WSJ Article: "A Workout Ate My Marriage": Couples Driven Apart by Exercising Habits
This is an interesting article, though it mostly looks at the plight of women whose husbands are really into athletic competition, calling them "exercise widows."
Commitment to a demanding training schedule cuts to the heart of the issues couples often find themselves fighting about—who does chores, who gets time for themselves and who decides where and how the family has fun.
Particularly this one, which evokes some problems that people post about on 3FC when they say their significant other isn't supportive.
Quote:
Couples therapists agree that commitment weakens as alternatives increase. Dr. Lewis recalls a client who realized she was unhappy in her marriage after she lost weight, became athletic and found she was attractive to men other than her husband. "She said, 'I married him thinking I didn't have a choice, because I was so heavy,' " Dr. Lewis recalls. Therapists say many relationships are based on similar levels of attractiveness; a shift in the equation can destabilize a marriage.
This is an interesting article, though it mostly looks at the plight of women whose husbands are really into athletic competition, calling them "exercise widows."
Particularly this one, which evokes some problems that people post about on 3FC when they say their significant other isn't supportive.
I am appalled that the uber selfish guy with a wife and three kids thinks that one meal with the kids on Friday and a date with his wife on Saturday is sufficient to maintain the relationship and keep up his part of the responsibilities and obligations of having a family and home. And from her perspective the date with the wife is overshadowed by the next day's exercise plan. Where is the balance in his life? What will those kids remember about their father?
Quote:
Commitment to a demanding training schedule cuts to the heart of the issues couples often find themselves fighting about—who does chores, who gets time for themselves and who decides where and how the family has fun.
Commitment or over obsessing or addiction? It isn't just a demanding training schedule - its an escape just like (fill in a different all consuming activity here).
And I totally agree with the quote about the shift in the equation can destablize a marriage. But not just about physical attractiveness. It is also seen in shifting financial attractiveness. There are many an ex that supported their spouse thru school in order to achieve a higher earning level and when attained, the spouse dumps the supporter. The problem is you can never see it coming at the start the marriage.
Wow- I'm all for exercise but there comes a point where it's selfish. Not being around on mother's day? Taking your kids on "vacation" to your competitions? That's just excessive IMO.
I read the article and I agree - it's totally selfish. It would be okay if he tried to strike a balance between his athletic ambitions and his responsibilities to his wife and family. Friday night with the kids and Saturday night with the wife is far from enough. And even if the wife tried to join his world by trying to be fit and working out herself, it's never gonna be enough if he doesn't do more for his family.
I've often called myself a 'mountain biking widow' cause when spring hits, my hubby's gone mountain biking almost every weekend until late fall.
I can't remember the last time we went on a family vacation. And even then, he took his bike and daughter and I were stuck in the room with no transportation until he got back.
I can in no way compare myself to the crazy man in the article, but I often ask myself this question, since my husband and I are divorcing post weight loss. Is it my fault? Am I leaving him because I finally got my weight under control? Am I now just attracted to more athletic type men?
I can honestly say "no" to this for myself, but I can definitely see where a woman would struggle with these issues. I married young and thin and have simply returned to the thin part. Yes, our interests have changed. I now definitely prefer a man who would, on a whim, take a walk with me, go on a hike, ride a long trail, camp, etc. But it wasn't a necessary component in the marriage. It's something I'll look for now, however.
I feel judged by others though. I've scrutinized myself about this hard enough now that I'm very confident with the reasons behind my choice. But from the outside it sure looks like I lost all this weight and suddenly realized I was just too good for him.
My dh's schedule is pretty similar, he's currently training for a 50 mile trail run and taking the mountaineers mountain climbing course series. He tries to include whoever whenever. the kids are in on it too, the oldest will crew on his bike sometimes for hangin with dad time. Date night often involves the gym or yoga class together. We have to get creative sometimes to make it work because we are all sporty . I think because family harmony is important to him, he helps around the house MORE. He knows it\s self centered. He is present and relaxed when he is available. He makes sure I get my time too. Waking up alone is not a big deal to me, it's the in bed before the kids that sucks.
My husband is a powerlifter, but he is amazing at striking the balance. His hobby does not consume his life.
I suspect these guys are no different than the man who stays at home and plays video games while ignoring wife & kids, or goes out to the bars at night, etc. their drug just happens to be exercise.
I, too, was turned off by "Friday dinner with the family" and "Saturday date with the wife". Geez. I am guessing that the dude, as a Merill-Lynch executive, brings in a lot of moola and the wife is at home with the kids. Which may also be a part of why do or don't stay together.
But the guy does strike me as totally selfish. Oh, wait, he is leaving NOTES for them before he leaves in the morning? How considerate.
WSJ Article: "A Workout Ate My Marriage": Couples Driven Apart by Exercising Habits
