Iīm not even sure where to begin and how to try and put on paper everything Iīm feeling without seeming highly confusing and way too long... Iīll do my best, I promise.
A little background:
About 2,5 years a go a friend, who had been a friend with benefits for over 1 year became my boyfriend after I told him I had feelings for him and couldnīt go on as friends with benefits. Two months after that, I move to Boston. I come visit him in Madrid often, and he also goes to Boston a couple times to visit me. After about 10 months of being long distance, I move back to Madrid. Iīm the one who suggests it and heīs on board with the idea. We move in together.
One year into living together, I find out he was planning to spend a weekend with another woman. I found out before it actually happened and Iīm pretty sure he had never done anything like that before. Nevertheless I break up with him. He says he is incredible sorry, that he was an idiot, that he took me for granted, but he realized that Iīm the best thing that happened to him and he begs for a second chance. When I press for the whys, He says he was going to do it because he never did something like it before and was curious. I say thatīs bull**** and he finally says that although he is still sexually attracted to me, it has fizzled and that he feels guilty that my desire for him is bigger than his for me. A lot more pleading for a second chance goes on and I give in.
Fast foward to today, I still havenīt got over the almost cheating, he has changed, he is a lot more attentive and caring with me. But still I canīt get over it. My problem with him has always been that I donīt feel him as commited as I am to the relationship, that I always did a lot more for us than he would be willing to. The only solution I could think of was marriage, not now ofcourse, but if I knew that he would be willing to do it, within a year, once weīre stable and in a good place, I would feel convinced that he is commited and would be able to let the past in the past and move on.
After some discussion he agreed, but I donīt know ...
I was wondering if anyone went through something similar... is there anything I can try to do to get over it ? Or should I call it quits? I do love him very much, and it would hurt me considerably if I had to break up with him... but being as I am right now is not sustainable ...
I’m reading this book called It’s called a breakup because it’s already broken. Very good book actually with a lot of incite on it. I would really suggest finding it and reading it. Obviously things are easier said then done but I always said to myself, relationships can’t be built off of being F-buddies and majority of times that is true UNLESS you are the exception but hardly anyone is ever the exception.
If you caught him sticking his dink elsewhere, who knows how long he’s been doing it. (he’s only groveling to get you back because he was caught, if he didn’t get caught he’d STILL be doing it.)Men like that like to have their cake and eat it too. The trust is ALREADY broken, and you can’t even move on past the fact he cheated, so why are you going to continue to put yourself through this heartache. Sure some girls get cheated on and their man comes back to them and they end up falling madly in love and so on and he never does it again, but again they are the exception.
Obviously you are going to come on here for advice and people are going to give you very different thoughts in things, but in the end you are going to come up with your own judgment.
Ask yourself if you can ever trust him again?
Write all the GOOD things and the BAD things about the relationship.
Take 30 days away from him no contact nothing at all and allow yourself some space and to get your head on straight. Maybe you’re feelings will change once he is away from you and not manipulating you. You’re obviously still too emotional to make any rash decisions.
Also I don't know if your doing it but if you are stop being so dependant on him and start getting out there hanging out with your friends, working on improving yourself and start doing all the things you love again. Even if you decide to stay with him, men hate it when you depend on them for your happiness so get out there and start being independant.
I would definitely get that book though.
Good luck to you.
I agree with everything MiZTaCCen said. I married a man that cheated while engaged to me. He did the whole song and dance about never again and please please please forgive him blah blah blah. B.S. He continued to cheat on me again and again after I forgave and married him. Please remember that if he's a cheater, HE'S ALSO A LIAR! In my case, a chronic habitual pathological liar. Move on. If it's like this now, can you imagine how it will be in a couple years or more? Move on and find an honorable man whose word is good. Find someone worthy of you. He will cheat on you when your back is turned. Don't give your heart to him. You can do better. Just my opinion. Best of luck to you.
