Background: My mother in law moved to the US when she was 62 to be near her only son and her only grandchild(ren). She moved where we moved and when we had to move the last time for my husband's job, we had the talk and we decided to buy a house together. She was 74 (now 75) and has bad osteoporosis and her brain is getting forgetful. She would forget to eat, thinking her stomach pains were from a bug instead of hunger pangs, etc. But, overall, she's very healthy.
The deal was - she would have her own bedroom, living room and bathroom and we would share the dining room and kitchen. We would have our bedrooms, study and family room upstairs. She liked to eat around 3 pm. We eat when my husband comes back from work and we eat between 6:30 and 7 pm. We designed our new kitchen so that two could work independently in the kitchen and so on.
Well, a bit over a year and she has cooked ONE meal. My husband's birthday meal - the one meal a year I usually do special for my husband, and that's the one day she decides to cook. So, I cook for all of us. Of course, she doesn't like spicey or too ethnic, etc. Which means my cooking has changed to fit more of her needs.
Then, because her grandmother had this rule, she follows it. Whoever cooks the meal has to clean up the meal. Makes sense huh? Never cook so you never have to clean up? Which means, she never does dishes either, or wipe the counters or clean up ANYTHING.
Add to that she can't figure out how to use our washer and I do most of the laundry, hers included. So, basically, she acts like she lives in a boarding house.
This is bad enough on a normal day, but today my 5 year old is really sick. Now, I don't want to infect my mother in law with this, so of course, I don't want her coming near. But when she hears that he's vomited 8 times in three hours, had a diarhea accident and sees I'm not leaving his side, don't you think she could find SOMETHING to do to help out? Like maybe unload the dishwasher and put in the new dirty laundry? offer to make dinner? Offer SOMETHING??? No... she does none of that. Instead, she gets all cute to go take a walk at the mall. She needs me to move my car, but she offers to move it herself, but wants me to show her how to unlock it with the remote. Being too lazy to get her glasses to look for the unlock button herself (I made her get her glasses). Then she moves my car without releasing the parking brake because it's different from her cars, so she just figured I didn't have one? HELLO???
To her credit, she did ask if I needed anything when she was out (but she was already in a coat, mittens and hats on, keys in hand). Not exactly a time to write a list and even then, what I need is heavy and/or it would take 5 years to explain I want X, Y, Z and she would get confused and get nothing anyway (BTDT bef0re). Plus, I could tell she was just asking, not really offering. Know what I mean?
She never plays with teh kids. My 14 year old avoids her like the plague because she still treats him like he's 5 and my 5 year old is slightly autistic and she doens't know how to deal with him, so she baby talks to him when she walks by, but never actively seeks him out. And my son is a SOCIAL autistic kid and the most loving child you'll ever meet. She just is too busy doing NOTHING to bother.
So.... why did we do this? For me to be her servant? All it's done is add to my workload and I've had enough of it. Today was like the super last straw. I have never, ever met a more selfish and self-centered person ever in my life before. I am just SEETHING!!!!
WOW! All I can say is I would be seething too!! Especially with your little guy so sick (hope he's feeling better, btw!). What does your DH say? Can he talk to her about her not cleaning up "rule"?? Of course that's ridiculous - she needs to help out, if she's physically capable. Before you said she was going for a walk at the mall, I wondered if her osteroporosis was hampering her mobility. Anyways, vent away, you are entitled!!
I say you need to make a new house rule in my house if I cook dinner someone else does the clean up and dishes. Start that today and tell her to forget her rules times have changed. I’d be angry too, especially if it was my house, I had to deal with a sick kid and a lazy *** mother in law who does nothing. It's not fair for you!
I am sorry you are dealing with this. The elderly parents tend to move in with the children in my family so...I know it can be frustrating and I know it's in my future. I hope whatever your five year old is dealing with passes quickly - sick kids are hard on mom!
As a quick aside, should she really be driving if she's getting that forgetful?
Where is your husband in all this? This is his mother, can you discuss with him how to get the laundry and kitchen situation resolved?
