[milliondollarbbw]

So, I am feeling very blue this morning.

I met a guy a couple of months ago whom I get along with great---way better than my ex, and our chemistry is ama-zing! Wow! He is one of the few people I have met who really seems to understand me.

The only draw back is that there have been some previous marriages, he isn't sure what he wants in his life (he is far older than I am), and lately, he has been really inconsistent with returning calls, etc.

Recently, we talked, and I told him that the inconsistency really bothers me. He said that he doesn't feel that people need to communicate every day. Sigh. Is it just me, or is some type of communication good if you are dating?

So, we ended up getting into a huge argument yesterday. Huge. He doesn't show any emotions, and we have discussed how I cannot tell how he feels about me. I know that it isn't his fault about the emotions, it is a medical issue, but it is still troubling because I just don't know how he feels.

We have a great time when we are together, but when we are not, I feel a bit neglected? Unsure? alone?

I feel bad about arguing with him the way that I did. I also feel bad that he got tired of it, compared me to his ex-wife, and then just walked away. I called out to him, but he didn't even stop. Sigh.

I feel like that are so many issues that us being a long term couple may not work out. I also feel like I really like him as a person and would like to be able to enjoy his company.

Sigh. Are men crazy, or is it just me?

[Bac0s]

Honestly, despite being older than you he sounds really immature, insensitive, and selfish.

Not all men are like that.

[Coondocks]

Ok, I'm not meaning to come off as a b*tch here, and I'm pretty sure it will, so I'll apologize and tell you it's not meant to be that way at all.

I don't get it. What's so amazingly great about him that you're thinking long term? He's had previous marriages, which I'm going to assume is more than one, and doesn't think communication is neccesary on a daily . . . . have you thought maybe long term isn't something in his vocabulary?

You said he gets you more than anyone else . . . really? You feel bad about arguing with him? Why? Because you told him what you wanted, what you expect in a relationship, what you're feeling about his lack of communicating . . . his response was to compare you to an ex and walk away?

I have to agree with Bac0s. He's selfish, immature and insensitive . . . and this is someone you want long term with because he 'gets you'

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand that. It sounds like you're willing to sacrifice or change what you want to be what or who he wants.

Just my thoughts

[milliondollarbbw]

I feel bad because I immediately started arguing with him when he picked me up for our date. He changed the plans last minute, so I was a bit disappointed, and well, I just got frustrated and argued with him.

i feel bad because I know I cannot ask someone to change who they are. I also feel bad because we get along on so many levels better than me and my ex, but there are major issues that probably prevent us from being married or my being able to trust him. Maybe I am just upset because I like him, and yet, he may not be the right guy for me. I also feel bad because his medical issues are partly why he doesn't show much feeling about things, but he treats me a lot better than most. Just without much emotion. Sigh.

I feel so emotionally exhausted that dating doesn't seem like an option right now. Ugh.

[Coondocks]

Originally Posted by milliondollarbbw

but he treats me a lot better than most. Just without much emotion. Sigh.

I feel so emotionally exhausted that dating doesn't seem like an option right now. Ugh.

That first sentence makes me very sad. You shouldn't have to ever EVER justify someone's behaviour with 'but he treats me better than most' or make any excuses for that matter.
You are better than that, so much better than that.

And you may have hit the nail right on the head . . . if you're emotionally exhausted from dating, then take a break from it. Fall in love with yourself, be good to yourself, lead by example on how wonderful you are and how you should be appreciated by understanding that you ARE wonderful and appreciating YOU.

I've had too many friends settle for the wrong person because something was better, not everything, not even a lot of things, but something was and they were so afraid to lose that because they figured the next one would be like the ones before.
I don't mean to put you in that category but that's what came to my mind, and it saddens me that anyone - man or woman - ever feels that way or looks to settle for less than what they want.

[milliondollarbbw]

Originally Posted by Coondocks

That first sentence makes me very sad. You shouldn't have to ever EVER justify someone's behaviour with 'but he treats me better than most' or make any excuses for that matter.
You are better than that, so much better than that.

And you may have hit the nail right on the head . . . if you're emotionally exhausted from dating, then take a break from it. Fall in love with yourself, be good to yourself, lead by example on how wonderful you are and how you should be appreciated by understanding that you ARE wonderful and appreciating YOU.

I've had too many friends settle for the wrong person because something was better, not everything, not even a lot of things, but something was and they were so afraid to lose that because they figured the next one would be like the ones before.
I don't mean to put you in that category but that's what came to my mind, and it saddens me that anyone - man or woman - ever feels that way or looks to settle for less than what they want.

You are right. On one hand I am not racing to be with someone, and on the other hand, if I cannot accept how he is now, then we just aren't the best fit. I do feel like I worry that I will meet someone who does like me, who does treat me well, who believes in marriage, etc.

