I'm afraid this post could be very long and rambly, not sure, but I somehow need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen.
The last few months, since hitting my weight loss goal really, I've not been happy. We've had lots of things go wrong at home which have put us under lots of stress, and caused us financial worries, and I've kept telling myself I've been feeling anxious, angry, irritable, upset and depressed because of that and that once these things got sorted I'd start to feel better. It hasn't happened....
Losing the weight now I look back seemed really easy, I exercised hard, ate healthily and if I wanted something off plan per say I just told myself no and it worked.
However since I hit goal I can't seem to find a balance at all. I needed to start eating more to stop me losing more weight, but that's where the problems started. I think my brain is a mess because whenever I eat something which would formerly be off plan it's as if a switch is flicked and this voice says oh well, you've been bad now, you might as well keep eating, all those things you wanted and didn't have much while losing, get them all and eat them quick because you need to go back on plan tomorrow. And so those small extras have been turning into huge binges. Up to 4 days in a row on one occasion... I then tried eating a little more during the week, a small extra snack on a night, in the hope that not feeling as deprived mid week would stop me ending up binging on a weekend, but that hasn't worked either, it's just meant I've eaten even more overall...
My lowest weight was 130.2lbs but I haven't seen that number in weeks now. The number on the scale shoots up over the weekend when I'm binging, then I work desparately hard during the week to get it back down again, but I'm still not able to get it back that low before the next binge hits. If I'm honest I'd say I'm averaging about 135lbs now so up about 5lbs. I know a lot would say that 5lbs is nothing to stress over, but I am stressed over it. I don't feel like I'm in control anymore, like I can't fight the binges long enough to make any headway in losing those extra pounds. I feel like I'll never see that low weight again and it's just a matter of time before all the 140+ pounds I lost will be back on...
I realised this morning that I feel like my slim body (albeit with lots of sagging skin which really upsets me and cannot be rectified without surgery, which we can't afford) is actually just a disguise and I'm putting on an act, and it's still the same me hiding inside, sad, depressed, lonely etc, and it's only a matter of time before the weight goes back on and everyone realises what a fraud I am... I made so many new friends while losing the weight, at the gym etc, and deep down I feel like if I gain the weight back they will no longer want be my friends, like the instructors who were so encouraging will be disgusted with me, like the people who have said I'm an inspiration will be disappointed in me, and those people who didn't think I'd do it will rub their hands together and laugh at me behind my back and say they knew I couldn't keep it off.
So I feel under such huge pressure to keep the weight off and so maintain this disguise. During the week I have to keep up the facade because I'm at the gym, seeing all these people each day, then on a weekend when it's usually just DH, DD and I, and the pressure is off I feel like I can't keep up the front anymore and the binge takes hold. I lost this weight for me and me alone, so why do I now feel such a huge responsibility to keep it off because I'm so terrified of what other people will think? Why can't I be proud and happy with what I achieved and enjoy where I am? Why can't I get the me inside to be at peace with the me outside?
This last week has been the worst week mood wise and I hit rock bottom last night while watching tv with DH when I suddenly had some very vivid suicidal thoughts. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in about 3 years, so this shocked me to the core. I made an excuse to go to bed and just broke down when I got upstairs. I haven't cried like that in as long as I can remember, and when DH came to bed even though I'd dried my face etc he knew something was very wrong and I ended up blurting everything out. He did listen and try to help, but he really doesn't understand my depression or my weight issues. I explained that I desparately don't want to go back on anti-depression medication as while they have worked short term in the past, in the end they've just made me numb to everything, and I've had one **** of a time getting off them afterwards. Cognitive behaviour therapy worked well for me for other issues so I agreed I would ring my old therapist today and see if I could arrange to go and see him again.
There is no answer on the number I have for him this morning and a search of the internet hasn't brought anything up either so I'm now assuming he is no longer there, although I am going to keep trying. I'm that desparate that I've rung my doctor and have made an appointment for next Monday to see him. I could see someone else sooner but I don't trust anyone else like I do him and he helped me so much in the past. I just don't know if I can actually get through the next week, and even then I can only see him giving me medication which I really don't want, so what's the alternative?
The only saving grace today is that DD is off school sick with a high temp, headache and iffy tummy, so I'm having to hold it together for her sake. Left to my own devices today I know there would be lots more tears and black thoughts....
Sometimes it helps to get it all off your chest. Seeing your therapist is probably a very good idea at this point.
I'm no expert, but as far as I'm concerned, maintaining is just as hard as losing. We just have to come to terms with that reality. There are a lot of us that struggle with the day to day temptations and several of us that have regained some of our losses (and I'm one, trying now to re-lose the weight).
Because I can feel how much you need one of these, through the screen.
Listen: The weight loss is not your sole achievement in life. You are not just your weight loss. You have worth as a person, because of your mind & your feelings & your relationships & activities. The weight loss is not like a lucky winning streak that you have to strain to keep up & you are NOT a complete failure if you eat.
Also, it's okay to feel black despair & sorrow & loneliness. What you don't want to do is to eat when you feel like this. You can shove all the food you want into the black hole & that will still not fill it up.
Sometimes you just have to ride out the wave, white-knuckled, when there is no hope in the world. You just have to sit it out.
I swear, after the wave closes over your head, you will surface again.
You were right to get up & leave the room & go to your bed & cry it out & then talk to your husband.
And you are right to post here.
And you are absolutely doing the right thing by reaching out to your therapist.
You see yourself as someone barely holding it together. I see a woman who is fighting very hard & doing some very sane things to get help & who could use a rope thrown to her.