I am one of the rare exceptions where he DID change. I was with this man for 18 months when all h3ll broke loose and his lies came to the forefront. I was head over heels in love with him and it devastated me. It wasn't as cut & dried as "He cheated on me..." He had a very complicated past and had been through a lot in his life. He had actually never had someone hold him accountable for his actions. He told he later he did the things he did so I would dump him and walk away before I learned about the sadness in his history.
I ended up giving him a list of things he had to do to make things right in his life, not because he had a prayer of getting me back, but because if he didn't, he'd never be able to move on to a healthy life and a healthy relationship. D@mn if he didn't do every last thing on that list.
From the day I found out about "the truth" there hasn't been a single lie. And since the day he checked the last item off his "to do" list, he's been by my side, day and night. We were married in October.
Now, that being said.... An engagement or a marriage is not going to make you any more confident in your man. You also can't talk him into marriage, thinking it's going to keep him from straying. If he's telling you that he almost cheated because he wasn't as sexually attracted to you as you are to him... I'd have walked away immediately.
You can't spend your time wondering what's in his head. My relationship was saved because after 18 months of questions and doubts, every last fear I had was put to rest. If I'd had a single moment of doubt or if I wondered even once if he was being honest with me, I'd have walked away immediately - and he knows that.
No one on the outside can really understand the inner workings of your relationship. In the end it has to be about what you want and what you are willing to accept.
Anyone can say that they love you. Words are easily committed. Do his actions speak the same?
Don't settle for a man because he might be willing to marry you at some point in the future. Marry a man that adores you and can't wait to spend the rest of his life with you. Anything less will only lead to you getting hurt and regretting the time you wasted on his sorry butt.
I haven't read the other replies/advice yet as I had to immediately comment.
I am too in a very similar situation.
I've been living with my boyfriend (we also started off as f-buddies and started dating a month after) since August and we moved to Calgary in September. In Feb, my friend was upset because she found her ex on plentyoffish and showed me his profile. Me being curious, I looked up my boyfriend's account and found out he changed his city to Calgary and that he was single. All the sirens came on and I logged into his email account and found emails from him messaging girls that he was "wanting to meet a fun girl to mess around/have sex with". The messages started at the end of Nov and up to that point (that's almost 3 months of him hiding behind my back). I immediately approached him and at first he denied it all - saying it was messages from before we first got together. Uh no - I'm not stupid, I checked the date and the most recent message was from that day. He finally gave in to admitting when he realized I wasn't stupid about it. He gave me ALL the same answers as your boyfriend "he was stupid, he didn't realize what he could have lost, he did it out of attention/curiosity and was never planning on falling thru with it, he didn't know why he did it, he wants to be with me not them, I'm not putting out enough"... on and on and on. He says he didn't actually meet any of the girls and I didn't see him give out his addy/phone number in his messages and couldn't find proof that he did. He deleted his account on the spot [without me asking] and said "if I didn't delete this when I should have, it wouldn't have happened". No it wouldn't have happened if you respected me and loved me... I said he would have to want to change for himself - not me forcing to change his behaviours or else I couldn't rationally be with him. He said he would and he has 100% changed thus far [it's only been a couple of months since this incident].
He has been more affectionate, lovey dovey, and talking about wanting to marry me. However, I'm still experiencing the same feelings as you are. I don't think I will ever be able to forget this, but maybe can forgive. I feel like I have been "emotionally" or "almost-cheated" on. I'm still on my toes and being cautious. I know it will take time, and lots of it, before "I" can see if he has truely changed and is wanting this. So far I haven't doubted him once.
So yes - I have been in a similar experience and continue to experience it. I can't really tell you what to do or what not to do. Every relationship is different in itself and I'm still trying to figure out the path I should take. But so far, I have chosen to stick thru the relationship with him and will continue from there as he has proven to me that he can, and has been wanting, to change and work on this relationship with me. I told him that he only has this one chance, which he has earned, and if I find out again that he is "cheating" that it will be over. I know in my heart that I will follow thru with breaking up with him if he does this again... I am truly not just saying it.
Last edited by SweetScrumptious; 04-04-2011 at 12:36 PM.
