I'm having a mental dilemma, and I'd love some input.
So I'm dating this guy, we've been going out for just over a month now. To me, he's ideal in many ways--has an M.A., is a teacher, smart, tall...and bonus, he's HOT. He likes to work out and eat healthy, I noticed right away that he's got some nice (amazing, drool-worthy) arm muscles, and last night when I was with him, I felt a pretty amazing six-pack under his shirt.
The problem is that I'm just having trouble with this match of him and me, in terms of our opposing body types. I don't know if it's that I don't believe it when he says he's attracted to me, or what. Now, intellectually, I know that all kinds of people are attracted to all kinds of people, and just because he's so built and I'm so...not, doesn't mean he couldn't be attracted to me. And if a friend were expressing similar concerns, I would think she were crazy, because why wouldn't he be totally hot for her!
I realize that I'm a lovely, interesting, and yes, attractive woman. I know this. But...at the same time...I just wonder about this man who is so hot and so into me, it doesn't seem possible at all, being the size that I am.
So, any tips on how to just accept this? How to get over this mental block? It just feels like a disconnect, and it's not anything against me at all--it's more a feeling that, how can a guy like this, in the culture that we live in, be attracted to me? I just go back and forth, because as I type this, I see how totally ridiculous this sounds. I'm lovely! But...I'm obese too, and this world has been telling me all my life that hot fit men belong with hot fit women. What to do?!
MY DH isn't esp athletic, but he's a long, tall drink of water. Where since he's met me, I've gone up and down all the way to where I am.
Rarely do I wonder why he's with me. I do wonder at his metabolism because he eats all kinds of crazy that my metabolism could not handle!
Maybe because it is new, you wonder.
When it gets to be an older, established relationship, and you've had all those "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." moments, you will have all the answers and then some to why you guys are together and work so well.
Try to relax and enjoy the new relationship energy.
I wish I could help you but I'm sort of in the same place. I'm not dating him but things might happen... and all I can think is "how the **** am I supposed to be naked (eventually) in front of this guy??" I don't know what to do about it either but I just wanted to show you support.
He is already dating you so we can say he is interested in you. We can do this, I have faith in us!
EDIT: oooh, I said a bad word and the forum censored me! Sorry! I'm a potty mouth!
I'm right there with thaisccs... no real advice, but a ton of I'm-right-there-with-you support. I'm a super confident chica in almost every respect, but I rarely see the signs that I guy might be into me because I don't believe it's true. I mean, I wouldn't have wanted to date me at 250lb, why would anybody else? It's been beaten into me that fat = unattractive. I knew losing the weight wouldn't solve the problem, it's a mental thing. I guess we just have to accept that it might be true, that a guy is into us, and go out on a limb! Just roll with it!
I can understand where you're coming from. I have struggled with my weight all of my adult life (ranging anywhere from 230 to over 300 lbs) and I have somehow managed to reel in the hotties (yes, skinny girlfriends have been jealous-haha).
All I can say is this - not everyone has the same idea of what is hot and what is attractive for a woman. Yes, I can understand the media is really idealizing the stick figure "women," but so many guys appreciate a woman with curves (that's including thunder thighs, hips, and a tummy). I've been with the same guy for 5 and a half years now. He goes to martial arts classes 3 times a week and has the arms, chest, and stomach to show for it. Sure, sometimes I think "how could he want ME"...but it's times like that you just have to get out of your head and into the moment! I think sometimes accepting yourself as you are helps you to be able to accept what he is offering...
why else would he be dating you if he didn't think you were attractive?
I like the simplicity of this question. Unless you suspect he's some kind of scheming chubby chaser, looking to score by preying on the low self esteem of the overweight woman; the only other alternative is that your beauty and brains have forced him to defy the so called laws of todays culture.
He's obviously with you for a reason, whether it be your awesome personality, witty sense of humour, killer smile, the way you look in a hot black dress or all of the above, the point is: he's with you, enjoy it
On a personal level I've been there, done that, married it!I've been big my whole life and my Husband is a former Marine so he's in quite good shape and his mindset is that "real women have curves and curves are sexy and feminine" and when he looks at what Hollywood considers "curvy" he considers thin and unhealthy lol
You'd really be surprised at what men REALLY find attractive verses what the media/hollywood SAY men find attractive.
