[mysupersalami]

hi all,
im sara all the way in nz. I started my weight loss journey in jan 2008 weighing 96.5kg at my heaviest. Lost 35kg eating up to my points then at a point my weight slowed down/stopped so someone suggested I stop eating carbs at night and sure enough it kicked started again. At the same time I got a chest infection and couldnt eat a thing and when I jumped on the scale again I had lost 2kg in a week just from not eatin so then it all began. I started restricting and only eating veges at night with 6 chicken nuggets. I went to the gym every day having sunday off. The weight came off and I got to 55kg. My goal kept changing to 55, 54, 53, 52. I got to 52kg but with struggle. With food fights, yet I ignored them. I was grumpy, irritable, *****y. you name it. I could go out socially, my hubby was frustrated with me. I ate the same thing everynight.

Drunk water, tea and coffee and one meal a day was my life.

I fell pregnant last year in March and even throughout preg I restricted and went to gym twice per day. Baby Jacob was and is fine, no growth restriction. I started on cililopram (antidepressent) and was seen by an eating disorder liason who told me my weight was healthy, bmi healthy, it was okay to eat veges and wishes she could and many people exercise that much. Well I came out feeling dismissed and determined to lose more weight to be taken seriously.

However for thepast month I have only been able to restrict maybe 3-4 days of the week and then I binge. Now I have been told that my binges are not really binges but are eating normally. Not to me, because I am not use to eting anything that goes in my mouth is a binge. I dont go straight to mcd's or whatever but I crave carbs, subway, will have 4 slices toast, eat pastries, chocolate. I will eat when I am full becasue I feel that the day after I have to restrict so I eat as much as I can as I cant have it 2mrw. For me it is a binge.

If I eat breakfast, even just 2 slices toast, thats it, I have eaten something that I dont normally have or do so that day is a write off. It is all or nothing.

I restricted for 5 days last week then come saturday I was good, went to do pump at gym but then my 5 yr old asked me to eat lunch with him, I couldnt say no to him, his face lit up when I said I would eat. but that was a write off. and knowing i dont exercise on a sunday i decided I would try to eat 3 meals per day but then my mind intervend and then it turned into eating spag bol for tea, choco, custard etc. Even today was a write off.

It seems I am having more binge days then restricting and I am not 54kg - well that was friday so goodness knows what I am now.

Look im sorry to go on and tell you what seems like my life story is
sara

[happytobeamomof2]

sara - i noticed your post earlier today but didn't have time to post anything... I see that no one else has posted yet... I wanted you to know that I read it, I understand it, I did not live the same thing you did but I do understand and hope that you find support here!!!

[serendipity907]

I feel like I can relate to some of what you've said. I've binged, restricted, overexercised and purged on and off over the years. I also got a lot of praise for the exercising despite how unhealthy it really was. The rest I kept quiet and i guess it thrived because I was so secretive and good at putting up a pretense that everything was fine.

I'd really recommend looking around for another counselor or someone who specializes in ED's. I have felt the same way very often, I've never been clinically underweight so I didn't feel like I deserved trying to work out my food issues, how bad could they be right? But in my opinion ED's are about what goes on in your mind, the weight gain and loss are just side effects.

Try and see it as a positive thing that you're a healthy weight now, which will give you a better starting ground to move on from eating issues. Trying to normalize the amount of calories you eat every day, 1500 or so would be a great starting point and you'll probably feel a lot healthier by not having so many up/down days in terms of calories.

I've been in counseling with an ED specialist for a while and it really has helped. They were never dismissive because my weight was healthy. It was maintained it an unhealthy way, obsessive habits, preventing a normal life etc.
I don't think you should necessarily listen to whoever said your binges aren't binges. It's how you feel about it which counts, and there's obviously something up with it.

Often being at a higher weight can mask the problems you're describing now. So maybe you can think about why you feel the need to restrict/binge/write off days? A decent ED counselor will explore why you do what you do properly as they realize these things have a way of developing quicker with no intervention.

In the mean time you could start a food diary and along with what you eat/drink/exercise write how you feel about it and why you chose things(Doesn't have to be long just a few words to sum it up). I've been doing this and it can be quite enlightening.

I hope some of this can be helpful to you