For the laundry, I would write a list of steps in big clear letters and post them in the laundry room. Call her and your older kid in and say you're giving lessons. She'll hear how it works, see the list, you can even take a marker and mark which settings to use (this is what my mom did for me when I started doing the family laundry - I was ten). As a bonus, you might get a 15 year old helper as well as your MIL doing her own things. Next time her laundry shows up say, "Oh, do you need me to show you again" and then talk her through the steps.
As for meals, cook what your family likes when your family likes to eat. She can eat with you or cook on her own. You can post what you're going to cook for the week "for your kids" so she has a head's up. After she cooks for herself you can say, "I see you cooked. Let me know when you've cleaned up and I'll start dinner."
As for your 14 year old...old people don't always know how to talk to young kids. I'd try to encourage him to spend at least five minutes a day asking how her day went and talking about his. Remember, one day you will be the MIL. One day you will want your son to encourage your grandchildren to speak to you and you may not know what to talk to them about. If you want her to play with your five year old, can you ask her to read him a book every day? I have a five year old myself and I see how some older people either talk to her like she's 25 or like she is two. Sometimes guidance helps.
You're doing this because you're a nice person and she's a lonely old lady who wants to be near her only son and grandchildren. You're doing this because you want your children to know their grandmother. One day you'll be the MIL and you have a great opportunity to set an example for them in dealing with older people - how to be kind AND how not to be walked on!
If my mother in law was truly debilitated, OK, my expectations would be different, but if she can iron her own sheets (don't ask), then she can definitely unload a dishwasher once a moon. We don't even have heavy dishes! (Corelle, not stoneware).
Her plan was to cook her meals at 3 as she has eaten that way her whole life. But, I think she likes having family to sit with at the dinner table (totally understandable), so she wants to join us. Her initial plan was to eat earlier and join us just to chat. Well, she NEVER did cook! Half of it is laziness, but I'm now realizing, she doesn't know how to cook in a shared kitchen. For her, if she put the honey HERE, it should always be HERE. Now, I'm an organized cook, but sometimes the honey gets behind the peanut butter, but never moved from the same shelf. So, I've noticed she's bought a jar of her own honey, her own quaker oats, etc that she keeps in her own two drawers we separated out for her. She probably doesn't want to admit that she is lost in the kitchen. That explains the cooking - not the clean up. Not anythign else.
She'll clean her bathroom, her bedrooms, etc. But wont TOUCH anything in the shared areas or our areas. Never even brough in the empty rolling garbage cans even though she drives right past them. She sits in her room and reads and goes out every day to walk and last week, dance for 3 hours.
While I do everything else. My husband. He doesn't like it, but he knows that's how she is and always has been. I never knew it could POSSIBLY be this bad.
Now, I've never been a passive aggressive person, but I've been feeling like it recently - like loading all dishes in the dishwasher except for hers - leaving hers out to have her do it herself. Or, making meals WE enjoy and if it's too spicey for her, oh well, I guess she'll need to cook for herself. It KILLLLLLLS me every night when I have to go knock on her door to tell her dinner is done - even when she walks by while I'm cooking and she knows it's about done! ARGH!!!! But, i'm too nice to be passive aggressive like that. I just keep doing it.
Thank goodness my husband isn't that way, but he picked up a bit of the "no helping" bug, but he'll snap out of it. My mother in law just gets nasty about it if we ask and it's not worth it, but some days I just can't take it and today is one of them. So, I sit here and rant on the laptop while my sick little guy is finally resting on the couch next to me.
Last edited by berryblondeboys; 02-23-2011 at 12:42 PM.
Make a chore list and tell her she's expected to help out, even if she is drying dishes while you wash, ect. Use it as a time to chat and get to know her better, but be firm that if she is helping to dirty stuff in the common area, than she has to clean it.
At least she takes care of her room and bathroom and isn't making you do that too.