I SO understand where you are coming from though. When I met my (now) husband, I weighed 300ish pounds. He was tall, thin (a little too thin truth be told) GORGEOUS, and 12 years younger than me. I could not for the life of my figure out why he wanted to date me. In my mind, I worried about every evil scheme that could possibly explain WHY this hotty was into me.
It really took a couple of years for me to just get over it and realize that when someone likes/loves you, the reality is, looks don't matter. My husband saw something in me that had nothing to do with my body or how I felt about it, and it sounds like your man is in the same boat.
I weigh 60-70 lbs more than my husband and he calls me his hot trophy wife. I weighed double his weight when we first started dating. We have a lot of shared interests and we enjoy each other's company. And I know he finds me attractive, just as I find him attractive. My advice is go with it.
You're in a brand new relationship, it's normal to feel a little insecure. If it wasn't about weight, it would be about something else. It's good that you recognize the silliness of the feelings on an intellectual level, but it sucks to still have them, ne? Hopefully they should fade as you get comfortable with him.
Everyone has something about which they are insecure --- the too-big nose, the acne, too flat, too tall ---- and, especially at the beginning of a relationship, such things get blown all out of proportion.
So, you aren't model thin. It's not like he doesn't know it! He is obviously comfortable with your weight ---- you should follow his lead. Just relax and be yourself --- and ENJOY yourself! And strut a little ---- sexy is more attitude than body shape, m'dear.
MY DH isn't esp athletic, but he's a long, tall drink of water. Where since he's met me, I've gone up and down all the way to where I am.
Rarely do I wonder why he's with me. I do wonder at his metabolism because he eats all kinds of crazy that my metabolism could not handle!
Maybe because it is new, you wonder.
When it gets to be an older, established relationship, and you've had all those "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." moments, you will have all the answers and then some to why you guys are together and work so well.
Try to relax and enjoy the new relationship energy.
GL!
A.
i'm in this same boat. when i met my husband i was about 120lbs heavier than him... at about the same height. i think my husband is all kinds of sexy... but i'm also biased. he met me at my heaviest. at 300 pounds to his 180. about a year into the relationship his crohn's flared so bad he spent 18 days in the hospital and over the course of about a month and a half went down to 135, and i probably gained 10 pounds eating fast food on the way home from the hospital and ice cream for comfort when i got home.
it often makes me think of the 'jack sprat' poem. "jack sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean... and so between them both, you see, they licked the platter clean".
it does get easier as time goes on... i can promise that. that anxiety about the size difference was there, no matter how much he held my hand or kissed me in public. TMI here, but my anxiety about my size possibly being a turn off for my husband went away completely the first time we had sex and it was obvious he enjoyed himself. I'm not saying rush into bed with this new guy, just letting you know how it happened for me.
relax and have fun! your confidence will be a turn on... and if your confidence isn't quite there, that's one of those few things you can fake until it's real.
are you really rich or something? If not, I'm guessing that since he's asking you out, he's attracted to you! lol!
I've dated hot guys myself, including weight lifters and other men who put a lot of time into their bodies. It doesn't mean they want the same thing in a woman - I had guys comment about women that I thought were pretty "naw, too skinny!"
attraction is a weird and wonderful thing isn't it? HOW deathly boring if everyone wanted exactly the same thing!
that being said, i KNOW exactly how you feel, as I'm a cynic by nature even tho I'm a positive and happy person something in the back of my mind would always be "hmmmm" when thinner dudes asked me out before I met my DH. Some were chubby chasers, some thought they could control a girl "no one else would want" hahaha, or the old stand-by, if a girl is fat of COURSE that means she'll bang me right away out of gratitude hahahah or how about NONE of the above a$$hole hahahah Guys like that you can spot a mile away so I wouldn't worry about it ~ if he likes you, he likes you. Don't ruin it by getting in your own way, get outta your head!!!
Another hot man, big lady thread...
