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Old 09-23-2010, 09:25 PM   #1  
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Default My long battle, and will I ever keep it off for good?

Hello Everyone,

I've posted here a few times before for help during bad times, but right now I feel as if there is no hope for me, that I'll never keep the weight off. I guess I just need to vent and have some positive support from others who may be feeling this way. Being heavy has really prevented me from living my life to it's fullest as I spend so much time feeling self conscious, and I am sick of it.

To give you a little background, I'm 23 and have battled my weight since I was a child. My all time high was 270 lbs at age 17. One day I decided enough was enough, I was sick of being fat. I did WW for a while, then calorie counting at home, as well as exercising religiously, and a year and a half later had gotten down to my low weight of 158 lbs in the fall of 2005. I had a LTG of 125, and wasn't there yet, but getting close! I felt so amazing, proud and beautiful for the first time in my life. Unfortunately it was very short lived. Some negative things happened in my life causing a great deal of stress, and once again as I always did, I turned to food for comfort and stopped exercising. The pounds creeped back on, and a year later I was back up to 240 lbs. I was absolutely devistated. I'd worked so hard to achieve my loss and getting so close to my goal. I was angry at myself for throwing it all away.

Once again, in late January 2008 I decided enough was enough, I had to stop beating myself up, accept the gain and restart my journey. I did just that. I started eating healthy again and exercising daily. After a long year and a half of hard work, in summer 2009 I FINALLY reached my LTG of 125. I cried when I saw that number on the scale. It had taken me 5 long years but I finally rid myself of that almost 150 excess lbs sitting on my body. I had gone from a size 24 plus pants to a 4. It was unbelieveable and the greatest feeling ever. For the first time in my life I had people call me skinny, I got attention from guys that I'd never gotten when I was big, could fit into anything I wanted and look great in it, shop at any store. I didn't feel self conscious or worry about what people might say about my weight when I wasn't around, or worry what I wouldn't fit in/on. I had so much energy and could do so many things I couldn't before.

Almost all the negative aspects of what we go through as a heavy person were gone. ALMOST. As you can all imagine, after losing such a large amount, my skin did not spring back to normal in most areas. My legs firmed up nicely and looked pretty good. That was about it. My stomach was pretty flat, but there was some loose skin that wouldn't go away, as well as stretch marks. My arms were the worst, they were a mess. There was a lot of loose skin which made them appear a lot bigger. They just did not match the rest of my new body and no matter how much strength training I did, the excess skin didn't firm up. I always kept my arms down so people wouldn't notice as much. Also, pre weight loss my breasts were a full C, at 125 they were small and no longer firm or nice. I had to resort to putting inserts in my bra, but they didn't help much. These things depressed me a lot because when I pictured my body at goal, I did not see that happening. It made me sad that I was thin, yet still not comfortable with myself because of those things. Yes I had a lot to be happy about, but I couldn't seem to get over it. However, I was still happy with my loss.

Then last fall, I started a new job. There was food ALL around. Unhealthy foods that I'd made a point to stay away from. It became a big problem. Between work and life stress, and a few terrible things happening, yet again I got overwhelmed, started binging and stopped exercising. Once I started eating, I couldn't stop. The food was so bad, but tasted soo good. I missed it. The chocolate and chips and fast foods. I fought it, I really did but lost control. I said to myself "well, your body doesn't look the way you want it to even at goal, so why bother" I wish I'd tried harder and pushed those negative thoughts out of my mind because between October and May I'd binged my way back to 182 lbs. As of today I'm at 172, so I've lost 10 lbs of it, but it's taken me 4 mos to do so. I am so depressed and feeling hopeless that I'll ever keep this weight off for good as I've been through this 3 times. I am almost 50 lbs heavier right now than I was at goal. I know if I try hard I can have it back off in 6 mos, but I can't seem to stop the excess eating and get motivated to exercise. Right now I feel so sad. I went through the entire summer trying to cover up my body. I only went swimming once and didn't wear shorts or tank tops. I have avoided seeing friends I haven't seen in months because I don't want them to see that I've gained weight, which has caused distance. My boyfriend always tells me I'm beautiful and gets upset that I am so uncomfortable with my body and covering myself up. I can't help it, and he thinks it's because I'm not comfortable with him and gets very upset. I feel so bad because that's not it at all. I am uncomfortable and embarassed with MYSELF and our relationship is becoming strained because of it. I really want and need to get this weight back off once and for all, and keep it off. It is ruining my life, and I realize that my body won't be perfect but loose skin is much easier to live with than 50 excess pounds. I need to do this for me, for my relationships and happiness.

I am so sorry this was so long, if you didn't read the whole thing I completely understand. I guess I mostly just needed to vent, but I'd also love advice for how to finally keep it off, and also hear your stories so I don't feel so alone. Any way you can help would be wonderful and appreciated
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Old 09-23-2010, 09:52 PM   #2  
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If you look around, you'll find many of us, myself included have gained, lost, repeat, several times.

Hang in there!