I can see that there are already many different opinions on what you should do. I tend to agree with the person that said "no one knows the ins of your relationship" and that is the truth. Let me tell you a little bit about my story, it is similar to yours..
My now husband and I were dating when he was promoted transfered to Las Vegas, Nevada for his job. I have a child from a previous marriage and so I broke things off when he decided to go. After about a week of being apart and "broken up" we decided that was not the right decision. So, we continued our relationship long distance. I still to this day do not know for a fact what he did while I was here and he was there. I moved to Las Vegas about 5 months after he did. I moved on October 5th, 750 miles away from everything I knew to be with him. At the end of October I learned that he had been cheating. The weird thing was, that I never found evidence that he cheated while I was will in Boise. Everything was from October 10th on. So He was cheating on me AFTER I moved down there. Like your man, he begged and pleaded, on his knees. I obviously was in no position to take him back, so for the next two weeks he begged and pleaded, he cried, and he didnt eat. There was no way for me to just leave the house because I had just moved there alone, and had no friends or financial means to pack everything back up and come home. I dont know your religious beliefs so excuse me if I impose, but I just asked God to show me his true heart. I prayed and prayed that he would show me the path I was to follow and what I should do. God spoke to me and told me to forgive him and showed me an image of the man my husband is today. I could not ask for a better man. I wont sit here and say it was easy as pie, it was hard, it was hard for a couple years after, but it was soooo worth it! My husband and I just celebrated our one year anniversary and I can say with out a doubt in my mind, that he would never ever hurt me. This is my personal experience.
Now, for the psychological part of it. Many people will say that once a cheater always a cheater, and thats just too bad. Thats just like saying "once an obese person always an obese person" (I thought that fitting for this site ) There are many factors that go into making a person who they are. One of the most common reasons men cheat is because they dont have self worth. Sad but true. Their self esteem is so low, this is their pick me up. Much like an emotional eater, eats. A person who is obese is not defined by obesity, and a person who cheats isnt defined by cheating. It doesnt make them who they are. They can change, just as hard as it is to change your diet and exercise, it is hard to change those actions. When a person partakes in that particular behavior they feel as though something is gained, even though its not. Its about changing that idea of what is good and what is right. People can change. Sometimes it takes a good woman for a man to realize what he is missing out on. Sometimes not even that will work.
As stated before, the only advice I can give is for you to evaluate your relationship, him, and yourself. Weigh out the pros and cons. Is the relationship worth what it will take to get over the past? And will you even be able to get over it? Forgiveness is MUCH easier said than done, but when we hold grudges, we are allowing the person who hurt us to continue to hurt us. If you decide to stay in the relationship- you HAVE to let go completely. Otherwise the relationship will end eventually, more than likely with more pain.
I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Just remember one thing, no matter what you chose to do, chose to be over what happened, for your own sake!
Thank you guys SO MUCH for listening and for your insights. For sharing your stories, I know thatīs not always easy!
It helped putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, and it helped a lot hearing that Iīm not alone.
Iīm trying to figure things out, it would be unfair of me to say he didnīt change, because he did. I just donīt know if itīs enough. Iīm a mess right now, I change my mind constantly and although he said he would be open to some time apart if I wanted, as long as we didnīt break up, I just canīt do that. I canīt do limbo.
So, right now, I donīt think I can make a decision. So Iīll concentrate on taking care of me, and on trying to make it work with us, and Iīm hoping that the focusing on me part, getting back to eating well and exercising, will sooner rather than later bring some clarity.
At a loss....
) There are many factors that go into making a person who they are. One of the most common reasons men cheat is because they dont have self worth. Sad but true. Their self esteem is so low, this is their pick me up. Much like an emotional eater, eats. A person who is obese is not defined by obesity, and a person who cheats isnt defined by cheating. It doesnt make them who they are. They can change, just as hard as it is to change your diet and exercise, it is hard to change those actions. When a person partakes in that particular behavior they feel as though something is gained, even though its not. Its about changing that idea of what is good and what is right. People can change. Sometimes it takes a good woman for a man to realize what he is missing out on. Sometimes not even that will work.
