What did the bagel ever do to me? ...I know it's long but please read it.
I'm only 20 years old, but I've been through a lot.
I'm bi-polar to start, & haven't been on medications in over 2 years (& able to manage that)...but these past few months have been especially hard.
1)The only counselor to ever see me eye-to-eye passed away.
2)My soul mate best friend, my "sister", has cerebral palsy & is in the hospital almost every week now...they think she either has water on the brain, a detached spine or a brain tumor.
3)The man I'm most definitely in love with (who is actually my ex & has been for 10 months now) says he loves me too(which I do know to be true) but is scared to give it another shot because he knows it would be long term. Basically, he knows it would work between us & is scared to be tied down for the rest of his life. (funny how I see it as having someone to always be there to come home to). See, commitment doesn't scare ME. :P Since we broke up we have been aiming for friendship, trying to rebuild that foundation so that when we do get back together there will be more than just a physical bond. Which is where we are now. We can't seem to be "just friends". SIGH.
4)One of my guy-friends of 6 years has recently told me he loves me, & I am afraid to spend time with him because he's a really good shoulder to cry on. You combine that with a vulnerable confused girl, you see where I'm going. More confusion.
5)Yet another guy friend that I've been romantically close with in the past has rejected me. We were getting really close about 6 weeks ago, had a few really nice genuine moments together, & then BAM! I'm deleted off of facebook, he won't return my texts & hasn't spoken to me since.
So here I am. Frustrated that I have nobody to talk to, rejected by people I thought liked me for me, confused by the male gender(so much that it makes me question myself as a woman) & with the only person who "gets" me crawling slowly to her death bed.
For me, this is not a physical struggle. Most of the time I eat really healthy, exercise the right amount(not too little OR too much) & am at a healthy weight. I'm growing out my hair, my acne scars are beginning to heal, & I look good. Deep inside me somewhere, I do know that.
I just want to know why when I'm angry or sad I don't eat, why every time a guy rejects me I feel it's because I'm not pretty enough...or good enough. Why I am tempted to change myself, TO CONFORM EVEN just to get people to like me. I am a good person. I'm pretty. I'm slim. I'm nice & smart & blah blah blah. So why am I also so alone?!
People say that if you're nice, mature, understanding, respectful, (let's add in pretty & slim for the shallow ones) that you will have friends. I guess I'm the exception.
I'm sick of thinking a bagel soaked in margarine will fill this hole inside of me only to get angry, knowing I'll feel "fat" later & throw it away. And then still feel insatiable. WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON THE BAGEL?!
|