As far as the stretch marks and floppy skin go, well, I'm 51, I've had twins and there are parts of my body that have never been the same and never will be. So be it. My hubby still loves me and says I still look good nekkid.
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Old 09-23-2010, 11:46 PM   #3  
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I really sympathize. I was always chubby as a child, then when I was in my late teens I got down into the 130's. I never learned good eating habits, though. In addition, when I did try to "eat right", I tried to follow the conventional wisdom of low-fat, which made me hungry literally all the time.

I had a weight limit of 147 or 148 when I was in the military, and I usually managed to stay under it, but it was a constant fight. When I got out, I was so happy to eat what I wanted that I gained about 70 pounds in a year! There were many days where I'd say to myself, "How could you let this happen ??!?" For the last 10 years or so my weight ranged between 230 and 260.

I'm now 48 and I think I might finally have the eating thing under control, but I think I'm going to have to monitor my eating for the rest of my life. Years ago, that thought was terribly depressing, but now it really doesn't bother me. Everyone has their challenges. For some people, it's spending, for others it's drinking, for me it's eating.

I don't mean to be belittling how you feel. You have every right to be sad and angry. Just try not to feel hopeless or give up. The best thing you can do it try to get into habits that you can keep up when things get stressful. Be nice to yourself, and forgive yourself if you go off plan, but try to get back on as soon as you can.

I'm pulling for you!
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Old 09-24-2010, 12:11 AM   #4  
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I lost 100+ pounds three separate times before I reached goal, again, a couple of years ago and have maintained since then. The most important thing I've learned is that I'm never done. I get to watch what I eat every day for the rest of my life or I'm going to put the weight back on. That means watching it through deaths in the family, stress at work, PMS days, days the husband is grumpy, days I'm grumpy, and every day in between. If I don't do it, then I'm going to be stressed or grumpy or PMS'ing AND fat.

You can do this, and no, your body is never going to be perfect. You've put it through way too much to end up as a swimsuit model, but you have to realize that nobody else sees your issues with your arms, and they don't see the fact that my upper thighs still flap more than I'd like. Nobody else is as interested in you as you are.

You've shown you can lose the weight; what you need to work on is all the stuff that comes after. There really isn't a finish line.
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Old 09-24-2010, 06:05 AM   #5  
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One, at 23 your brain's frontal lobe is just now maturing--you are literally becoming physically better at making judgments and weighing options. So don't worry about what past-you did. You've grown up a lot since then.

Two, when you say you started "eating healthy and exercising", what were you doing? I lost a bunch of weight at 21 through a VLC diet (900/day) and moderate exercise. The weight came off, but I had NO IDEA how to maintain and so when I stopped, it all came back. Staying on that VLC diet was so traumatic that I spent the whole time craving "real" food, and went right back to it when I hit goal. For the next 10 years, I'd go back on that VLC diet because "it worked before", but by then I was married and lacked the motivation to endure that sort of deprivation for long. So I would lose 20-30-50 lbs every other year or so and then break down and put it all back on.

This time, I have an eating plan that I actually like. It took a LOT of planning and thinking and researching to come up with a set of foods that were healthy and low-calorie and that I enjoy eating, but now I know I can eat these forever--when I am maintaining, I may eat more of them, but my "diet" foods are now my "normal" foods.

Anyway, to me this has been the key to sustainability. Find a way of eating that is both healthy and satisfying (really satisfying to you, not just foods you think "should" satisfy you) and you find a new life.
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Old 09-24-2010, 01:32 PM   #6  
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Thank you all so much for your support and input! I really appreciate it. I woke up this morning with a positive attitude, and am ready to get back on track with a healthy lifestyle, for good.

Shmead- What you did in the past with the VLC diet was how I lost my weight this past time for a while. Eating too little and exercising WAY too much. After a while I couldn't handle eating such a small amount of food anymore, so I started eating a ton, and exercising a ton to make up for it. There were days I would binge, then go to the gym and spend 2 hrs on the elliptical. I'd do 1000-1500 calorie workouts on a regular basis (everytime I'd binge). It was very unhealthy and I was exhausted. This time around I will make sure I eat 1200 cals a day at least, and not over exercising. I agree, I need to find foods that I enjoy, so I am not feeling deprived and binging because of it.
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Old 09-24-2010, 01:49 PM   #7  
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I can totally empathize with your struggle. I have lived it.

I was always chubby as a kid and by 7th grade I was 220lbs. Lost and regained 30-50lbs more times than I can even count.

But at 32 here I am strong, healthy and making choices every single day that aim to reinforce the healthy body I want to inhabit!

I spent my 20s between 150-180lbs, and it was the hardest to get past. You can do it though. It isnt overnight. It is each choice you make, and many mistakes will be made. But if you are on the right path, a misstep or two can be forgiven

If you ever need to talk to someone that has been thru it feel free to ping me.

*hugs*

Dont give up!
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Old 09-24-2010, 01:50 PM   #8  
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There were days I would binge, then go to the gym and spend 2 hrs on the elliptical. I'd do 1000-1500 calorie workouts on a regular basis (everytime I'd binge). It was very unhealthy and I was exhausted.
Honey, I have been there. About eleven years ago, I lost 125 pounds, got down as low as 107, and then started bingeing & overexercising. That's bulimia: I was purging through insane amounts of exercise, rather than vomiting.