My mom had a different rule. Whoever cooked got to rest while the others cleaned. I clean up as I cook so there is very little to clean when I am done, but my mom's rule worked while living at home, so one person wasn't doing the bulk of the work.
As far as the garbage cans and certain other things go, your husband needs to pitch in as well. Have him roll the cans up for you and include him in the chore list too, so your MIL doesn't feel singled out.
Hopefully some of the workload will be lifted from you and make it easier on you.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. The elderly parents tend to move in with the children in my family so...I know it can be frustrating and I know it's in my future. I hope whatever your five year old is dealing with passes quickly - sick kids are hard on mom!
As a quick aside, should she really be driving if she's getting that forgetful?
Where is your husband in all this? This is his mother, can you discuss with him how to get the laundry and kitchen situation resolved?
For the laundry, I would write a list of steps in big clear letters and post them in the laundry room. Call her and your older kid in and say you're giving lessons. She'll hear how it works, see the list, you can even take a marker and mark which settings to use (this is what my mom did for me when I started doing the family laundry - I was ten). As a bonus, you might get a 15 year old helper as well as your MIL doing her own things. Next time her laundry shows up say, "Oh, do you need me to show you again" and then talk her through the steps.
As for meals, cook what your family likes when your family likes to eat. She can eat with you or cook on her own. You can post what you're going to cook for the week "for your kids" so she has a head's up. After she cooks for herself you can say, "I see you cooked. Let me know when you've cleaned up and I'll start dinner."
As for your 14 year old...old people don't always know how to talk to young kids. I'd try to encourage him to spend at least five minutes a day asking how her day went and talking about his. Remember, one day you will be the MIL. One day you will want your son to encourage your grandchildren to speak to you and you may not know what to talk to them about. If you want her to play with your five year old, can you ask her to read him a book every day? I have a five year old myself and I see how some older people either talk to her like she's 25 or like she is two. Sometimes guidance helps.
You're doing this because you're a nice person and she's a lonely old lady who wants to be near her only son and grandchildren. You're doing this because you want your children to know their grandmother. One day you'll be the MIL and you have a great opportunity to set an example for them in dealing with older people - how to be kind AND how not to be walked on!
Your suggestions are good and I have PLANNED on doing most of that, but haven't. We just got a new washer and dryer yesterday, so making a 'how to' should be somewhat easy, but it will need to be typed as she can't read American style handwriting (again, totally weird as I have really neat handwriting).
And I need to do that with the food. I even bought a little notepad for meal planning, but then that means I need to be more organized with how I cook what meals on what day, but I need to do that as we plan to start eating more Indian and mexican meals that are low carb and TASTY. Of course, for now, I do all the grocery shopping, but she'll grab at the store once in awhile something just for herself (never asking if I want something) and my 14 year old does talk with his grandmother every night at dinner. Forcing more on him is not going to help. It's a good suggestion about the book - problem is my son is very rigid on books he'll allow read and she is rigid in her ways too, but I need to find somethign for them to do together. Problem there is too that she locks herself in her living room, never really joining in with us. But we need to do something because it is getting to the point that I can't even stand the sight of her.
It's so hard to be in that situation and I can understand your frustration for sure.
I guess all you can do is come to her and ask her for help because you feel overwhelmed- maybe if she feels needed she'll do more? And that can make for a more pleasant environment for all of you. You'll be less stressed cuz you have less to do and it might make the relationship stronger for all of you. Also if during the time she's helping you two are chatting it up she'll be more inclined to keep helping
I think if you come across as being rude and condescending and treating her like a child it will just make things worse.
I know you are thinking "easier said than done" but I'd give it a real try- get hubby and the teen in on it too. I think it can definitely bring the whole family closer this way
And also sounds like grandma doesn't know how to communicate with your 5 year old because she may be afraid to- I'd encourage more things for the two of them to do together- she likes to dance- does your child also? Maybe they can dance together in the living room- that sounds like fun to me and a way for them to connect
Oh btw why can't teen or hubby bring in the trash cans? At my house everyone pitches in with bringing them in or out.