I don't think I could be a strong enough person to deal with the lack of emotion. His medical issue prevents him from expressing emotions, but, I just don't know if I am the most understanding person for his situation. I know, that makes me sound a bit shallow.

[Jojo381972]

Hun, I've been down that road not too long ago..sounds like the exact situation. Don't accept second best, and don't feel bad. You are allowed to want more attention, love, and understanding from a man. The guy sounds like he has some issues and baggage from his ex and other issues.

My exbf had so much baggage from his exwife of 21 years, that he could not give 100% to me. He felt bad about himself all the time, and it seemed that he wanted me to make him feel better about himself. He said that I made him feel negative, when in fact, he made himself feel negative and down.

If you are not happy, then leave while you can. I also had great chemistry with my ex bf, and I really wanted to make it work, but he couldn't give me the attention, and love that I wanted. Just get out of it, because you can find better. Don't feel guilty girl!

[sacha]

This man isn't crazy. In fact, this man is telling you exactly what he means - he doesn't want to communicate daily, isn't sure what he wants, etc. He is telling you - but it sounds like you don't want to hear it. We've all been there I suppose. Sometimes women don't like to hear what a man really has to say.

For an older man to "not know what he wants", I think that pretty much translates to that he is not interested in anything serious. Young men don't know what they want - but when you are older, you do.

Move on to someone who will give you the love and respect you need. This man cannot provide it and he has told you this, in his man language.

[milliondollarbbw]

thank you everyone, you all are right. I do realize that he has some health issues that cause part of how he acts, but, the reality is that he has said things that really make me wonder about love and all of that.

I do admit that having someone walk away from you is really weird and sad. I understand his being frustrated by the argument, but I also feel frustrated by how he acts at times. Sigh. I also feel like he is just so apathetic and doesn't care much about me.

Maybe it will be good to be single for a while. Take the time to just work on myself.

[annie175]

Get rid of him. Find someone that loves you more than you love them.

[PapayaMule]

I remember Courtney Cox years ago saying that she knew she was in the right relationship because it was 'easy'. I feel exactly the same way about my relationship. It shouldn't be a struggle.

I am certain you could do better without having to compromise on what you need from a partner. I also think it's unfair tarnish the whole male-species with being 'crazy'. They're all different, and there are some pretty crazy women out there too!

[milliondollarbbw]

I realize that there are a lot of good guys out there. I just think that maybe I attract or choose the wrong ones for me.

I don't think the guy I am seeing is a bad person, and, I do acknowledge that part of me is maybe trying too hard to have a relationship, even though, I have a feeling we aren't great for each other.

I feel like the guy I am seeing is a lot better mentally and chemistry wise than my ex. But, my ex cared for me so much and I felt it so thoroughly. With the new guy, I don't feel that care, and I do realize it is a biological issue he has that he may not be able to change or want to change. Who am I to tell him to change who he is as a person?

I do realize that if I felt better about myself, I probably would be a nicer person, and, I would listen to my gut more.

[Coondocks]

I know i've put in more then enough of my opinion, i just find it kind of interesting that you seemed to have been offended that he compared you to his ex wife, but you've made comparisons of him to your ex.

I think that's a good sign that as much chemistry as there maybe, it doesn't mean its the right fit if you're both comparing to the ex, for good or bad reasons.

I think I'll shut my pie hole now

[sacha]

I think taking time to yourself is a good idea. I also do not think this is a bad guy - if he was a bad person, he would not be upfront with you about his (lack of) needs. He may be a good person, but he is not the right person for you. You already know this though, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck!

[BlueFlower]

Originally Posted by milliondollarbbw

but there are major issues that probably prevent us from being married or my being able to trust him.

^ That's all you really need to know about anyone you are dating

Originally Posted by milliondollarbbw

I don't think I could be a strong enough person to deal with the lack of emotion. His medical issue prevents him from expressing emotions, but, I just don't know if I am the most understanding person for his situation. I know, that makes me sound a bit shallow.

Not shallow; REALISTIC!
This is a newish relationship. This is HIM at his best and most considerate. He's NOT going to get nicer.

Originally Posted by milliondollarbbw

I don't think the guy I am seeing is a bad person, and, I do acknowledge that part of me is maybe trying too hard to have a relationship, even though, I have a feeling we aren't great for each other.

That's a good insight. Trust that instinct.

Who am I to tell him to change who he is as a person?

Not only can you NOT ask him to change, YOU dont have the ability to do that! You're supposed to find a guy who is a 'good fit' for you, not one you may, perhaps, be able to mold into a good fit.

This is what dating is all about. You met a nice guy, had a nice time, but in the long run, it was not a good match, and now YOU MOVE ON!

Good for you not settling for a guy who's only giving you crumbs. Like I said, it's not going to get better...


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