My boyfriend says he HATES summer because it is so warm and wants it to be winter and below 30 degrees all year around. He is mopey and only wants to stay inside and be inactive. I am completely the opposite, winter makes me constantly cold and depressed and inactive. We don't live anywhere with extremely high summer temperatures either. Yesterday was the first day it even reached 80 degrees.
I know firsthand that weight loss can affect how outside temperatures affect you. I used to walk around in the winter with jeans and a hoodie and be fine. Now, after losing weight, I need layers and layers in the winter and still get chills.
But I've never hated summer (apart from the self-esteem aspect) so I don't know if this is something that will ever change with him. He is about 100lbs overweight (based on BMI). I love him with all my heart no matter how much he weighs, so I don't know if I should talk to him about it or not. I don't want to come across as shallow or trying to change him, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but if he's miserable in the summer and I'm miserable in the winter, it just seems like that might lead to a dead-end.
Do I bring this up with him or just keep my mouth shut? I know he wants to shed a few pounds anyway, so maybe I should let it be for now. If I should bring it up, how do I go about it without making him think I want to change him?
And as someone who's lost 70 pounds, you already know perfectly well that weight loss has to be something we want for ourselves, not something we're doing because someone else told us we were too fat.
Cook healthy for the both of you, invite him to do fun but active things (go to the pool if it's hot), buy some weights and ask if he wants to start lifting with you at home in the AC? most likely, he'll know youre hinting that he should lose weight.
As someone who is overweight, I KNOW im overweight, and your bf knows he is too. And he probably does want to lose it, but as everyone here knows it's hard and easy to give up and stay the way you are. I spent my life having friends/family talk to me about losing weight and make suggestions, comments, and invite me to walk, run, eat well with them, etc. and every time i remember thinking 'uhhhh do you think i DONT know that Im overweight? Do you think I wouldnt LOVE to lose this weight' but for so many reasons, I wasnt ready and couldnt commit.
Honestly, it got to the point that I just resented the comments/suggestions everytime I heard them. I was just so sick of my weight being what defined me in everyone's eyes.
I don't want to change HIM. I love him for him, no matter what, no matter his size. I'm just trying to think of ways to save our relationship. Or is it hopeless? Sometimes I think I should just gain the weight back so we could move somewhere cold and hate summer together. I'd gain all the weight I lost and more if it meant I could stay with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DCchick
Honestly, it got to the point that I just resented the comments/suggestions everytime I heard them. I was just so sick of my weight being what defined me in everyone's eyes.
That's kind of what I was thinking. That's how I felt too. I just couldn't think of any other reasons he would be so miserably hot in this mild weather... I guess I'll just have to see where this will end up.
I'd be interested if you here from any of our male "chickies" on whether or not their weight loss helped with feeling the heat. For me and many women I know, it made a huge difference. However, my beau is not overweight and was raised in Mississippi but feels the heat much more than I do, and prefers to stay in air conditioning during the hot weather (here we are on 24th day of 90+ degrees already this year).
I have definitely noticed weight loss and my ability to cope with temperatures correlating!
I used to absolutely be dying in hot weather. 77 degrees was nightmarish for me. Of course, I always wore jeans and short sleeved shirts, so wearing shorts/tanks has also helped. Now, I can be comfortable at a higher temperature, and at my last Dr.'s appointment my temperature registered at 96 degrees- guess I've gotten cold blooded!
Personally, I would carefully bring it up- explain how your weight loss has really helped you in the summertime, and that might help motivate him!
Ok wait. You say your relationship is in jeopardy because he hates summer? What does that actually mean, in a practical impact sense? Do you want to move somewhere else from where you met and he doesnt, or vice versa? Do you want an activity partner and he is unwilling? See what I mean...whats the real dealbreaker?
You say you also have a disklike for a season, and ya know many people have these types of preferences but unless it means you want to move to Hawaii because you require 80degree year round temps Im just not sure why the actual season thing is such a big deal?
As long as you have enough common, shared interests to sustain you year round it seems like you could find someone else to share outdoor activities with and not look to your husband to do those things?
Or maybe the weight is the real issue? Could you projecting a generalized desire for him to lose weight on this one easier to discuss issue? His weight may be a dealbreaker for you, and that doesnt mean you dont love him...but it may mean your attraction has changed. Sometimes our own evolution as human beings impacts our perception and hence attraction to others. While it would be nice to force ourselves to feel different, it doesnt work that way. Be honest with yourself and your partner.
