. Once I get into a funk I do my best to not let it fester. I believe negative self talk is really poisonous and you need to show it no tolerance.

bargoo · 08-23-2011, 04:46 PM

She may just be a fan of his band, don't make something out of it that may not be there. Maybe he just expects you to know you are invited on the trip. Why not just casually say " is the trip still on" ? Make it casual and don't sound worried.

KellyGrrl · 08-23-2011, 04:48 PM

Hey ladies!

Thanks for the advice - I keep trying to reassure myself but sometimes its easier said then done.

Bargo - she lives 14 hours away and I saw they've been texting. Just puts added anxiety in my head.

meg86 · 08-23-2011, 05:02 PM

I agree you don't want to read into things, but if you have doubts then I would address the situation. Drop the casual "Is the trip still on", and if he says no accept that response. At that point I would question if it is really a relationship you want to move forward with. It has been 3 mo (not too terribly long), and if you can't trust him at this point then you are building a relationship on weak foundation. You want to be in a relationship that you can openly express how you feel...doesn't mean you need to cry every time he talks to another girl or chew his behind, but if this really upsets you then say something and don't stew over it.

To note...if he isn't hiding anything and really wants to see you guys together in the future he will reassure you everything is great, proving you crazy :0)

2CuteToBeFat · 08-23-2011, 05:24 PM

You definitely need to communicate with him.. If not then you will just be upset when it might not be something to worry about after all. ( I have done this many times.) Hope everything turns out to be just fine!

misstraveller · 08-24-2011, 09:48 AM

I agree with 2Cute, you need to be open with him. In my relationship, I've found that those insecurities will make you crazy, I have them too. Talk it out with him. Starting out with good communication is a solid foundation. Don't be accusatory, but rather point out to him some of the issues you're having. Maybe start it with, "Hey I know you guys are going to Florida next month, I was wondering if it would be OK if I came along to watch your show?" Good luck!

asweetchicagogirl1 · 08-24-2011, 10:35 AM

We all have insecurities. It is what we do about them (i.e., not panic/ stress and deal with them rationally, etc.) that matters. I would bring up the trip for sure. He invited you once, maybe he doesn't think he needs to invite you again and that you don't seem that interested in going so he doesn't want to push you to come along to watch his band. He could be feeling insecure too right now.

I think you could easily ask if the trip was still on, what his plans were with respect to the trip so you can make plans too and/or that you are really exicted to see him play in Florida. Any one of those options would lead to a better understanding if he still wants you to go (I'm sure he does).