I've read quite a few threads on 3FC about mothers who put too much pressure on their daughters to lose weight. I also had one of these mothers growing up. She's my best friend now, but we had a rocky relationship through the teen years.
One of the hang-ups I always had about my weight was being the same size - or bigger - than my mother. I hated not being able to fit into some of her clothes. I think that part of this neurosis has been replaced by wanting to be smaller than my husband. I'm not entirely sure why since I don't want to wear his clothes. :: shrug :: I think more pressure was put on me with Mom because we look so much alike that it's easy to look at us side-by-side and see that the difference is that I'm bigger than her, even though I'm 19 years younger.
But I weighed today and finally dropped into the 160s. Woohoo! Mom is one of three people I text weight updates to every Friday morning after I weigh. Today, she weighed herself too and told me... She's only 4 pounds lighter than I am right now!
I feel juvenile putting this out there, but it feels so good to be so close to her weight. I'm still a pants size bigger than her, but I know that as I continue working out and toning up I'll be right there with her. And then? I am totally raiding her closet to make up for years gone by. (Speaking of the husband, I'm now 1 pound lighter than he is. Woot, woot, woot!)
Oh I totally get it. I'm among those who were pressured by their mothers about weight (among other things). She also always worried about her weight, and I know I took some satisfaction in the fact that I was about 10 lbs lighter than her for a long time (she's taller than me, so take those lbs with a grain of salt), even as my weight went up. I passed her a long time ago, but I still remember those thoughts.
I have a skinny husband, and I know I weighed less than him when we first met. I passed his weight a long time ago too, and didn't pay attention on the way up (it may have happened while I was pregnant) but there was a very brief window when I lost a lot of weight and weighed less than him. Again, I don't know why it matters. He's 6', I'm 5'2" so comparing weights is silly, but it would be nice to weigh less than him. (As an aside in the "unfair" category, my husband in addition to being thinner than me, is also less hairy and less sweaty. A girl should have the upper hand somewhere.)
Honestly, I want to weigh less than my mom too. She's never put pressure on me to lose weight, the opposite actually, she's been pretty well convinced for years that I'm meant to be fat. Her comments about her own weight/fatness (even though she's a stick everywhere but her stomach and not overweight at all) and her gloating when she drops a few pounds even though she never exercises and eats like crap drive me to want to be thinner than she is, because she has a way of making me feel like a cow.
I grew up with a mother who was always on the petite size herself. She and I are both 5'2. When she went into labor she weighed 124lbs. 9 months pregnant! I realize that 25 years ago, our food climate was different, and I know my mom had a healthy pregnancy because she did light exercise throughout, and ate healthy, nutritious food. I know it's insane to compare myself to my mom but sometimes I just think--ugh, I've been higher than her 9 month pregnancy weight! Also, I can't really listen to my mom when it comes to how she eats. I wish she'd eat healthier, but she only focuses on calories--so if that means she eats a packet of m&ms as a big part of her daily total--she doesn't care. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, good advice or bad advice (or example) I have to do what works for me. Diet, exercise, weight--it has to be mine, and for me. I know it's hard to not draw comparisons--it's enough to drive you bonkers! Just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Last edited by paperdollme; 07-29-2011 at 02:14 PM.
Reason: spelling
I don't think it's juvenile, it makes perfect sense. We're always told that you are fit and attractive when you're young and then you get old and you put on weight and get wrinkly. But for a lot of us it's different... we grow up overweight and don't change until a bit later in our lives. I've always heard that it's a lot easier to lose weight when you're younger so it's frustrating when your mother seems to have an easier time than you when it comes to maintaining a certain weight even though you have youth on your side.
That's understandable. And it's understandable to want to be smaller than your husband, too; society teaches us that men should be larger than women, and many of us feel less feminine if we are bigger. It's a normal feeling.
I'm don't feel competitive toward my mother, and she is 4 ft. 11, about 118 lbs. (she's big boned), and has an iron willpower. She comes from the old school of dieting that says one must suffer to be thin. Her disciplined eating is a running joke among me and my sisters. She eats her morning oatmeal with no sweetner; we call it her "gruel." She has two meals a day only, and her dinner is usually salad and broiled fish. She snacks on apples and sometimes nuts. The only problem is that she thinks this draconian way of dieting is the only way to really lose weight. She doesn't understand my way of counting calories and allowing myself to eat ice cream, for example, because it fits into my calorie allotment. If I tell her I ate it or she sees me eating it, she might say, "I thought you were on a diet!" I just laugh it off, though. The results I get will be the best reply.