Please check in here daily or twice a day till you get some help.
Also check in if you feel some buoyancy & you feel like the blackness is clearing a little. I'd be interested to hear from you at what moments that happens. When do you feel safe & happy? There have to be some moments like that. Tell me what's made you feel okay over the past few days. I am sure it is not unrelentingly black & there have been "normal" safe & happy times.
Height: 5 ft 8.5" athlete who can give a punch & certainly take one too! :)
loving me, girl I am loving you, big hugeroos to you girl!!!! . Sorry to read of your struggle deep inside..... . Remember you are beautiful inside and out regardless of how your feeling, sometimes our head messes with us & you gotta try to push any negative thoughts away... Glad your reaching out seeking a therapist, I wish you nothing but the best today, tomorrow and always, you accomplished so much & that is something to be proud of. This
deep dark funk shall pass, talk it all out and I am sure you will feel better getting your thoughts and fears all out there which will help you deal with your struggles. big hugerrooos.
First, stop being a people pleaser, you are right in saying you are doing it for yourself. I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. Losing weight and getting to goal is only half the battle. I find that I still need to plan ahead for my meals and I need to follow my plan if I want to stay at goal. Yes, I have urges to binge and I admit I sometimes give in to them but I always remember I do not want to go back to where I was, I don't want to start all over again.That was my pattern in the past.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You have proven you can do it. I appreciate the honesty you have shown here.
As others have said here, you did good things for yourself by talking to your husband and by posting here. Finding your therapist, perhaps through some professional organization, sounds like an important step as well.
You are not alone with your negative thoughts...so many of us here have been there, and know what it's like. And maintaining our goal weight is a challenge for us all for the reasons we all know so well.
Hope you know you can share here and get support as often as you need to. We all know how our emotions can seem to take over and defy all logical thinking at times, especially when under the stress you are going through. All of us know what it's like to deal with those emotions by eating and then realize afterward that it didn't help.
I try to keep on hand a particular thick soup that I like that's practically no calories and that I can turn to in large quantities (I haven't entirely lost my turn-to-food tactics when stressed) but it's low-cal and nutritious so it's my fall-back in tough times. Is there something you can eat for comfort that is 1. low cal 2. enjoyable for you 3. pre-planned for those times.
And above all, remember to love your precious self....
I think losing weight can take pressure and attention away from other problems and give us something to focus on that is simple. It's easy compared to dealing with the real issues in life, right? Eat less, exercise, see the weight come off, everybody congratulates you, you feel like you're winning, people compliment you constantly, you DO start to feel like THIS is why people like you. THIS is your crowning achievement in life. Forget the fact that you're a wonderful person, a loving wife, a supportive friend, and all the other things you are. Nobody congratulates you for that.
I totally related to your post. I find when things are going wrong in my life, I want to get back to losing more weight- even though I'm at the weight I want to be at. Because it's so much easier to focus on that than it is to focus on what's going on inside. I don't have any answers, but I think therapy sounds very necessary for you right now. Binging is an eating disorder and nothing to be taken lightly. I know people think eating disorders are only serious if you're starving to death or making yourself throw up- but if you are eating to satisfy emotional issues, you are not dealing with those emotional issues and you definitely need to change that before it gets any worse.
It's so hard to just "stop caring so much what other people think of you" but you do have to find a way to do that. This is no way to go through life.
Loving me--
How very brave you are to post your innermost thoughts and feelings. I think so many of us have felt some of your feelings to some extent.
I am so sorry you are suffering so much.
Please do get the help you need to work through this.
Weight loss is a big transformation. I think our head takes a long time to catch up to our body and obviously many issues don't go away just because we lose weight.
Many hugs to you. Please check in and let us know how you are.
Before I say anything I just want you to know that we're all cheering for you and we all want you to get better. You are so much more than your weight loss like saef said.
I can relate to the intense pressure you feel to keep it off. I've gained about 5 lbs back through weekly/biweekly binges and while no one else seems to notice, I most certainly do. The amount of control we feel we have to show is really overwhelming. I hope therapy will help you and the weight of feeling this way is lifted off your shoulders.
After I reached goal, a friend asked me, "Isn't your life perfect now?" I responded no. Losing weight is not going to make our lives perfect. We still have to deal with the day-in/day-out stresses of life. We still struggle with staying on our plans. I'm sorry you are struggling, but I'm also so proud of you for realizing that you need help and are seeking it out. (((((Hugs))))) to you!
I'm glad your getting help & I know how you feel, what you said sounded like the way I think. I have this thing about people thinking I'm a failure if i don't keep the weight off, if I gain 5 or more pounds, i don't want anyone I know to see me til I lose the weight. I think very much like you except for the suicidal thoughts. The pressure is overwhelming & binging takes that away temporarily, but just makes things worse. I'm trying to maintain, it will be two years in August. My weight went up 12lbs. from the same reasons yours went up. I want so badly to be at my goal weight again by my 2yr. maintenance anniversary. I don't want to be a failure again(this is the third time losing) You just have to make up your mind to get back to basics, you know what works to lose weight, you have the knowledge. That's what I did, now I'm only 5 lbs away from my goal. You can lose those 5 lbs. but you have to get determined!
Time To Face It, I'm In A Mess
. Sorry to read of your struggle deep inside..... 
. Remember you are beautiful inside and out regardless of how your feeling, sometimes our head messes with us & you gotta try to push any negative thoughts away... Glad your reaching out seeking a therapist, I wish you nothing but the best today, tomorrow and always, you accomplished so much & that is something to be proud of. This 
