[PElaine]

Hi all,

Elaine here, compulsive binge eater. In recovery and abstinent.

My life has been defined by lonliness and I know my binge eating disorder was a direct result of this lonliness. One of the things I realized recently is that while I am always trying to stay connected with people, relatives included, as a way to keep from feeling lonliness, it seems that the more I try to connect with people, the more lonely I feel and I really think it is because I rarely, if ever, get any support or caring from the people around me.

Yesterday was my nephews 13th birthday. I live on the East Coast, they live on the West Coast. I knew he wanted a Gamespot gift certificate, so I bought one on line and sent it to him via his parent's email address. I called yesterday to wish him a happy birthday and he was wonderful on the phone, but never mentioned anything about the gift certificate. Being only 13, I don't expect much, so I asked if he had gotten it and if he liked it. Turns out, neither my brother and SIL had bothered to print it out for him or even tell him it was there. I know you may be thinking, maybe they just got busy and had other things on their mind. No, thats not the case, they were just ambivalent about it because they are ambivalent about alot of things related to me and they do this sort of stuff all the time. When I try to talk to them about it, they won't. The gift certificate had been sitting in their email box for days and they never even bothered to shoot me an email to say thank you or just let me know it was there.

I felt angry about the incident and went for a walk and found myself being pulled to go to McDonalds and cut my walk short. I realized I wasn't hungry and I really didn't want to actually eat. What I wanted was to feel better after being let down and frustrated by my brother and SIL for the 100 thousandth time. I reminded myself that hurting myself with junk food and cutting my walk short wasn't going to magically transform anyone into a loving, caring person, and while it might take my mind off the hurt, it won't heal the hurt.

I let go of the urge to go to the fast food place and finish my walk and I realized much later that night that any desire to eat at McDonald's was just gone, at least for that night. In the past, I wouldn't process the urge to binge, but just dig my heels in and not give in, and that urge would stay with me for days.

By getting to the bottom of the desire and peeling away the reasons and replacing them with logic, I was able to let go of the desire to binge and did not have any of that building up of the urge to binge that isn't so much a letting go but simply a delay.

Anyway, needed to share and hope this helps.

Elaine

[surfergirl2]

That makes me sad Shame on your brother and SIL!

Good for you. It's all about how we handle it mentally...since binge eating is a mental disorder.

Well i failed yesterday--binged--but today i feel different than i did in the past after a binge. Physically i feel different--in the past i'd crave MORE sugar, but today i'm actually kind of full (in the past i wouldn't be). Mentally too--i feel good, like i can just move on. And i'm happy that i'm actually craving healthy foods today. That never used to happen.

[beerab]

That's kind of mean, it's JUST a gift certificate. Maybe next time just mail it to the house?

I guess in the end you just have to realize this is on them and not you- I can't imagine what their reasoning is for acting the way they are.

[missunshine]

i hate that kind of relatives. i have the same problem, my brother and i and the rest of my family went along very well untill one woman got pregnant with him, and she's 12 years older than him. we didn't know anything about it untill she was like 7 months pregnant. my mother almost had a nervous breakdown, because he was her only son, and instead of making her proud she felt embarrased but she still loves him and my little nephew, but she started to exploit him for money and when he tried leaving her but she threatened to take the baby and never let him see him. anyway it's such a long story, and i totally get you. maybe you should write them a letter why do they treat you this way, especially if they're your only family. when one of my sisters did that to me i just cut myself off and ignored her for a while. but the worst is for kids to see these kind of things happening.

[wendyland]

That's great that you were able to realize why you wanted to go to McDonalds and not go. I'm still trying to sort all that out with myself. I'm an only child with little family of my own. I don't relate to most of the family that I do have. It's tough sometimes.

It seems like a lot of people are like your family. I know we have some in our family. Maybe they're put into our lives to teach us a lesson or vise versa. I try to be the best that I am and hope that someone notices and passes on the niceness. Paying it forward.

And sometimes we don't get what we need from our families and need to find it elsewhere. There are a lot of different types of groups on meetup. I recently found an activity group that does things like potlucks, game nights, outtings, etc...

[PElaine]

Originally Posted by beerab

That's kind of mean, it's JUST a gift certificate. Maybe next time just mail it to the house?

I guess in the end you just have to realize this is on them and not you- I can't imagine what their reasoning is for acting the way they are.

I've been trying to figure this out for years! Why they behave the way they do. My mother use to blame me for her unhappiness to my brothers... so I think that some of the resentment towards me has to do with this brainwashing, that I was somehow deliberately making my mother unhappy. Another part of it is, I never married or had children (by choice) and for a long time, my brother and SIL tried to convince me to move out to California and live with them because they thought it would be good for their children to have a relative around. What they were overlooking is that I have a life on the East Coast and I am really not interested in being the old maid live-in aunt who they see as a 24/7 babysitter. Once I made it clear once and for all that I will not be moving to California, end of discussion, they cut me off emotionally. But, there were issues before that, they just tried harder to hide them.

