[missunshine]

I already wrote this post once but i accidentally deleted it so I had to rewrite it
So past couple of weeks I've been bingeing, to be exact since my family and I moved to a new appartment due to a flood destroying our previous house completely so we left without everything overnight. so it's been quite stressfull period for me. i just recently reached my goal weight but am completely unsatisfaid with my looks. and the relitonship with my family is not the kind that would make you quite happy. when i was overweight they would always tease me about my weight and ask me when will you loose some weight etc. but when i started dieting and after i finished they were all shocked and now they keep telling me that i shouldn't do it and that i was prettier before i mean wtf???
we'll of course i ignored their statements but deep inside it hurt. eventually i distanced from everyone, they seemed unable to understand me and gave me no support. it was hard and i'm very proud what i achieved but it cost me a lot. it cost me my relationship with some of my friends and my family. i became isolated and depressed.
so ever since we moved i've been bingeing, i would do it one or two days and then it would take me couple of days to get to my normal weight and when i would reach it I simply do it again. i've been under constant pressure, stress, depressive, worried because of school, money, how will we be able to pay the rent, even though the appartment is my wish come true. it all came in the right time but now I somehow feel unsatisfied. i finally understand all those books which write about emotions and what we lack of and we're never satisfied materially untill we're satisfied spiritually. i hope i'll get there one day.
so on friday i bought this chocolate sacher cake pretending it to be for my mother's birthday. i wanted to surprise her but since she wasn't at home i hid in my closet and could't stop thinking about it. i decided to take a piece just to see the taste. we'll unfortunatelly one piece led to half of the cake and there we were agin. i felt bad so i started nibbling on some nuts and chocolates... i felt guilty again and thinking how will i make up for this mishap.
the next morning i was still thinking about the other half of the cake that left. without thinking and while everyone was asleep i ate it and carefully hid the leftover papers in the trash. i had one mission. go out and buy some laxatives.
i went to the pharmacy and since i was already having some troubles with my digestion i decided to give it a try. when i came home i was alone again and i decided to give it a try immediatelly. i was so hungry so i started eating, stuffing with everything that came under my hand. i had quite a feast. my stomach hurt. i ate two pills and on the box was writtten that the effect comes after 6-12 hours but i had to go to the toilette immediately. i thought to myself how come i did't do this before. of course i know what the consequences would be.
at around midnight i was lying in my bed when i strted felling sick. i had cramps and thought i was going to throw up. and those are the only things i can't stand- cramps and vomiting. i passed out once at school due to my menstrual cramps and didn't want to repeat that ever again.
the pain got worse and i could feel the food coming up my throat. i was scared cause i was i home alone all night and if something happened to me no one would know. i tried to get up and run to the bathroom but i started to pass out. somehow i managed to get to the toilette and next to it was the sink so i turned on cold water and started pouring it over my face and neck (while sitting on the toilette). the scene was shocking.i prevent myself from passing out and just sat there for a couple of minutes not knowing what will happen with me. i was shocked, mortified and thinking what would i do if everyone was at home and saw me like this? what would i tell them? i was so ashamed of myself and of my bahaviour. what did i do to deserve this kind of pain? there were so many thoughts i can't even remember. after a while i pulled myself to my bed and curled up all wet under my blanket. i was praying to stop. but the pain got worse and as soon as i lied down i had to run back to the toilette but this time to throw up. which i haven't done since i was little and i absolutely hate it. i thought it was finally over. i looked myself in the mirror and was shocked with what i saw. i couldn't recognize myself.
i returned to my bed and tried to calm myself down telling myself i would never do that again.
i fell asleep for an hour and another wave of pain woke me. it was coming back again. i was drained, starting to faint again but i managed to get to the toilette and with my head in the sink throwing up again. food was comming out from all parts of my body. i felt disgusted with myself. i thought this was the end and already started saying goodbye to my family. the pain was excruciating. but i survived. when it was over i felt a little better and went back to bed waking up two more times to go to the bathroom. i wanted to call my mom but i didn't know what would i tell her, and i also thought of calling the ambulance but i couldn't, because i was too embarassed.
so i somehow survived and swore to myself that i will never do that again. all day i've been having diarrhoea and a headache and my stomach hurts, all i could eat was some dry toast and earlier i ate some raisins and a chocolate cause i was angry with my mom and my sister, but i reminded myself that i was slipping and that i don't want to repeat yesterdays experience. of course i didn't tell anyone about what happened and my mom thinks that i have a flu cause i've been in bed all day.i started reading some books today, about selfimprovement and eating dis. and perfectionism, which is one of the reasons for my problems, but i feel that this won't last long and that i'll go back in a few days.. i'm so scared because of that. plus there are finals coming and i havent studied and everything is piled up. the only thing that worries me and hurts me most is that i'm not speaking with my family and that we argue a lot. i don't want to live like that forever but i keep telling myself that as soon as i finish my school work i will try to patch our relations but i keep postponing it. and the things are out of control... i really don't know what to do. i fell like i have no life, no friend, nobody to love me. and that just gets me down, depressed, lonely,...
well i just wan't to tell everyone not to make the the same mistake i did and try to find the will to overcome one binge at a time.
thank you for letting me share my story and my sincerest apology for such a long post!