I guess all you can do is come to her and ask her for help because you feel overwhelmed- maybe if she feels needed she'll do more? And that can make for a more pleasant environment for all of you. You'll be less stressed cuz you have less to do and it might make the relationship stronger for all of you. Also if during the time she's helping you two are chatting it up she'll be more inclined to keep helping
I think if you come across as being rude and condescending and treating her like a child it will just make things worse.
I know you are thinking "easier said than done" but I'd give it a real try- get hubby and the teen in on it too. I think it can definitely bring the whole family closer this way
And also sounds like grandma doesn't know how to communicate with your 5 year old because she may be afraid to- I'd encourage more things for the two of them to do together- she likes to dance- does your child also? Maybe they can dance together in the living room- that sounds like fun to me and a way for them to connect
Oh btw why can't teen or hubby bring in the trash cans? At my house everyone pitches in with bringing them in or out.
My husband does bring out the trash cans, I get them later when I come home from getting the kids.
And time for chatting - nope, I don't want to do that. I really don't like this woman and never have. I'm a very down to earth, help people out, talk about issues kind of gal. My mother in law is into looks, herself and that's about it. She doesn't listen to people -ever. Really, I need to get her to help, but not with us doing more together than we already do or I will go insane.
The hard part is, getting it started without making a big deal out of it because she will KNOW it's because I think she's being a lazy bum. She is going to visit a friend for a couple weeks so I could come up with the meal plan thing while she is away. She knows I'm trying to lose weight, so that would seem more like a "Oh, you're trying to change your eating and want to give me a head's up" instead of, "what are you trying to say?" And the housework thing would need to be a whole family gets assigned something and honestly that will probably be easier to bring up when I go back to work (wich I'm beginning to work on). She is HIGHLY sensitive to feeling she's being picked on. (She and my husband go roudn and round about other things).
She's hard to describe, but she's EXTREMELY rigid - EXTREMELY. And she flat out refuses to learn anything new and she's been like that forever.
Was she like this before moving in with you folks - extremely rigid, etc., or has that come because it "works" for her not having to do things now that you're doing them?
I see your frustration and exhaustion. I'm sorry this has turned out to be such a stressful situation. Raising kids is difficult. When you have a kid with more complicated needs or they are sick, it's even more difficult/stressful. You now are a dual caregiver and it's really hard. I use respite care at least once a week or work it out with hubby when he's home to get a little time for decompression and possibly a nap (Sometimes sleep is low due to night time issues). Taking care of yourself and time to do something for yourself is absolutely necessary to keep you from going over the edge with all the responsibilities that you are carrying on your shoulders.
Also, I agree with previous posters about having a conversation and setting up expectations. My hubby calls it "managing expectations". It lets others know what you expect from them and spells out what they expect from you. It helps alleviate hurt feelings and resentment before it can fester into a huge ugly problem just from lack of communication. On the other hand, if it's not a lack of understanding and just someone trying to take advantage and not pull their weight, it really sets out there for them that you won't be allowing them to walk over you and run you ragged.
Sometimes my son does this. He has some delays but attempt not to confront things that are difficult for him because they are a challenge. He's rather get me to do them for him. I do get tempted to step in to say fasten and zip his pants due to time constraints and I don't want to deal with the meltdown when he gets frustrated. In the long run it doesn't help improve his progress or help him keep skills he worked hard to get. May accommodations for your MIL to do her daily living tasks (like the laundry), try to keep her functioning in all the areas that she can, but be aware that some resistance may be due to limitations that she's not willing to acknowledge.