Once I understood that I had an actual, bona fide eating disorder, the solution became much clearer, if no easier. It meant talking to a therapist. We worked through my issues together over time. This wasn't fast or simple. (I had to learn how to "use" therapy, rather than expecting to be a passive recipient, and to offer up all my latest issues honestly at every session.)

I had to get worse before I got better, unfortunately. To get anywhere, I had to stop the vicious cycle, and what I stopped first was the punishment & atonement part, the overexercising -- so for a while I was bingeing without burning off, and I gained a lot of weight. All of it & then some. Also, because of my bad experience, for years I was freaked out about any dieting behaviors that I saw as punitive or restrictive or in any way extreme. That was nearly all of them. Even sensible moderate things like calorie counting. So I refused to diet for years because I just couldn't "do" moderation. I only knew extremes.

Only during 2007 did I resume my weight loss effort. This time I did it healthily, with a team at my back of my therapist & my medical doctor, watching to make sure the weight came off at a healthy, moderate rate & also to give me a reality check if I slipped back into the old bingeing/overexercising behavior. This time it worked. Which is why I know that it **can** work for you, too. You aren't just mindlessly repeating old patterns anymore. From your post, I can tell you see recurring issues & you want to avoid them & maybe even have some ideas of what you'd need to do that. I believe that posting here indicates you're in a more self-aware place, and maybe stronger, too. I am not a medical professional of any kind. But my own experience made your post resonate with me. And so I'm suggesting you also assemble a team, if you can, just because they have been invaluable to me. Like this board, they keep me from living alone inside my head too much with my problems. Go to your doctor to check out your health & for regular weigh-ins, maybe get a referral to a nutritionist, so you don't do the VLC thing again, and try out a therapist, particularly one who's had experience with eating disorders.

And come back here again & check in with us. We'll want to know what's happening with you.

Last edited by saef; 09-24-2010 at 01:54 PM.
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Old 09-24-2010, 07:35 PM   #9  
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xty- Thank you so much for the encouragement and congratulations on your success! You look amazing and I'm so glad I have someone who can relate!

saef- Wow, your reply really got me thinking. I never considered myself to have had an eating disorder. I guess I was in denial and always thought "well I am not purging or starving myself, so I couldn't possibly have an ED". I guess I really did. Over exercising and binging are definitely a huge issue that I wish I'd received help for sooner, before I gained the weight back. My body was so used to eating a low amount of calories (around 1000), that when I got to goal and decided to up my intake to around 1300 (to maintain), I started gaining. That was the start of the terrible over exercising cycle. I was so hungry all the time, and knew the only way I could eat more was to exercise more. I then started eating over 2,000 a day and burning off half or more. It worked for a while, but of course I could only keep that up for so long before I tired myself right out. By that point I had already gotten used to eating way more, and couldn't seem to get it back down to a sensible amount. That is where things stand now and what I'm trying to work on. I need to once again eat things in moderation and make all around healthier choices. I know I can do it, I've done it before.

Your advice to have a team behind me sounds like a great idea. Maybe it would help having others to hold me accountable for my actions, knock some sense into me before I make bad decisions and guide me to make the right ones. Congrats on your over 100 lb loss. That is amazing and you look great! Thanks so much for your advice. I will definitely stick around to help others too
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:16 PM   #10  
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Italianbella, take care of yourself.

I'm no professional, and so I can't diagnose an eating disorder based on a single post, but your unhappiness & sense of being locked in a cycle that's difficult if not impossible to break, and the extremes you describe yourself as going through, from bingeing to exercising enough so that you were exhausted, seem to indicate there is something going on you may need to examine more closely.

In general, people do overeat on occasion, and then step up the exercise slightly that day, or cut back a little on their next few meals. That's natural self-regulating behavior. That's not what I'm talking about.

What seems to differentiate that from the bulimic pattern of bingeing & purging is that it's moderate, it happens once in a while, rolling with the ups & downs of life, and it's not emotionally fraught.

What we deal with is recurring, it's a definite pattern of behavior, and there's a lot of self-criticism going on inside us, guilt, a sort of feeling of doing atonement (yeah, you can tell I was raised Catholic), and of desperation, from always being overdrawn in calories & never being able to do enough to make up for it. And too, there is the resulting physical & psychological exhaustion.

It's also not like the behavior of people who just like to exercise a lot or are extremely physically active or in training. The exercise has the purpose of burning calories, beyond anything else, and that changes the nature of it somehow. I exercise a lot now, but there is none of the deep desperation & the feeling of never, ever being able to do enough.

I'm elaborating here because on other threads, people have wondered if they are bulimic or have tendencies that way, just because they react to overeating on occasion by restricting a little or exercising a bit more. Not being a professional, I don't know where the line is drawn. I just know what it feels to be inside it, on the ED side, and I think the **** of that is definitely not anywhere near healthy self-regulation & mild chagrin over how much someone ate at one good restaurant or birthday party.

Last edited by saef; 09-25-2010 at 12:16 PM.
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