[milmin2043]

My only sister is driving me up a wall. She is constantly sending me unsolicited emails and "advice" about religion and how I better believe now before it is too late. She told me this evening that her children are doing so much better than mine because she is obedient to God and I am not.

She says that God is responsible for my weight loss and the fact that my Parkinson's has gotten a little better. She gives my tenacity and strength no credit for any of this. She gives my doctors no credit for any of this. She is one of those annoying people who is constantly gloom and doom and telling me that I need to bow down now and ask for forgiveness, etc. before God comes back and before it's too late.

She had a lot of issues in her earlier years including drug and alcohol abuse, multiple abortions, run-ins with the law for theft/shoplifting, etc. I am by no means perfect, but I did not have any of those issues in my life. I guess I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be asking forgiveness for.

I am an atheist and she just absolutely cannot let this go. I don't push it in her face at all. I would have never even told her except that she pushed me so much about my beliefs that I finally blurted it out. I have asked her point blank to stop and she won't. She sent me another email this evening saying that I need to repent, etc., and I immediately went right to the cupboard to see what junk I could find to eat. I haven't done that in a really long time.

What would you do? I am seriously thinking about cutting her out of my life because she is absolutely driving me nuts. I don't know what to do at this point.

Thanks for listening.

[NiteNicole]

One of the kind of Big Important Things about Christianity that people often forget is that you have to CHOOSE it for yourself. That's...sort of the point. And someone who is beating you over the head with it is going to drive you away pretty darn fast.

I would have one last "I love you but I don't want to talk about this with you ANYMORE" conversations with her and then shut her down every time it comes up after that. I'm mean, so I tend to reply to obnoxious emails with UNSUBSCRIBE in the header or just delete or block her mails. If she has anything important to tell you, she'll call. No need to even tell her, just let those bad boys go quietly into the trash. If you're Facebook friends, hide her. She'll never know the difference. If she asks, be direct - I love you but I got tired of hearing stuff I already told you I wasn't interested in.

When it comes up in person, you can always use the "pass the bean dip" approach. It goes like this:

Her: blah blah blah REPENT blah blah
You: (blank stare)...could you pass the bean dip?
Alternatives:
(blank stare)...can you believe this weather?
(blank stare)...why yes this IS a new sweater, thanks for noticing.

You get the idea.

She doesn't want to be convinced that this is the wrong approach, I'd go so far as to say she kind of enjoys having this over you after all her years as a screw up and your converting would just move her on to another topic to beat you over the head with. Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Lauren201]

I don't really have any suggestions, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone! I had the same exact problem with a cousin-in-law. She went as far as calling me a bigot and saying that I needed to get shot because I don't believe in God. I told her I was the biggest un-bigot she'd ever meet and that I accept anyone from any religion. My motto is, "to each their own." We are no longer on speaking terms. I couldn't believe she would act like that it was very surprising and upsetting. I've known her since she was 9 years old.

[mandalinn82]

Sometimes, you just need to shut it down and repeat.

"This subject isn't open for discussion. Can you pass the broccoli?"
"This subject isn't open for discussion. How are the kids?"
"This subject isn't open for discussion. What a great sweater! Where did you get it?"

It's sort of the "pass the bean dip", with a constant reiteration that you're NOT going to talk about it. Seriously, it works (and I've HAD these conversations, with people who tell all sorts of things about my eternal destiny because I happen to be married to a woman). Just repeat. And then don't relent! It's sort of like giving into a toddler with a temper tantrum...if you give in JUST ONCE, they'll keep trying for months.

[JOLINA]

I have 2 cousins that spout religion and the fear of God constantly.
I think it is some sort of mental illness to be so consumed by religion.

One had substance abuse problems when she was younger. Then she 'found Jesus' and cleaned up her act. She traded one hang-up for another.

Joining a church helped her out of her substance abuse, but now she is alienating all her old friends and relatives by preaching constantly.
And her sister is a total religious nut also, but they argue religion amongst themselves.

I just ignore both of them, and I don't visit them at all.
Otherwise they would turn me into a screwball too.

[raebeaR]

I am so sorry you are going through this, milmin. It's such a difficult thing when your beliefs diverge from others who are close to you.