Which brings me to the last thing. This whole thing is hard on you and your hubby and the kids. It's also hard on her. My mother has lots of health issues (and she's younger than your MIL) including heart issues etc. I really see her struggle financially and with remembering to take medication (because she has so much and she is also disorganized- not due to mental acuity). She is on disability and has faced losing her home a couple of times due to not having enough money. I have offered several times for her to live with us, but she is very resistant despite it being benficial. She says there are some aspects that make her resistant: She's their grandmother, not their mother. She wants to enjoy her grandkids and spend time with them, but doesn't want to raise them. I understand some people see this as selfish, but I see how the noise and fighting can be overwhelming. It drives me over the edge some times and I don't have her health issues making me feel sick while trying to handle the sensory overload. Second, even if we gave her her own space and made the kids stay out and didn't question where she went, she would still feel like she was a guest or a burden in someone else's home. She would never feel as if it were her own home. She would always feel like she is living in ours. It rubs her the wrong way to have worked her whole life and to be in a place where she is dependent on someone else to live and not have her "own home" to show for all her work. Third, She feels it would compromise her independence. When you live completely by yourself, you don't have to check in or say your going to be late or wait to eat or accommodate other's diet or feel like they are accommodating you or see if they need you to get something from the store. If she wanted to leave a mess in the living room and clean it tomorrow, she could without having to have someone look at her askance or ask her when she was going to take her shoes out of the living room. Finally, she and I have argued about the most asinine things when she's visited only to find out that she wasn't really upset about what I made for lunch or that I asked why she had the tv volume so high. In fact she's upset about her failing health, the fact that the tv is loud to hubby and I but she can't hear it otherwise, that she doesn't want to lose her hearing as well, where she will find a doctor to check her hearing who will take her insurance and how much her copay will be.
Is it possible that she may be a little difficult in general but is currently throwing an adult size tantrum in response to the way that life may not have turned out the way she wanted/envisioned? If she is, it's understandable and an explanation, not an excuse. No matter the disappointment she still will have to deal with the realities of her current life. Hang in there and try to take care of yourself. You'll be in my thoughts.
Was she like this before moving in with you folks - extremely rigid, etc., or has that come because it "works" for her not having to do things now that you're doing them?
No, she's always been that way. Things like, she would visit, at 62, and look in the towel closet and see a towel she recognized, she would grab that one from the bottom and say, "Oh, I know this one". She still beats things by hand (when she makes dessert) because she doesn't want to learn how to do it iwth a mixer - even a handheld one, etc.
Uh oh - I always still beat things by hand because it's extra activity for my arms with some really tough dough at times, and most of my family recipes were from before mixers - ha ha!
Good luck - I agree with managing expectations - you cannot control how someone else perceives something when you put it out on the table, but you can control how you DO approach issues. If it currently works for her she will never change - there's no need to. But if it's not working for you, you must initiate the change in a straight forward way. Easier said than done. But even things like instead of getting her for dinner, when she goes by - say, "we'll be sitting down to eat in 20 minutes. You're welcome to join us but if you don't, that's fine." Then she's been told and has to make her own decisions and repercussions. She'll know and get it.
Maybe I missed it, but what are the chances of her moving out to either a "retirement" community or with another family member? I never understood why there is always that one child that feels totally responsible for their parent. It's usually the sons too. My DH is like that. For a while, it was as though his mom was more like his wife than I was. As far as doing things for her, etc, nothing gross or inappropriate like that. She'd make him his coffee, make his bed, do his laundry, STAY AT HOME NOT WORKING! She was the deal breaker for me. There can NEVER be two hens in the chicken coop. I was very fortunate enough that she moved out. I knew DH and my relationship was going to be doomed if she stuck around. Not too mention my sanity.
You shouldn't have to make compromises. It's YOUR house and your families. If she can't give a little, then she needs to go. I have never met someone who's in laws live with them and everything is just peachy. This is a very touchy subject for me because I've been there, and when she comes around, I avoid her like the plague. I usually leave and go have a drink! UGH!! Big hugs for you. Bigger hugs for living with her. If my MIL would have stuck around, I'm sure one of us would have had a heart attack by now.
Stressed out Rant about my mother in law
Of course that's ridiculous - she needs to help out, if she's physically capable. Before you said she was going for a walk at the mall, I wondered if her osteroporosis was hampering her mobility. Anyways, vent away, you are entitled!!