Ok wait. You say your relationship is in jeopardy because he hates summer? What does that actually mean, in a practical impact sense? Do you want to move somewhere else from where you met and he doesnt, or vice versa? Do you want an activity partner and he is unwilling? See what I mean...whats the real dealbreaker?
It's a little of both. I want to move for other reasons than just the weather. I don't want to move where it's summer ALL the time, but 6-7 months of winter is too much for me. He wants freezing cold and snow all the time. I also like to go out and do things and he does not. But that's not the main issue. I can do things by myself. I've done that all my life. He refuses to move unless it's to somewhere colder.
Sounds like a deal breaker to me. My BF also hates the heat (not weight related- he's very fit) but he moved to the hottest city in the USA with me because I had a great job offer. Sometimes you have to compromise. If neither of you is willing to compromise, you're dead in the water.
I think k8yk's got it. If no one is going to compromise, there's no hope. His compromise could be trying to lose to make the heat more manageable, but it sounds like it's going to be a tough sell if he is reluctant to do anything in the summer. For most of June-August here, it's at least 30C/86F or so. I hate it, so I am trying to do my running at night. When nighttime won't work, I do some exercise in our basement since we don't have AC (ugh student housing) which is a lot more manageable than the heat upstairs.
My husband is as overweight as I am, but he's far more active than I am, and he LOVES cold weather, and doesn't care for severe heat, but rarely is immobilized by it. I'm extremely sensitive to extreme temperatures, and sudden changes in temperature or weather triggers worsening symptoms of my fibromyalgia to the point that it can not only confine me to home, but to bed. In very cold weather, my joints hurt tremendously. In very hot weather, I have almost an allergic reaction. Yesterday it was in the high 80's and we went to a small flea market - not even two city blocks in length and even though I wasn't overexerting myself (I wasn't sore or winded) I started to sweat profusely and my face swelled and turned bright fuschia (it's still a little inflamed today). After only two hours out, I had to come home and rest for the rest of the day.
A bigger difference is that hubby is a social butterfly, and I tend to be more of a selective hermit. He wants to go out and be with a lot of people several times a week. I like going out only three or four times a month, and I prefer smaller groups to larger crowds. He goes out several times a week without me. Sometimes he stays home with me when he'd rather go out. I sometimes go out with him, even if I'd rather stay home. We make it work, and you can too, but only if you want to. And you don't have to be ashamed of not wanting to, but you've got to be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend about what you want and what compromises you are and aren't willing to make.
Things also can change. My fibromyalgia could go into remission (at least it's a possibility). My husband has a degenerative joint condition that will in all likelihood eventually result in him being confined to a wheelchair. Although he's the more active person now, we will eventually have to change roles (or one or both of us could end up in a nursing home).
What you can and can't deal with, want or do not want to deal with, is a very personal and difficult choice. Before we married, my husband and I talked alot about the various "what ifs." At the time, we were mostly talking about his health issues, because we didn't know about mine (I wasn't diagnosed with fibromyalgia until almost two years into our marriage. I'd had some symptoms, but they didn't become severely life-altering until about six months into our marriage). We were prepared for his potential health issues, but not mine (or at least I wasn't prepared for mine).
Sh** happens, and you deal with it, or you don't. How flexible you choose to be, is pretty much up to the both of you. It's certainly not an impossible task, you just have to decide whether it's worth it. If you're right for each other the sacrifices and adaptations will be worth it, but only you can decide that.
Ya know, some people just run hot. I ran hot when I weighed 125 lbs (which was for most of my adult life). I ran hot when I was a skinny kid - major fights w/my mom about wearing a coat in the winter. When I got fat, I still ran hot. Losing the weight, I still run hot. I imagine that I will always run hot. My brother is the same way and he's never been overweight a day in his life.
You say that you don't want to change him, but your entire post is about changing him.
Here's a great quote I saw recently:
"Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Never overestimate your power to change someone else".
Leave him alone. He owns a mirror. He doesn't need you to tell him he's fat.
The great thing about being the one who is cold is that you can always put on more clothes.
Weight loss and temperature