Your beliefs are as valid as your sister's, and it's important to keep that in mind. Her unwanted prosthelytizing is so disrespectful to you. You'll never convince her of this, however, so you need to think about how best to protect yourself from this relentless badgering.

I firmly believe that sometimes, one must take cover from toxic people (which is not to say all Christians are toxic... but SOME are). I think NiteNicole has given you good advice to the extent ignoring your sister is possible. If it proves to be impossible, or is in some way detrimental to your well-being, then my suggestion is to calmly explain to your sister that she is jeopardizing your entire relationship in her constant quest to convert you to her belief system. Tell her that your relationship requires mutual respect for one another's beliefs, and if she is unable to do that, then you will have no choice but to keep her at arm's length -- or further, if necessary. Then follow through. I don't think she is going to stop.

I wish you all the best in this stressful situation. And I hope you can resolve it in such a way that you don't lose track of your weight loss goals.

[milmin2043]

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it beyond words.

I made the mistake of thinking that I could confide in her about some troubles that I was having with my children. That's what sparked the email about my not believing in God being the reason for these troubles. She always turns everything around to religion.

Last week I posted a status on my Facebook about Glee. I love the show Glee. She had to make a comment about how the show is more of the moral decay of our society because they glamourize being gay. I have many gay friends. Our cousin, who I am very close to, is gay and also, like mandalinn, married to a woman, her partner and wife. When she spews this (what I call "hate speech") all over the place, I come very close to losing it and spouting off about her past indiscretions. It seems very much like bullying. I stop myself from getting into altercations with her on a public forum because I refuse to stoop that low. I will not give her or anyone else the satisfaction.

I am going to take the advice here about hiding her comments because they are emotionally harming me and I am tired of being on the verge of tears with every interaction I have with her. I am also going to take the other advice here about the "pass the bean dip" approach. I have even thought in the past about just saying that I'm a believer to shut her up. But as nitenicole said, I'm pretty sure she'd find something else to beat me up with.

Thank you again for your responses. I am not against Christianity. I am against bullying and mind games and control freaks.

[astrophe]

I agree with previous posters. One last lay out it of "I am not talking about this with you!" and then "bean dip" time!

My sister went through a phase like that when she changed (?) faiths to match her spouse. I'm not all that sure what they ended up doing or if they practice or not. She was kinda of freaked out by the UU thing when my spouse and I converted to Unitarian Universalism.

She was making me nuts with my "needing to be saved." I don't subscribe to that belief system and I had to use some of her own vocab back at her.

I told her if I was wrong at the end, it was MY life, and if I was destined to go to **** for my beliefs, then I'd learn to take the heat! God put me on the path I'm on for a reason, even if she and I can't see that reason right now and it seems so different than her path. Did she not trust God to know what God is doing?

I didn't tell her what to believe for herself, so she didn't need to tell me. We could discuss if she wanted to just chat like a polite person, but there wasn't going to be any converting or pushing. I reminded her that the family has many different faiths going on in it -- jewish, baptist, buddhist, UU, catholic, etc. and just as we are multi-ethnic, it is possible to be multi-spiritual and still get along with each other mostly ok.

To her credit, she eventually got a grip on herself. I think she was going through a stage shift thing then and of course, she was in love and all about the BF/DH and fitting in with him.

It helps me with people to remember Fowler's stages of faith development. Not everyone is at the same place at the same time.

Tell your sister this topic is not up for discussion. You are responsible for your own faith development, and she can be responsible for hers. Then change the subject.

A.

[Nola Celeste]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that in your life. Beliefs shouldn't be used as bludgeons. Some people have to embrace whatever filter they've chosen to allow them to see the world as they want to see it out of fear of what happens if they don't; it happened to my cousin whose religion metastasized into hatred. If he can hate something outside of himself, he no longer has to hate his own heart, his own mind, or his own past. I think it's incredibly tragic, but I also think it's repugnant. We haven't spoken in some time.

You've gotten terrific suggestions. Eventually she'll have to give in and just discuss pizza recipes or new novels with you instead because you're no longer closing that circuit. The buzzer that she used to be able to press at will no longer buzzes. It's brilliant and I plan to put it into practice with my own difficult family member.