I wouldn't have anything to do with them except I want a relationship with my neice and nephew, I just don't think I should have to give up my life to have one.

Oh well. Family, you can't live with them and you can't live with them :-)

Elaine

[ShanIAm]

Hello East Coast neighbor. I was just getting ready to respond to your post when I saw that you responded to mine. Thanks for that, btw. Nice to know someone understands! And speaking of understanding, I totally understand your sitch as well. I am not married and do not have any children by choice too. My sister, hubby and kids live in NJ. Not far but far enough to where I don't connect with them often. So, yeah, I often get the "cold shoulder" from them as well. I feel out of touch but not for a lack of trying. They just don't help me get in touch.

I'm sorry that your brother and SIL didn't come through for you by giving your nephew his gift from Aunt Elaine! And what is that about anyway? It seems as if it is not only hurting you but not passing along a gift to their own son on his birthday?!? What's that about???

[4star]

Oh it's sad they are so inconsiderate! At least you were able to get in touch with your nephew and tell him a gift was waiting for him. He knows you care, even if his parents have their head in the clouds somewhere. That will matter a lot to him when he's older.

Good for you for not using food to cope with the slight.

[PElaine]

Originally Posted by ShanIAm

Hello East Coast neighbor. I was just getting ready to respond to your post when I saw that you responded to mine. Thanks for that, btw. Nice to know someone understands! And speaking of understanding, I totally understand your sitch as well. I am not married and do not have any children by choice too. My sister, hubby and kids live in NJ. Not far but far enough to where I don't connect with them often. So, yeah, I often get the "cold shoulder" from them as well. I feel out of touch but not for a lack of trying. They just don't help me get in touch.

I'm sorry that your brother and SIL didn't come through for you by giving your nephew his gift from Aunt Elaine! And what is that about anyway? It seems as if it is not only hurting you but not passing along a gift to their own son on his birthday?!? What's that about???

I agree, it was a shabby way to treat me, but an even more shabby way to treat their son. I know I shouldn't judge, but I know my SIL and brother love their son, I am not always so sure they actually like their son. He is a difficult child, has an IQ off the chart but a major handfull in the behaviour department. My SIL has always considered his behaviour to be not normal and has had him to psychiatrists a number of times over the years, I am not so sure he just isn't being a boy and she hasn't been around children enough to know that this is the way kids are. I've seen her talk to him in an angry tone of voice that sent chills down my spine. I don't what their deal is. Sometimes even when I am with them, I feel like I am just invisible to them. They carry on a conversation between themselves and don't include me like I am not even in the room. Its just weird. In 2005 when my mother was dying, my brother and SIL came out here just so he could say goodbye to her and they spent most of the time away from the hospital Christmas shopping. They are clueless.

Elaine

[4star]

Originally Posted by PElaine

I agree, it was a shabby way to treat me, but an even more shabby way to treat their son. I know I shouldn't judge, but I know my SIL and brother love their son, I am not always so sure they actually like their son. He is a difficult child, has an IQ off the chart but a major handfull in the behaviour department. My SIL has always considered his behaviour to be not normal and has had him to psychiatrists a number of times over the years, I am not so sure he just isn't being a boy and she hasn't been around children enough to know that this is the way kids are. I've seen her talk to him in an angry tone of voice that sent chills down my spine. I don't what their deal is. Sometimes even when I am with them, I feel like I am just invisible to them. They carry on a conversation between themselves and don't include me like I am not even in the room. Its just weird. In 2005 when my mother was dying, my brother and SIL came out here just so he could say goodbye to her and they spent most of the time away from the hospital Christmas shopping. They are clueless.

Elaine

Gosh, yeah sounds like they are off in their own little world.

Some people really don't know how to value a precocious child. Some adults just don't know how NOT to be offended when a child out-wits them. It really baffles me when people start talking about "behavioral issues" when often the child has a very logical method of understanding that they use to process the world. It's usually NOT that they don't want to "do as they are told" but want to understand why they are being told to do x,y, or z. Sometimes people just see this as opposition to authority when it's a basic need to process the world so it can be understood. JMO

[ping]

Hello! Just stumbled to this site--I am binge eating and don't know why. I dieted for YEARS and suddenly I don't care if I eat horridly or not exercise. At night I eat a LOT of Hershey's chocolate. I have had changes the past few years--all my children are married and it's just me and my husband at home. Should be fun and it is but I feel a little depressed all the time. Any suggestions?