Thanks, ladies! I'm glad I'm not the only one experiencing these kinds of thoughts. I'm lucky that my mom is supportive of my efforts and doesn't think of my weight loss competitively (though sometimes I think competing with someone else would make the process easier for me, lol). I know that she was really just expressing concern in her own way when I was a young'n. I'm the oldest, and most parents start out too strong with the first draft child. (One of many reasons I'm not having children. To think something as mundane as harsh over-the-top concern for my child's appearance could turn into a lifetime of insecurities as the kid grew up and became an adult? Talk about pressure!)
yup, i relate to this too...my mom is waaay thinner than me and i am jealous she can control her weight and i can't. i know that when my mom got married she weighed 125 and i remember i weighed that in 5th grade she told me that..
It's not juvenile, but there is some psychological hold on us for wanting to be as good as our mothers or siblings.
Of course, we forget about frame size and height differences. We just want to be as good as or better. I think that's natural.
I would love to be lighter than my mother in law or husband. They both weigh around 170. I can do it, but it will be tough. They are just so much smaller in frame size than me. My husband has 7 inches on me in height and you betchya it hurts my pride quite a bit that I've always weighed more than him. A woman is not supposed to be heavier than her husband, right? I still remember the sting when we were dating and he could put both his legs in one of my pant legs of my khaki shorts from Lands End. Ironically, I weighed then, about what I weight now (around 190) and he weighed 155.
My mother in law was tall and thin with tiny frame. She had a model,s body and even did some modeling.... So, again, hurts my pride to know i'll not ever have a model size and desirable body...
Funny how we play these mind games with ourselves.
I'm now at an age and maturity to just try to become the best I can be and to stop worrying about what size I wear. But those mental things can still rear their ugly head.
My mother in law was tall and thin with tiny frame. She had a model,s body and even did some modeling.... So, again, hurts my pride to know i'll not ever have a model size and desirable body...
My MIL is pretty much my exact same height but was always super thin when she was young. She's actually probably about my size now (I haven't seen her in a few months) but I always hated knowing how much bigger I was than her before that. Sigh.
My hope is be smaller than her someday. Not sure if it's possible but it would be nice.
I know I will never be as small as my mom. She is 112lbs. She has a very small frame and she is only 3in taller than me. I know I will never look like her genetically (because I am adopted) and I am ok with that. I do know that my birth mother was 5'3 and 130lbs before she got pregnant with me so that is kind of what I am shooting for. I am half asian so I know I can be a lot smaller than I am now. I was given the guilt trip by mother growing up for gaining weight and all it did was make me depressed so I ate more. Now she is very supportive and brags about my weight loss to the whole family and that is definitely more motivational.
Speaking of in-laws! My husband's side of the family is full of TINY women in their 80s and 90s (seriously, the women in his family live forever). His grandmother probably weighs about 80 pounds. We were at a funeral once, and my husband's grandmother said he looked like he had lost weight. He said, "Nah, I weigh about 185." She gasped and said, "But you're not fat!" Ha! Guess how that made me feel, sitting right next to him but 10 pounds heavier. Of course, I know she has a very skewed sense of weight/health/etc., but I'll never forget that, lol.
lin43 - hahaha I chuckled when I read your post. Most of my family is also oatmeal/porridge purists...cream and salt. It's the Scottish way, apparently.
I tell myself that it doesn't bother me that my mom is and almost always has been smaller than me...
But it does.
I want to be able to weigh less than her... I want to be able to wear a size smaller than she does. I want to be able to feel as though I'm not a giant around her... even if she'll always be shorter than me.
Living Up To Mom's Weight Standards
(Speaking of the husband, I'm now 1 pound lighter than he is. Woot, woot, woot!)
I'm lucky that my mom is supportive of my efforts and doesn't think of my weight loss competitively (though sometimes I think competing with someone else would make the process easier for me, lol). I know that she was really just expressing concern in her own way when I was a young'n. I'm the oldest, and most parents start out too strong with the first draft child. 
she told me that..