I'd give anything to have my brother and sister back, so people who actively alienate theirs really push my buttons. It is a terrible shame to me that such divides ever have to happen because one family member can't keep a polarizing mindset to herself/himself. Regardless of what he/she believes comes after death, life is far too short to spend so much of it in condemnation and judgment.

I hope that after enough "pass the bean dip" treatment, she learns that and realizes that she'd better enjoy the family she has while she has you.

"Glee" is awesome, isn't it?

[3FCer344892]

As a Christian myself, I can see her way (no offense), because Christians are told through the Bible to teach and convert as many as they can. She really cares for you, and just wants the best. Be flattered that she cares enough to be concerned.

But ... since it is bothering you. Have you tried just talking to her about it?

[serendipity907]

I have had similar problems with my older brother for the past few years. As a teenager he was quite a handful, luckily he was never involved with drugs/the law, but he did go to a lot of wild parties, and date a lot of girls-at the same time.

Since maturing a little he's done a 360 and is very dedicated to Christianity.

I guess being his little sister I was the obvious target to make sure I stayed on the straight and narrow! It is frustrating to me since I am now 20, and got through my teenage years drug/drink/boyfriend free. Growing up my slightly more deviant friends consistently told me how great my morals were. I am by no means a saint, I just knew what I thought was right, and didn't feel the peer pressure.

So really in terms of morals, my brother and I are quite similar now. However he is too extremist for my liking, I'm not one for TV but occasionally I'll turn on the music channels. If my brother is round he won't let me do this since he hates all the debauchery. I'm not a fan of it either but I like the music for dancing around/exercising to none the less. It's catchy and harmless fun in my opinion.

We disagree on pretty much everything, simply because I like chart music/hang out with male friends/wear skirts or bikinis on the beach-The list goes on. He can't even see that actually I am 'sensible' where it matters and that it is thanks to common sense, not divine intervention.

I mostly just stop him from initiating a 'debate' these days, they take it out of me too much. I have respect for his choice, I just wish he wouldn't bombard me with it.

[Jonesie]

What a great sweater! Where did you get it?

God.


I am so sorry. I have no other defense but to laugh and make terrible jokes. My immediate thought when just reading the thread title was to keep the pimp hand strong and pop her in the mouth.

In all seriousness, I would just tell her to knock it off or she's out. I had to do that with my own mother. Except it was TEXT FORWARDS ABOUT JESUS. So, Im in Walmart, my phone goes off and its a picture of Jesus, crying, sappy music, and a message about how he loves you. And fwd it to 10 people or he will smite me. Idk.

[NYGiantsGirl]

My rule of thumb for dealing with annoying people:

Hide their Facebook statuses/comments

One warning via e-mail, and then the IP address gets blocked. I understand that teaching others is a big part of Christianity, but I believe that you also have the right to go your own way and live life by your own tenets, and your sister will have to respect that.

[Nola Celeste]

I understand that for someone who is devoutly religious, there's a deep desire to bring loved ones into the faith. But there is a world of difference between sharing a love of one's God with others and using religion to browbeat or judge them. Calling oneself a Christian doesn't exonerate vicious, hateful behavior; if anything, religious devotion combined with poisonous hatred is worse because that hatred is so cloaked in unassailable piety that the person who bears it doesn't see it for the toxin it is.

Trying to convert a person through hateful behavior is like trying to convince someone to start exercising by constantly harping on her about how sickening she is in her current state. It's vicious. It's also counterproductive, as the vast majority of people who feel as though they're being attacked (and yes, browbeating someone about their "sinful" ways is an attack) just shut down.

There are some exemplary Christians I've had the pleasure to meet whose serenity, good cheer, generosity of spirit, and gracious natures were a far more persuasive argument for their faith than any amount of fire-and-brimstone condemnation. I admire their devotion and have nothing but respect for their faith; in fact, I find it beautiful. I'd say the proportions are about 40-to-1 in favor of the "you're going to **** for that!" types, though; I see or hear of them all the time.

There's nothing beautiful in their behavior, that's for sure.

[annie175]

God does not use forwards or chain emails,...You either believe or don't...nothing will happen because you didn't act on an email. That is ridiculous.