[igorgriffiths]

You have made right move by putting your situation in writing, this will help you focus on where you are at the moment.

When I was in school I went through a period of eating alone and clearing my plate into bags under my bed, then I progressed onto binge eating finishing with a lot of apples as a way expedite its progress through my body as I could not bring myself to be sick plus I did not want my parents to find out.

Is there a teacher you can confide in? This is what made the difference for me. I do still have the occasional binge night but it is nothing compared to what I have done in the past, try simple exercises as they may help to lift your mood.

[thesame7lbs]

Is there counseling available through your school? Not just for food-related issues, but maybe to help you sort out what's been going on with your family?

Please print your post or rewrite it somewhere you can keep private but refer to it when you are tempted to binge, and especially if you are tempted to purge.

I have had some success lately (and by that I mean the last week) by stopping and asking myself: What do I think this food will do for me? Because when I am about to binge, or at least start down that road, I am eating to fill some other need or relieve some negative emotion -- boredom, sadness, stress. Like you said, you ate raisins and chocolate b/c you were mad at your mom and sister -- did it help? Did you fell less mad (or just more guilty)? Did it make them apologize? No. This is a small tool but maybe it will help.

[WebWoman]

I feel so sorry for you and the pain and humiliation you must have gone through. Recently heard that using laxatives is also a form of bulimia, which I have used on several occations. I've been much better lately, substituting lots of healthier foods when I feel the need to keep eating like we do. Also hot tea helps, with a little honey (don't know why). I agree, it would do you a world of good to find a confidant in your school or family that you can talk to next time you're feeling a binge coming on. Taking a walk also helps.

[fruitlady]

I feel so bad for you, I binge to the point of being sick too. One night I passed out on the bathroom floor, even with no laxatives involved. Lately it's been more frequent cause of the Holiday's coming up. Last night I suffered again, this morning I couldn't even take my daughter to school cause I thought I was going to throw up. It makes you feel so helpless. Alot of what you said i can relate to, you sound like a younger version of me. I think you really need to talk to someone about it, keeping it to yourself will make you feel worse. That may be a way you can break the ice with your mom, I'm sure she loves you. It might bring you closer to your family. Binging is an addiction, please talk to someone.

[Eurydice]

I definitely recommend going to see a therapist if you have the opportunity. If you're in school, you might have that option--I know my school offers free counseling services and I've recently started attending, for similar reasons, actually. I'm afraid I don't know what advice to give, other than, don't beat yourself too much. The problem that lead to this whole situation is that you weren't treating yourself with nearly as much love as you deserve. I have the same problem, though I've taken to the more direct form of purging lately--something which I'm similarly ashamed of. The best you can do is forgive yourself, and move on. If you find yourself binging again, instead of focusing on it, get up and do something else. You can't delete your mistakes, unfortunately. Best of luck to you. Remember that you are loved and that things are never, ever as bad as they feel.

[missunshine]

Thank you all for your advices and support. you guys are great especially those who understand cause in my world all I would be is a topic for laugh and so many ˝I told you so˝...
I have been thinkinig a lot about telling someone about my problems or to go to a therapist but where I live there is only one group for people with ED in the whole capital. And not so many therapists, which are already very occupied plus the waiting lines are so looong. I've been thinking of going to my personal doctor to send me to some kind of therapy but the problem is that you have to pay for them. and i don't have that much money.
On the other hand I still believe in myself and that I am capable in fact I will get out of this... by myself or with help and am commited to that and when I want something I usually get it... eventually.
I feel hope and hope never dies!

[serendipity907]

I think sometimes it's denial which makes us think we can get through these problems alone, and that is dangerous. My relationship with food has progressively got worse and worse since around the age of 12, and when it got to the worst moments I'd pull myself back together and go "right I can fix this now". I thought I was resilient and strong, but I think it was just denial, because now just 20 and I have full blown bulimia, and a whole host of ED tendencies.
And this time I don't feel I can just pick myself up and sort it out alone.
I would definitely think about going to your Dr or talking to someone at school, asking for help when you need it is a sign of strength and intuition Even let a parent know, they may be more pro active when they see you're struggling, and in my experience keeping secrets just makes things worse.

[missunshine]

seredipity i think you're right. I can't do this alone, especially not now...i just had another binge...otherwise I was fine but as soon as everyone left I was home alone so I started baking cookies and while I was making them I had tones of other candies and cookies which I found in the cabinets. ughhh i hate when I'm home alone but on the other hand I always hope that they will go somewhere so i can eat in peace. I'm not mad at myself for bingeing today and am going on normally, unlike before when I was beating myself for the whole week. I know i am also nervous about some cominga events and that is another one of the reasons I'm craving sugar.