Sorry I'm starting another dating-related thread, but this is more of a novice dater post.
I have never really dated...ever. I'm 25 and every attempt I've made at a relationship (only 2) was eventually ended after a few dates because they were trying to move to fast and I wasn't ready. I know at 25 the majority of people are "experienced". I'm not saying that they are ready to hop in bed, but they are probably more comfortable with intimacy that comes earlier in a relationship. Whereas I shy away from it. It kind of scares me like we're moving too fast, or I'm not ready for it.
This is usually the problem with online dating. Both guys I dated I was upfront and told them I wanted to take things slow and wasn't comfortable with online smex but both ignored that. And when we were on dates and we would hang out they would both try to push things too far and I would have to pull back and try to slow things down, so I seemed like a cold biotch.
So this is my issue. The fear of things moving too fast is stopping me from dating or at least trying. I am 100% upfront and look for guys who are interested in really dating versus booty call but I am really gun shy now.
I'm trying to overcome by body issues and intimacy issues, so I know it's really just me that's creating the problems, but it is so hard for me to trust a guys because of this (and also because I was raised in an all-woman household, I'm just not comfortable around guys).
Does anyone have tips how they overcame these types of issues? I know if I was dating someone who I could come to trust everything would work out smoothly, but I am not finding too many winners out there lolz.
Well, firstly, it sounds like you've just had really terrible experiences with guys. Not all are like that, and many would be willing to take things slow.
That being said, the only tip I have (not really a tip) is that you just have to be comfortable with yourself. This is by no means easy, but it will happen. It will happen if/when you learn to "love" yourself. You have to kind of banish all thoughts of self-hate, especially surrounding your appearance. I know how hard this is because I struggle with it myself, but it honestly does get easier.
The truth is the last two guys seemed like dickheads. A real man will respect your boundaries and the sleezy ones will continue to push you to sleep with them until they get what they want and the second they do, they’ll drop you like a hawk.
When someone good who is worth it comes around you’ll feel yourself to be more comfortable around them and intimacy will come easy. I used to only be able to be snuggly and sexual when I was drunk with a guy.
Most people move fast and from what I learned in my past relationships they never last. I used to always have drunk sex only, sober sex never occurred to me until I met my ex and when him and I met we clicked, there was something with him that made me feel comfortable I didn’t care, I didn’t need the liquor to give me that confidence boost I just had it. When the right person comes along they won’t pressure you, (probably won’t even bring up sexual content with you unless you bring it up.)
By doing what your doing only allows the loser to come and go and most men are loser. When someone right comes around I'm sure you'll feel much more different about them and the intimacy situation.
I really don't think the problem is with you at all. Regardless of any "issues" you may have, others need to respect your boundaries and your wishes. If they can't even do that much for you, then they don't deserve you. Keep looking and don't compromise yourself to please anyone else. The right guy will respect your wishes and go at your pace. Good luck!
I have to agree- I mean if you just started dating and they were trying to get into your pants I'd also be like uh NO!
There ARE good guys out there- keep looking. If a guy tries to get all into your pants right away despite you saying you want to take it slow then move on. I'd look for a guy who someone who is a great fried as well as a potential interest romantically
Do you also shy away from hugs and kisses? Just curious.
I'm basically the same as you! I'm 25 and have almost NO experience in the intimacy area. I just started online dating with match.com. I've had two guys ask me within 10 minutes if I'd be willing to go home with them (one I wasn't sure if he was kidding or not-he wasn't). I said peace out to those two.
There is one guy I was hanging out with (I moved so can't anymore). I trusted him enough that I was willing to get intimate with him (only thing that held me back was that I didn't want him to know my lack of experience). I think when you trust the guy, get comfortable enough, etc. then it wont be an issue anymore. So basically, just keep putting yourself out there (BE SAFE!) and wait for a guy where you trust them and feel comfortable enough with him that intimacy comes easier to you.
It could be the site you're on. Typically the sites where you have to pay (match.com, eharmony.com, etc) have people who are more interested in stable relationships. The free sites are more common for just a booty-call type relationship.
I also, and this is just my opinion, wouldn't start out a relationship saying "I refuse to have sex with you". While i'm sure you're more tactful than that, it seems a little strange to me to jump right to that point. The guys that are just trying for an obvious booty-call could be turned down with a "Sorry, I'm looking for something a little more long-term than what you're suggesting. Like, you know, three dates" Those are seem to be interested IN a relationship need time to get to know you BEFORE you throw all these restrictions on them. Clearly, you can keep your boundaries without being so bold and upfront about it.
So I read your post and my heart went out to you. I also am very "shy" in this area. Yes I have a son but I am a single mom. I was with my ex for almost 4 years. I slept with him even before we we're "bf/gf". I regret it horribly! But after a very rough break up-right after I found out I was pregnant- I find my self not willing to date or even wanting to date. which I know is alot different then wanting to date and wanting to take it slow.
I was talking with my younger brother the other day since he is now in his first serious relationship. he's seventeen and I thought maybe he could use some sisterly advice. I told him straight out "If you like this girl as much as you say you do you will respect her and take things slow, if you want a lasting relationship you need to build it on a friendship not on sex or fooling around."
I don't want to sound like a know it all but I think that was pretty sound advice. frankly I think if a guy really likes you he will respect your wishes. hold out for the one guy that actually does and you will know he is a great guy.
I'm trying to overcome by body issues and intimacy issues, so I know it's really just me that's creating the problems
I think that as long as you believe this, it will be hard! You are NOT creating problems. You might have some things that you are working on, like being more comfortable with yourself and around guys, but that doesnt mean you are creating problems at all. I think those guys were total douches for being like that with you, especially when you'd already said what you didnt want. I agree with stella- work on loving yourself and dating will come
My BFF said that "Match.com is like the hookup site, eharmony is more committed". Seems to be true. That said, unfortunately, a lot of guys in our age range are just looking for hookups online.
Honestly the best thing I ever did, dating wise, and this sounds INSANE and I can't believe I'm writing it, but...I took advice from my dear friend Janey and read Patti Stanger's book (aka the Millionaire Matchmaker), 'Become Your Own Matchmaker'. I was aghast and Janey insisted, and Patti's tips are pretty golden. I know I know, but...seriously she knows her stuff!
Intimacy Issues
